Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Northerner
Well done writing your first post, I know how hard it is but there are certainly ears here listening and understanding, so you can know you are not alone.
I understand your fear that this is the tip of the iceberg – sadly along with the gambling problem usually comes deceit and lies and it is common not to know exactly where the truth lies.
I am pleased to hear that your son has asked for help – try and keep communication open with him because he will probably fluctuate between asking for help and telling you that he is in control. Communication is best kept light because as I said the truth is difficult if not impossible to know so asking him direct questions about his gambling will probably result in him closing down.
I have brought my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ up for you to let you have some idea of the way your son is probably thinking.
Support doesn’t run out when there is a slip or a relapse – your son has a recognised problem, which sadly is still not out in the open enough. It takes courage and determination to control what is an addiction and often courage fades but nobody turns their back on a trier.
I liked the fact you said ‘we’ tried to offer support because it means you are not alone. It is important to be united against the problem your son possesses because the addiction to gamble does divide parents, siblings and children.
Do you have other children? The reason I ask is that often a child will feel his/her siblings are achieving greater things. There is no need to answer this but it helps to flesh out what maybe is going on with your son.
I am going to leave my first reply to you there and get it off quickly so that you can know you are being heard. It would be great if you could join the Friends and Family group on Thursday evening between 8 and 9pm where we can communicate in real time and where nothing that is said appears on the forums. In the meantime keep posting.
VelvetDear Sandy
I can hear the frustration and disappointment in your posts; I feel for you and truly understand your dilemma.
I believe you have recognised that even if you threw every penny in the world at your mother she would still want more so you are aware of what you are doing.
It is so sad that you feel the only way you can cope is to cut yourself off but I do understand your reasoning and I hope this drastic action will bring you the peace in your life that should always have been yours. Neither you, nor your mother, chose her addiction but accepting the situation as it is, without denying it, is the way you have chosen to go forward and I respect that – I hope this settling of another’s debts does not leave you in financial trouble.
I hope the rest of your family give you the support you need and that you enjoy your life away from living with the shadow of a gambling addiction – it is the way I have chosen to live too.
Thinking of you
VelvetDear Sandy
Please don’t give up posting. this forum is for people affected by the addiction to gambling and I think you still need support even if you feel like giving up.
I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
VelvetHi Sandy
From what you are saying it is best not to believe either your mother or your aunt until they have accepted and controlled their addiction.
Although it is sad that your cousin is facing the same as you, you do, hopefully, have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through and who wants the same as you. I think that sharing gives a tremendous relief.
I am, however, concerned that your cousin is now asking you to pay half of her debts and suggest you do as you have said and translate for her what you are learning here. If she chose to do these things for her mother then that is her responsibility and not yours, you have lost enough money and emotional energy through your own mother’s addiction. I am glad your other relatives are not giving any money to your mother
In view of what you have said I suggest that you do not lend/give your aunt any money – there is no way to know if your mother did lend her any money but whatever actually happened is immaterial if they are both CG.
Lending/giving/borrowing are all difficult words when a CG is involved. There is an expression coined by Shakespeare ‘never a borrower or lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and friend’ which means don’t lend money or borrow money from a friend because if you do so you will lose both your friend as well as your money. I know of friends, who are not compulsive gamblers, who have lost their friendship when a debt was overdue for payment and I find that extremely sad.
Unfortunately active CGs can encourage each other so I think your plan to get other family members round them table with them is a good idea to let them both know that enough is enough and that you and your cousin will not pay any gambling debts.
Keep posting Sandy
VelvetHi Sandy
It is so difficult when other people enable a CG and then expect someone else to clear the problem for them.
There are only two people who are responsible for the problem here and you are not one of them. Your aunt lent your mother the money; she did not lend it to you: You didn’t ask your aunt to lend your mother the money and indeed if she had asked you I am positive you would have said ‘no’.
I can only make suggestions as I cannot tell you what to do but what I can say is that if it was me I would say ‘the problem is not mine, I cannot be responsible for a debt between my mother and her sister of which I had no knowledge’. It is not for you to apologise, it is a painful lesson that your mother’s sister should learn.
I fully appreciate that you are feeling sorry for your aunt and I wonder if you could go and talk to her and explain the situation as you have described it to me. If this debt has placed your aunt in a dreadful financial position and you are in a position to help her without hurting your own finances, then maybe you could help her without your mother’s knowledge and ask her to still seek redress from your mother. In my opinion it is important that your mother does now know that her gambling debt has been cleared by you. If you follow this course of action it is only between you and your aunt because you care for your aunt and ultimately for your mother.
I believe it is important that your aunt appreciates your mother’s problem especially as she has been unwittingly dragged in and used – it will probably happen again unless she is aware. I do feel it is important to inform people who love CGs and who might be called upon to enable, that there is a real problem, whilst also stressing that the CG did not want or ask for their addiction. Nobody would ever want an addiction to gamble. Maybe your aunt could support you by urging her sister to seek help. I think maybe it would help if you could tell your cousin the situation you have found yourself in too.
I cannot stress enough Sandy that you are not responsible for your mother’s behaviour or for your aunt lending her money. Does your mother have other siblings that she can seek enablement from? Would she try and seek enablement from your husband?
Families that unite against an addiction, with knowledge, whilst still caring for the CG are the best thing for a CG.
Keep posting Sandy, you are doing well
VelvetHi Nicole
Just a quick message as I am just going away for the weekend. I wanted to say that you are definitely not alone and you have landed in a place of warmth and understanding.
You sound as though you are already doing the right things and your husband appears to be making the right steps towards controlling his addiction but knowledge is a powerful thing and that is what you will receive in this forum and in the group on Thursday.
Well done writing your first post, it is always the hardest.
Velvet<
Hello Nicole
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
