[velvet]

Hello Gigi and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear P
‘You’ are worth it, look in the mirror and you will see a person of whom you can be very proud.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jonny
I sincerely hope you will stay; over the years the numbers of those who actually post fluctuates but there are many, many more that are silently reading and looking for support. The Helpline is there for you to voice any criticism and the site welcomes critical emails rather than seeing a valued member walk away.
Early recovery is tough. Sensitivity is high. Members can say things that feel (and sometimes are), unnecessary – but if words are said that are not helpful and supportive I think they should be seen as ‘misunderstandings’ and not reason to walk away.
I hope you will post as ‘yourself’ because you are a unique and you have something to say. I never seek to offend but as a facilitator in F&F it must come with the territory for some CG. We are all equal, as Monica has so rightly written but we are all human and to err is human.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
How I long for the day I hear that your tears have stopped. I know they will but this is so tough for you at the moment and all I can offer is my thoughts.
Do you have a date yet when custody is to be sorted out? I had a Guardian ad litem appointed to see my 3 very young children and I remember the sick fear when she spoke to them alone. I knew I had said nothing that was untrue and I had never run their biological father down to them but it was so very scary. The report when it came out though was so accurate – the bio father had done the damage all by himself and it had not taken her long to establish this.
I remember my father saying ‘please don’t get bitter over this’ – he knew someone whose bitterness had shown in her face and in her life and he didn’t want it for me. I can honestly say that I have not been bitter and my children and I went on to better things – as you will.
I am so glad you are encouraging your children to talk to you and others. Misunderstanding accrues when thoughts have nowhere to go.
I seldom cry anymore because I believe that F&F can always come through and out the other side no matter what but I felt such pain when I read about your 9 year old daughter talking to her teacher.
How glad I am to read that you kicked ‘shame’ into touch and through all your tears you have written the Serenity Prayer with the word Courage in capitals. It does courage to get through and it does take acceptance. Your long period of suffering has not brought you to your knees – you are amazing.
I think all F&F would agree with you that it is dreadful that there is not more done for those who suffer from living with the addiction to gamble and I would include those who own the addiction in that as well. I remember being told by a member of GA that the ‘anonymous’ bit meant that they didn’t publicise the problem with gambling to protect anonymity – I don’t know if this is still true. I know how difficult it was for me to find anybody who understood what I was saying and yet I can spot it now (and have done so) with friends and acquaintances. The only upside appears to be slightly more mention these days in plays and discussions on radio and television.
Life is dreadful for families who love CGs and life is dreadful for those with the addiction.
On this forum, however, our main thrust is for the families and on here you are unique and special.
I don’t know if you spotted that I am now running an F&F group between 10 and 11pm on Tuesdays as well as 8 – 9pm on Thursdays. I really hope you will pop in so that we can catch up in real time. I promise to have the tissues ready and a large glass of cyber wine or a cup of cyber tea. Your seat in the group will always be ready for you.
As Ever Jenny – my thoughts are with you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Leda
Well done collecting knowledge on the addiction to gamble, it will certainly help you cope.
I certainly say that it is the gamble that is the addiction and it has nothing to do with money. Gambling is taking risk, participating in something that might ‘win’ might lose but whichever way it goes, it is the actual gamble that creates the excitement in the brain that causes them to be unable to walk away. Winning and losing fuel the addiction; winning because it gives a CG the tool to gamble further and losing because the addicted brain has to chase the loss. It is the action of gambling that generates the chemicals that juice the CG brain. A ‘win’ to a CG is merely a chance to continue indulging their addiction, so no excitement, a loss is another failure so no excitement but the actual gamble was powerful and it is that feeling that is desired again and again, ad infinitum.
Being F&F does not mean that everyone is kind and trying to do the right thing. I remember ladies in Gam-anon who wanted their husbands to gamble again because they said they had become boring; others hated their CG spouses but were hanging in to make their lives miserable. There were many though who were there to learn by sharing and many who were only too willing to help others. I heard some wonderful outcomes and those were the ones I hung on.
Another way of looking at your husband being prevented from getting a charge put against your property is to explain gently to him that by putting the property in your name it protects him as well as you.
I was fortunate Leda that when my CG changed his life he was willing to help me when I took a course in addiction counselling. He explained to me so many of the things that I had never understood even when it meant telling me that when I thought he was doing something good when he was active – he wasn’t. This has meant that I have not been following the wrong leads when it comes to understanding. I think it is great that you are gaining understanding but I hope you will keep posting your findings so that we can share our knowledge.
I look forward to an update

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Beau
A CG can (and often is) educated, charming, lovable and friendly but living with an active CG puts such enormous pressures on F&F that sometime it is impossible to continue the relationship. There are many instances of people who cannot walk away completely, they can cease to function in a normal relationship but there is a tenuous thread that cannot be 100% ignored such as children, parents (and often siblings) of CGs.
‘You’ are the only key that can stop your life being devastated by the addiction of another. What are you doing to improve your life? Are you seeing friends, have you taken up hobbies or interests? Are you allowing yourself the freedom to enjoy being you? What was the purpose in confronting him with your belief that he was still gambling and why advise his family of what you have learned when you know such input has changed nothing before?
Maybe keeping in touch is not the right thing for either of you. When my CG son and I were estranged there was no ‘keeping in touch’. I didn’t know till much later, when he had taken control of his life, just how far he had spiralled down but I know I would have tried to save him if I had known. In effect what I would have done was given him the belief that the door was slightly ajar, that one day I would let him in again and save him. Fortunately I didn’t know and when he eventually fell into the black abyss the only person who could save him, was himself.
It is tough to stand back and allow a loved one to fall but he has to save himself and nothing you can do or say will save him. The only person you can save is you Beau; learn to love yourself and give yourself a chance to live in the centre of your life and not on the periphery of his.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello David and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Tina
I suggest you keep posting, join groups, talk to the Helpline and choose the time that is right for you. I didn’t have negative feelings about gamblers; I had no knowledge at all, so being confronted with it I didn’t react negatively or positively.
Do you have any plan in place for clearing this debt because gambling will never be the answer? Can you speak to your creditors and ask for time to pay? Do you have family or friends that you can talk to? I’m not suggesting that you borrow from them but I do think you need emotional support.
Stay focussed on your recovery because you deserve it and hopefully when the time comes you will be able to cope with whatever happens.
Thinking about you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Monkey
I am sure you will get more replies but I thought I would tell you my experience and thoughts for what they are worth.
In my opinion, the simple statement of fact is the best way, with no unnecessary reasons or apologies – ‘I have a problem with gambling’. Then allow the man in your life a few moments to think of what you have said and hopefully ask his questions. I think it is important not to make it look as though you blame him in any way and I think it is very important that you let him know you are seeking help.
I don’t know whether your partner knows about the addiction to gamble – I didn’t so I struggled with the information having lived with my CG for 23 years. It took me 2 more years to begin to accept any such addiction existed but in that time my CG did not talk about recovery. When he showed me that he really wanted to live gamble-free by, in his case, going into rehab I was able to gain the knowledge I needed to cope, to understand as best I could but most importantly to support him (and me) in the right way.
Trust will be dented but in many, many cases that I know of, a problem had already been suspected. Trust can be rebuilt and fantastic relationships worked out as a result.
If the man in your life wants to understand how to support you and ask why has this happened etc., then our Helpline would be happy to ‘talk’ to him, as would I, in the Friends and Family section. Personally I firmly believe that the best way is for the non-CG who was a loved one on the site to come into an F&F group, rather than the forum, so that privacy and anonymity is maintained – it is what I did.
This is all obviously only ‘my’ opinion but the lie you are living must be hurting you. I hope your partner will listen and understand that you didn’t ask for or want your problem anymore than he does. Given knowledge F&F can give tremendous support in the right way but without that knowledge they blunder about and more often than not, do everything wrong for all the right reasons.
I hope you will post again soon and tell us more about yourself
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Improved Variations
You will also be welcome in the F&F groups – there is one tonight at 10pm. My CG went through the GMA programme when it was 9 months long so I understand the concerns of those who wait.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Leda
I understand that your husband’s cheerfulness is giving you cause to feel more miserable and afraid – it is a common reaction. Don’t be scared by the thought that you don’t like your husband, in my view it is extremely difficult to like the behaviour of an active CG but as long as you feel that your life is determined by his addiction you will be miserable and afraid whilst he will have moments of high that will always be followed by times of low.
You can’t force your husband to rock bottom. Rock bottom is a mental state. Some CGs sink to a terrible black abyss before they recognise that their addiction will not let them go but other CGs don’t go to such depths before they recognise and accept their problem. Regardless of the depth, however, they need the tools with which they can control their addiction; these tools are willingly given to those who seek to live gamble-free.
I do not accept your premise that you will never be able to leave money or credit cards with your husband although, in my opinion, credit cards are not the best thing for many people, CG or not. My CG has a debit card and I would happily now leave him with money.
Divorce is very final and is a decision that only you can make but in my view it does not appear to be the outcome you want most. I can follow your thinking that a legal divorce will separate your finances and even that ‘you’ can see a way to staying with him but I would be amazed if he shared your thinking.
I’m afraid that his certificate in addiction counselling doesn’t surprise me as much as it should – becoming a counsellor does not make a person perfect. Sadly what it probably does mean is that he has the words but not the empathy.
I understand how you arrived at the thought “the logic is simple enough: either you can give something up or you can’t. If you can, and the thing is hurting someone you love, then why keep doing it?” but it is not that simple. The addiction to gamble lacks logic and reason so trying to make sense of the senseless will only confuse you further. The logic your put forward could be reasonably applied to smoking but the addiction to gamble is not on the same addiction spectrum as smoking.
I believe that CGs are punished enough by owning such a terrible addiction. I have no idea why my CG has the addiction to gamble and I have not but I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would never have laid the first innocent bet if he could have foreseen what misery this simple act was going to cost him and all those around him.
Please keep posting – getting your thoughts and anger out will help you to make the right decision for you and hopefully for your husband. I got tremendous relief by keeping a private journal that I was able to destroy bit by bit when my CG took control of his addiction.
You are not powerless over ‘your’ life – what you do next is down to you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dino
I remember you and I am glad that you knew you could come back here and find support.
I’m really pleased you hit the ‘save’ button because it means that while you are brushing yourself down will know you are among friends who care.
You have been doing well and all that gamble-free time will not be wasted – you know how good you felt and it is within your grasp to feel it again.
One day at a time
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Leda
Well done. I will write a reply soon when i have had time to think about your 3 strikes plan which I think he may find too daunting and may lead to a outcome you don’t really want. I know when I made such plans and they always backfired on me.
However, such a post deserves careful thought, the kind of thought that is not in abundance at the end of the day – for me anyway.
My daughter and her husband arrive tomorrow for a couple of days but I promise you I will write soon.
You are in my thoughts
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello Leda

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

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