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Hi Go Blue
What comes through clearest in your posts is that your health is being affected by your mother’s behaviour and that is not acceptable.
It is very likely that your mother is unaware of the extent of the damage she is inflicting on you, even if you are pleading with her until you are blue in the face. The addiction to gamble fills the mind of a person who is addicted, it distorts reality and leaves no room for empathy for those around them. It is only with the right support and treatment that the addiction can be tipped out of the mind leaving space for honest, rational thinking.
I have no crystal ball, I cannot wave a magic wand and make your mother stop gambling and nor can you – but what I hope I can do is open your eyes to the importance of looking after you.
Your mother didn’t ask for or want her addiction any more than you did but the choice to seek help and refuse her addiction in her life lies with her. The choice for you to allow her addiction to affect you, or to refuse it, lies with ‘you’.
You are stronger than your mother’s addiction so don’t fear it. You have logic and rationality which she will lack, so don’t be scared.
Maybe you could tell her where help is to be found. Give her the address and meeting times for a local GA; tell her about a local dedicated gambling addiction counsellor; inform her about our Helpline which is here for her and for you and which is one-to-one and anonymous. We have a terrific forum for people who share your mother’s problem and we have private groups for her – maybe you could ask her what she has to lose by joining such support when she says she wants help. Unfortunately you can only direct your mother to help; you cannot make her take the support offered.
Having told her about the support that is available I suggest you inform her that your health is affected by her behaviour and you will not tolerate her addiction to affect your life anymore. I am not saying that you walk away from you mother but separate yourself from her addiction. If you can’t see how to achieve putting barriers between yourself and her gambling please keep posting here and hopefully join a group where we can communicate in real time.
I know your mother can control her gambling but I suspect she does not know where to begin. ‘You’, however, can begin to retake control of your life today by seeing friends and talking about anything but gambling, enjoy a hobby or interest that has suffered because your mind has been distracted; go for a walk and see nature unfurling with new hope; – in other words regain your health because if you do not your mother’s addiction will have unnecessarily ruined 2 lives. Her addiction is not yours – you do not have to allow it to destroy your life.
Speak soon
VelvetHello Go Blue
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello I Don’t Know and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Collection
An update would be great
VelvetHi Ruzshe
I would never suggest using violence towards a CG – that would not be meaningful support. I was suggesting an intervention with your father, mother and siblings sitting around a table discussing the best way forward and making sure your father understood your determination to protect your mother.
At 50, your mother hopefully will still have a long future. Maybe it would stimulate her to think of where she will be in 5 years if she doesn’t make a stand. Emotional blackmail is terrible but with divorce not an option, annulment not an option, intervention possibly not an option and a willingness to risk a scene in a company not being an option I am not sure what to suggest.
An abusive husband is a bully and maybe legal protection is the answer to a scene in a company which appears, to me, to be the lesser of all the evils – I am not sure why this is considered such a risk when the problem you are facing is so serious.
Maybe you could put me in the picture more fully
Speak soon
VelvetHey Mintchip
It would be great to get an update
VelvetHi Lilyanna
It would be great to get an update and to know whether or not you feel we are supporting as you deserve.
VelvetHi Jackie
Your partner says that therapy and/or talking to someone doesn’t work and I am wondering on what he bases this inaccurate belief? Where has he sought support from?
I am sure I am stating what you already know when I say that is that it is unfair of your partner to ask you to do his worrying for him. It seems to me that he is passing the buck as a way to keep things jogging along without any effort on his part while you do all the work. Sadly, active CGs often see those who love them as soft targets and likely to give in – given time.
Your partner has suggested that he does accept that he has an addiction but I think he is keeping his foot in the door to stop you shutting it completely on his access to money for gambling because although self-exclusion is admirable, he will need more on-going support – after all why try and go it alone when he doesn’t have to do so? He is misinformed if he believes that abstinence alone is recovery. Has there been any change in his behaviour since he self-excluded?
Keep checking your finances; I am sure you are aware that a gambling addiction once triggered can do a lot of damage in a very short time.
Please look after yourself; you are right that screaming and shouting at him will not do either of you any good – looking after you will keep you healthy and able to cope.
Please keep posting
Always listening
VelvetHi Blondie
Unfortunately a gambling addiction gets worse and never better unless it is treated and sadly those who love CGs usually expend a lot of energy doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons – I know because that is what I did.
I think that you are right that your son needs help but at the moment he believes, with all the arrogance of a young active CG, that he can master his gambling.
In my opinion, telling him what you think he should do will fall on deaf ears.
Maybe you could imagine your son’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room, poised and ready to jump when you speak to him about gambling. This beast is the master of threats and manipulation which takes control of the conversation when your son feels his way of life is threatened. Once the beast is triggered, it distorts your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception. Your son will probably use lies and deceit to deflect responsibility because that will be his way of coping at the moment.
In my opinion, it is important to ‘listen to’, rather than ‘talk at’, an active CG because once the addiction beast is triggered it will seek to make you feel less in control. When you begin to say what you think, the addiction has something to get its teeth into. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
The good news is that although your son is controlled by the addiction beast, you are not. Never forget that you are stronger than his addiction, you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead.
I think it is important to keep non-gambling communication open with your son, I think it is good that he knows you are seeking support for yourself – many active CG do not think that those who love them need support.
Where is your son living now and is he working? An active CG can often stay afloat when he has a good well paid job but ultimately his addiction will bring him down.
Perhaps you could download the 20 questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website for him, or give him the address of his local GA, or information about this site which he can access anonymously. We have a Helpline where he can communicate anonymously, one-to-one, with those who understand him and are willing to support him; after all he has nothing to lose as he believes he is fine.
There is a lot of shame involved with this addiction, both in the CG and those who love them – it is unnecessary shame because your son did not ask for, or want his addiction anymore than you did.
I will end this post by repeating that I would not be writing to you now if I did not know that your son can control his addiction and can have a fantastic life as a result. You are at the beginning of a really difficult learning curve but you can do it and so can he.
VelvetHi Ivy
I look forward to an update soon when you have had a chance to talk.
VelvetH Lilo I believe that many people feel guilty when they see another distressed but don’t know how to help them; unfortunately many, like me. end up doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons. I cannot comment on the reason that your boyfriend ended your relationship in February but I do know that many relationships do end as a result of the addiction to gamble.
Please pick your self-esteem up; a relationship with an active CG will always bring difficulties that cannot be put in a pigeon-hole labelled ‘easy’ – but whatever the cause of the breakdown ‘you’ are not to blame for his addiction.
How did your chat go on Tuesday, I hope your boyfriend listened but active CGs do not often hear logic and reason.
Speak soon Velvet
Hello Hawkman and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello Doppie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
It did and I was pleased to see you in it
V
Hi Blondie
I don’t have long tonight as I have just finished my group but I wanted you to know that you have been heard and understood. Unfortunately I am away for a couple of day for a funeral but I hope to give you a longer reply on Friday. In the meantime I offer you the following: – your son can control his addiction; if it were not so I would not be writing to you. He is almost certainly lacking in confidence and self-esteem however much he is telling you that he can handle what he is doing. His behaviour will be irrational but you are wasting your energy being stressed about it. You losing sleep will change nothing but it will cause your health to suffer. His gambling debts are his debts, not yours and paying them off only allows him a clean slate to gamble further.
I have to leave this here but there are a lot of things to say to you – not least of which is how important it is that you look after yourself. Try and put his poor behaviour out of your mind for sometime every day, see friends, enjoy hobbies and live ‘your’ life, believe me it is the best thing that you can do for you and for your son too. I will write again soon.
Velvet
