[Callmecrazy]

Kin, you’re right. This addiction is exactly like a tiger in hiding. I have no idea how it caught me. I don’t remember having gambling urges I had to fight. One day I just came home, took my phone and started spinning. My spin was a win, that’s how I got caught! Had I not won, maybe I would have thought twice about what I was doing. All winnings are only an illusion. We don’t ever win. I went through all my winnings, plus my small savings, plus racked up credit card debt.

Velvet, we have an anti bullying policy but it’s worth only the paper it’s written on. In reality, if you complain, you become the troublemaker and someone to get rid of. The bullying certainly contributed to my gambling. I felt the escape. I have since settled the score between my bully and I. First, I asked through a connection I had, to be relocated to another position within my company. Second, I wrote the bully a polite expertise opinion about the project he was micromanaging me to do and why it was causing financial hurt to the company and the managers above him. He was mad as hell because of me writing this but he couldn’t ignore it. I was only looking out for the company’s best interest.  Since then he has been polite and has left me alone. Today I got news that I will be relocated by May, probably to a lower position, which means less pay but I’d rather accept that than handle a bully and be responsible for projects that are shaddy, faulty and biased. It’s a major setback in my career which doesn’t make me happy.

Today, I went to a bank to ask for a loan. I have always despised this part of my gambling but it needs to be done as I have 2500 euro gambling debt due to my credit card by the end of this month. Asking for loans makes me so ashamed and frightened my secret would come out, I have kept my credit score perfect through out all my compulsive gambling life! I have never been a day late on paying any debt.  You’d never think there is a compulsive gambler hiding behind such perfection.  But that’s exactly what we are capable of!  Anything to hide THE SECRET and the shame. I could have any loan I want. Lucky for me, for some reason, being found out by the bank is my worst nightmare, so I refused all offers but the essential I needed to cover my bills. On the ride home, I contemplated loaning more or trying a few spins before I use it to pay off my credit card debt which shows the monster is VERY MUCH ALIVE inside me right now.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m not sure if this may help, but if any of us here had won 400.000 $ in a casino we would have gambled it all back and probably gone crazy along the way. So in a way you’re not alone. Figures are only figures, the money was never ours in the first place. There is nothing more rewarding than an honest wage for an honest’s day work. I’ve come to realize that living comfortable, yet modest is the only way a person can truly live happily. Everything else brings greed, obsession and the urge to want more. If you were to get back your 400.000 $ tomorrow, I guarantee you wouldn’t stop there. You would become further obsessed wanting more. So, I say, ***** your blessings, let it go and start living a happy life. All of us here have the opportunity to do so.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi. I recommend taking all your credit cards and scratching off the CVC numbers. You can still use the cards but can’t use them online. If you know the numbers by heart, apply for new ones, tell the bank you lost them and then scratch without looking. Self exclude to old sites.

Also, what helped me is developing a hobby that in a way is similar to gambling but is not gambling. Walking, running, playing tennis is great but you also need something similar to gambling. For example, I gamble to relax, escape and get a thrill. I do it on my Android phone, mostly lying down in a relaxed position. I’ve substituted this with watching true crime documentaries on youtube. My body position is the same as it would be while gambling, the context is thrilling, yet it is not gambling. It’s similar, but safe.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for your reply.

I used to be a member of this board, I forgot my username. It helped me tremendously. I used to read and write and relapse and read and write and relapse. I repeated the cycle all the time or rather as many times as I needed to until it finally hit me: “If you’re always going to do what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you always got”. And I did it, I don’t even know how. Scratching the CVC numbers off my cards really helped, as I couldn’t give them away and needed them to survive the first few months (I recommend this to anyone in a similar situation). As I moved away from gambling, I moved away from this forum as well. Funny thing is, the last thing I remember before my relapse and binge is looking at gambling billboards (they are all over town now)and thinking how they’re not affecting me at all. But, now I’m here.

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