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What comes through from your post is that you are happy with life right now. That’s great and I hope it continues for a long, long time. Enjoy your hols!
You know you need to close down that gambling account, you need to limit your access to money to just pay the bills and buy essentials – if possible you need to get someone else to handle your finances for you. Whilst you make it easy to gamble you will.
Willpower is not enough. Writing about what we are going to do to stop is not enough. What needs to happen is cutting off our access to gambling, our access to money to gamble and as much as possible, our access to time to gamble – and then getting lots and lots of support. Speak to people here on a one-to-one if you need to, or get in touch with a help-line near to where you live. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but I think you need to work it.
PS – I hope the “now gamble” was a typo and you really meant “not gamble.” Or was that a freudian slip? Keep strong – don’t gamble – focus on a gamble free day today and get the support you need.
You have a really good insight into your addiction and good knowledge of how to tackle it. Yet it is still hard not to be pulled back into that familiar place.
Keep strong, keep posting, talk to people if you need to. If there is no-one around talk to your horse! Why not , it is not anymore crazy than gambling! Day 15 is great – 16 will be fantastic!
Hi Chloe and thanks for your post. It sounds like you have stopped self-harming in one way, but are now self-harming by plunging yourself into debt – debt which if you don’t deal with will put you into a more desperate situation.
The practical steps you need to take are to ban yourself from places where you can gamble. There is information on this site as to how to do that – or search for GamStop on the internet. Secondly you need to talk to people close to you about what is going on. It would be good to let someone else handle your finances for you whilst you are in your early days of stopping, because it will be hard if you are tempted and have access to money.
You said you had counselling and stopped this because you couldn’t go through it all again? The question mark was yours, as if you were unsure about it. I would suggest that you go back and try to get help – your GP maybe able to help or GamCare has a list of counsellors specialising in gambling addiction and you may be eligible for free help. Support is crucial if you are not to transfer back into self-harming once the gambling addiction is being dealt with. I’m sure you know what I mean.
You are still young and although it all seems a lot to deal with at the moment – it CAN all be dealt with as long as you are open and get help from people around you. Take care of yourself.
Hi Blackjack – you wrote: “So basically I finally realized it didnt matter what I won it was never enough and I always chased the money. ”
How long it takes for us to find that out. I think I knew within a year or two of gambling that it was the case for me – and yet I continued gamble for another twenty years.
I sometimes wonder if it is about money at all. You wrote that you lost 83K in savings you had stashed away. What were you planning to do with the money?
I think if I had been asked in the midst of my gambling, what I would do with the big win, I would be hard pushed to answer. I would probably mutter something vague about a bigger house or nicer car, but the truth was – I didn’t really have any other interests except gambling and finding ways to make money so I could gamble more.
I did a lot of soul searching into “what is the life that I really want” and then I had to do a lot more work to overcome the feeling (illogical but there) that I deserved that life. And you know what? That life doesn’t cost that much. I could have had it much earlier by concentrating on making it happen instead of the buzz of gambling.
So don’t focus on the money, don’t focus on trying to get it back – it is gone. You will need to address your debts – get good financial advice, but also get help on making a better gamble free life for yourself. Find support groups, research the internet, see if you can get free counselling or life planning in your area. Keep posting here and maybe try out the group sessions to talk to other recoverers in real time. I wish you well.
Sometimes I wish there were little “like” notes on this forum – as they have on facebook. I loved this post. Keep them coming!
I know it feels like it is all about the money … but the amounts are not real. Money was not real to me when I was gambling it was just a means to getting the hit. If I had had more money then it would probably meant I would have taken longer to look for help.
Looking back – I am most pissed about the time I wasted. Not just watching a wheel go around or fruits spinning, but the time I then had to spend earning enough to keep going, the time I had to spend making deals, sorting out credit arrangements. At one point I was working 6 jobs just to keep ahead of the debt repayments!
Now I am walking in Donegal in Ireland – and my decision in the morning is whether to go East into the mountains or West onto the coast. No more flashing lights for me.
Now I am realising my gambling free dream – yours may well be a different one, but it is there available to you once you start on your recovery.
Ban yourself from where you gamble, try and limit your access to money and keep yourself busy away from temptation – and get help. I hope the clinic comes through soon. I wish you well.
And good to see you in group too. I hope your GA meeting goes well. It is the start of a journey which will have a lot of ups and downs (as you can probably see by reading other people’s posts) but it is a journey with a really good destination – being gambling free.
I certainly didn’t find it easy and it took me several years of trying to stop before I stopped stopped, (if you see what I mean!) but I was persistent – and lets face it, that is one thing we all know about here – how to be persistent in our gambling. Well we can take that and be as tenacious in our recovery as well.
Anyways enough of the long words – keep posting, looking forward to how tomorrow goes and the next step towards your gamble free future. All the best.
That’s great that you have gone 4 weeks and great that you are getting some professional help.
I am guessing that you have had a look around the site and know what practical steps you should take – i.e – banning yourself from places where you gamble, not keeping your own finances as far as possible and trying to pick up non-gambling activities to keep you busy.
Other than that – lots of support, both from friends and family, professionals (which you are doing) and support groups such as GA and … well here on the forums – and groups to where you can “talk” in real time. It would be good to see you there!
And good to hear that you are getting so much support – especially as you had so much difficulty at first.
As regards your husband – all you can do is look after yourself. It is still early days and I guess once he has seen the change in you then he will come round. I wish you well!
Not seen or heard from you in a while. Hoping that things are okay! Give us a shout here when you can.
Thinking of you!
Knowing that the urges are an inevitable part of recovery – especially in the early days – and that they will pass helps. I suggested to CMC that one option might be to retrain the brain, so that when an urge comes up we always do something else enjoyable – but make it the same thing each time, so that the brain begins to equate the urge with the new thing – be it being in nature, watching a film, eating popcorn … whatever.
I’ve never tried this – but someone ought to and report back. Good to see that you saw the urge out. Strangely, I tend to dream of things and then the opposite happens – so if I had dreamt of being in a casino, then it would mean I would never again go in one. I’ve not had that dream yet. Keep strong!
I like the way you did that. I wouldn’t have thought of taking off the cvc so that you can’t use the card on-line.
I always say that I must remember to put my “needs” before my “wants” – not that I always manage that – it is easy for my head to poo poo that. I wish I had more willpower ….
Congrats on your 9 days.
I did think, “wow, Monica did well to sell a ticket for a play that is halfway through.” But then I realized people could use it on another day.
I also thought that you were away by now. Whenever you go enjoy the trip!!