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Hi Nk
Although your last post was a reply to another, I know how disappointing it is to not know if you were heard or not, so here I am to tell you that indeed you are being heard.
I think that if we get another group like last week we could use ‘What is an Enabler’ as our topic. It seems to me that there is a fine line between educating your children and then becoming this thing called an Enabler. As your child is growing you want to educate/enable them to have a good life when they become independent because that is the natural order of things. There is a feeling of failure when the child does not achieve the independence that was hoped for but instead is gripped by something that has caused them to lose control just as they should be flying free. Sadly too it is like a stone thrown in to a pond where the ripples spread outward and the parent/ spouse/siblings feel the control of their own lives slipping away – it is this feeling that creates the Enabler.
The addiction to gamble will sabotage trust in a family, causing unrest and confusion because in division the addiction can get the enablement it seeks. In my own case I did everything wrong for all the right reasons and it wasn’t until I gained knowledge and put myself before my CG’s addiction that I began a long recovery.
Where do you think you are enabling? What actions have you tried? These are rhetorical questions but examining what action we have taken and then discussing the outcome of the action we took can lead us try something different that we had not considered before. Left with questions whizzing round in our brains we just go round and round which is detrimental to the inner ear and causes dizziness leaving one falling further and further into ‘blob-hood’ – I know because I have been there.
Looking forward to ‘seeing’ you in a group again where I hope we can raise a smile or two but in the meantime please keep posting because knowledge really is power.
Velvet (ex top of the Blobs)Hi Emma
On this site you will have the support that you feel you don’t have around you because you are understood.
There is a Friends and Family group tomorrow evening Thursday 20.00-21.00 hour UK time and it would be great if you could join it.
In the meantime please tell me more about you and the situation in which you find yourself. Does your husband accept he has a problem? Is he in a lot of debt? Is he moody/angry/deceitful?
I do know how hard it is but it helps to know a little more than that which you have written, in your initial post, so that I can give you the support that is right for ‘you’.
Well done starting a thread, I know it isn’t easy
VelvetHi Worried
I really hope you will join me in the Friends and Family group on Thursday evening between 20.00-21.00 hour UK time where you will meet at least one other mother who has experienced the same confusion that you are feeling now.
By looking after ‘you’ you will be doing the best thing for your son. It never sounds like great advice but it is the best for both of you.
Hoping to ‘meet you tomorrow evening in the group – nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
VelvetHi Nic
You have already started getting help by posting here where all you are going through is understood.
Does your husband accept that he has a problem? Did the first massive amount of debt get cleared and if so how?
Of course you are shell-shocked and feeling hurt but your husband has probably got himself into this mess without realising he was on a downward slope – once he had started slipping he would have felt he couldn’t stop and believed that chasing his debts would sort out his problem. You and I know that this doesn’t work but he appears to be unaware of this at the moment.
There is a Friends and Family group tomorrow evening 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we can communicate in real time and you would be very welcome but please keep posting. The more knowledge you gain about your husband’s problem, which could be an addiction, the more power you will have to cope and support both of you.
Maybe you could tell him that you are seeking support and let him know there is a lot of support for him too.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if i didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
Velvet<
Hello Nic
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hiya
What film are you thinking of going to see?
I know that anything I suggest is difficult but I do know you can come out of this and live the life you deserve.
His mind is elsewhere but gambling holds him – it isn’t that he cares about it more than anything else – he is gripped by it and it is impossible to know what is going on in his mind at the moment – but you are married and neither of you is asking for that relationship to end. Whatever the outcome however, the more you look after ‘you’ the better it will be for both of you.
Friendships develop slowly, I can hear you are a person who would make a good friend and for what it is worth you have a cyber-friend here who will always listen.
VelvetHiya
If he didn’t ignore you he might feel he has to do something about his addiction and he doesn’t seem ready to want to do that yet – he still has some learning to do.
My first husband left me with 3 small children and it took me about a year before I felt able to move on in any sense of the word – there is grief for a relationship that has floundered and it is right to grieve, it is a painful process and sometimes we have to work at it. Healing takes time, it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.
Do something for you tomorrow, something that pleases you and maybe post and tell me what you have done.
I believe it is good to give yourself some goals, small steps that are achievable – even if it is only a change of hair style – for me it was a change of hair colour!
I do hope you can pop in tomorrow evening; communicating in real time is great.
VelvetHello
I can’t call you helpless because you are not, you wrote a post that must have taken a great deal out of you, you told me exactly how you feel and you asked for support – that is not being helpless.
I also contributed to the issues of the CG in my life but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that you would not have done so, if you had known how debilitating and soul-destroying your CG’s addiction was – you don’t possess a crystal ball so how could you know?
‘If only’ is not something I subscribe to because the past cannot be changed. I tried to find support as you have done but I couldn’t find any so I blundered on in the dark believing that love would conquer all but in the end, as you have found out, if doesn’t.
I understand why you resented him rushing to his mother when he had refused to help you – I would have done too but hopefully, putting it into perspective, it was his refusal to take you that was wrong and not the fact he went to his enabling mother. Has he gone to live with her?
I would be amazed if you didn’t feel used but it is no good hoping that he will ever appreciate all you have done, Even if he changed his life, faced his addiction and returned to you as the man you want, the chances are he would never/could never appreciate what you have done for him – but in that circumstance, however, you would probably no longer care that he didn’t appreciate what had gone before.
Do you have a Gam-Anon near you where you can talk to people who understand, you face to face? It really worked for me. Your post made me want to sit beside you with a cup of tea/coffee/ and/or a glass of wine and just listen and talk but sadly the internet denies this. I think you feel your husband has left ’you’ and you don’t know why (even if you did throw him out) but I believe that understanding his addiction will help you realise he didn’t walk away scot-free and he isn’t happy but he wants enablement and you are not offering that any more – and nor should you. In estranging yourself from him you are giving him the opportunity to take responsibility for his actions which is what he has to do to face his demons. You are definitely not responsible for him.
‘If’ you allow his addiction to destroy your life then it has won and that doesn’t help you, or him. Putting you first, enjoying the friends, family and hobbies that you probably put to one side to deal with your husband’s addiction will give you the power to regain ‘your’ life. His addiction controls his thoughts and behaviour, he did not deliberately hurt you, so it is better for him that you are not wrecked by addiction. When he faces his addiction and changes his life it is better that you are not part of his guilt but that you were the rock.
I hope some of this makes sense and that you continue to post. It would be great to ‘see’ you in the F&F group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours where we can talk in real time while we share a cyber drink and a non-fattening piece of cyber cake.
Moving on takes time and you are grieving which is right but don’t let grief turn to bitterness, you are worth more than that. You can take this experience that you have had and turn it into a learning tool for your future to make it better or you can let it consume you – I know what I want you to do and I would be delighted to walk with you while you do it.
VelvetHi Chalsteve
Even if your son didn’t use and lose money he is addicted to the gamble; this is known as ‘dry gambling’. Many CG abstain from gambling for money and believe it is enough – but abstention is not control. Some newly abstinent gamblers say that they are keeping track of what abstinence has saved or cost them but mind bets keep their brains in gamble-action which eventually builds to the excitement of gambling for money again. Once the brain is excited the CG cannot shake off the urge to gamble.
‘His desire to game is stronger than his desire to gamble” is his addiction because as long as he plays/gambles in his brain he will keep his addiction alive and sadly growing. Those around CG generally understand the value of money and see the illogicality of losing it for a game/gamble; we tend to see the addiction as being money related but it isn’t – a CG is motivated only to get enough time/money to play/gamble.
Cathy (worriedmama) has mentioned Gam-anon and I too share her belief in this terrific organization where you physically share with others who understand – it was in Gam-anon that I found my salvation; maybe you could have a look in your area for one.
I don’t usually mention it because there is no need but the CG in my life is my son, so I know where you are coming from. The big difference between us is that for 23 years I unwittingly enabled because I had never heard of an addiction to gamble and for the next 2 years I didn’t believe it although I stopped enabling. In the final 2 years I did what you are doing now and sucked up all the information I could get and that is what carried me forward; finally taking a course in addiction counselling, going to Gam-anon and arriving here. It was my efforts to learn that made the difference to me and eventually to the relationship between me and my son. You are aware of what is going on, you are learning about something that confuses us all, which is good because you can protect yourself, your wife, your home, your possessions and ultimately your son.
The battle is tough. Knowing the man, that is ‘now’ my son, helps me to know that your son can be the person ‘he’ wants to be. My son grew to hate the person he had become and that is what changed his life. I didn’t save him, I couldn’t: I didn’t stop him gambling, I couldn’t; I was estranged from him in the final year because he was destroying me; he hit his rock bottom without me but I know that looking after myself finally and ceasing enablement was the right support for him.
Keep posting
VelvetHi Jenny
Wow Jenny for a short post you managed to pack a lot it.
I was sorry to hear that the boys lost their dad due to his addiction, it would be good to hear how they are doing. I understand how being on this site and learning about the gambling addiction can help you cope with other things in your life and I am glad you felt you got the support you deserved. I think I use all I have learned with compulsive gambling in so many walks of my life that sometimes it seems as though having the addiction in my life was meant to be.
I like to think of GT being the hallowed halls and sometimes I do feel I am haunting them but it is my way of making sense of my experience.
Being stronger and better for coming out the other side I can relate to – would I do it again – absolutely not – I will never allow the addiction to gamble to control me again.
Thanks for popping back, it means a lot. I understand why many posters go on to live their lives away from this site because it is not a place to dwell – it is always good to hear positive outcomes however.
You were never thick, struggling to make sense of the senseless is where, I think, we all start – you have also never been forgotten
Enjoy your addiction free life – you deserve to be free.
VelvetHi Fed Up
How do you get on with your mum’s partner? Did your mum tell her partner that she was trying to get more money from you?
I am wondering if your mum wasn’t burying her head in the sand when she rejected the possibility of rehab – maybe she felt her cancer meant there was little point in taking on another life-changing course which she thought she couldn’t control. If this is so then maybe you could talk to her again about being gamble-free and the peace that comes with taking more control of ones life.
I understand your disappointment and resentment but of course they don’t help ‘you’ move forward. Looking after you is so incredibly important; if your mother’s addiction brings you down with it then it has won and for her sake, as well as yours, that should not/must not happen.
Your mother’s coping method is to lie and deceive in the hope you don’t see her addiction for what it is but you are stronger than she is and you can see so much more than she can.
Well done not giving her the money she asked for – it often feels easier just to give in but it doesn’t help you and it certainly doesn’t help her. Enabling an addiction by clearing gambling debts, or providing cash to gamble, mere feeds the addiction allowing it to grow quicker and stronger.
It’s not at all crazy that your work with drug addicts would help you deal with your mother but it will have given you an insight into the way things will go unless somebody calls a halt. It is also far from childish that you want your old mum back – have you told her that?
You are fighting on two fronts, each one so difficult. Is your mother getting treatment for her cancer? Is her partner supporting her? I suggest that, if it is possible, uniting with your mother’s partner against her addiction could be good for you all.
I hope you will keep posting because I am aware that you have not had the responses you deserve. I am glad you have been reading a few posts to help you get some ideas about coping. In my opinion, doing something that pleases you every day will give you space for ‘you’ to breathe. It is easy to find oneself worrying about the addiction of another 24 hours a day, it is easy to forget oneself but you are important and your mental health is important.
I hope to hear from you again soon
Velvet
