[velvet]

Hello Douglas and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Newme and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Trucker and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Viv

It would be great to get an update.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bleak

As you rightly say this is not a religious forum but you found your recovery with a religious conviction and I am glad that you have posted about it. I have known many people, CG and F&F, who have found their way forward to a better life with religion.

I accept what you say, that rehashing the same issue week after week didn’t work for you but sometimes when life gets too stressful many people find that sharing makes the difference and sometimes that sharing is repetitive for a time. I like to think we do not re-hash replies here. The message, by necessity, is often repetitive but for a new member hearing it for the first time it can offer the first glimmer of hope. You have found the way forward that is right for you and I am pleased that your way has given you the ability to cope and doubly pleased that you have shared it here.

I found my salvation in Gam-Anon. I admit I picked away at the wound for a long time but through sharing I learned to cope and my life changed – the healing process was completed a long time ago. I believe you are sharing with your Higher Power and through Him your wounds can also be healed.

I said in my earlier reply to you that It is never too late for a compulsive gambler to learn to control his addiction – even after 30 years – I know this to be true from experience. I also know it is possible to trust a CG who has turned his life around as much as you can trust anyone. Anyone can change with courage and determination. Has your husband ever accepted his problem and/or has he ever tried to get help?

I hope you will post again and I promise to try and not to rehash my words to you.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Tami
You are right; feeding a compulsive gambler with sweet words only enables the addiction to grow and changes nothing for the better.
Why does your boyfriend not want to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA)? Admitting he has a problem is a step in the right direction but sadly words come easy and only action brings about real change.
I suggest your boyfriend doesn’t want to seek help because he doesn’t want to stop gambling but he wants you to stay with him – possibly for enablement. He has stolen from you and others and unless he is taking responsibility for these thefts he has no reason to stop gambling.
Many compulsive gamblers do not accept they have a real problem until they hurt themselves enough
GPs do not necessarily understand addiction, there is no medication to stop a CG from indulging his addiction – only acceptance and action changes anything.
I suggest that you protect your finances, set up a private account for you for which he has no access or knowledge, keep your pin safe and protect your personal possessions. I suggest you find a Gam-Anon group, the sister group of Gamblers Anonymous and seek physical support for yourself.
In my opinion, it might be good to tell your boyfriend that you are taking his addiction seriously even if he will not. We have a helpline on this site for you and also for your boyfriend. As he believes that he can handle his addiction himself then communicating with our Helpline anonymously will cost him nothing but it would be good for him to know how hard (impossible) this is.
I believe that you are young, you do not deserve to have your money stolen and your life disrupted by your boyfriend’s addiction. I know he can control his addiction Tami but he has to want to do so.
Please post again
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Claire

I am hoping for an update as I have been on holiday for a few weeks.

Have you found a psychologist who specializes in addiction?

I have just re-read all your posts and your replies to Sandy and you seem to have become remarkably knowledgeable about how the addiction to gamble confuses loved ones into believing what they want to believe and into denying reality. Of course knowing that we are fooling ourselves and doing something about it is so very, very difficult.

You know you have something to worry about regardless of your husband’s words that you do not but you want to give your marriage another try which I completely understand. You are now armed with a lot more knowledge and I am hoping that this will be the difference between what has gone before and what is to come.

My suggestion is that you keep posting, I am back now and cannot see myself being absent for a very long time. Sharing helps, I know that from my own experience. Talking to someone else who will not judge but who understand helps. Gradually I think our minds can become less cluttered with thoughts of addiction; in time we can see the right way forward.

You ask what good can come out of a situation like this. My personal belief is that given time and knowledge we can turn a bad experience into something good – or I would not be here. I have found that my fight back to my recovery and reality has helped me in every walk of my life since.

I hope you are still reading Claire

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sweet

It is common among all of us who love compulsive gamblers to feel that ‘our love’ will conquer all but sadly it is not a solution to the addiction to gamble. ‘Our love’ can cause us to overlook the dangers and in many cases result in many days, months and years of doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

Unfortunately many F&F have heard the word ‘suicide’ and felt the terrifying pressure from the word – sadly it can often cause the wrong reaction. It can be felt that if bad behaviour is overlooked then, maybe, the CG will feel less desperate – but it is the continuing gambling that causes the desperation and no amount of overlooking bad behaviour will change that.

Has your fiancé tried returning to his rehab to ask for further support? Rehabs, certainly in the UK, will be supportive even after a person has left because it stands to reason that not all those who attend the programme will be instantly gamble-free – there is no magic solution. A rehab gives the CG the tools of recovery but cannot make them use them. If the dedication is not there from the CG then there will be relapses but rehabs want to see those who attend them succeed and if it takes a bit longer to get the light switched on, then that is understood.

I cannot tell you what to do but clearing the debts of a CG only enables the CG to gamble further – as soon as the debt is cleared then the clean slate is an open invitation to indulge the addiction further.

When you fiancé has left himself without money for food what has been your response? Giving cash to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. If you feed him then, in my opinion, it should only be the basics.

I will leave this reply to you here and wait for you to update.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ashya

I can hear that you feel that you have tried everything to make your boyfriend stop gambling but until now you have not tried this site, so I am hoping that this will be, not just the last resort but the resort that gives you the support you need to help you through this difficult time.

You have described the roller-coaster that is the addiction to gamble and I know it is a brutal ride. I cannot tell you what to do because it is important that you make the decisions for yourself, however, I do feel that it is important that you have a separate account of which your boyfriend has no knowledge in which you can save for your future. I know it is difficult to hide money and compulsive gamblers appear to be able to find information on hidden accounts but this is usually due to a lack of security. It is sad but it is important not to trust an active gambler however much you would like to believe in him. Your boyfriend is not willing to take responsibility for his actions so ‘you’ must put yourself first and take care of you. It is important that your pin number is never revealed.

You write that you are in a rural community and that you do not have any friends around you but are there a any churches or community buildings you can attend to meet other people and possibly find friendships? The CGs (compulsive gambler’s) addiction takes away self-confidence from those who love them, it is easy to become isolated. I can hear your feeling of isolation in your post. Finding someone to talk to seems to me to be important to your situation. Is there a Gam-anon group in your area? Gam-anon is the sister group of Gamblers anonymous and it was at a Gam-Anon group where I found the support I needed many years ago. This site has changed many lives for the better but physically sitting with another person, who is willing to listen without judgement, can be incredibly supportive too.

Has your boyfriend ever accepted that he has a problem or sought help?

I am going to stop now because it has been far too long since you received our welcome message and I want to hear from you again.

I think you have come to the right place. I do care and I hope you will feel less alone when you have read this reply

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi ButtercupKeepUp
I am not surprised you are tired – living with a person with an addiction who refuses to get help can be soul destroying – but in my opinion, in gaining knowledge of your husband’s addiction and looking after yourself, you will learn to cope ensuring your future is safe for you and your children.
Your husband’s addiction and behaviour is not your fault – there was nothing you could have done to stop his addiction. He is controlled by his addiction but you do not have to be – you can re-take control of your life. Sadly it is common for F&F to fight one way battles, they take on the fight to protect their loved one and those around them but in doing so they unwittingly enable their loved one’s addiction. When the CG in my life took control of his addiction he told me that as long as I enabled him and fought his battles, there was no reason for him to take on his demons. He wanted to gamble, he didn’t want to fight to overcome his problem. He didn’t have a plan to hurt me but his distorted addictive thinking blamed me for any perceived problems.
I’m not going to write anymore in this first reply to you – I would like to wait and hear from you again. I am sorry you couldn’t make the group tonight – perhaps on Thursday between 10 pm and 11 pm we could ‘meet’ in cyber space and ‘talk’ in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. In the meantime though, please post again.
I am back now after a break and will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so. If I didn’t know that your husband’s addiction could be cured I wouldn’t be here but I know how important ‘your’ health and happiness are for you, your children and ultimately for your husband.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Alexaalex and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hello Gusgusin and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Clare
It would be great to get an update from you – how did you get on with your psychiatrist?
When I was living with an active CG in my life I saw a psychiatrist because I believed the problem had to be me which is a fairly common assumption among those who love compulsive gamblers. It is only with knowledge that we learn we are not the problem but sadly we also learn that we cannot be the answer.
Your husband will not be deliberately hurting you or your family so it is right that you do things for yourself that make you happy and give you peace of mind. Allowing ourselves to be dragged down by the addiction of someone we love doesn’t help us or our loved one.
I can hear your strength is growing in your replies to Sandy. Please let me know how you are
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bleak
The picture you paint of your marriage is very bleak indeed so I am pleased that you have joined this forum where I hope you will gain some strength from knowing that you can talk openly in a place where you and your situation are understood.
I am glad that you have taken steps to protect yourself financially but I am wondering what steps you have taken to protect yourself emotionally. Have you sought support for yourself before?
It is impossible to get the support ‘you’ deserve on somebody else’s thread, so I hope you will start your own thread– it would be great to get to know you better, I am sure that if NicNac is still reading she will find you.
It is never too late for a compulsive gambler to learn to control his addiction – even after 30 years – I know this to be true from experience. Has your husband ever accepted his problem and/or has he ever tried to get help?
I will leave it there for now Bleak. I am going on holiday for just over two weeks starting on Thursday so I won’t be around for a while but maybe you could have conversations with other members – I think you have a lot to offer and hopefully a lot to gain yourself.
Thank you for taking the brave step to write as you have done, I know it cannot have been easy.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Viviwlj
I think that supporting your loved one as a best friend is a fantastic way to move forward for you and for him. Your fiancé’s addiction will take you all the way down with it ‘if you allow it’. You are stronger than his addiction however and I think you are taking a very wise course although I suspect it will not be easy.
It would be great if you could make the group tonight as it will be my last one for 2 weeks – it is one-to-one and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
Charles has written his story in ‘My Journal’ if you want to follow his path to recovery. For myself I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled or I wouldn’t be here writing to you – I am willing to share more with you this evening if you so wish.
Velvet

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