Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi MM
Fantastic – I am delighted you have a date. Whatever happens take the opportunity.
I understand your mum wanting to see where you are going and it is good for her that she does so. Please don’t over-concern yourself about the fuss this will cause everybody else – however inconvenient this is what your mum wants more than anything else too.
There is a perfect day to go in and it is the 29th August and the place is yours. This is a terrific opportunity for you. I took my CG to Dudley many years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I believe that what would be good for your mum is to use the forum and group when you start the programme because she won’t know what is happening and will worry.
Leave all thoughts of inconvenience, disappointment and fuss firmly on one side. This is your moment – don’t be afraid to embrace it in its entirety.
One of the reasons that Amy would only speak to you is that this is just for you, it is ‘you’ that matters to GH – I remember feeling on the outside but that is the way it has to be. If your mum will allow I will talk her through when the time comes.
You can and should say what you are thinking on this forum because the anonymity is there to protect you – you can say the things you could never tell anybody else so keep communicating.
I know only too well that CGs are not bad people but sadly their addiction can often lead them to do bad things.
Look after yourself and fill your time with things you enjoy that have nothing to do with gambling before you go to GH.
Keep posting
VelvetHi MM
It would be devastating if you ended your marriage because of a problem that you can control – with support and knowledge.
Why 4 months? When you determine to live gamble-free then each day is all that counts – making 4 months should not be a goal. We can all only live one day at a time MM and that is the only day you need to worry about. Taking small steps is the best way forward.
I suspect that your wife is probably more aware that you are struggling than you think – if isn’t only the loss of money that hurts it is the behaviour that goes with the gambling problem and everybody I have ever heard about who loves a CG and knows there is such a thing as an addiction to gamble, recognises active gambling behaviour.
‘You’ matter and that doesn’t change whether you are married or single. How much better to control your gambling with the woman you love than struggling to fight it on your own.
I believe that you are right when you say that if you don’t take control then your life will deteriorate – the problem you have gets worse without good support and treatment. Have you tried going to GA? What other support have you tried?
Your wife would be welcome on the F&F forum or in the F&F group which is private if she would like to talk to people who understand her and can support her while she supports you. In my view it is good to ask a loved one not to read your thread but to concentrate on their own recovery while you concentrate on yours.
I have to sign off there MM but I know you can control your addiction and live the enjoyable life you want or I wouldn’t be here writing to you.
VelvetHi Midlandman
20 years is a long time to be in a hamster wheel and I am glad you have decided it is time to use this site and find your way off it.
Your addiction causes the feelings of loss and helplessness but with knowledge which is readily available here you can learn to control your addiction and live a gamble-free life.
I am not going to write a long first post to you but I am interested in why you are currently thinking that a single life would be better for you. Do you have children? Is your wife aware of your addiction and your desire to control it? Do you feel your marriage is causing you to gamble?
When you feel lost and alone it is time to look for something different, I believe you can find that difference here. I look forward to reading more from you and watching your progress towards a wonderful gamble-free life.
VelvetHello Midlandman and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Mr Exon
Well done started on your own thread.
A lot of what I wanted to say related to your post on Geordie’s thread so here goes:-
Look your parents in the eyes because you are doing something about the problem that affects you but leave the problems that affect them out of the equation. The only people who can deal with why your mother and her friend didn’t speak are the parties involved. It is not your problem, however much if affected you. Maybe in the future you can have constructive discussions but not at this stage of your recovery.
You won’t solve everything in one fell swoop Mr E – the past doesn’t just disappear but in the future you will be able to use it for reference only and you won’t be dwelling on what has gone.
The weeks before my CG entered GH where dreadful to put it mildly. A mixture of fear of the unknown and a dread that things won’t change is enough to put anyone in a downward spin.. The void you are talking about is recognised and understood – gambling has been the mainstay of your life and you are going to lose it – what will you do without it? Will you cope? The answer is a resounding yes but it does take time , knowledge and self-awareness..
Every gamble-free day you put in before you go to GH is a bonus. It will make it easier to deal with the ghosts you are bringing up from your past allowing you more space in your mind to deal with them. Don’t stay under the duvet but talk to your friends about anything other than gambling, do your sport until you drop and talk to your parents without anger, blame or judgement. They are human too and they will be worried for you and worry makes people do and say things they don’t mean.
Everything that you are feeling is normal so look after yourself, keep posting and joining the groups – talk to the Helpline, everybody is here to support you.
I have learned so much Mr Ex just by being on this site and having 25 terrible years with an active CG – I have learned to take one day at a time and not live with guilt. I have learned not to judge. You will get to GH and you sound as though you are determined and ready which is a big step in the right direction.
Look after yourself and your parents who are welcome to come on the F&F forum or in to the F&F group which is private. I would suggest that if they do want support here you ask them perhaps not to read your thread but to concentrate on their own recovery. I never read my CG’s thread because it was his recovery and that was what I wanted more than anything. We made it work and you can too.
One final word for now – you said about the wound opening later. You will deal with wounds on the programme but slips and relapses do not have to be part of your future life – be determined – you can do this.
One day at a time Mr E.
VelvetHello Mr Exon and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Dear Jenny
I have thought about bringing your thread up many times but held back knowing you would write again when you were ready.
Your self-will and determination to protect your children is your armour strengthened further by your commitment to be honest. I think is so much easier to be honest – your ex’s lies and confabulations (such a lovely word for distorted memory) will surely become apparent to anybody in authority.
I know you never wanted the fight but sadly some active CGs make it impossible to do anything else and I firmly believe that at times like this the only course is to make a stand. In my opinion, his messing around with your daughter’s happiness is a step too far and the sooner she is stabilised the better. How sad that his parents are not able to see the truth or, as is probably the case, ignoring what they see because that is easier than facing their son’s poor behaviour.
I know you will be doing this already but this is the time to double up the joy in ‘your’ home so that your daughter (and your other children know they have security. When she is older, hopefully you can discuss the ins and outs but for now all that matters is that she looks forward to each day as a child should.
As Mr Bumble said in Oliver Twist ‘the law is an ass’. You will hear things that will hurt you and worry you so stick to everything that you are doing now because you are doing well. Lawyer’s letters can be intimidating but behind the letter is a human being who is only stating what he/she has been told and those facts will be blurred when presented by an active CG.
I also hope you will start posting again more regularly through this unpleasant period because there is an understanding here that seems to be lacking in your ex’s parents and I suspect they will be putting their unhelpful oars in.
It is possible that a complete break will bring your ex to his senses but that is in his hands, not yours, we can only hope that ‘one day’…..!
I am still on the top of the mountain Jenny and I know it has been a hell of a climb for you but you have never given up. A life free of the addiction to gamble is precious and worth a fight – it is within your grasp, as it is and always will be, for your ex.
As Ever
VelvetHi Braze
It would be good to get an update.
Maybe next time he opens up you could tell him that you are listening. This is no reflection on what you have been doing but I would imagine that all F&F spend hours, days and weeks trying to talk to their loved one to no avail – I know I did.
Are you now handling his finances? Many CG find having their finances looked after really helpful – especially when they truly want to change but are struggling.
‘If’ your partner had gone into rehab he would have had to ask for money for whatever and say what he wanted it for and then when he returned from the shops a receipt would have been be required. It might sound as though they are being treated as children but those who accept it as a way forward know that they are not being treated as children but as human beings who need the right support to tackle an horrendous problem.
Yes change is needed but your partner has to want that change. When you are listening look for the little gems that say he is truly ready to accept and then perhaps ask for ways he feels you could support him best – obviously not by handing over cash on demand. Giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. He probably will get angry when he doesn’t get the money he wants and I know how hard it is to resist but if you want to stay with him he needs you on his side against his addiction and that takes enormous strength and determination. In my opinion, you will be amazed at the strength you have.
I wish you well
VelvetAs requested Lily
I think you have done the right thing
VWe missed you Red – obviously the plate of spaghetti was more interesting!!
I hope all is well
V
