[Sunflower01]

After a few more unbearable weeks of pent up lies, my boyfriend finally came clean about how bad the gambling got. Although I was in control of his money, I was unaware he received his taxes and his bonus from work. He spent all of it playing poker online. He came clean about it and asked for forgiveness. He said he was ashamed and disappointed in himself and how one lie just kept turning into another. He spoke with his therapist about it yesterday too. His therapist said this could be a good thing because now he is admitting and accepting that he has a problem and that he cannot do it at all. I saw this coming too and as you know, had my fears and suspicions. I guess I am just venting because I’m torn. Do I continue this relationship as long as he continues to choose recovery or do I give up? Is this a cycle that is just going to continue to happen? There is so much uncertainty and I am just so afraid. He builds back the trust just to rip it away again. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. I love him and all I’ve been wanting was for him to choose recovery, but how can I protect myself if I choose to stay with him?

[Sunflower01]

Thank you so much! I definitely will keep using this space to write and talk with supportive and helpful people like yourself. It truly does help me to write down my thoughts or troubles and receive feedback. I’m also trying to think of different ways to help my anxiety, such as working out after I’m done with my work day. I am a teacher and work from home video calling my students. Seeing my students helps as well. When This lockdown is over I will definitely go out with friends and spend more time on me. These are definitely challenging times. All I keep hoping is that with continued therapy he will see he needs to stop. I know the choice must be his though. Thank you again for all of your guidance through this. 

[Sunflower01]

I should also mention his friends and family are aware of his gambling problem so borrowing money would not be an easy task for him. 

[Sunflower01]

Hi! I am sorry that I did not reply sooner. I just saw the comment. I never give him my own money to gamble with and my money is in accounts that he can not touch. I also have his money in an account that he does not have access too so that he can’t spend it all gambling. I give him daily allowances for his expenses and sometimes ask for reciepts as well. The money he gambles with is the $100 he keeps out of his check monthly. The $100 a month was the compromised amount when speaking to with his therapist. I spoke very openly in our meeting and he listened and said he understood but he also did not budge on wanting to continue. His therapist said its good that we are speaking openly and not lying to one another but also suggested he stop. As of now we plan to continue meeting once a week and continue living together as long as he continues paying his share of the bills. If that were to change I will not support him. This situation is not ideal at all and I am just trying to live day by day and this point and see where it takes me. I feel a sense of anxiety like I’m waiting for him to crash and burn, which unfortunately I feel is inevitable. I’m just trying to stay aware and focus on me in the mean time. 

[Sunflower01]

Hi! 
it went pretty well, but we both do not see eye to eye. It is clear that he is wrapped up in addictive thinking and is not willing to stop at this time but is willing to only use $100 a month towards gambling and to not access three times a week. He does have me place his money in account that he cannot access it, so it is possible, unless he borrows money from other people. He knows how strongly I feel about him stopping and continuing to seek help. His therapist said although he agrees that he should not be gambling and that he feels this is a dangerous road, that it Is good that he is being honest about how he feels and speaking openly. We plan to continue meeting with the therapist weekly and discussing everything. I also requested he keep a gambling journal so that we can look back and see how much he bet, how much he won/lost, and how he felt when doing it. The situation is by NO means ideal and I’m still very upset about it, but with the way current situations are in our world I’m not sure I’m ready to ask him to leave as long as he continue to pays he share of the bills. It’s very difficult. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for him to crash and burn. Thank you for checking in! 

[Sunflower01]

Thank you for always taking the time to respond and offer advice. I’m really just struggling right now. His therapist called what we are doing “harm reduction”, because he is going to gamble no matter what I say at this point and it is either going to be behind my back or open. I am in control of his finances so I could with hold the money from him, but if I did that he may ask for all of it back rather than only using an agreed amount. I have no beliefs that this can heal him or that this can work long term. i am struggling to deal with it at all. I plan to express this more in our therapy session tomorrow too. I am just so torn and I am not sure what i am able to follow through this with. I am scared of what could happen to him and I do still love him. I know something had to change. I just don’t know what the best thing to do is. 

[Sunflower01]

We have unfortunately tried almost everything. From inpatient for a month, GA, a therapist. Currently, I am in control of his finances and we see a therapist weekly. Right now we do therapy over the phone because of the situation. His therapist called the known gambling “harm reduction”. There was a time I believed it could be possible, but I do know now that I will never be happy unless he isn’t gambling. I see how it consumes his life and it breaks my heart. I just prefer the truth than a lie. I have lived through the days of not knowing where he was or what he was doing and it killed me. I know I have a lot of thinking to do and a tough decision ahead. I’m just afraid. Thank you for speaking with me and giving me your input. I greatly appreciate it. 

[Sunflower01]

I understand when you say that it being “allowed” needs to stop. But my question is what do I do?  if I don’t set terms with him (that I know he can easily break anyway) he would do it behind my back. The other option is if not allowed, does that mean I tell him to leave if he doesn’t stop? It is confusing because we live in NY, which is a hot spot for the coronavirus right now. It is probably difficult for him to find somewhere else to live. As angry as I am with him I care a lot about him and don’t want to see him homeless. How should I approach this? 

[Sunflower01]

Thank you for reaching out and responding to my post. Things continue to get worse. I see the online poker taking over his life again. He can’t sleep at night and has stomach issues. I explained to him that this is all because of his nerves, but he doesn’t agree. I just feel like I am going insane living with him. If times were different I think I would ask him to find another place to live, but it would be so hard for him to now. I have put 8 years into this relationship and I’d hate to see it end, but I just don’t know it staying In it at this point would be best. I keep hoping things will change but they just don’t seem to be changing. 

[Sunflower01]

Quarantining has caused my boyfriend to display very unhealthy habits with playing poker online. His therapist and I talked about disaster control and trying to manage what he wants to do by being financially in charge and setting terms to his gambling, as he was going to no matter what I said or did. We agreed upon terms and things were okay for about a week or two. This past week has been unbearable. I feel like a ghost in my own home, as he really only cares about playing online poker on the days he’s “allowed” and on the days he doesn’t he sits on his phone and plays pool, or a video game, or chess on the computer. I feel like his thought process is so unhealthy and I’m worried about him. I also don’t know how much longer I could live like this. I’m not stupid enough to think that terms will prevent him from making poor choices when it comes to his gambling, but figured it might help the situation since it would be difficult for him to find somehow else to live right now during the quarantine. I just feel so alone and lost. I’m tired for being taken for granted.

[Sunflower01]

Thank you so much. I find myself having mood swings when it comes to all of this. I know that no one should tell me whether I should leave him or stay with him, but if I stay with him and create “terms” that I know can easily be broken would I be enabling his disease? His therapist asked us to write terms and a plan. And we discussed we’d continue seeing him weekly regardless, but a part of me wants to know I’m not enabling him. I don’t want to make it easy for him to feed his disease but I also love him. A part of me wonders if it would be better to let him crash and burn alone because maybe it will make him hit a rock bottom that he hasn’t, although I felt there have been moments that he has. I also don’t want to see him go through that alone. It’s just very confusing. 

[Sunflower01]

Thank you so much for your insight and thoughtful response. I sent the link over to him and suggested he check it out. Today we spoke with his therapist and I hate to say it, but I think his thoughts are even worse. He spoke strongly about how he feel passionate about poker and wants to play. He went on to say without it he doesn’t feel full. He has this sense of belief that because poker wasn’t his primary form of gambling when he was bad that it is okay for him to do. I agree that I don’t think he can do it safely and feel like I am losing my mind when listening to him. He is pleading with me to create terms with him and to continue managing his money and helping him make positive choices but while he is playing poker. His therapist of course advised against it as well but tries to keep an open mind with him and gave him an assignment to write down how he plans on being responsible and how he plans to play poker without being compulsive. He also asked us to talk about our relationship and next steps. The love is still there between us, but when does he stop going backwards. I’m afraid there is no future for us as I don’t know what the right decision is to do. Do I leave him? Do we move apart for a while? Do we continue working on our relationship with terms? What is the right thing to do. I feel ashamed if I stay with him. I feel like I can’t tell anyone I know. It’s just such an unfortunate thing.

[Sunflower01]

Eu não poderia concordar mais com o que você afirmou. Pessoas próximas a ele sabem de seu vício e não devem emprestar-lhe dinheiro. Vou incentivá-lo a encontrar um conselheiro especializado em vícios, pois esse terapeuta parece estar lidando com as coisas de uma maneira muito estranha. A mãe do meu namorado juntou-se a ele durante uma sessão e disse que aconselha que nos afastemos dele e lhe permitamos digerir tudo e permanecer no controle. Eu sinto que se meu namorado estivesse realmente pronto para buscar ajuda e mudar, ele estaria disposto a abrir mão desse controle. Na sexta-feira nós estávamos em um “intervalo” e nos separando um pouco, embora ainda morando juntos. Ele não parece estar me levando a sério ou está em negação. Hoje pretendo falar com ele para lhe dizer que, a menos que ele comece a mostrar mais esforço, continuando a buscar ajuda, colocando as prioridades de conseguir um emprego estável e admitir seu problema em primeiro lugar, assim como eu ou alguém em quem ele confia como responsável por suas finanças , Eu simplesmente não consigo continuar esse relacionamento. Pretendo dar a ele um prazo até 1º de março. Se ele não fizer essas coisas, ambos precisaremos começar a pensar em arranjos de vida alternativos e para onde ele vai pode continuar sendo meu problema. Embora me mata pensar que ele pode não ter para onde ir.

[Sunflower01]

Jeg kunne ikke vært mer enig i det du sa. De som er i nærheten av ham, vet om avhengigheten hans og vet ikke å låne ham penger. Jeg vil oppmuntre ham til å finne en rådgiver som er spesialisert på avhengighet, da denne terapeuten ser ut til å gå ting på en veldig merkelig måte. Kjærestenes mor ble med ham i løpet av en økt, i tillegg til at han sa at han råder oss til å slutte med ham og la ham fordøye alt og beholde kontrollen. Jeg føler at hvis kjæresten min virkelig var klar til å søke hjelp og forandring, ville han være villig til å gi opp kontrollen. Fra fredag har vi vært på en "pause" og tatt litt tid fra hverandre, selv om vi fortsatt bor sammen. Det ser ikke ut til at han tar meg på alvor, eller han fornekter. I dag planlegger jeg å snakke med ham for å fortelle ham at med mindre han begynner å vise mer innsats ved å fortsette å søke hjelp, sette prioriteringer for å få en fast jobb og innrømme problemet først, så vel som meg eller noen han stoler på å ha ansvaret for økonomien sin , Jeg kan bare ikke fortsette dette forholdet. Jeg planlegger å gi ham en frist til 1. mars. Hvis han ikke gjør disse tingene, må vi begge begynne å tenke på alternative boord, og hvor han går kan lenger være mitt problem. Selv om det dreper meg å tro at han kanskje ikke har noe sted å gå.

[Sunflower01]

I couldn’t agree more with what you stated. Those close to him know of his addiction and know not to loan him money. I will enourage him to find a counselor who is specialized in addiction as this therapist seems to be going about things in a very strange way. My boyfriends mother joined him during one session as well as said he advises that we back off of him and allow him to digest everything and remain in control. I feel that if my boyfriend was truly ready to seek help and change he would be willing to give up that control. As of Friday we have been on a “break” and taking some time apart, although still living together. He doesn’t seem to be taking me seriously or he is in denial. Today I plan to talk to him to tell him that unless he begins showing more effort by continuing to seek help, putting priorities of getting a steady job and admitting his problem first, as well as me or someone he trusts being in charge of his finances, I just can’t continue this relationship. I plan to give him a deadline to March 1st. If he does not do these things, we will both need  begin thinking of alternate living arrangements and where he goes can longer be my problem. Although it kills me to think he may have no where to go. 

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