[velvet]

Hi Sk
I understand you choosing to respect not speaking to his parents again because it is ‘your’ choice but I must reiterate that you did the right thing for you and probably the right thing for them and their son – if they were completely unaware then they would be perfect enablers.
I like the positivity in this post and I can hear a woman who will come through this dark time whatever the outcome for your partner.
I look forward to ‘seeing’ you later
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello CW and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Sk
We are all entitled, I think, to feel a little sorry for ourselves at times but realising that the universe is not turning on us helps us climb out of the pit of despair which is essential if we are to cope and I assure you the universe is not turning on you.
Unfortunately it is impossible to tell when a person is addicted to gambling, unlike drugs and alcohol it is an invisible addiction, there are no outward warning signs which is why, I believe, so very few people can understand what it is like to live with a CG – unless they have done so. You could not have known so don’t tear yourself apart thinking your judgement is bad and that you are ‘here again’.
Your partner is far from being in control, his self-confidence and self-esteem will be low because his addiction means he is doomed to fail when he gambles. The conceit and calculation that your partner is exhibiting is him puffing himself up to convince you that he is in control; he needs to believe in his addiction and so he struts to get you to back off.
Sadly there is no cure for this addiction but there is control and your partner can live a wonderful life if he faces his demons and determines to live gamble-free.
I understand your anger but please be careful of anger as it can often implode and not allow you the thinking space to do what is right for you – and you are important.
The most important thing you can do to help him is to look after yourself and your children – it might not seem the most important thing but for all his conceited appearance he will not want to see you brought down. His world is one of confusion and secrecy, it is one that has to place blame on anybody and everybody else because he cannot take responsibility for his actions – yet.
I understand that you don’t know yet whether or not you want to carry on with your relationship but I assure you that nobody here will suggest you leave or stay, what I do know is that, with knowledge of the addiction, you will be able to make informed decisions about what it is that you want and how to cope.
Speak soon and hopefully pop into an F&F group – the next one is on Thursday 8th.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth
I hope you are getting out of bed and getting some of that sun. Staying in bed is going to keep you locked in your sad feelings whereas sun and fresh air can breathe hope into your thoughts.
I think a lot women feel alone at times even when they are not, I can’t answer if men feel this too. I find the feelings inexplicable when I have them and it doesn’t help when people tell me to ‘come on, you’re alright’. On this site though we don’t say that, we understand.
I suggest you make yourself a nice drink and perhaps read a book that has positive characters in it. Think about the things that give you pleasure, the successful things that you have achieved – your grandchildren, your children during their good times, your gamble-free days, the regard that people have for you on here.
Do you remember the running thread that used to be on the site, where we all listed the thing that made us happy – I loved the posts that mentioned going for a walk on a spring morning, going barefoot in soft sand, watching a child sleep? For me it would be playing my ukulele (probably badly) and singing with my friends. .
Life isn’t perfect Lizbeth but duvet days don’t make it better. Write a list of things you could achieve today and then tick them off as you do them – don’t make it too difficult.
Thinking of you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Raynor
I’m sorry you felt compelled to take off your previous post because your girlfriend’s gift was a fantastic gift for anybody to get – apart from someone with an addiction to gamble and she didn’t know that.
You didn’t upset anybody but as a facilitator on this site and someone who has lived with the addiction I know what a trip to Vegas can do to an active CG and I know what secrecy can do to a relationship so I felt I had to write as I did – but I do understand her happiness at giving you something that she believed was so special and your happiness at receiving it in the spirit it was meant.
Whatever you decide to do Raynor I hope you will keep posting.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth
Brush yourself down and be thankful you have not damaged yourself beyond repair.
I am so pleased that you woke up this morning so that you could write in a forum where you are cared for very much.
You are a great role model because when you have a slip you don’t dress it up with excuses but you face it and get on with your life.
I think you have got ‘it’ but ‘it’ temporarily fell off the shelf and now ‘it’ needs a bit of tlc and understanding.
Believe in yourself Lizbeth. See gambling for the enemy it is to you, accept that your mind will turn to it when you are not feeling on top of things but ‘know’ without a shadow of doubt that you have the strength to control it.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Chelsea
I think that Billy Bob’s post says it all and I am so pleased he has written to you. In my turn I can tell you that your dad can change, he can be the dad you want him to be and not only that, he can be the dad he would rather be; if it was not so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
I recognise everything that you have written and I appreciate how you feel he has used all his chances but sometimes when we walk the extra mile it can make all the difference and that is what you have done writing your post – well done.
Four questions to help me understand you and your situation better although please don’t write anything you are unhappy with. How is your mother handling all this? Do you have siblings? How old is your father? Do you live at home?
Your father will have to want the placement with GMA or it will not work for him but hopefully if he has reached a new low he hopefully will be willing to accept his addiction and change.
When an addiction is in a family there is often tears and anger but these don’t help the person with the addiction or those who are crying and angry. I am hoping you will tell you mum that you have sought support for you and that you can help her to understand what works and what doesn’t work with an active CG.
Your father’s behaviour is sadly not surprising but his addiction means that he is not emotionally mature and therefore behaves in a way that fathers should not behave in a perfect world. You seem very understanding and he is lucky to have a daughter like you who is trying to help him in spite of himself.
Keep talking Chelsea, join the groups, talk to our Helpline which is brilliant and maybe get your mother to do so too.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sk
As I said in my first reply, I think you did incredibly well writing such a difficult post.
It is common to think that a partner who gambles is having an affair and in many ways it is true that they are, except their loved one is not another woman but an addiction with more devious ways than any woman will ever have.
Your partner has lied to you to cover for his addiction. At some time he has gambled like so many other people without a care in the world, little suspecting that for him lay a path of addiction and distorted thinking. By the time your partner realised he had a problem it probably would have been too difficult for him to explain to anybody, so he adopted lies to help him cope. The addiction takes away self-esteem and self-confidence leaving the gambler confused/angry/frightened/desperate resulting in moods that are unacceptable to those they love.
Active CGs find it very difficult to accept responsibility for their actions and they often struggle more when children arrive needing a responsible parent. This is not to say that your partner cannot be a good parent once he takes responsibility for himself.
It would not surprise me at all if his parents had not known the cause of your problem long before you told them; I believe that by telling them you merely confirmed their worst fears. They are probably unnecessarily ashamed which is why you possibly have not heard from them since. They now have the problem under their roof and that is scary for them.
You are not the biggest grass and you are not even the littlest grass ever, you are caring, you are lost and I believe you have done the best thing by coming here and by telling them..
I really hope you will join one of our F&F groups this week, either on Tuesday or Thursday between 10 and 11 pm (22.00 -23.00 hours UK time) where we can communicate in real time. They are safe and anonymous and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I would imagine your boyfriend is feeling pretty lousy and angry at the moment but that is his problem, not yours, his behaviour has created this situation and it is not your fault. It is common for compulsive gamblers to blame those closest BUT and it is a big BUT – if he accepts his problem and determines to change his life he can be the man you fell in love with forever; if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
Pleading, shouting, crying, threatening a CG when they are actively gambling is a waste of time because they just don’t hear, so when he emerges from his self-imposed hibernation, it would be better to just ask him to talk to you, to help you understand and listen to what he has to say.
He does need treatment, I have yet to meet a CG who has learned to control his gambling successfully without support but the support on this site, in GA, in GMA (If you are in the UK), in dedicated addiction counselling.
Given time and knowledge of the addiction to gamble you will be able to make up your own mind what it is that ‘you’ want but in the meantime keep posting, join our groups and look after yourself and your children. Nobody here would ever suggest that you give up on your relationship or that you put up with poor behaviour but with knowledge it is easier to make informed decisions and there is a lot to say about support for those who own this addiction and those who live with them.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Chelsea

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Tommy and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi SK
I’ve put our official welcome on for you but I just wanted to say that I have read and understood your post and that I will reply to you properly tomorrow.
The first post is always the hardest and I imagine yours was very hard to write but I am glad that you have,, it is a lot to have going round in your brain.
You deserve a considered reply but my initial thought, which won’t change, is that you did right to tell his parents and you must not lose sleep over doing so.
I hope that you have had some relief from putting all those words down; I will never forget the first time that I did it many years ago – ‘my’ recovery started at that point..
Anyway I will reply to you tomorrow but in the mean time I hope you sleep tonight, you are much stronger than you feel and you are definitely stronger than your partner’s addiction.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Sk

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi I_quit
am a great believer in taking all the support you can get and mixing this on-line therapy with face-to-face help is great.
Please continue to use our groups, Helpline and forum regardless of any other support you seek.
Your wife is welcome to pop in to our Friends and Family support group when you are ready to tell her – I would be delighted to help her understand how she can best support you in your early recovery, in preparation for an amazing life.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi I_quit
The number one reason, I believe, that you have to quit is for ‘you’ because if you are not functioning happily your family will suffer.
I say the same to Friends and Family, we are all the same; we are human and recovery often has to be selfish but I don’t see it as pure selfishness – if we look after ourselves first, put our own house in order, then we are not impotent when it comes to supporting those we love.
Nick suggested allowing your wife to handle the finances and this is a common for gamblers to do, at least in early recovery. Some gamblers feel that getting someone else to handle their finances is asking to be treated as a child but in my experience it is recognition of the depth of a very real problem. It is certainly one of the first things that happens in rehab and that is because it works.
Your introduction to gambling is also common – if you had known what placing a bet would do you would never have done it. Your addiction is not your fault and there is no shame in owning it – but recognising that it will destroy you and those you love and then doing something about it is mind-building. Taking a dreadful experience and turning it into something good is fantastic – I know because I have seen it.
You are doing well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I understand only too well the feeling of anxiety when returning to work after years away and I think you did well recognising that your happiness is more important.
You did what was right for you and that is how it should be
Well done
Velvet

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