[the rock]

I’ve been here before i am starting my journal again though as i want to start with how bad the problem is now and not think about the times i’ve replapsed write everything down thats now going wrong and start fresh clear this mess up im determined.
OK so i am a married dad of 6 kids with one on the way im under severe pressure i’ve gambled before on a huge scale i was earning 50k a year and have nothing to show for it and i’m about 30k in debt, i’ve stolen and comitted all sorts of crime, i’ve spent my childrens xmas money 4 weeks before xmas, those days i thought were long behind me but tonight i spent £40 on gambling and i could have easily emptied my bank account.
im finding it hard to know where to start really so this may be a bit jumbled, i’ve been arguing with my wife constantly about playing darts stupid i know but i do obsess over things which is a character fault of mine when i do anything i enjoy i obsess over like an addict would i suppose, when i was a boxer i was a boxer 120% and same with football and now darts i play 3 nights a week at pubs away from my family and practice 2-4 hours at home 4 nights a week, i feel like my partner doesn’t need me sat with her or to go up to bed with her but apparently she does and weve had this arguement 100 times i can’t get it right she says set times and then if anything interupts that time i get angry and we argue, then she says anytime but i have to help out but then it turns into all the time everytime i get 5 mins, i’m pushing her away, my kids are not getting what they need from me as they are overweight and i’m filled with guilt that i don’t help them with that or do things with em such as games now here comes the additional problem.
having gave up gambling, this should serve as a warning for any recovering gambler, i injured my shoulder in 2006 which is when i gave up gambling i am now addicted to the pain killers codeine! i should be taking a maximum of 8 in 24 hours i am now taking 30 a day and i know i’m killing myself and i worry about going to sleep every night incase i don’t wake up and my children or wife finds me dead in the morning, i am a ****ing selfish ******* knowing that it could happen and my children will be left crying at my funeral and my wife will be left devestated to deal with everything on her own and trying to find love again. It’s another addiction and an addict is an addict i’m afraid again i’ve lied cheated and stole to get these tablets and i’m afraid to all of you as an addict to one thing drugs, gambling, alcohol whatever it is don’t attempt to do something else you know is addictive and believe you will not become addicted to it, the drugs make me feel like i can cope with life better, boredom, stress, evem happy times when i want to feel happier. i’ve borrowed or taken tablets off my dad and he knows it so if i die he will be left feeling its his fault and all this i still do it. i’m 19 stone my dr has warned me and so has the hospital, what if all my organs fail right now what if i’ve done irepriable damage,
i will not let this happen anymore i need to change things and sort this out i need to change my life the drugs affect every aspect my thoughts are clouded, i can’t be assed to do anything, i have to take other drugs to keep me awake and now i;m thinking of gambling i can’t keep dealing with all this pressure i want out and theres two ways lie down and give up or stand up and be counted i choose the second so watch out demons i’m coming for ya and this time there’s no taking my foot off the gas i’m going to conjure up all my strength of mind and become disciplined in all that i do! Drugs, Gambling, diet, fitness, finances i will make a success of myself and my family whatever i have to do, so watch this space from here on i will not be  broken anything i set my mind on i will do, i’m a warrior lets see if you’re ready rrrrrraaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

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