[velvet]

H Nick

There is nobody on this site who would want you to fail and I am sure there is a lot of interest in the way you are taking your addiction by the scruff of it’s neck…

So this is another ‘well done’ comment from me but please, please don’t take the concern of others as throwing cold water on your enterprise because sadly it is well known that cash in the hand will always be hard for a compulsive gambler.

Whatever works for you Nick is great – a gamble-free life is so worth every and any effort. I look forward to hearing you giving your chosen charity a boost – but more than that, I will follow with interest your posts as you stay gamble-free by doing whatever suits you – because you matter.

Well done Nick

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lamman
I don’t hear a person who is cold-hearted, I just hear someone who is confused and frightened.
In my opinion it is ok to give food to a CG who is struggling to survive – but I would also be asking for a commitment from him to seek help.
I know your husband can control his addiction or I wouldn’t be writing to you but he has to want to do it. How has he tried to stay clean in the past?

It is possible that when you thought he was clean that he was dry gambling – this is the term for a CG who abstains from betting money but still gambles in his head. Dry gambling keeps the addiction alive until it erupts again, often causing greater problems than before. Abstinence is not recovery. CGs need to take responsibility for their actions, deal with the disappointments in their lives and their missed opportunities or the impulse to gamble will not diminish enough.
I believe that any support you feel you ‘want’ to offer him, that does not involve giving him cash or something that he can sell for cash, is going to be ok because you seem very aware of what this addiction is doing to both of you.
Your husband is telling you what he wants – does he include in his bucket list a desire to control his addiction? If he does, maybe you could direct him to this site – we have a brilliant Helpline and there are groups and forums for him where he will be welcome and it is all anonymous. If he does nothing towards controlling his addiction, nothing will happen. GA is another great force for the good.
What do ‘you’ want Lamman – do you still love him? I ask this because you are important and what you want is important. I am glad that you are here because I suspect that you are probably feeling very alone at the moment and – I hope you will now feel less alone.
I know how easy it is to feel sorry for someone in such desperate circumstances but unfortunately it is your husband who has to realise that it is his behaviour that is putting himself there before there can be any change and it is only himself that can bring about that change.
Keep posting Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lamman

It is so hard to support you on someone else’s thread, please start your own.
If you scroll to the bottom of the F&F forum page you will find ‘New Topic’ – please click on it, give your thread a title, cut and paste your post into the box then scroll down and click on ‘save’.
I would love to give you the strength to stand firm but it isn’t something I can do – it is something you can do for yourself though. You have strengths in you that you have not tapped yet. You are refusing to enable your husband because you love him – maybe you could tell him you have sough help for you and let him know there is support for him in GA and on this site
Loving someone with a gambling addiction is not easy and often giving in and enabling seems the easier option but you are doing well .
Please start your own thread – you deserve support
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Confusedson

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Marke
It is only what you do today that matters Marke; beating yourself up with ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ will not change a thing. Today you are gamble-free and your new and good memories start now.
There will be no need to feel bad for the rest of your life – you didn’t ask for or want your addiction but you have accepted it and you are learning to control it which is good. It is great to take a bad experience and turn it into a lesson for life. The lessons you learn in these early painful days of your gamble-free life will stand you in good stead in the future when problems arise that once upon a time would have triggered your addiction. These lessons are your tools for the future – tools that you can pick up when life seems to be getting on top of you.
Your girlfriend and/ or your Dad would be welcome in Friends and Family if they want to understand more about what hurts you and how they can support you.
I look forward to hearing your progress towards a better gamble-free future Marke, which I know you can do, or I wouldn’t be here.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Ferg and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Ferg

You posted in the Friends and Family section so i have moved you over to ‘My Journal’ where you will get the support you deserve.

I wish you well

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Marke and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Nic Nac
Sometimes F&F have to move on and sometimes the CG does change but it is important to know that you cannot ‘make’ a compulsive gambler stop gambling.
I know that if you move away with the thought that leaving him will make him stop gambling then you could get hurt but on the other hand if you move away for your own health, you will not be living in the eye of the addiction storm which will allow you the peace in which to retake control of your life.
I would never tell you that I think you should go or I think you should stay but I believe that sharing thoughts and experiences helps. I hope you will keep posting until you know what is right for you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Blue
I am relieved that you knew you could return when your husband did not embrace a full gamble free life.
I don’t know of a compulsive gambler who has successfully ‘cut back’ on his addiction for any great length of time. Your husband appears to have tried to manage his addiction rather than accept it.
Many compulsive gamblers can stop betting for money for varying lengths of time but continue making mind bets which they may not admit to unless specifically asked. Some abstinent gamblers keep a check on what abstinence has saved or cost them but abstinence is not recovery. Mind bets are not an uncommon way for a CG to ‘stay in action’. However such thinking and any reduced gambling only serves to keep the action alive in the head of the gambler which given the right circumstances will blast free again with often devastating results.
‘If’ your husband did go to a meeting, he may be reluctant to talk about it – meetings are eye-openers and he may not have liked what he saw and heard – many CGs return home and say “well I’m not as bad as him or her”. One the other hand it is possible that he got a lot of food for thought which he needs to process himself before raising your hopes.
Please be prepared if you do lay down the gauntlet of ‘marriage or gambling’. Know yourself what this could mean to you and whether or not you can go through with it. Compulsive gamblers are the masters of threats and recognise an empty threat as a green light to carry on gambling.
Please keep posting – gamblers do lie but they can also turn their lives around, learn to tell the truth and live gamble-free, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Barb
Please start your own thread so that you can get support that is just for you.
If you look below the thread you have posted on you will see that Hannah has her own thread and I am sure she would love to hear from you on that.
It would be good if you could scroll to the bottom of the F&F forum page and click on ‘New topic’, give your thread a title and maybe copy and paste your post into the box. Click on save and your thread will be appear.
It is difficult to get support without an unique thread as nobody knows where to find you.
I am glad that you have found family to support you but on this forum you will find those who understand you and your situation and I think that such support is fantastic.
Looking forward to hearing from you again
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hannah

Rifts can develop without you knowing how they occurred but the addiction to gamble is divisive – a rift is something that can be put to good use subconsciously by a gambler.

Rifts, silences, an air of constant disappointment hanging in the air, and an inability to communicate give the addiction an excuse to gamble – after all it is the preferred escape route for a CG.

We often talk on this site about doing something different – but it hard to think of alternatives. Maybe you could see a different way forward with the following – many of us have used this method at the start of our recoveries and found it helped us cope.

If you can, imagine your husband’s addiction as a beast in the corner of the room watching your actions and speech. When you try and talk about his addiction the addictive beast will be wide awake and ready to defend itself at all costs. It is manipulative and favours rifts and confusion so that it can indulge itself.

Your husband is controlled by the beast but you are not. It will have convinced your husband that he is a worthless failure with no hope and he will be feeling lost and afraid – his coping mechanism is to demoralise you with blame, excuses and deceit. You, on the other hand are stronger than his addiction and you can make a difference.

I think F&F waste energy and time wanting to believe that what the CG is saying might be the truth – I think that it is better to listen to the CG without getting involved which removes you from the eye of the storm. I think you were completely right when you decided that your husband was feeling sorry that he had been caught and not sorry that he had gambled. It is something you have learned and is something to put with all the other experiences that ultimately will give you your answer.

The way you are feeling at the moment probably makes it easier to avoid arguments but of course the disappointment is still hanging heavily between  you; the beast is wide awake and your husband will not see how to change things – gambling is his only answer!

Do you have happy times together or is gambling marring every corner of your life? Your husband admits he has a problem which is a small gap in the door but just how to kick it open? Do you help him clear his debts; will you try and pacify his friend who will want his money back? Is it possible to tell his friend that your husband has a problem? Do you have supportive family and friends?

You certainly don’t sound cold – you sound at the bottom of the abyss and you want out of it. It is at times like this that I believe the best decisions can be made – it was the abyss that forced my CG to look at his life and do something about it.

Are your children at an age where they can understand what is happening?

This site is not GA Hannah, many people don’t take to the idea of GA but prefer this site.   There is a lot of support for someone who admits they have a problem. My CG kicked his addiction into touch with the GMA programme, which is a brilliant rehab. Although it takes time out of life it works and offers a gamble-free future for those who embrace it. There are also dedicated counselors.

Maybe I am not reading between the lines properly but it seems to me that your husband has not been hurt enough by his behaviour – you have been hurt enough to seek help but your husband is still getting enablement from a friend who sadly should have know better than to lend him money.

Keep posting Hannah – it would be great if you could make a group

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Hannah
In my opinion, numbness is a defence mechanism that kicks in when one hits rock bottom and there doesn’t seem to be an emotion left that adequately covers your feelings.
I am so pleased that you have written your post, I think it must have been hard for you to do it but I do believe that writing things down helps to clear ones brain.
Many compulsive gamblers don’t want to go to GA – they know that once they go they will hear things they don’t want to hear and maybe have to act in a way which they don’t feel ready to do. I suggest your husband could be afraid of trying to fight his addiction and failing – if he doesn’t enter the fight, he can’t fail. Many CGs are just afraid of entering a room of people with the compulsion to gamble when they are still denying that they own such a problem. Whatever the reason, however, we do have a Helpline on this site that is completely anonymous – your husband would be welcome to use it if he wanted to push his concerns around without commitment or judgement. The Helpline is there for you too.
Maybe you could download the Gamblers anonymous 20-questions from their website and show them to him – maybe he doesn’t realise his problem is a recognised addiction and that there is support for him. Maybe you could tell him that you are seeking support for yourself because you are taking his behaviour seriously.
Whatever you decide Hannah, please keep posting and I will reply to you. It would be great to ‘see’ you in a group.
I can’t give you answers but I can support you as you find your own – and you will
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Hannah

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Deva
Please keep talking Deva and hopefully you will feel less alone and desperate.
I would never say to you to open the door and leave or close the door and stay; it is important that you make decisions for yourself as part of your recovery. Those who love someone with an addiction often lose control of their lives trying to make things better and often end up being controlled by that same addiction. However you do not have an addiction and you can retake control of your life.
All the painful emotions of bitterness, deep disappointment, betrayal, rage are understandable but they do hold you back. Sometimes we have to vent those emotions before we can be soothed and find our calm inner voice again. I know that talking about our anger with someone who understands can help us clear our thoughts and confusion – so please start your own thread and join our groups. Together, hopefully, you will be supported at this difficult time.
Velvet

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