[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Being present for our children is probably the finest gift we can give them and you do it so well. Your mother is such a poor role model but she is her own worst enemy.
Look after yourself Lizbeth, I know you will never get in to any of your mother’s modes you are far too kind for that.
I hope you have a lovely night with your granddaughter – you deserve to have a wonderful time.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Tina
Great to see an update and fantastic to read the how positive you are feeling.
Thanks for making me smile
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Nick
I am sorry on one hand that your birthday celebration wasn’t one that you enjoyed but on the other hand I am glad that your painful wake-up call was not as bad as it could have been and that you have returned without too much damage.
Now that there are no surprise plans for the future for you to worry about, you can settle in to the gamble-free life that you wish for yourself and which you deserve.
Well done telling your girlfriend that you have a problem; whether she understand or not it will hopefully mean you can decline to join her in a casino in the future without too much explanation.
Welcome back
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ruzsche
It is often very hard for a mother not to enable when she has a family who need her to care for them. Your mother is vulnerable, she is being taken advantage of in a terrible way and I feel for her.
Do you have other family to support you – uncles or aunts who would be prepared to intervene on your behalf?
How old are all your siblings; are you all united on taking action? I am wondering, if you have enough family support and adult siblings, if an intervention with your father would be possible. Interventions have been known to work but they are not for everybody and your father’s bullying tactics might mean it is not a path you wish to take. An intervention is where everybody sits down with your father and tells him that enough is enough.
I am not suggesting that your mother should leave but why is a separation for her not possible; she is obviously very talented and capable in that she is keeping the home running in the face of great adversity?
I’m afraid that sometimes the only way to keep someone away is to use the law – is this an option?
Please keep posting. Your situation is very difficult and I hope sharing will give you greater strength to cope.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi UN
One of my colleagues has made a different suggestion regarding your son’s behaviour, from the one I put forward to you so I hope you will pop in to the group again so that we can mull different ideas over.
It would be great to get an update anyway as I have been thinking about you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Emkae
At no time will anybody here ever tell you to stay or to leave – such a decision must be yours but decisions are best made when they are informed, so I am pleased you have started your thread – knowledge of your husband’s addiction will help you cope.
Waving appointments with psychologists and doctors around is not actually doing anything towards seeking help and it seems to me that your husband is procrastinating in the hope that you will stop questioning him, leaving him free to indulge his addiction.
Your post certainly suggests that your husband is not committed to change but this is probably because he is afraid of what will happen if he seeks help.
I don’t know what has happened in your lives but it is common for active CGs to blame those who love them because it deflects responsibility for their poor behaviour. It is almost certain that his addiction causes his depression and you are to blame. He lives with failure because his addiction means he will always lose.
I think it is important that you don’t threaten to leave your husband unless you are absolutely positive that you have the means and the determination to carry your threat through. Every time a threat is not carried out, the words become meaningless and an active CG will feel safe to gamble without consequences. You still love your husband so I am thinking that leaving him is not at the forefront of your mind.
Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-questions from their website and leave them for your husband to see. I don’t suggest handing them to him because it could cause an argument but if he sees them, then it might show him that not only are you seeking support but that there is support for him too.
I am sorry that he rejected your offer to handle the finances – many CGs who want to change their lives do hand them over willingly.
Do you have family to support you? I know it is difficult asking for support from people who do not understand what it is like to live with the addiction to gamble – I think the most common reaction is to say ‘leave’ and I don’t think that is what you want. In my onion it is good to ask for support but to say that you don’t want opinions on your relationship as you are getting support for that elsewhere.
I hope you will keep posting, please ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them. We have a brilliant Helpline here too if either you or your husband want to communicate one-to-one. Everything on this site is anonymous and you are welcome to take all the support we offer.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Momchait
I am so pleased to read that not only will you not enable but that your son is aware of it too, even if subconsciously he thinks you will be there if there is a real crunch. There is little you can do to dispel this belief in a CG until the time comes.
You did nothing wrong – nothing you have done would have made any difference to your son owning this addiction. You cannot make him stop gambling, you cannot force him to seek help but by keeping closed a main avenue of enablement and by being the rock on which he can one day depend, you are doing the best thing for him.
I am sure you were there for him to turn to but he is an individual with his own choices and at some point he started making poor choices. He would not have wanted you to know what was happening to him or what he was doing because he could not understand it himself; shame and embarrassment play a large part in this addiction being kept secret which is truly sad because it is one of the last thing anyone would choose to own.
Your son will lack self-esteem and confidence because he is a CG – he can’t get his act together, he will always lose if he gambles and at the moment he doesn’t know why – why can’t ‘he’ gamble when others can? He is young and probably still full of the belief that he is different and that he will defeat his problem without help – with time, understanding, lack of enablement I believe he can be brought to the realisation that he cannot do this alone and that is when you are the signpost towards all the excellent support there is for him.
He is almost certainly depressed because of his addiction and not the other way around.
Intelligence and social background are not definitive factors with the addiction t gamble.
I fully appreciate you worry about him a lot – it is scary but you worrying has done nothing to change your son. At the moment his happiness and well-being are entirely in his hands until he accepts he has a problem and that he wants to seek help.
Even if you don’t feel it, you are doing well. Does your son know that you are seeking support?
I hope it will help you to know that it is my son who is a CG and that neither he, nor I, live n the shadow of his addiction. He will always be a CG, he will always face tough choices but he controls his addiction and is living a wonderful life. I do not do ‘what if’ or ‘if only’, nor do I dwell in the past, I use my experience for reference and I will answer any questions – some more openly within a group setting.
I really hope that we can ‘meet’ in the group tonight as ‘talking’ in real time in a group where nothing leaves the group can be very rewarding.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Emkae

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Ruzsche

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Momchait
I do my best to reply promptly but I don’t always succeed!
I am making assumptions so please forgive me if I go off on the wrong tangent. I assume that you are aware of your son’s problems because he has gambling debts and possibly brings his worries home to you. Clearing gambling debts for a CG, with all the best intentions, is enablement. As soon as the slate is wiped clean the CG sees the opportunity to gamble at will leaving those who cleared the debt confused and often afraid. As my CG said to me I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons.
I am wondering if his roommates are aware of his problem and if they possibly enable him and then want their money back – this is a common scenario and parents inevitably feel the pain that their son is causing others and repay the roommates – sadly this is also enablement.
It is good, I think, that your son is not under your roof which hopefully gives you breathing space from his addiction. It is so important that you live your life without his addiction controlling you because it will take you down with it if you allow it to do so.
Are his older siblings managing their lives and doing well? Does your son appear to believe he has not had their opportunities? Regardless of how your son appears, a gambling addiction will cause him to lack self-esteem and self-confidence because that is the nature of the addiction. I have seen active CGs positively swagger with the belief that they are in control when in fact their lives suggest anything but.
I’m sorry to keep loading you with questions but I hope you will keep posting so that between us we can find the best way forward for you; you have done well starting a thread and hopefully you will soon be able to look back and see how well you are doing.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi I-Did-It
I will attempt to answer your question about those in long term recoveries being harsh.
The CG I know went through rehab which in those days was a 9 month residency. After 6 months I saw him again and he told me that those who were just starting were behaving badly (his words were stronger than that but I think this forum is not the place to paraphrase his words accurately). For the first time he could see how he must have been before he accepted his problem and started to work on himself.
After 9 months he faced his next big hurdle – the harsh reality of re-entering the world that didn’t understand, didn’t even want to understand and couldn’t gave a tinker’s cuss about his struggles – he got hurt many, many times.
On reflection he could now see the route that he had taken and that different people were on different parts of the route and he went through a long period with the most amazing patience for those who were following him. It is hard, however, for those who have come out of the shadow not to want others to come out too and (although you may disagree) I have found that patience is not a common CG trait.
Reality is hard but you are on a life-time journey, not one that lasts 6 or 9 months. Those in long term recoveries are still CGs, still facing their demons. They are not, as I read in another post ‘cured’ and I weep for that fact but I can’t change it and nor can they.
I know the CG in my life does not think he is in recovery but terms himself a CG who controls his addiction. I firmly believe that the painful harsh feelings your are experiencing today will bring you to a future that is good and where the daily struggle for control lessens and even disappears.
I wish you well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rednita
Your best friend has lost himself too and doesn’t know what to do. Even when you tell him what you think he should do he doesn’t hear.
I truly believed that there was not the smallest likelihood that my CG had any love for me or any feeling whatsoever. When I started my long haul recovery I too thought back about our relationship. I remembered the person he had been but I could no longer see the person I had loved.
I think that with all the downs I must have changed too – the fun had gone out of being with him, the warmth had left my feelings; there was no going back; I was done for.
I think when you try and understand how an active CG can be so uncaring then you are trying to make sense of the senseless and that leaves thoughts swirling around in your brain with no answer. I know now that the addiction to gamble takes over the mind of the CG leaving no room for honest, loving care. Again I have had it likened to me by a CG that it is like having a head full of sand but with treatment some of the sand can be tipped out leaving space for good and honest thoughts.
For me the making of amends has been in seeing the CG in my life be honest, dependable, likable, and loveable again. He told me years ago that he could not live with guilt, only regret. I accept that there should not be guilt for a CG who has made the effort to change – because he didn’t know when he harmlessly placed his first bet and won, that addiction was his lot. I placed many bets way back then and it didn’t happen to me and that is something that I cannot explain.
Only you can get yourself off the roller coaster, only you can save you. If you are living with his addiction in your mind 24 hours a day then you are not living your life. Are you keeping up with friends and enjoying hobbies? Most F&F find that they have lost a lot of the things they used to enjoy because of someone else’s addiction and in doing so they are not helping themselves or the person they love.
He can’t understand how much he hurts you because if he tried to do so he would have to face his demons, he would be forced to take responsibility for the pain he has inflicted. How much easier it is to drown such thoughts out with gambling. To fight the addiction to gamble takes tremendous courage, it is the hardest thing a CG will ever have to do and many cannot face that fight; it is a decision which means they can never indulge that which they believe is the only thing worth doing in their lives, again.
You are grieving and it is good to recognise that but grief should be dealt with or lives are ruined. The way back for you is to live your life free of his addiction and by that I do not mean that you should throw him out.
You haven’t said whether or not he is still going to GA or if he has discussed the 20-questions with you. If you have never heard of the 20-questions then maybe you could look on the GA website, your boyfriend will have seen them at his meeting. Is he talking about how he feels and how he wants to live or are you both just muddling through waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Many CG steal and then blur the line of what is right and what isn’t but a CG who steals but then seeks support and changes his life is not a thief whereas a thief who becomes a CG probably will always be a thief.
Are you paying for your boyfriends food, petrol (gas); how did he end up owing you 700; is he so comfortable with the way things are that he doesn’t want to change?
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Momchait
Just a quick follow up to our welcome post because I have only just seen your new thread as I was closing down for the night.
Your son is following a well-known path when he believes he can solve his problem himself. The good news is that there is a lot of help for him when he is ready although unfortunately your son does not think he is ready yet.
I will write to you again asap when I can give you the thought out response your post deserves.
I hope it will help you to know that I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that your son can control his addiction with the right treatment.
I would like to get a fuller picture of your son to help me support you: Does he still live at home? Does he have siblings?
You are very welcome to join the F&F group on Tuesday between 22.00 – 23.00 hours UK time, there is usually at least one other mum to talk to. In the meantime please keep posting.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Momchait

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

I think you should be aware Micky that GT is a charity and funding does not run to a Helpline that can be manned 24/7.
There is not a member of staff that does nothing and those of us who do write in the forums generally do so in a voluntary capacity.

[Author]

Posts