[lostboy3881]

Emoish title I know… Hello all you fellow cg’s.  Today marks my first day from what I hope to be my last episode at the casino.  Prior to comming to this forum I have been a notorious gambler for over a century.  Like most men I’m ridiculously handicapped when it comes to emotions and self reflection.  Just like many of you out there I really am a very kind and good person, however whenever the Mr Hyde to my Dr Jekyl (spelling?) takes over–I feel like the most disgusting monster to walk the planet.  I’m currently at work and feel like a complete weenie over the fact that I’m quietly sobbing in my office, while reading other journals and posts.  The pain from the self destructive actions, and financial debachery has killed much of where I imagine my heart to be at.  I feel so exhausted, depressed, empty, and hopeless.  Although to read so many journal entries from other folks with the same problem makes me feel slightly less alone.  This morning to solidify that I just need to quit this stupid addiction I wrote a list of everything and everyone I have lost over the years.  Needless to say the list was quite extensive, I’ve lost close friends, family, a fiance’e, and countless associates to sit at the green felt.  Perhaps the most aweful thing about all these loses, is the above people would probably stand by me or hug me or show some sort of display of affection, yet I chosen time and time again to gamble…. and gambling will never hug me, or assure me it’ll be all ok.  People that I have shared my addition with that haven’t dealt/understand addiction find mine to be a laughable habit and it infuriates me.  The grip that gambling has over my life has grown to mammoth proportions and dwarfed what self esteem and self worth I have.  Of all the addictions out there I unfrotunately (or fortunately) can not die from an overdose of it.  Even though I have been suicidal so many times before, for some reason unknown to me I can’t pull "the trigger" and end all the pain.  I’m not sure if it’s an act of cowardance or if somehow my life actually has meaning but it’s a constant struggle not to call it quits on this journey.  Anyways enough of the dark thoughts that race through my head… afterall no one cares to read stories of the hero that stays down instead of getting back up.  I will have a happier update later, for now I just needed to vent.  Bless you all and please pray for me.
 

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