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Hello YBR
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Username
Please don’t take it personally that your son feels he cannot share his worry with you, this is quite common.
It is very likely that your son’s depression and anxiety have stemmed from his worry about his gambling and not the other way round. A compulsive gambler suffers with feelings of worthlessness and failure and I suspect your son wants to try and redeem himself in ‘his own eyes’ first. Owning a gambling addiction is something he will almost definitely feel deeply ashamed about and that is a different ball game from admitting to anxiety and depression.
A gambling addiction is not something that a person should be ashamed to own but ignorance plays a major part in keeping this addiction secret. Your son probably placed a bet some time ago, either with friends or on his own just for fun, he could not possibly have known that he could not gamble responsibly. Having crossed the line he will now have to have great courage and determination to control his problem and your understanding can greatly support him while he fights his demons.
You ‘know’ his guilty secret but he is unaware that you know and in my opinion this is the best way to go on. In the meantime I suggest you learn as much as you can about the addiction to gamble so that you can support him in the right way. It is so important that your son trusts you and I suspect he would struggle with the fact you have read his email, although it is completely understandable that you did so. I don’t think you were nosey at all; I think you were caring and worried. Many F&F become detectives when this problem has appeared in their lives but generally it is the only way to know the truth as a gambler will use lies and deception because it is the only way they know to cope.
It would be great if you could pop in to an F&F group on either Tuesday evening 22.00 – 23.00 hours UK time or Thursday 20 .00 – 21.00 hours UK time so that we can communicate in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. You will be very welcome.
I hope it will help you to know that I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result.
VelvetHello Username
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Username
Well done on writing a difficult post. The first one is always the hardest.
It would appear from what you have said that your son has an addiction to gamble but it also appears that he is trying to control it and that is fantastic news.
I have to go out now but I wanted you to know, when you returned to the forum, that you had been heard. I will write to you asap but I want to give my reply to you the consideration it deserves.
Speak soon
VelvetHi EB
Family members struggle to get things right when a gambling addiction that they do not understand lands in the middle of their lives. They tend to do all the wrong things for all the right reasons and it is only with knowledge that they get things right but when they do, their support can be invaluable.
Although you did not actively join in with your boyfriend ‘this time’ your mind would almost certainly have been in gamble-mode; this is called ‘dry’ gambling which keeps the addictive juices flowing and usually results in relapse. To control your problem you will have to be very courageous and determined and say no to temptation. Putting temptation in the way of your recovery implies that you have not accepted the strength of your problem. Perhaps you could explain this to your boyfriend who I am sure would not want to be instrumental in a fall that will only bring you misery.
Your boyfriend is lucky that he can gamble responsibly but you can’t. Find things that you can do together where no gambling is involved. When he goes to the casino maybe you could see friends or take up another interest or hobby that you have put to one side or not considered yet. The same applies to Thursday; plan your day around things that give you pleasure but avoid gambling which will bring you nothing but devastation.
Asking your mum to help you control your finances is excellent.
Keep going EB; the way to thank your family for their support, is to be happy and live a healthy life, which for you means being gamble-free. No parent could ask for more
VelvetHello EB and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Amp
If there was a magic pill to stop the addiction to gamble this site would not exist – unfortunately there isn’t and it is only with acceptance and then treatment that the addiction can be controlled.
‘Taking’ a CG (compulsive gambler) to therapy is a waste of time; your boyfriend has to want to stop for himself and there is nothing you can do to save him if he doesn’t want to be saved.
I hope you will keep posting and learn about the addiction to gamble so that you can gain the knowledge to help you make the right decision for you. A compulsive gambler will always be a compulsive gambler, there is no cure but they can control their addiction. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know many CGs who are living wonderful gamble-free lives.
Only you can know how far you will go, I know that love gets in the way of doing what is right sometimes but love will not conquer all with this addiction.
I suggest you download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers anonymous website and ask him to look at them – it might help him appreciate that he does have a problem but that it is recognised and there is a lot of support available for him.
I am glad that you are living apart as it will make it easier for you to cope with your situation; it is always harder when it is in your life 24 hours a day.
I cannot comment on his parent’s attitude, I know that many parents feel at a loss when their child is addicted to gambling and often, understandably, do and say all the wrong things.
I hope you will pop into the F&F group on Tuesday between 22.00-23.00 hours UK time, it would be great to talk in real time and it is private.
I am sorry I cannot offer you an answer to your situation; I can only support you and walk with you for as long as you want me to do so, while you work out what it is that ‘you’ want from your life.
Maybe you could tell him that you have sought help for you – many CG do not think that their loved ones need support, believing the problem to be all about them.
Speak soon
Velvet
