[Dark Energy]

Day#1
I was about to start a new thread but I thought again and it is better to continue posing on this thread. no need to run away from my past I should learn from it keep it to remind myself of all these failed recovery trials.

today is a new day free of gambling, and I am thankful for that, no big dreams this time, no big hopes of recovery, no big plans for the future, I need to keep it simple, just one day at a time and everything will be better. just I should not gamble.

[Dark Energy]

Hi IDidIt,
yes, I was feeling very low on that day, I hope that kind of days will be fewer in the future.
At this stage, I am so fragile the slightest thing can put me down. but things are getting better. last week got an unexpected salary increment and I am focusing more on work and GYM.
anyhow I know everything will get better in the future if I stayed away from gambling.

I like your idea of focusing on the process, not the goal. it makes sense.

to be honest. I was about to relapse, it was just a matter of time.
2 days ago I have re-activated my trading account the plan was to buy some crypto futures which is an ok thing to do if it is done without leverage. but it always starts with good intentions.
opening an account to buy some crypto coins without leverage, and it always ends with margin trading and futures trading with high leverage. then everything will spiral out of control to a degree where I was about to sell my car 3 times in the past 4 months to be able to trade more or to cover my expenses for the rest of the month. “thankfully I still have the Car”.

After reading your post and watching the video I have blocked my accounts again, your post and Charles’s post and going back to reading my old record woke me up. I know how this vicious cycle starts. If I started it again I will get the same result so NO I AM NOT GONNA DO IT THIS TIME.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Charles,
you are absolutely right, I have to inform someone about my addiction and give him\her control over my finances.

I have to do this step everything else is just a temporary fix for a permanent problem.

[Dark Energy]

the next Tuesday is my payday, the urges started from yesterday, this month I will have a quite good extra amount considering all my monthly payments and expenses.
it is a real test for my recovery I need to be prepared. if I fail it is back to square zero if I survive it is a step toward a better future.

[Dark Energy]

feeling better compared to the day I wrote the above post.
anyhow it is a long way but I have to walk on it step by step,
hey future me! don’t rush your recovery, everything will get better, keep “not gambling” as your compass and you will reach a better place.

[Dark Energy]

generally, I am optimistic, but on some days like today, I am feeling so sad and depressed. I just need to sleep and let this day pass hoping tomorrow will be better.

I always was a competitive person, I was very successful at school and at work but this addiction put me years behind everyone. and I am in my mid-thirties and still not married, don’t have kids, this aspect causes me to try to rush things up, and rushing up didn’t work for the last 3 years. it has to be a slow and stable recovery.

I always had these big ambitions: a better job, owning my own business…etc but I am feeling I have to admit that these are the cards that are in my hand now, and this is what life gave me. I have to play it as it is. it is not the best hand that I wish to have for this short life. but this is what I got, I have to play and I have to enjoy the game as well. even if I know that it is a losing game. I have to reduce my ambitions to make it look like a win.

it is f**** depressing to look at it from my perspective as an atheist, I got this short life to live and then I will vanish forever as if this is not hard enough to deal with… I have added to the mix this f**** addiction!!!
as I can see I am losing the game of life, the bar is getting lower and lower, and I am getting older, and it looks like I am walking in my place.

I have to stop cursing the game and try to enjoy it using the few cards that I got.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Dark Energy.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Hi,
great that you have informed your family this will really help you in your recovery, what really catches me is the debt amount, I have as well mounted a huge amount of debt and paid it all. unfortunately, I have relapsed and mounted debts again not to the same level but still, it is a big amount.
from my experience and what I learned is that don’t rush to pay all your debt, you should pay it slowly

your income should go to
1. part for paying the debt
2. part for saving and this is the most important part you should learn to protect your money from yourself if you paid your debt without learning how to protect your money, then if you relapse you will pile up debt again like what I did.
3. part of it to your life goals, you can’t keep everything on hold until you pay all your debts.

one more point you shouldn’t ask your family to pay your debt because you need to master point number 2 first.

[Dark Energy]

happy for you, keep it up.

[Dark Energy]

today is one the positive days:
1. back to GYM again: it has been 125+ days since the last time I was in GYM, starting over is a step in the correct way.
2. i had an urge to gambling, it came after reviewing my financial condition and as a freshly recovered gambler i am in a deep hole, so the first thought that came to my mind is I have to put a small amount and try to win something to be in a better condition, the same cycle of ill thinking, however I reasoned my way out of this cycle for today glad for that.

[Dark Energy]

thank you Ididit for your kind words, glad to hear from you,
I hope everything is going well.

thanks for the advice I will try therapy and meditation, but to be honest I think I know what needs to be done.
I think it is time to inform someone about my addiction and give him\her financial control.
I have avoided this option for a long time because of the shame and the sadness that will bring to my loved ones but I think I have to do it if I need to stay away from gambling, I can’t do it alone.

now I am thinking in “to whom” and “how-to “?

[Dark Energy]

Day#16,
today is my payday, it went well “so far”, I had a few urges to put some amount to trading but I managed to control them, the road blockers are in place if my willpower let me down as usual.

[Dark Energy]

Day#15
2 weeks passed, the gambling hangover is fading.
back to life to real life again.

[Dark Energy]

Day#11,
things getting better but it is a very slow process.
anyhow better than keep digging.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10
two digits again, a bit motivated today because I see my weight loss plan is working fine and I start to notice the results, anyhow I need to stay on plan for the next 11 weeks to achieve the first goal.
at least something is back to be on track.

[Dark Energy]

Day#9,
I know there is no fast fix. and I know I have many many things that need to be fixed to live a normal life. but at least I have to be motivated and full of hopes but I am not. I am far away from that state of mind.
today is really tough I am having terrible feelings that are not going away, my voice sounds like a defeated person’s voice, I feel the need to cray but I am not able to do so, I just need to reach home and sleep and I hope tomorrow will be better.

does anyone tried medications?
I watched this youtube video and I have started to think I should visit a psychiatrist and see what he can give me to help me in this recovery.

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