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Hello Tyler and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Kin
Understanding the dopamine and serotonin helps to explain what happens when an addiction is triggered but doesn’t help if you don’t know why you were triggered in the first place – maybe you need to look at that which you say you do know about yourself -how you feel and how it leads you to gamble.
So Kin, how do you feel and how does it lead you to gamble?
Keep posting Kin. I have so many of your wise words tucked away but sadly words are not enough – they offer guidance and help us to think, which is great but thought doesn’t always translate into action.
Maybe you could work on changing situations, lessening the times when the ‘same thing happens again’. What difference can you make to your life to bring ‘you’ to a different conclusion?
VelvetHi Jackie
I am sorry I have not sent you a reply sooner. I had just got back from a couple of days away when I first read you post, I replied in word and then went and did something else and completely forgot to post it. This doesn’t help you one jot, however and I can only hope you return to the forum again for the support you should have had earlier and which you deserve.
Your partner is blaming you, calling you the crazy one to distract you from that which you know to be true – he has gambled and the responsibility for doing so, it his and his alone.
The swanning around is common and it is swan like – assuming a look of calm serenity on the surface but desperately trying to keep control underneath. Your partner will lack confidence and self-esteem and both these things are often covered by swaggering behaviour. He has an addiction that means he will fail if he indulges it and constant failure is hard to live with – hence the bravado act that is only on the surface.
It is indeed a shame that you have to check the business account so often but I suggest that it is something you will need to do, while you decide what you want to do next, in order to protect your interest. Your partner is capable of bleeding the account dry if he gets the opportunity.
Does your partner accept he has an addiction? Has he ever sought help?
In answer to your final question, ‘you’ cannot control his addiction, only he can do that and he has to want to do it. What you can do, which is important for you and for him is to look after yourself because if you do fall, you will not be able to support yourself, never mind your partner.
I hope you will post again and maybe pop into an F&F group where you will be very welcome.
VelvetHello Jackie
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Jonas
There is nothing calm about the addiction to gamble – it is active in your brain and ready to take you from the person you want to be, to a person who is capable of losing everything, in the twinkle of an eye.
Abstinence is not recovery Jappy but you are going further than attempting abstinence, you are participating on a site that offers support, guidance and empathy, so well done on starting your thread and posting support to others.
In my opinion, it is important that you stop thinking you can gamble calmly or responsibly – these are definitely not compulsive gambling traits.
Re-read your words in your first post Jonas – ‘Only thing I am thankful in my finances is that I gladly have no debt, and never will due to this habit.’ – I’m sorry to tell you that there is absolutely no guarantee that you will never have debt if you indulge your compulsion, in fact I would guarantee the opposite. The addiction has no regard for your welfare, it will suck you dry.
Keep posting and hopefully you will soon be able to look back on your journal and see how far you have come.
VelvetHi Thomas
It is indeed a slippery slope between placing a bet for fun, chasing debts and gradually evolving into a compulsive gambler who cannot walk away so I salute you that you have made this brave decision to stand your ground and revaluate your life before, as Jappy so rightly says, you lose everything.
I sincerely hope that you keep the money you have in your bank. I suggest you keep posting and join our groups to keep yourself focussed on what can happen when the little devil complacency whispers in your ear.
This site would not be here if this was a problem that could be dealt with overnight – it takes a lot off effort to change the way you have been living but it can be done – if it were not so I wouldn’t be here.
Maybe anything can happen if you bet again but you will ultimately lose if you do, that is the nature of the addiction that clouds your judgement.
Well done starting you thread. I look forward to hearing you kick an addiction that I know you never wanted and never asked for but sadly is your reality. You can do it.
VelvetHi Debbie
Jonas has given you a terrific reply and I too hope you will keep posting because recovery is tough but not impossible. I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and you can have the ability to treat your partner to many meals and buy loads of bunches of flowers for your mum.
Compulsive gambling is an addiction that creeps up on you without you realising it until it is too late but the good news is that recovery is never too late and you have made a big step in the right direction by posting here.
Recognising that you cannot gamble responsibly is important to you, as is taking responsibility for your debt.
You can be the person you want to be but it will take courage and determination on your part – I am positive that you have the courage even if it will feel sometimes that it has deserted you.
Please use our groups, our Helpline and this forum for as long as you want to do so. Maybe you could look at going to a GA meeting; many people find that physically sharing with others is really helpful. Take all the support you can get and maybe tell you mum what you are doing. If she would like support for herself then she is very welcome in our F&F forum or in our F&F groups.
You can do it Debbie. I look forward to reading your progress.
VelvetHello Thomas and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Debbie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Micky
Please email in or contact the Helpline about any concerns or suggestions you have about the site, you will be heard.
VelvetHi Micky
I’m sorry you have not felt adequately supported.
You are doing really well and I will keep an eye open for you as you progress further.
I like the way your thoughts turned and ran the other way when gambling came into your mind on the way home from your union meeting.
The good wolf was satisfied, you chose life and you made me smile; yup you deserve a well done.
VelvetHi Sk
In answer to your final question ‘Yes, yes a thousand times yes’.
I did take anti-depressants and I was – and am again – an incredibly strong person. The addiction to gamble turned me into a pathetic blob and I danced its tune for far too many years.
It was talking to other people, who understood, that saved me. I can assure you he has not and will not break you as a person; the steel backbone you always had is still there, just a little bent. Someday, hopefully soon, you can learn to use this experience to enrich the rest of your life because allowing it to defeat you means the addiction has won again and that is not acceptable.
The addiction to gamble can only have a negative effect on your life if you allow it to do so. It is having a negative effect on your partner’s life but he is unable to see it – you can and therefore you can do something about it.
I went to doctors and saw a psychiatrist because I thought the problem was me – the counsellor I saw only wanted to know about ‘my’ childhood and eventually convinced me that the problem really was me which did enormous damage so please ensure you get a counsellor who understands the addiction to gamble. Finally I went to Gam-Anon and it was there, where I met others like me, that I realised it was not me that was the problem and the relief was unbelievable. It was then that I started to rebuild ‘my’ life and find me.
Completing a nail course is a whopping big step in the right direction, financially and emotionally it will give you a much needed boost – well done. I would love to be your first customer except that I already see someone every 4 weeks. The girl I see always walks the extra mile with her customers, I know because various friends have gone to her as a result of her transforming my nails. We get shapes, half glitter, full glitter, as many colours as we want and she attempts designs that we ‘think’ will look divine on us. It is walking this extra mile that is important, I think, when we really want to achieve the best result for ourselves and those around us.
An active GC has often got a terrible memory and it is possible that your partner isn’t putting it on; with his head full of addiction he forgets what he said and then argues that it was you that got it wrong. I can’t tell you what to do but i know entering an argument over child care arrangements will only drain your energy. To cover for addiction, most active CGs will lie and usually one lie follows another until finally their memories are clouded with the lies they have told and their lies become ‘their’ truth.
I suggest you do what is right for your children regardless of what he has said because at the moment he can’t be responsible for himself never mind another life.
I am concerned that you say he is controlling ‘your’ money and of course that can’t be right. Is it possible for you to open an account in your name of which he will have no knowledge? You need money to look after your children and your home. Personally I wouldn’t take a great deal of notice about him threatening to take the children’s clothes, car seats, prams, etc because it sounds like a lot of hot air and he is the master of threats. He probably forgot this threat fairly quickly, after all what would he do with things – of course you would be within your rights to go to the police with such ridiculous behaviour.
I know that I cannot ‘know’ his parents but they are probably struggling too and don’t know what to do with their out- of- control son – I doubt that his poor behaviour is just restricted to you. Look after you first and take all the support you can from those who care about you.
I really hope you will make a group next week so that we can ‘talk’ in real time but keep posting anyway and I will try and answer all your questions.
I am sorry the forum is so quiet, the groups tend to see more members because it is private but please use the forum anyway – it gives me time to give you a more thought out reply.
Once again, well done with those nails – mine are royal blue diagonally up each nail and silver sparkle in the other half – very swish!
VelvetHi Sk
I hope you are still putting yourself and your children first.
You mentioned your loneliness and I just wanted to say that I am here for you, you are not alone.
I hope you will make a group some time soon – it is good to ‘talk’ in real time
VelvetHi YBR
I wondered what was happening in your life. You are right that F&F on this site totally get what you are talking about.
Please keep using the support, you have a lot on your plate but sharing with those who understand can often help you to cope, for me many years ago, it was a life-saver.
VelvetHi UN
It would be great to get an update. Once you come on the radar here your posts do not get forgotten.
I am hoping you pop in to another group or update your thread.
Thinking of you
Velvet
