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Hi Lizbeth
I don’t know what it is about raking leaves but I find it both therapeutic and annoying – as fast as one sweeps, the next lot are peering down and waiting for you to move on, ready to float down and fill the space you have cleared. I think we plod on in the hope that all the leaves will eventually come down and we can have a well earned rest!
Debt is a bit like those leaves but unlike those leaves, once they are cleared it is in ‘your’ power to never have to clear them up again. You and you alone hold the key to your future.
Thinking about you – I have loads of leaves still to clear but it is too cold and damp at the moment – or am I putting the job off?
VelvetBok Lizbeth, ne znam o čemu se radi grabljenjem lišća, ali smatram da je to i terapeutsko i neugodno – brzo kao što jedan pomere, sljedeći skup proviruje i čeka da krenete dalje, spremni da isplivate i ispunite prostor očistili ste. Mislim da smo nastavili dalje u nadi da će sve lišće na kraju pasti i da ćemo se moći dobro zaslužiti odmor! Dug je pomalo nalik na to lišće, ali za razliku od tog lišća, kad se očisti, u vašoj je moći da ga više nikada ne morate brisati. Vi i samo vi držite ključ svoje budućnosti. Razmišljajući o vama – moram još puno lišća očistiti, ali trenutno je previše hladno i vlažno – ili odlažem posao? Baršun
Hi Lori
I am seeking experienced help for you on the subject of Mirapex Pramipazole and will let you know the outcome asap.Your husband has obviously accepted he has a problem and you are looking after the finances, both signs which bode well for a better future.
I suggest that you don’t ask him where he is going for the time being – if he is a CG (compulsive gambler) then the chances are you will get a lie anyway, so save your breath and your energy.
Did he willingly ask you to look after the finances? Many F&F do handle the finances but I understand what you mean about feeling like you are mothering him and that it is not what you expected to do in your marriage – hopefully given knowledge of the addiction to gamble you will make your own decisions on how you want to go on.
I am hesitant about writing too much until I either have good information for you, or your husband gets good advice from his doctor which confirms or denies his self-diagnosis.
I assume that he is saying that his addiction kicked in shortly after he started taking these pills and there has been no previous evidence of a problem. When did you notice that he did have a problem?
Later marriages should be a joy and I am hoping that this concern will be short lived. I hope it helps when I tell you that the CG in my life has not gambled for 12 years and I do not mother him. I know that the addiction to gamble, with or without medication triggers, can be controlled which is why I am on this site.
Speak soon
Velvet
Hello Lori
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi WGF
Forums like this work exactly as you said – you get your thoughts out rather than allowing them to go round and round in your mind with no hope of finding a different solution.
Don’t worry about doing nothing until you are ready – it is better to stand still at such times until you know which way forward ‘you’ want to go.
Your boyfriend lives with failure, which is the nature of his addiction so he will lack confidence and self-esteem. To cover up he will use lies and prevarication to confuse you which is his coping mechanism. However much your boyfriend convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
Puppies and children need someone to be responsible for them but at the moment your boyfriend is not able to take responsibility for his own life never mind additional little lives. It seems to me that you are doing the right thing holding back on things that would merely add to your worries.
Would you consider telling him that you are seeking help – maybe he would be surprised that you would consider that you need support too?
Maybe you could download the GA 20-Questions from the gamblers anonymous web site and ask him to look at it – often CGs do not realise that they are far from alone and that there is real help available.
Sometimes a CG has to experience real hurt as a consequence of their behaviour. You say he would be crushed if he knew that you don’t want to make decisions that tie your lives together so I pose this thought to you – his behaviour is crushing your dream and it is within his grasp to give you both the future you want. If he doesn’t know how you feel and he is ‘getting away’ with crushing your dream then maybe he has no incentive to change.
Was the counsellor he saw a dedicated addiction counsellor?
VelvetHello DCH and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello D and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Tina
Although I am not a CG, I am in the happy position of knowing many who have controlled their addiction and whom I know do not constantly feel themselves being pulled back into its corrosive grip.
I know of many such happy lives but I also know it took blood, sweat and tears to achieve those lives and it is why I keep writing on this site.
I know it can be argued that words are easy for me to say and that I don’t understand but to me it is important to know that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel (regardless of who says it) and not only that, it can be a light that doesn’t go out.
Yes there are ups and downs at the moment but it takes time for a roller-coaster to stop and it takes time to feel yourself on firm ground but it is worth the effort.
I love ducks; knowing you saved that baby duckling tells me that you know that sometimes you have to walk the extra mile to make a difference – just as that duckling was reunited with its mama duck, you can be reunited with the person you want to be.
Keep posting
VelvetHi WGF
I am glad that you have written that which you feel you can’t tell your boyfriend – I believe it is important to get your feelings out and where better to do it than anonymously where nobody can get hurt?
I believe I know why you are continuing the relationship rather than ending it at the moment – you love him and you are hoping that love will win in the end although you are aware that love in itself is not enough. Has your boyfriend shown by his actions, rather than words that he is prepared to try and change his life? There are plenty of GA’s in Wales and GMA is in the Midlands and in Kent, this site is available to him, offering terrific facilitated groups and a fantastic Helpline all of which are anonymous and supportive.
I hope you have had a good Christmas in lovely Norfolk although today is proving pretty rotten weather-wise. Has this period away from your boyfriend been less stressful; sometimes an enforced temporary separation helps you to see the difference between living with an addiction and living out of its shadow.
I am really only posing a thought and not telling you what to do but there are worse scenarios than living on a friend’s sofa for a month – you have a house of your own now so hopefully this is not the only option available to you anyway. Only you can know how much you are prepared to put up with but in my opinion, spending time thinking about what it is that ‘you’ want is more important than wondering what he is doing at any given moment.
I suggest you keep posting, sometimes things become clearer the more you post. It would be great to ‘see’ you in a group where we can ‘talk’ in real time.
In the meantime please ensure that you do things for ‘you’ and that you look after yourself. Don’t make threats you cannot keep, give yourself time to be sure that what you are saying is what you want.
Your boyfriend can change but he has to want to do so and this is shown by him doing things and seeking support towards a gamble-free life.
Speak soon
VelvetHi 3racer
I was leaving the forums when I saw your post mentioning walking in the Peak district with your dog and my mind took a happy leap of memory. My dog has hip and elbow dysplasia so we can’t do the long walks anymore but I do short walks with her everyday and just enjoy nature unfolding around me.
Even as a non-CG I do not like Pay Pal’s heavy handed attitude and I am glad that you are going to go into the New Year without them hounding you. Now that you are clear of debt to them they will probably hound you to use them again and you can now tell them where to go!
I am an avid reader, it is my escape from the world so I understand your enthusiasm – unfortunately if you take too long to read a book it is often necessary to look back and see who is who which take the enjoyment away. I see recovery a bit like a book with each page unfolding something new and with every new chapter being more exciting. Sad chapters can be left behind or used as reference to make the rest of the book more fulfilling.
You are going from strength to strength and in my experience that was how my CG learned to live without fear.
I hope you enjoy Christmas as a time of peace and contentment – you deserve it after all the good work you have put in.
VelvetHi Tina
Nobody can tell you what your partner is thinking but I do know that the start of recovery is an up and down experience for both the CG and those who love them.
Did your partner express such gloomy feelings about Christmas before? I know a few people who say they don’t like Christmas and it is usually based on a childhood experience and nothing to do with their lives now.
Please don’t think that he is pissed off with you based on what you have said in this post. It’s a funny time of year for many and I am sure there are arguments in many homes with expectations of how it should be getting out of hand. Whatever the reason Tina, his mood is a reflection of him and not you – if he is struggling with the locals and the season then it seems to me he has problems that he needs to address.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty – you didn’t ask for or want your addiction, it could have just as easily been the lot of your partner. This is a time for you to focus on you and your recovery because you are determining your future.
If your partner came on to the F&F forum I would be saying the same sort of thing to him – when the world takes a nosedive and everything you dreamed about is upside down then it is important to get yourself upright first because you cannot cope if you are hanging by your toenails. Recovery for both CG and F&F needs to be selfish, making it harder for each to understand what the other is going through – only time gives the reassurance that is wanted and nobody can hurry that process, we can only cope with one day at a time
I hope your partner has returned and that he has cooled down but even if he hasn’t I hope you will look after yourself because ‘you’ matter.
I sincerely wish you gamble-free peace at Christmas.
VelvetDear Lily
I cannot begin to tell you how happy your post made me and I know for certain it will raise the spirits of another too.
You have been asked about every week in the group and now you are here – couldn’t wish for a better Christmas greeting.
Now we know you will make a group, you know that you will be welcomed with open cyber arms.
As Ever
VDear Maverick
You are definitely not the worst person in the world by a long, long, long way. Get back in the driving seat and kick gambling out – I know you can do it.
VelvetDear Laura
Its is good to read that you have Christmas under control – I hope it is a wonderful time for you.
VelvetHi Worried GF
I am glad that you have taken a step back to think about what ‘you’ want and furthermore that you are putting plans for the future on hold until you know what it is that you want. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it and help you make informed decisions.
You have already established that threatening a compulsive gambler makes no difference so always be sure that when you make a threat that you are really able and willing to carry it through. When you make a threat and don’t carry it out, a compulsive gambler will almost certainly believe that given time and a bit of blarney you will always crumble.
In answer to your question, your boyfriend can control his gambling and I know from my own experience and the experience of many others that you can live without constantly questioning what he is doing BUT and it is a big BUT, he has to have the courage to want to change his life and the determination to see it through. This takes time and I mean a long time. Actions do speak louder than words and your boyfriend does need the right support.
Practically, if you stay together it will be tough and the best way for you to help him is to look after yourself first so that you are safe both financially and emotionally.
There is support for your boyfriend; GMA is a fantastic rehab, GA and this site change many lives for the better – but the CG (compulsive gambler) has to want to change.
Please update. It has taken me a long time to reply to you but I have had personal difficulties to overcome, hopefully I am back now and willing to support you for as long as you want me to do so.
Velvet
