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Hi Sandy
I am glad that you wrote all that you did and I hope you felt some relief from sharing in a place where you are understood.
Unfortunately if you gave your mom all the money you had it would not be enough and you would not get the peace you deserve.
Likewise all the talking in the world will not get her to change if she is determined to indulge her addiction so please don’t waste your energy trying to save her from herself when the only person who can save her is herself.
You have recognised that there is a cycle and because it is a cycle it will go round and round until something or somebody says enough is enough. I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ so that you can see that all you have said is recognised.
It must be such a strain for you pretending to your husband that you are happy when this situation is making you so sad. Your mom’s addiction thrives on secrecy and those around her being ashamed to talk. When you understand more about the addiction your mother sadly owns maybe you could tell your husband what you know to be true and that is that it is not her fault that she is a CG (compulsive gambler) and it is not something to be ashamed about. Knowledge of her addiction will give you power over it Sandy.
Saying ‘no’ in the face of someone you love who is manipulative and deceitful is so very, very hard – I know, I spent 25 years trying to save someone until I couldn’t take it anymore and had to say ‘no more’.
Your sister has done well keeping a record of her mother’s behaviour because it will help her to look back and see the same lies manipulations over and over again. She will be able to see that giving your mother money and trying to talk her into changing her life hasn’t made any difference. It is time to try something new. Giving her money is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic, paying her debts is the same as giving her cash.
Maybe you could tell her that you have sought help, perhaps you could say that it is because you love her that the answer is ‘no’. Keep talking to your sister and tell her all that you are learning because it is so much better for both of you and for your mother that you are united against her addiction.
Your mother needs treatment, maybe you could ask her to try our Helpline or our gambler groups or Gamblers Anonymous. Why not download the 20-questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web site for her so that she can see that her problem is recognised and there is a lot of support for her.
You have been a fantastic daughter Sandy but you deserve a happy life as does your sister – and your mother. The only person who can change your mother is your mother – you cannot save her.
Keep posting and maybe drop into the Friends and Family group tomorrow evening Thursday between 20.00-21.00 UK time here we can communicate in real time.
I will leave this first reply here and await your thoughts
Velvet