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Hello Kimiodark and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Frankie
Your child is entitled to maintenance from his father so maybe you should be asking for a direct debt of £500 per month. If he is not prepared to pay maintenance then maybe you will have to take legal advice. Personally I would not ask for internet banking details in this situation unless I was prepared for an unpleasant reply, however, I cannot tell you what ‘you’ should do. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) who can point you in the right direction legally and help you get what is right for your son.
I think Logic’s reply was great especially her p.s., however, I do not think that your CG’s visit to his son should give you hope (if hope is the right word) that he will return.
Look after ‘you’ Frankie and your son. I was left with 3 children under 6 so I know how daunting life can look but you threw him out because you had, had enough – if he returned you would undoubtedly get more of the same only worse. With glorious hindsight I am relieved that my first husband left because my life has been enriched by all that followed after a miserable period of feeling I couldn’t cope. You will cope. You are made of stronger stuff than your realise.
Speak soon
VelvetHi Jane
It is great to see Worriedmum in F&F again – already you can be sure you have a few mums understanding and listening (along with the rest of the community), so I hope it helps.
Your son has temporarily lost himself so I am also hoping that your husband will find it in him to support you through this because it is not an easy ride and your son’s addiction is divisive which is something I think he should be aware of even if he snubs the rest. I suggest keeping your husband informed of all you learn because the more knowledge you both gain the easier it is to cope. I did this by saying to my husband that I needed to push thoughts around for my sake and in this way he found himself listening , supporting me and knowing a lot about addiction without realising it!! Any questions or doubts your husband may have about the veracity of the addiction to gamble will of course be answered too.
Before I write anymore with what I know is a tough message, I repeat what I have already said and that is ‘I would not be writing to you if I did not ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that fantastic lives can (and are) lived as a result’. Hang on to that knowledge Jane.
A lot of what I will tell you is what my CG (compulsive gambler) told me some time after he had taken control of his addiction and when he knew that not only had I stood by him (as best I could) but I had bothered to learn all I could about his addiction. I am not suggesting you do this but I took a course in addiction counselling and during the course he opened up to me to help me get a good grade telling me things that F&F will seldom, if ever, hear. It is his words that I often pass on in the F&F forum together with my own experience.
Placing conditions on an active CG rarely works. My CG told me that it was ‘my need’ when I pleaded with him to stop lying and change his life (I was unaware there was anything called an addiction to gamble) because it was his firmly held belief that ‘his need’ was to gamble and that only through gambling would he know happiness.
I hope the following will help you understand what is happening when you talk to your son, although not recognised professionally it has been a coping mechanism for many of us – and I know it works – it worked for my CG too.
Imagine your son’s addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. Every time you speak to him, his addiction is awake, poised and ready to jump – but as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay in the corner – but never forget, it is always there and listening.
It is important to remember that although your son is controlled by his addiction, you are not; you can gain knowledge and be one step ahead. In time and with knowledge you will be aware that you are stronger than his addiction even though you don’t feel it now. When your son is threatened with conditions or demands to pay money back, the beast will leap between you and control the conversation, probably turning it into an argument. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will not hear your son, you will only hear his addiction – and because it knows only lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. In turn, when you speak to your son, his addiction is distorting your words, drastically altering reality to fit his personal perception – he will not be able to comprehend your meaning. Your son is still in there somewhere and it is him that I want you to keep communication open with, which I know you are already doing.
My CG explained this to me. The addiction to gamble is an addiction of constant failure and misery so your son really believes he is completely worthless. Because ‘he knows’ he is no good he will probably believe that you must be lying when you tell him you love him and that his life would be better if he stopped gambling – why would you (and your husband) love someone so worthless? Believing himself to be without worth your son will fight back with distortion and deception because sadly, at the moment, he doesn’t have or know any other coping mechanism.
I believe the best way forward at the beginning, is to accept that you cannot trust him because in doing so you will be receptive to a lot of distortion and manipulation. Stand back and do more listening than talking – hopefully it will become easier to stay out of an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. It is easier when you know your son cannot trust himself. Once you begin to try and put your side, the addiction has something to get its teeth into. I know this all sounds negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. It also stops you trying to reason with an illogical addiction that is determined not to be beaten.
I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to look after yourself first and that by doing so, you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with this addiction. Your son will not be deliberately hurting you so one of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
I know this post is far too long and I apologise for that but I wanted to give you a head start as soon as possible. I have also brought up my post on ‘Siblings’ for you which I hope will help – this was an area I made a complete hash but thankfully using all the knowledge I have gained my family is whole and well again.
You are at the beginning of a really difficult learning curve but you can do it and so can your son – there is loads of good support around for him and you will learn where to look. The more support you can give each other the better. There is so much more to tell you but I will leave it there for now.
VelvetHi Frankie
Although it is hard to stay strong, it is easier when there is distance between you – if he returns to your life without getting support you will struggle far more.
Use this time for you and your child. have some peace without addiction being in your face morning noon and night.
Sleep well
VelvetHi Jane
Well that’s the official welcome and this will be a short post because it’s late and you deserve a considered reply.
What I meant to say to you earlier was that if you are identifiable with the username you have chosen and want to make yourself less so, contact our Helpline during the day and ask for your name to be more obscure. This obviously is an open forum but the Helpline is one-to-one and private and you know about the group. Please feel free to use the Helpline too, you will find great understanding there.
I will write soon as promised
Velvet<
Hello Jane
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
Hi Micky
Life will continue to get better . Great positive post has me smiling.
Velvet
Hi Frankie
You are going to get lost if you keep using 2 threads. Please stick to this one. All the people who have replied to you on the extra thread you have started will find you here and get your full story if you just stick to this one.
We cannot give advice, Advice is often asked for when you know the answer but wish that you didn’t. Only you can know what it is right for you but having kicked him out, I think you have to ask yourself why are questioning your decision, when you don’t want to be treated badly. What has he done towards seeking help that makes you think he will be any different?My CG was active for 25 years and didn’t stop until I ceased all enablement and he couldn’t find it anywhere else.
As I have said before, if you give a CG an ultimatum it is important to be sure you mean to carry it through because if you go back on it the addiction will have won and will get worse, never better, until it is treated.
What happened when you downloaded the 20-questions for him?
I will never allow the addiction to gamble back into my life because I know what it is to live with it – that is my decision. Your life is not mine but whatever you do has to be ‘your’ decision. I suggest you read back all the replies you have had and hopefully you will be clear what is right for you
You have support here Frankie but it important that ‘you’ look after yourself and make the right decisions for you and your son.
VelvetHi Frankie
Please use your other thread, you are getting replies and on it and it is confusing trying to cover 2 threads.
VelvetHi Frankie
You have made your informed decision and now it is time for you to put you and your child first – he needs you to be strong.
I know that often there is only one course to take and that is to order the addiction out of your life and that is the decision you have bravely taken.
Just take one day at a time and live it for ‘you’. As Geordie rightly says CGs are survivors so your only concern should be for you and your son.
Do you have family to support you?
Keep posting and please keep to one thread so that your story follows on
I wish you well
VelvetHi Frankie
I didn’t know which post to answer but as this is the one getting most replies I will stick to this one.
I am not sure when you say ‘I’ve applied for him to get help filling the gordon moody application form online. I’ve added his email so i dont know if he will ignore the email or seek help, again’ – whether it is you, or your bf who has asked for and done the application.
The GMA organisation works miracles but it cannot succeed with an active CG who is being forced to go on the programme but has a loved one who is doing all the work to get him accepted. You won’t be with him while he is on the programme so doing it for him will not help.
The thing that can work the best for you is to stop enabling him with £20 here or there because it is the gambling that muddles his brain and it is the gambling that has to cease. Can you speak to his mother and ask her to help her son by not giving him money with which he can gamble. It doesn’t matter if it is 1p or a million pounds the act of gambling is what does the damage.
Looking after you is the most important thing you can do and I have had hundreds of people over the years who have told this forum that this was the thing that worked even though they could not see the reason when they first heard it.
Keep posting Frankie – preferably on this threadHi Victoria
It would be great to get an update
Velvet
Hi Braze
All my experience tells me that ultimatums to CGs do not work. A compulsive gambler is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not.
Ultimatums to a CG are more often than not the red rag to the bull, giving them the chance to call the bluff of the loved one and discover the weak link. When the ultimatum is not carried through in its entirety, the CG can relax and be fairly assured that life will continue its own sweet way but with the added benefit of knowing that their addiction is strengthened by the inability of the loved one to carry out the ultimatum. Never issue an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it out to the nth degree – it is not and never will be a bargaining chip.
I am hoping you will post again soon with an update
VelvetHello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
