[aries22]

I have hit many "rock bottoms". I wiped out my paychecks the the day I got paid. I wiped out credit cards after they were almost paid off. I was almost debt free, actually. Then I decided to apply for a loan and got denied because I work for tips and my income wasn’t verifiable or stable. My credit score went from 740 to 590 in a month from trying to get credit from so many places. My solution was to "win" the money because I couldn’t get the money loaned to me from banks. –And that’s how I’ve lost control. Instead of winning money, I’m losing money, money that I needed and didn’t have.
Last year in September (2011), I checked myself out of a local casino after losing my last $300 there. That week, I probably lost $2,000+. Checking myself out was the only way of keeping me away. And now, I am stuck in card rooms. January alone, I have lost about $10,000 alone, in a card room from tax returns and retirement loans. Yes, I took out money from retirement to gamble because as I have stated, the banks were denying me when I was good. And now I’m the lowest of the low. I said I wouldn’t go back, but I keep going back. Last night, I just lost another paycheck, $1,100.
"If I can turn back time, I will do things differently…" That’s what I tell myself each time. I read it takes an hour to rid an urge, but it takes me three days to get this depressing and disgusting feeling out of my system. The worst part is, I told my daughter every day before I go to work (because she begs me to stay home with her, she’s 2), that I am going to work so I can get her $5. She goes out of town with her grandparents for the weekend of my payday and what do I do? –I blow my paycheck. How am I going to face my little girl when she comes back? I’m so undeserving to be a mother. How the hell do I get back on track? Sign myself out of card rooms too? I know the answer, and yes, I should. Shouldn have done it last night the same way I did it at the Indian casino. UGH! It’s so embarrassing to ask for that piece of paper. And I know I can download it too, but I don’t want to pay money to have it notarized. I know I should just put aside my embarrassment and fork up $5-10 for the notary. Heck, it’s less than a paycheck!

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