[velvet]

Hello Michael and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Pocket and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Ck2
In this forum we never suggest that ultimatums have any value unless there is a genuine determination to carry the threat through. Compulsive gamblers are the masters of threats and they soon recognise when a threat is no more than words – a threat not carried through is a green light to a CG, it merely serves to let the CG know that they can probably carry on without consequences.
It would be great if you would start a thread of your own here, a place where you can get support for yourself as well as giving it, our Helpline if terrific, one-to-one and anonymous.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Naysa
I’m afraid that ultimatums do not change compulsive gamblers unless they have reached rock bottom with their addiction and really want to live gamble-free. Your husband probably meant his promise to you when he made it but his addiction proved too powerful and he doesn’t appear to have the courage as yet to take it on and conquer it.
You say that you think you have to leave but is this what you really want to do? I would never suggest that you stay or leave; such a decision must be yours but good decisions are best made with knowledge and knowledge of your husband’s addiction is here for you.
You didn’t do anything wrong, you are not to blame for your husband’s addiction and nor is he – he doesn’t want to hurt you but at some time he placed a bet and addiction was the consequence of that bet – he could not have foreseen the misery his betting would cause until it was too late by which time he has caused untold damage with his poor behaviour.
There is support for your husband but he has to want it. I can’t tell you what to do but in my opinion it would be good to tell your husband that you have sought help for you because you want to support him in the right way. Maybe you could download the 20-questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and leave them for him to find – I don’t suggest you hand them to him as it would probably end up with a senseless row in which he would seek to blame you.
I am not surprised you felt like you were falling apart; it is sadly too easy for the addiction to gamble to bring those who love the CG down to terrible depths. When we are crushed and confused we cannot cope which is why It is so important that you care for yourself by keeping up with friends, family, hobbies, and interests, anything that distract you from your husband’s addiction and give your mind breathing space and energy to re-find the fun loving girl you were because she is still there.
Please keep posting, you did well writing this first post which couldn’t have been easy to write. I hope it will help you to know that I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that your husband can control his addiction and be the man you know him to be.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Smallkid and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Naysa

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Shivani

Emotionally supporting a CG often leaves the supporter drained and emotionally unable to cope, which is why I cannot stress strongly enough the need for you to look after yourself mentally and physically. If you become unable to cope because of worrying about things you cannot change, then you will not be able to help anybody so putting your own needs first is important. Take time every day to engage in hobbies, interests, friends, family, things that do not include gambling thoughts of any kind.

Your son does not want to hurt you but he is controlled by an addiction that he has not come to grips with yet. He gave you an overview when he completed the GM programme but maybe he possibly wasn’t able to help you understand because he hadn’t fully engaged with the project himself and he wasn’t ready. The good news is that he will have learned about the tools for recovery in the programme and some of that information will stick in his mind, even if he hasn’t picked the tools up yet.

I completely understand your fear of failing him and I offer you this – listen to him rather than waste time trying to tell him what he needs to do because in his mind, your needs are not necessarily his. By listening you will gain his trust. I spent 25 years telling my son what he should do to be happy but he wasn’t ready to listen to me and he rightly believed that I didn’t understand him – he therefore didn’t trust the support I offered. When he had been on the GMA programme I was so afraid of messing up that I couldn’t speak and he then knew I was listening. I asked him to help me understand so that I didn’t fail him – this he did and we turned our relationship to one of trust and understanding.

I don’t think you can keep your son busy – taking responsibility for his actions now is probably best left to him. He will have learned more about how to handle his recovery this week and hopefully been more receptive to the support he has been offered – he has admitted to you that he has a problem which suggests he accepts he has to tackle that problem. It is so hard being on the sidelines but true recoveries do start and I think it would be good to wait and see how he is on his return this time. Enjoy his return with a smile rather than a question. Imagine doing something wrong and then realising you have made a terrible mistake but nobody smiles when you want to make amends, they only seem to want to talk about the mistake – it’s enough to crush a vulnerable spirit.

I would be amazed if you had not had many moments of anger and thoughts that you cannot go through this again but if your son is trying to control his addiction then I believe you have an opportunity for a new beginning.

I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours but if it was me I would avoid questioning him about his gambling at the moment because it seems he has accepted he has lost control and he therefore doesn’t need reminding what a mess he is in. Your son will be lacking self-confidence and self-esteem due to his addiction; he will have felt failure over and over so positive support is best, even if you don’t feel positive.

I don’t know what he will have heard this week but I do know it will involve reminding him of the tools he has to change his life and positive advice on how to use those tools.

I am sure that you are aware that it is important that he takes responsibility for his behaviour and that clearing his debts is enabling his addiction. Giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. In my opinion it is best to allow him to talk through what he hopes to do to make the necessary difference to his life. He has admitted his relapse to you, so try and support his positive thoughts towards making amends without offering to bail him out.

I have brought my thread entitled ‘the F&F’ cycle which hopefully will give you some insight. 

I’m going to leave this here Shivani or I will be rambling for hours. If there is anything you don’t understand or disagree with please come back to me – I never mind criticism, I only want what is best for you and your son.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shivani
well done starting your thread. I will reply to you tomorrow
Please sleep well tonight, worrying will not help you or him.
You will get through this

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Shivani

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Peanut
I think, in view of your worry, you could call his friend and ask him to check on your CG. If he is ok then you have lost nothing and if he is in need of help then you have made someone else aware who can possibly help.
Many CGs talk in a similar vein when things are not going well but please don’t make yourself ill worrying when your concern could be unnecessary.
Please update soon, thinking about you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Tosca
I think what you are saying is that your son continues to gamble regardless of anything you have said or done and that the situation appears more hopeless. If so, I want to support you better, so please tell me why you think you have nothing to say about helping yourself.
Last time we ‘spoke’ your son was heading for America, did he go, and if so what happened? Is he living with you now? Have you seen any changes at all in your son’s behaviour – good or bad?
I really believe Tosca that sharing helps; there are little light bulb moments along the way when things make sense that didn’t make any sense before and you become aware of how to do things differently.
I know you struggle with thinking that ‘speaking’ here feels disloyal but this is anonymous and you are safe – it is somewhere you can say what’s really troubling you without fear or judgement. If I misunderstand, you can always correct me.
Hoping to hear
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Nick and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Blue
It seems to me that your dad knows that his wife has a problem and possibly either knows, or has guessed, what the problem is. It sounds as though he has his eyes open but could possibly do with support. I suspect he has been hoping the problem will go away but now is recognising that matters are out of control.
In my opinion he is right to protect his finances as your mother is capable of taking him all the way down with her.
I think that you and your dad presenting a united front could be the best way forward provided he has the knowledge you have gained and realises that his wife is not being malicious but needs support and treatment. I think you are a great daughter and he might be very pleased that you have sought help.
I am concerned that you say that there is a likelihood of inheritance money becoming available and I suggest that you take the necessary measures to protect it as soon as possible because sadly your mother could lose it all very quickly.
Keep posting, you are doing well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sharynh

It seems to me that you are unnecessarily punishing yourself for an action in 2015 when you were actively gambling but gambling now will not change that.

I am not a gambler but I lost irreplaceable things to the addiction of someone I love, however, his gamble-free life is far more precious than anything I lost. If it was possible for your aunt to understand you and your addiction I would like to think that she would feel this way to but I concede that she possibly would not.

Your aunt is coming to see her brother at a terrible time and hopefully will not be thinking of a piece of jewellery but whether she wants to see it or not, consider this – what purpose do you think that you starting to gamble again will serve apart from causing you pain and misery?

I don’t have a crystal ball so I cannot know what the outcome of your aunt’s visit will be but I do know that you and your life are important. Put yourself first, control your gambling today, you have already proved to yourself that you can do it. Use this site, its forum and its groups to support you through this time, contact our Helpline if you want to communicate one-to-one. You are understood here and there is no judgement.

Velvet

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