[velvet]

Hi D
Don’t waste time wishing you had done something different; you cannot change what has gone before. Today you are gamble-free and your life sounds good – well done.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rednita
As I was writing my response, I was trying to answer two scenarios – one where he is taking GA seriously and hands over the cheque and the other where he doesn’t. I headed more for the thought that he was going to make the effort in view of his attending GA, in which case I do believe it is good not to invoke stress.
Of course you can be mad and furious and I am not surprised. However, I believe it is important to be aware that being mad and furious does not affect an active CG – he won’t hear you. A CG who had been through rehab and was living in control of his addiction told me that when he was shouted at, it was like white noise that made no sense and the best thing to do was to escape in a gamble. A lot of energy is expended in F&F anger and it is this energy that, I believe, is best saved for looking after you.
It is a waste of time making threats unless you are positive that you are prepared to carry out the threat. If a threat is not carried through the CG will take it as a green light to carry on.
Did your boyfriend talk about his GA experience? Has his mood and behaviour changed since he went? Is he still going of his own accord?
It seems to me that your boyfriend knows you are worried about tossing him out but he probably thinks he is ok – after all why worry about something that he doesn’t think will happen?
There is no easy answer, we have no crystal ball, I can tell you what doesn’t work based on experience, I can tell you what might make a difference but when all is said and done, if your boyfriend wants to carry on gambling, there is nothing you can do to stop him.
I was hopeful for your boyfriend when you said he was attending GA – I am always hopeful for change but I am aware that F&F often have to change too if they want the outcome that is right for them. The ups and downs of living with an active CG are awful; the ups and downs of living with a CG who is in early recovery can be awful. Knowing what you really want and how far you are prepared to go to get it is important.
If your boyfriend really does want to live a gamble-free life then GMA is a wonderful rehab if you are in the UK – details of which can be found on a lower forum.
Come back at me again if I am not giving you the support that you deserve – it took me months to get, my head around the addiction to gamble and how to cope, when I first started my recovery.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello PG99 and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Festus and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Rednita
I would be amazed if you did not have roller coaster emotions of your own – the addiction to gamble affects all those who are close to a CG. However, your boyfriend will not be deliberately hurting you or causing you concern – It is very common that CGs (compulsive gamblers) are totally unaware of the damage their addiction inflicts on others.
What was his reaction to his GA meetings?
I understand all your feelings but due to his addiction clouding his mind, your anger and frustration will go completely over his head.
You cannot make your bf stop gambling; only he can do that. What you can do is support him in the right way so that he knows you are walking with him while he tries to change his life.
I cannot tell you what to do because it is your life and all decisions have to come from you but decisions are better made when they are informed so you are in the right place. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it and help you cope.
Before I write anymore with what I know is a tough message, I must tell you that I would not be writing to you if I did not ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that fantastic lives can and are lived as a result.
Conditions rarely work unless the CG is 100% determined to control his/her addiction. We talk about ‘our need’ for them to stop gambling whereas they see ‘their need’ is to gamble so telling him what he ‘needs’ to do will almost cetainly not carry any weight.
I hope the following will help you understand what is happening when you talk to your bf, although not recognised professionally it has been a coping mechanism for many of us – and I know it works.
Imagine your bf’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him, his addiction is alert and ready to intervene if challenged.
The good news is that although your bf is controlled by his addiction, you are not; with knowledge you can be one step ahead. When you threaten his addiction with conditions, the beast will be there between you. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation but you are not and nor do you want, or need, to be.
His addiction means that when he gambles he is doomed to fail and constant failure strips away self-esteem and confidence; which is probably how you feel too. Just as CGs feel failure; so to F&F feel failure when they seemingly cannot change a devastating situation .
GA and sites like this can make a difference but it depends on the individual how they see and digest the support. Our ‘My Journal’ forum and CG only groups are like GA – they are made up of CGs who are in various stages of controlling their addiction and also those who have controlled their addiction. They recognise and respond to each other in a way that those of us who do not own the addiction cannot do.
What we can do is listen when they want to change their lives, encourage them in the right way and not discourage them in the wrong way. By all means ask him how he got on at the meetings but listen more that you ask questions. Many CG in early recovery don’t want to talk for fear of raising hopes that they are afraid they cannot fulfil.

My suggestion is that you gently ask about his GA meetings and listen without criticism. Post what he is saying so that we can chew it over between us. The best thing I ever did was ask my CG to help me to understand better. Now that your bf has started a recovery programme he should have a better idea of himself and what he wants to happen. He may have difficulty in trusting you with how he feels, this is also common, but if you are listening without flying off the handle then he will learn to trust you and tell you more.
With regard to Pay Day, I think much the same approach. In my opinion launching in immediately will put his addiction beast on the defence, allow him time to hand over his cheque and if it is not forthcoming for maybe an hour ask him if he still wants you to support him by holding his finances as you had agreed. Allow him to make his decisions, allow him to remember what, hopefully, he has learned at GA. Try and not let him think that gambling is always at the forefront of your mind – even if it is.
Avoiding arguments is good because they only serve to allow the CG to place blame away from themselves. Try and not show your anxiety – he has to make the right choices, just as you do.
Finally and most importantly please look after yourself. Your health and happiness are paramount and without them you will not help him or you. Keep up with friends and family, enjoy hobbies and interests; live in the centre of your life and not on the periphery of his. If he sees you happy and coping then he will have the time to put his own house in order. Of course you have to keep a watchful eye because his addiction can damage you greatly but now you are aware you can see more of the whole picture than he can.
There is a lot more to say so I hope you will keep posting – the live group is great too and you will be very welcome.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Rednita

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I’m glad that you have made your goals obtainable Lizbeth, I am a list writer and I always make sure I can complete the ‘to do’ list by not putting much on it.
Have a lovely week with your grandson Lizbeth and forget your worries for a while.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Peter
I have wasted far too many sleepless nights over ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ because they changed nothing
Letting go of old thinking is part of accepting there is a different way forward. Promise nothing to anybody and without fanfare take a leap of faith, use all the support you can get and quietly determine that just for today you will not gamble.
The CG in my life actively gambled for at least 25 years until 11 years ago when he realised he was responsible for being the person he didn’t like or want to be. He changed his life by taking just one day at a time. He will always be a CG but he controls his actions and lives happily without the daily feeling of failure that comes from the gambling addiction. He now has a roof over his head and clothes that belong to him; his car is a bit more modern than yours but he loves it; He eats well and laughs a lot.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Peter if I believed for a minute that you could not have the gamble-free life you crave and it doesn’t matter how many years have gone before, there are better ones ahead, if you determine that that just for today you will not gamble.
I know I am over-simplifying the courage it takes to face the addiction demon and you would have every right to think that I can’t understand but I am fortunate to have seen and heard of many CGs who have changed their lives in the past 11 years. What I have constantly been amazed about is the sheer joy that comes from winning the fight – lives can be and are, more special for the things that are learned along the way of recovery. It cannot happen overnight; it isn’t easy, it takes a lot of patience; but it is worth the effort and this forum, Helpline and groups will walk with you all the way.
Use all the support that you can, use this thread as a journal to watch your progress – it’s the next 35 years that matters and it only has to start with ‘today’.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Monka and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Peter and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello I have to… and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Tyler and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Bedder
It is great that you have 2 gamble-free days behind you now and even better that you have been referred to therapy.
I hope I can shed some light on your wife’s reaction. She will have been shocked by what you have told her and as the knowledge sinks in she will naturally feel anger, disappointment and sadness and she will experience a lack of trust.
She will not be able to understand the problem quickly, indeed it might take her quite a while but now that matters are now out in the open you can both begin your recoveries.
It might help your wife to talk about her worries and concerns and I would be delighted to welcome her on to the Friends and Family forum or into an F&F group – there is one tomorrow evening between 22.00-23.00 hours UK time. The group is private; she can voice all her concerns anonymously and safely. She will hear that you can control your addiction and that with her support you will do better. She will learn that you didn’t ask for or want your problem. She will hear that now you have accepted your addiction and you are determined to control it, that you can be the man that you want to be and the man and father she wants you to be.
At no time would it be suggested that she leaves you.
She is unable to help you with your mood at the moment Bedder, she is struggling to come to terms with her life turned upside down – just as you are. With knowledge she can give you the support you need but please remember that she needs support from you too, especially in these early days
I hope she will seek support, as you have done.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Bedder and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Jenn and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Author]

Posts