[Callmecrazy]

You don’t want to be on day 1 again, this time around with more debt. Don’t throw your hard work away.

[Callmecrazy]

As I expected, urges are starting to hit. They come in the form of financial insecurities about the future and money worries. That’s when my mind starts to panick and starts to think how 20 can’t hurt but could certainly help. And how this time everything will be different. I expect them to peak tomorrow. Just as I’m about to give in, I will be feeling an irresistable sweetness in my mouth followed by a severe fall into dark thoughts and depression because I will be unable to gamble. Learning to handle that fall is my ticket out of the hell hole called gambling. As much as I dread the urges , I welcome them.

I need to review a few things for myself before tomorrow:
– 20 will not be enough.
– Because you know you must stop you won’t be able to, hence you will lose lots of money which you don’t have.
– guilt and gambling are intertwined, because you feel guilty about gambling, you won’t be able to let go of gambling.
– you’re not the only person with money issues, there are tons of non-gamblers with money issues.
– help yourself and God will help you in the long run.
– everything is going to be okay.
– go do something to occupy your mind
– shut yourself down for sleep
– one more day and you’re on day 15

[Callmecrazy]

No one can handle the reward, the dopamine rush and the adrenaline. I doesn’t only apply to CGs. This is one big, fat LIE and it keeps us stuck in our cycles. We think to ourselves if only we were “normal” gamblers, we could continue playing. If only we withdrew the money like normal gamblers, we could keep our win/lose ratio down and continue on. The fact of the matter is, we are the majority not the minority. I’ve never heard of anyone gambling 4-5 years on a responsible level. You either don’t gamble or are a compulsive gambler.

[Callmecrazy]

My life is still a mess but there are some good points about me that, infact, even gambling has thought me:
– I have empathy for all sorts of living beings
– I don’t take life too seriously
– I know whatever mess you’ve gotten yourself into you (everyone) has the ability to laugh at it one day
– money is the least important thing in life
– telling a friend you don’t have your shit together isn’t that bad, it’s liberating
– I hardly care about what some asshole CEO thinks of me
– I stay away from rigid, strict indivudals
– I can add and subtract and speak foreign languages so suck it
– I can take care of, train and work with a 1000 pound animal, can you?
– I’ve been to hell and back, have you?

[Callmecrazy]

Day 12 is going well. I’m pretty busy taking care of my horse. My day starts at 8 am when I leave for work and am not back home until 8 pm. I have had thoughts of gambling but no real urges. I know they’re going to hit me this weekend, but who cares? Let them. The toxins need to leave my body. That’s what urges are, toxins leaving the body.

I’ve been watching some documenaries on drug addiction (misery loves company) and when I see the withdrawals drug addicts go through, it makes me think I have it easy. I feel grateful gambling is my poison.

As for my debts, yes, they are a huge issue but all I can do for now is watch my spending (I don’t buy anything but the absolutely necessary) and hope for the best.

[Callmecrazy]

Winning at a casino then losing all the won money back are some of the worst emotions a person can go through. Omg, the desperation, the replaying in the mind, the wishing you could turn back time! It’s a bottomless pit of despair. I once won enough money to pay back two of my bank loans. I even made it through withdrawal and had the money in my bank account. It was Friday afternoon and I directed all the winnings to go to paying off my bank loans BUT because it was Friday afternoon I got a message from my bank telling me the payment could not go through until Monday. By Monday I had lost it all! I played as small as 0,09 bets and still managed to lose the whole lot plus another bank loan all chasing my initial win. Casino money is the devil’s money. It will steal your soul and destroy your life. The only answer is to stay away altogether.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 11 going rather well. Looking forward to 15, then 30. I know the weekend will be tough but I’m ready for it. Mentally and physically (barriers are up). Give me the best you’ve got!

[Callmecrazy]

Slots aren’t going to go anywhere. There is no rush. Postponing our next bet is one of the most effective weapons available to us. I’m giving myself time. 6 months. Then I’ll reassess how I feel about gambling.
Stay strong!

[Callmecrazy]

Nothing much happened today. I got through 8 boring hours of work then went to take care of my horse. I’m starting to enjoy my love for the animals more and more. The old feelings of happiness by just being in their company are coming back to me. Of course, money worries are still present but are in the back of my head for now.

I make it a point to journal here every day even if I have nothing beneficial to add because with us humans, the more we invest into something the less likely we are going to be willing to let that go.

[Callmecrazy]

I had some hard moments this Saturday. One was a moment of deep dark pain and depression, thinking and feeling life was plain worthless without gambling. I got through it by focusing on something else (cooking lunch) and sleeping it off. The truth is slots, or any other form of gambling for the matter, is not going to run away. If anything, it’s only going to get better, the machines are going to sing more, buzz more… I’m saying this because it’s a valuable thought to have when the going gets though. We don’t have to think in terms of forever which only adds to the stress and the feelings of down. We can set a goal : 6 months and then we’ll reassess how we feel about gambling. By then, things can and will change in our lives. We may come to enjoy the extra money in our accounts, the absence of post-gambling stress, perhaps a new job, a new hobby, a new partner… it could be anything. Or we may not even have a strong desire to gamble anymore. The imperative is that we stop with the gambling right now. Take a break. At the state we’re in we’re neither able to win anything nor truly enjoy the activity.
By no means am I advocating CGs can or should ever gamble, I’m saying setting small goals can get us far. It’s one day at a time.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you Nick for your support, I appreciate it very much.
As of today I’m 9 days GF.
In addition to being 9 days GF, I found the strenght to put up another barrier. A week ago I had declared my Mastercard missing and a new one arrived friday. Without openning the envelope I called my friend to meet me sunday and asked her to activate the card for me and with a knife scratch off the three CVC numbers on the back of the card needed for Internet payments which she did. Now I’m able to use my MC for every day expenses (survival) but am unable to use it for online transactions.
Today passed rather quickly without too many thoughts of gambling. I’m not yet overly excited about leading a gambling free life, I’m doing this because I need to stop. It’s no longer an option for me.

[Callmecrazy]

Making plans for today. The past week I’ve been tending to my horses and will do this today. Every moment I spend with them are moments without an urge to gamble. I feel mornings to be much harder on me than evenings. I wake up tired and experience thoughts of gambling until I get myself going. Whereas evenings are the end of the day, I can easily shut myself down, watch something and go to sleep.

I’m determined to get the gambling bug out of my system and if I still want to gamble, say, 6 months from now, so be it. At least I know it’s me making the decision, not the disease.

Today is day 8 and I will not gamble today.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m not the type to believe in responsible gambling. There is no such thing. It’s a myth the gambling industry tells itself to feel better about itself. You don’t take heroin responsibly. You either do it or don’t. Gambling is the same.

What is wrong with you? You’re an addict and you are prey. As long as you hold belief there is a slight chance of you coming out of using gambling with winnings in your pockets you are going to continue to be prey. Winnings stimulate award centers in our brain, give us the illusion that we can get our lives to a more comfortable place financially, make life more easier. Who can resist this? No one can and neither can you. You shouln’t beat yourself up for being human. Instead, focus your energy on tearing down the illusion because no one has ever walked into a casino and walked out a rich man.

The only way out is by stopping gambling altogether.

[Callmecrazy]

Game of thrones season 8 starts in less than a month! Yaay! There is so much to look forward to April and May so hang on in there! You’ll enjoy it so much more if you’re not under the stress of loosing money to online casinos. And you will lose. Don’t delude your self into thinking the outcome would be any different.

[Callmecrazy]

We made it a whole week, great job!! I hade a huge urge today, the biggest one so far. I was almost half way to depositing but then stopped myself. For half an hour I was thinking how life is pointless without gambling but then I decided to cook a meal and focused on that. Aftetwards I took a nap, woke up feeling different. The bottom line is, I’ve trained my brain into gambling and I need to retrain it. There is no way out of this self – destructing addiction without experiencing and overcoming some very bad moments. If, after I reteach my brain of different routines and patterns it still wants to self – destruct, so be it. At least I know I fought the fight, gave it my all.

On to a gamble free day 8 and hopefully a whole new week.

[Author]

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