[Dark Energy]

Day#4,
well, yesterday was a tough day mentally, I was so depressed, just I lay on my bed and watch a video after video about addiction. read some articles as well about addiction and recovery, until I calmed down after 8 or 9 hrs.

Of the many videos that I watched yesterday a video about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) draws my attention below is a link describing it

this is very informative if you know nothing about it google it or watch the Video it is good to be aware of it.

[Dark Energy]

damn, I need this F day to end, I am feeling down, how did I dig this deep hole. how this addiction pulls me back to it time and time again.
I have been here many times, full of hopes and motivation to start over but damn I can’t see any light in this tunnel this time, and how many days this recovery will last? a week? a month? then I will forget all this pain and back to gambling!!
I am terrified today I had some thoughts about trading !!! I have relapsed 2 days ago!! and all the pain is still fresh in my mind, and I got these thoughts about trading this is too f early !! what will happen after a few weeks??

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Jcp,
As losingitslowly mentioned. reading your post it was like I had wrote it myself.
I can’t really give you an advise because i am like you still struggling. But you are not alone and many in this forum achived it. And we should keep trying.

[Dark Energy]

Day#3.
Depressed to the max. Really in a very bad mood. The hopes that conmes with trading “gambling” are gone. and i am back to my real life trying to close every hole in this sinking ship and there are alot of holes.
It is my only life and i refuse to looset to this addiction. When i will go i need to be broued that i have tried my best what passed is passed and i can’t do any thing to change it what is important ia now and the future.
I need just a normal f life no big hopes or dreams but it seems even living a normal life is a big goal to achieve.

[Dark Energy]

Day#2,
after a lot of thinking I have applied an additional road blocker that I think it will make a huge difference,
for the last 8 months what facilitate my relapse was the P2P option in the broker account, I just need to do an instant wire transfer and the cryptocurrency will be in my account within 5 min, in forex I manage to control it by scratching all the cards to prevent the online deposit and it works for crypto as well until I figured out this P2P option.
I have 4 accounts in different banks, two banks of them are very slow to add beneficiaries, and the wire transfer it will take 24hr so this will not be visible for P2P transactions. I am going to close one of the other two, and I have changed the password for the last account so I will be able only to withdraw money at the branch “I can’t close it because I have a loan with them”.
now I have a really good gap between me and access to the online broker.

I am really happy about this new roadblock and I wonder why I didn’t think about it before. I could have saved a lot of money and time that has been wasted on this addiction.

I know it is not a final solution but it is a good step ahead.

[Dark Energy]

Day#1 again.
it is a small slip that didn’t impact me much but it is a slip. and I need to be honest with myself so it is day#1 again.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10
2 digits again

[Dark Energy]

Day#9.
payday passed safely. focused at work today I will start going to GYM again.
overall in good mood.

[Dark Energy]

hi,
there is always hope, life is so precious, refuse to be defeated and keep trying to recover till the last day of your life regardless of how many times you relapsed and how bad is your life. because I know something for sure is the count of your gambling days is going up your life will get better and better.

in regards to GOD, to be honest I am an atheist so there is no one up there controlling me or supporting me, or punishing me in life or after. I am on my own and this is librating me, what I am doing is my own responsibility, my recovery is my own responsibility. don’t wait for a magic solution you are on your own and you should get as much real support as you can from friends, family GA ..etc. I am not asking you to be an atheist just I am telling you the problem is not up in the sky it is down in you and you have to sort it out.

stay away from investing or trading it is gambling in fact this is what I am addicted to.

I hope you all the best, keep posting and work on your recovery every day, every day free of gambling is a day toward a better future.

[Dark Energy]

Day#6
tomorrow is payday, the demons start popping up in my mind, and my mood completely changed today, I was motivated to work and focused on recovery, and today I was distracted thinking about trade ideas and how I could put some amount tomorrow to trade “gamble”.
my roadblocks should save me tomorrow.

[Dark Energy]

Day#5,
one more day in recovery,

[Dark Energy]

Day#4,
it was one of the good days, I was completely focused at work, my mood is good, and motivated.

Hi Kin,
I am thinking about your post, and to say it moderately I didn’t get it and it sounds religious to me and I really have an issue with these religious-based views. yes, I love money, I love attention, and that makes me a normal human being who likes to be financially independent, who like to progress in life and achieve his best in life and I don’t see any issue with that.
the problem is the way that I chose to achieve that, I have tried to do it through day trading, and that progresses to a gambling-like behavior.

the fact having extra money on hand is a trigger to me as to many others who are addicted to gambling. and this is what I have mentioned about payday being a trigger to me.

[Dark Energy]

congratulations G Rec, I see you crossed the one-year mark, you are doing really well, keep it up.

[Dark Energy]

hi Jvr3419, thanks for the blunt answer which is the right answer, I shouldn’t hide it, but I have to overcome this addiction first and once it is part of my past and I am in peace with that past then I will be ready for that move.

DAY#3, one day at a time, my payday is close which is a huge trigger to relapse, but I am prepared for that.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Jvr3419,
thank you for your encouraging words, and I guess yes I am a bit late in many life aspects but I hope eventually I will catch up.
the loneliness is a very sad part but I can’t bring anyone to this mess.
and the question is to hide it in the beginning then break it down slowly ?? because who needs to get engaged with a gambling addict!!.

a supportive partner is very helpful in recovery, especially for the part of controlling the access to money, but this is fine for those who become addicted after years of happy marriage, but for me how I will bring someone into this mess, Who will accept to marry a gambling addict!.
then the second questing will be : Is it good to hide my addiction until I get marride, then break it down to her slowly. this was the plan 3 months ago I was in relation and I was about to propose to her but I have entered to gambling cycle that kept my mind busy and away from everyone, I was barely working, and I was not speaking to her and I didn’t respond to her calls because I was really down and that ruined everything. we have ended it before we start.

anyhow I watched one SMART recovery video, the therapist was asking his patient what are your priorities in life, their answers were something like a family, work, …etc but no one put recovering from addiction as one of his priorities, he mentioned that recovering from addiction should be the first priority because addiction will ruin everything and you will not be able to achieve any of your goals or live a happy life.
and he is damn right, in each cycle of relapse all my plans will be F up, I will start eating a lot of junk food with no exercise, in each relapse cycle that will continue 2 to 3 weeks I end up gaining 4 to 5 kg, my focus of work goes to 5% I bearly was able to work on the very very urgent things, my social life is down to zero, even speaking to my family will be like once a week instead of daily. everything will be F up once the cycle starts.
and I guess this should be my focus, no big goals or hopes, just one goal being free of gambling and then everything will be better.
today is Day#2 and I hope this count will continue to 1000 days, I guess such a period is what I need to catch up in life, and if I relapsed after that: I am ok, I can accept it. by then will have a good support system that will prevent a relapse from destroying my life.

[Author]

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