[velvet]

Hi Su
Your husband is naive if he thinks for one moment that what he is doing does not have the potential to turn him from being a fun gambler into being a gambler with serious problems and sadly the fact that he is lying implies he is already on the way to having a real problem.
Gambling is all about risk, without risk there would be little or no incentive. Of course he can lose and even if it is not money he loses he can lose control of his behaviour which is far more serious.
Your husband may be ‘dry gambling’, where money is not involved but the person gambles in his head on something. Dry gambling activates the brain and causes it to become excited until it often degenerates into actively gambling using money although money is not the object – only the ‘gamble’ is the object. Sadly the addiction to gamble comes about from a person having ‘fun’ with no idea that addiction is waiting and can precede misery, loss of family, friends and possessions, mood swings and loss of control.
Typically of a man with a gambling problem your husband’s answers lack logic and reason – he is trying to tell you that the sites he is on are for pleasure, without risk and without gain – life is not that simple. Gambling sites are designed to attract and confuse reality.
Having said all of the above I hope that your husband is still just having fun although if he is lying and will not show you his bank statements, to help you stop worrying, I can’t see where the fun is to be found.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website – they might help you to see if you still think there is a real issue. If you think there is then maybe you could leave a copy for him to find – I don’t suggest giving it to him as this would possibly result in a denial and unpleasant accusations.
We have a Friends and Family group tomorrow evening between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time and it would be good if you could pop in – you will be very welcome and we can communicate in real time. It is best to come in early as I have been told by other members that it is the quickest hour in the week!
I suggest for now you avoid confrontation with your husband but that you carry on posting and gaining knowledge of gambling problems that can escalate. Knowledge gives us power and you are stronger than whatever it is that is pulling your husband.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Su, if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and amazing lives lived as a result.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Su and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Racer
We used to have a great running thread entitled something like ‘a memory that pleased you or made you happy’ and many, many CGs and F&F contributed on both forums. Your post about your walk with your dog in the woods reminded me of that thread and in my mind I walked with you, your dog and my black Labrador?
It is so easy to get bogged down with the problems of life that we often forget to look around us and see the wonderful displays that nature lays on for us every day.

Keep looking up Racer, the view is always more rewarding.
You are doing great and I love reading your posts.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
If I had known years and years ago what I know now, would my life with a compulsive gambler (or his life with me), have been any different? We will never know. We can all only deal with what we do today; we cannot undo the past and wondering what might have been gets us nowhere.
You didn’t make a mistake, you did what you thought was right for your mother and that is what most family members try and do.
Worrying about what someone with an addiction ‘might’ be doing when they are not with you is a waste of energy. My son didn’t do well when we became estranged – but and it’s a big but – it was only because I stopped enabling that he was able to get to the point where he had had enough of living as he was. I protected him and his addiction, cocooning him away from reality for years, for what I thought was the right reason – I firmly believed that love would conquer all in the end. It didn’t.
I doubt it would be a ‘loan’ to you mother if you dug into your retirement fund; it would more likely be a gift to those who know how to lure her into handing over ‘your’ money.
I hope she wakes up and I hope you get the support you need from the counsellor you are going to see.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Tyguy and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
I am very sorry to hear you problems have continued but I am sorry to say they still do not come under the remit of this site.
Your issues are, as you so rightly said; ‘post divorce’ issues and they are not connected per se to the addiction to gamble.
I sincerely hope that one day soon you will have a more positive outlook on life. Have you tried your local church or a citizen’s advice unit? I don’t think you need solid ground on which to start a recovery – therapists are aware that those who are in need are very often without any solid base from which to launch their recovery.
I wish we could be of more help but although your circumstances probably started with a problem years ago that was gambling related, I cannot see what advice or substantial support we can give you for your present difficulties.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
It seems to me that it is an excellent opportunity to take a break from all the meanness in your life and get some peace.
It is sad but many CGs do say some terrible things to those around them who have tried to support and your mum appears to have a tendency to ‘cut people’ out whom she perceives have crossed her. CGs often drastically distort reality to fit their personal perception and your mother appears to be adept at doing this.
I can hear that you have really tried over the years but you could never save your mum from herself – only she can do that.
I can imagine how tough this must be when your mother is 82 but age does not stop a person taking responsibility for their life and it also doesn’t preclude them from causing terrible pain. It is not unknown however, for CGs to learn to control their addiction even at your mother’s age. Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gambler’s Anonymous website and send them to her along with GA literature. The thought that this could be permanent is quite provoking but I am not sure what anybody could suggest that you could do differently. Even at 82 your mother is able to make choices both right and wrong but it appears she is only willing to make bad choices at the moment.
Look after yourself Cathy, you are now retired and it should be a relaxing time of your life – you deserve peace. If your mother doesn’t want you to have peace and is not prepared to seek peace for herself, then that is her decision but I sincerely hope that you will find the peace that her addiction seeks to destroy.
Such posts as this must leave anybody who reads them feeling a sense of despair at the futility of the addiction to gamble. I am sure you know your mother didn’t ask for or want her addiction anymore than you but you can only save yourself, you can only control your own life.
I wish you well; I wish you and your sisters peace. I hope that your mother will see the light and seek help but for now I suggest you enjoy the lack of the addiction in your life thanks to the distance from the problem.
Post whoever you want to do so – you are understood and you will always be heard
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Stefon and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Tosca

This is the post I mentioned – it was written some time ago by Harry, a CG who controls his addiction and works for GT. He is often on the Helpline. He was responding to the question ‘can I stop gambling without support? ‘

‘Great question, and one that’s been asked so many times &I like Charles couldn’t have given up without help.

Working on the helpline the question is asked can I stop alone. For various I can’t say 100% no that recovery can’t be gained without help

1. I’ve not met every gambler, but as of yet I’ve not met a true CG whose found recovery without help

2. Not every Gambler is compulsive, they may just have used gambling recreationally and it’s run away with them for a short while, but we have to remember that this addiction is progressive. If you ask any CG whose accepted recovery when the y went from recreational to problematic to compulsive I doubt they could answer

A compulsive gambler in denial will be asking and answering their own distorted questions with their own distorted answers, the perpetual cycle will continue until someone can challenge what you’re saying and thinking. This then brings up the next question “when does a CG know that they are thinking in a distorted way” the one answer in my opinion is to talk to people who are living without distorted thoughts like other CG’s in recovery who have almost definitely done this and seen and know they can’t trust their own thoughts, this can be done at GA, GT, CBT, Counseling etc or any other support group… trying to find recovery alone will remove this option and that in my opinion is the biggest reason a CG cannot find recovery alone.

Then my last question is “why would we want to find recovery alone”? the answer is normally “I’m Ashamed” or in a some instances the truth is a CG knows the above and hasn’t quite yet got to the point of accepting the reality or his or her addiction’

[velvet]

Hi Chalsteve
It looks as though he has to hurt himself a little more. I am not suggesting you ask him because I think it is best to stand to the side and allow him to work it out for himself but has he said how he intends to clear the loss he has incurred through his addiction?
In my opinion it would be wise to safeguard your finances and your valuables because a CG who is desperate can lose his moral compass completely, it is better to be safe than sorry.
I doubt that things are truly stable; your son has possibly gone underground with what he is doing because he knows your resolve is stronger. While the situation seems more amicable though it is good to talk about other things rather than gambling, laying the ground out for a happier future that seems remote at the moment.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cathy
I will write to you tomorrow but it is late for me and I don’t want to rush a reply when you have taken so much effort to write your story.
You have done really well writing your first post, the first post is always the hardest.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Cathy

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
The amounts of money your boyfriend has lost and the way he has chases his loses tells me that, what appears to be slip, is not fine and never will be.
His belief that he doesn’t need help is a cry we hear all the time from problem gamblers who are not ready to admit their problem but who are in danger of losing everything due to them sailing close to owning an addiction that is about failure and loss of self-esteem.
His lies are common and spring from the belief that he does not have a serious problem and he wants to deflect you from thinking that he has. However, you have recognised a cycle of behaviour and I am glad that you have posted because knowledge of that cycle will give you power over his possible addiction and hopefully help you support him.
Anger is always understandable but does nothing towards making an active problem gambler stop gambling – it merely enforces the thought that you don’t understand and therefore your opinion is invalid.
There can be no guarantee that your boyfriend is not into a full relapse as a result of his visit to the casino because the addictive part of his brain will have been triggered. Compulsive gambling is not about money it is only the actual gamble that matters and it is that gamble which leads to the unacceptable behaviour. The gamble triggers the addiction in the brain and it gets worse, never better, if left untreated.
You have written that part of you thinks you should end the relationship so my question would be – do you love him? Loving a compulsive gambler, (if his problem escalates) is, is not easy and supporting a CG (compulsive gambler) can destroy your confidence and self-esteem too, if you allow it, however, I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled. I would never tell you to stay or to leave but this site will give you information so that you can make an informed decision that is right for you and hopefully right for your boyfriend.
The decision to stay is very much in your hands but please keep posting, there is a lot of support for you here and for your boyfriend too if he wants it.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Jenny and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works

[velvet]

Hello Marta and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

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