Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
You asked, “will I always have this addiction? is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever live a normal life?”
To answer the first question – it sounds like your brain is wired the same way that mine is. I cannot place a bet, because once I do, I cannot stop. Like you, I cannot quit – either whilst I am ahead or behind – I always chase losses, the definition of a problem gambler.
To answer question 3, I feel I am living a normal life – in as much as I am leading a life without gambling. I cut gambling out of my life completely. I look upon it like having allergy. If I had a peanut allergy, I would know I could never eat peanuts again. Would that affect my life? Yes, I would have to be more careful than most people and accept that some wouldn’t understand that they can eat peanuts with no problems and I can’t. But in the grand scheme of things, not being able to eat peanuts is not big deal. Life goes on. So it is without gambling. I just tell people I don’t gamble and live a life without gambling.
So is there light at the end of the tunnel. If that means a life without gambling, then yes. I have been gamble free for so long, I can’t remember – but at least 12 years. It wasn’t easy in the beginning – especially thinking about my losses and having to manage debt for many, many years. I was plagued by urges and had to do a lot of “self-work” to get through that period. Now gambling is just not part of my life.
If you read through the threads on here you will see the three things you need to do to stop, (lose access to gambling, to the means to gamble and to the time to gamble) – and the one thing you need to do to stay stopped – which is to get really good support for yourself. I wish you well.
I would be interested to hear what new habit you are forming. I know one of the pillars of recovery is making new use of time – but I find that hard one hard to advice people on because it is so individual. What do you do that substitutes for the emotional rush of gambling?
My new (not so new now) habit is walking out in the country. It feels like a contradiction of being in a closed off gambling venue where often you can’t even see the outdoors. But I am aware that is not a pull for many people.
I am glad I am still able to go out on my “permitted exercise” time and my big concern is for those who gamble on-line as I feel there is no escape for them.
Good to see you posting and I look forward to discovering your new habit – if you feel you want to share.
The thrust of my previous post is that you need to take action. I am not having a go at you for gambling again … we all have a gambling problem and that is what we do – but what ACTION are you taking. If you have gambled again (I was not sure from your post) why are blocks not in place? Has your mother recovered from her gambling problem. If so, she will understand your situation better than most and will do all she can to help. If not, then you are right – it might be too much temptation for her. Perhaps there is someone else.
As for the GA thing – I get that you don’t want people to know – but have you explored the possiblity of remote meetings – especially at the moment, in most countries GA does not have physical meetings (although they may in NZ.) Check out if there are meetings via zoom or skype in locations closer to your time zone (Australia) where there is little chance of meeting someone you know. There are also support group meetings here – although the facilitated ones are probably through the night for you – but check the timetable … there may be some you could attend.
Do things NOW to stop the next cycle of gambling, otherwise you are going to be in this loop for a long, long time. Something I experienced and would not want anyone else to go through. I wish you well.
My thoughts have been with you. Glad to see that you are still gf and thriving. Take good care!
I find myself a little irritated with the response to my post. It feels like you picked out one thing I mentioned (counselling) and instead of considering it – you asked what I got out of it, as if it would be the same for you. No – I am not sharing. Your thread is headed “I need advice and help” and yet when people have given advice and help you have not acted. Charles has now added to things that you can do … but will you? What about looking into GA – if not why not? It is only by taking action that you are going to move on from where you are. I hope you can find it in yourself to take action. I look forward to hearing about the results.
You wrote: “I am in deep hole want to end my life.”
This is a temporary situation and it is not something that needs such a drastic permanent solution. Please talk to someone on a helpline – there is a link here to some available in India: https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=India
I say this is a temporary situation because many of us have been where you are and have come out the other side. If you read through the journals posted here you will see that there are 3 things you must do – other than getting good support for yourself. They are 1) losing access to money, 2) losing access to the places where you gamble – both online and off and 3) finding other ways (non gambling) of spending your time.
Read others posts and look at other parts of the site for details of what these things mean. I would urge you to come clean with your family about what is going on. Yes it will upset them, but not as much as if you go through with ending your life and then they will find out anyway. If you have borrowed money from your family and are unable to pay it back – they have a right to know the reason for this and to have the opportunity to help you if they can – after all it is THEIR money, not yours.
There is a facilitated support group for new members tonight (Monday) at 19.00 London time. You will get much more advice and support there.
Yes – I am still here and sorry to hear about your pain.
It took me many years from making the decision to stop – to actually staying stopped. I had relapse after relapse, so I can empathise with where you are at.You have had lots of advice here already. Scroll back up and read it and think about how much you have taken on. If not – why not? The advice is given by people who have been where you are now – and are now at, (or aiming to be at) the place you want to be in … gamble free. Not all the things advised will work for you, but you have nothing to lose by giving them a shot. Take Gamblers’ Anonymous as an example. You said you were concerned that you might be embarrassed if someone recognised you. Is being embarrassed more of a problem than you have now? Or counselling – you don’t feel there is any underlying problem causing you to gamble. Part of the counselling process is to find out what IS underlying – if you could see it, things would be much easier for you …
I took a decision to put as much effort and time into my recovery as I did into my gambling – and that was a LOT. I became identified as a recovering person, not just recovering FROM gambling, but recovering my life. Now I see myself as a NON-gambler, it simply isn’t part of my new life anymore – and I am a lot happier with a lot less stress. I have a simple lifestyle and just enjoy what life brings even in these difficult times. I hope that you can join me.
Or perhaps I should say, “sorry to see you here” as your story is so similar to those of people with a gambling problem everywhere.
The line that stood out for me was, “I lost the value of money and motivation to move on.”I felt exactly that when I was in action. Money no longer had any value other than as tokens which I could use to place my next bet. The fact that I could no longer afford decent food, go out to nice places, travel etc didn’t seem linked to my gambling – in my scrambled brain.
You also posted about your Uncle and what happened to him through gambling. He died of a heart attack. Brought about by stress? Gambling does not only affect you mentally, it has physical consequences too as many on these boards will tell. Perhaps his legacy was as a guide to you as to what might happen if you continue this behaviour. You need to stop.
Stopping gambling is not easy – and staying stopped is even more difficult – but it can be done. I am several years gamble free and I am not alone in that. If you read through the posts on the boards you will see there is a common theme for stopping gambling. To sum these things up – there are 4 things you can do.
1) Lose access to gambling. Ban or bar yourself from places where you could go to gamble – both online and off.
2) Lose access to money to gamble. If you can, get someone close to you to handle your finances until you feel stronger – a family member or trusted friend.
3) Find good support for yourself. Come to the support groups here and on other gambling support sites. When things allow, go to support groups like Gamblers’ Anonymous, seek out counselling to identify what is triggering this behaviour in you.
4) Find other (non competitive) ways of using your time. If you can avoid games which may lead to a gambling element – if you need to pit yourself against something – try and better yourself, through non competitive sport (cycling, climbing etc) or revisit a hobby you may have given up for gambling. If you need to binge watch netflix – then do it – don’t feel guilty in the short term – you can always pull out later when the strongest urges pass. And they will pass – the longer you are gambling free the easier it will become – but you will still need support etc for several months or years to come.I hope you can follow this advice and take steps towards a new (gamble free) life. I wish you well.
I feel that way too. I am twice your age and I now realise what I could have been doing with all the time spent in gambling places chasing losses mainly.
Good that you have sought out therapy and recovery meetings. The other things you can be doing are – banning / barring yourself from places where you may be tempted to gamble, and limiting your finances so you don’t have the means gamble. If you have a trusted friend or loved one – then hand over your finances completely until you feel strong enough. But be aware this could be several months or even years. I wish you well.
if you seriously feel you “do not want to go on living.” Yes you have lost money, but life is about far more than money and you can enjoy life with very little. I don’t know which country you are in but this link should show you helplines wherever you are: https://www.befrienders.org/
Some people say that the definition of compulsive gambling is that “normal” gamblers do not chase losses. The fact that you have these feelings about wanting to go back to thing that has given you so much pain – shows that you have the problem. And it is a problem – a behavioural problem. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, or a loser. It means that there is something in you (and all of us here) which means that we can’t stop – even when we “know” that to continue is causing us harm.
As for what to do – read other posts in the forum that will show you the 4 things you need to take on board. 1) lose access to gambling sites (block or ban yourself) 2) lose access to finance, get someone else to handle you money if you can. 3) find other (non-gambling) ways to use your time and 4) get good support for yourself (Gamblers’ Anonymous as Monica has suggested or some other self-help group; maybe counselling if you can access this where you are.)
I have been gambling free (gf) for many years now – but in the early days I relapsed so many times due to 2 main reasons. 1) chasing losses and 2) wanting to be a “normal” gambler. Both of these things are not realistic for me and I have accepted them now. I know it won’t be easy for you to accept these things either – but believe me life goes on without gambling and it is better than the alternative. I wish you well.
Hallo Idi – bedankt voor het posten op mijn draad. Ik dacht dat ik hier een reactie zou schrijven in plaats van terug in mijn draad waar je het misschien zou missen. Gewoon om je eraan te herinneren – je schreef: Vertel me alsjeblieft hoe je te weten kunt komen wat je echt van het leven wilde? Wist je het altijd al? Het verbaast me dat ik op mijn leeftijd nog steeds aan het afdrijven ben en nog steeds geen richtingsgevoel heb. Een van de dingen die ik tijdens mijn gokdagen heb geleerd, was dat afdrijven slecht nieuws voor me was. Ik had het gevoel dat mijn leven zin moest hebben, anders zou ik zin creëren door te gokken. Vreemd? Welnu, als ik constant denk dat ik mijn volgende reparatie moet krijgen – of ik heb geld nodig om de reparatie te betalen – of ik heb geld nodig om het geld te vervangen dat ik gebruikte om de reparatie te krijgen … dat alles geeft mijn leven "zin". " Het kan allemaal negatief zijn, maar het is een reden om te leven (om te spelen, of te proberen te stoppen met spelen, of schulden af te betalen.) Toen ik stopte, was het als tuimelaar die door mijn hersenen stroomde. Meer dan verveling – het was van "wat heeft het leven voor zin – als ik niet kan gokken? Hoe kan ik dat vervangen?" Ik had tijdens mijn "proberen te stoppen"-dagen boeken gelezen van Viktor Frankl, de Oostenrijks/Joodse psychotherapeut die ook een concentratiekamp-overlevende was. Terwijl hij daar was, merkte hij dat mensen met een sterk 'levensdoel' meer kans hadden om te overleven wat ze doormaakten. Hij kwam op het idee dat 'zij die een waarom hadden om te leven, door elk hoe heen kunnen komen'. Toen mijn leven echt zwaar werd – met stress op het werk en schuldaflossingen (klein biertje vergeleken met in een concentratiekamp zitten – ik weet het!) Ik keek terug op zijn werk en dacht na over wat mijn leven zin zou geven. Voor sommigen is het hun familie, maar ik heb er geen. Voor sommigen is het religie of geloof – maar hoewel ik ergens in geloof, is het niet zo sterk. Voor sommigen is het lijden zelf – maar ik had niet het gevoel dat dat op mij van toepassing was. Ik moest dus kijken naar wat voor mij zinvol was. Ik voel me het meest vredig en gelukkig als ik de natuur ervaar – dus in de wereld zijn en er meer van ontdekken, heeft me het afgelopen jaar of zo van reizen gesteund. Nu kan ik niet plannen B zou zijn om op één plek te blijven en de natuur te verkennen (wat het thema was van de post waarop je reageerde.) Dus daar heb je het. Ik wist het niet altijd – het was iets waar ik aan werkte. Feesten klinkt meer jouw ding – en ik denk dat dit komt omdat je meer extravert bent. Verbinding maken met mensen en anderen (en jezelf) vreugde brengen, is misschien iets waar je naar zou kunnen kijken. Ik hoop dat je je weg vindt, je weet dat je mijn steun hebt!
Hi Idi – thanks for posting on my thread. I thought I would write a response here rather than back on my thread where you might miss it.
Just to remind you – you wrote: Please tell me how you can came to know what you really wanted from life ? Did you always know ? It amazes me that at my age I am still drifting through and still no sense of direction..
One of the things I worked out from my gambling days – was that drifting was bad news for me. I felt that my life needed to have some meaning, otherwise I would create meaning by gambling. Weird? Well when I am constantly thinking that I need to get my next fix – or I need money to pay for the fix – or I need money to replace the money I used getting the fix … all that is giving my life “meaning.” It might be all negative but it is a reason to live (to play, or try and stop playing, or paying off debts.)
When I stopped – it was like tumbleweed flowing through my brain. More than boredom – it was like “what is the point of life – if I can’t gamble? How can I replace that?”
I had during my “trying to stop” days, read books by Viktor Frankl, the Austrian / Jewish psychotherapist who was also a concentration camp survivor. Whilst he was there he noticed that people who had a strong “life purpose” were more likely to survive what they were going through. He came up with the idea that, “those who had a why to live can get through any how.”
Now when my life got really tough – with stress at work and debt repayments (small beer compared to being in a concentration camp – I know!) I looked back at his work and thought about what would give my life meaning. For some it is their families – but I don’t have one. For some it is religion or faith – but although I believe in something it is not that strong. For some it is suffering itself – but I didn’t feel that applied to me. So I had to look at what was meaningful for me. I’m most at peace and most happy when I am experiencing nature – so being in the world and discovering more of it has sustained me over the last year or so of travelling. Now I can’t then plan B would be to stay and explore nature in one place (which was the theme of the post you responded to.)
So there you have it. I didn’t always know – it was something that I worked on. Partying sounds more your thing – and I guess this is because you are more of an extrovert. Connecting with people and bring others (and yourself) joy may be something you could look at. I hope you find your way, you know you have my support!
Bună Idi – mulțumesc pentru postarea pe firul meu. M-am gândit că voi scrie un răspuns aici, mai degrabă decât înapoi pe firul meu, unde s-ar putea să-l ratezi. Doar pentru a vă reaminti – ați scris: Vă rog să-mi spuneți cum puteți ajunge să știți ce v-ați dorit cu adevărat de la viață? Știai mereu? Mă uimește că, la vârsta mea, sunt încă în derivă și încă nu am simțul direcției .. Unul dintre lucrurile pe care le-am lucrat din zilele mele de jocuri de noroc – a fost că deriva a fost o veste proastă pentru mine. Am simțit că viața mea trebuie să aibă un anumit sens, altfel aș crea sens prin jocuri de noroc. Ciudat? Ei bine, atunci când mă gândesc constant că trebuie să obțin următoarea mea soluție – sau am nevoie de bani pentru a plăti soluția – sau am nevoie de bani pentru a înlocui banii pe care i-am folosit pentru a primi soluția … tot ceea ce îmi dă viața „sens”. " S-ar putea să fie totul negativ, dar este un motiv pentru a trăi (pentru a juca, sau pentru a încerca să nu mai joc, sau pentru a plăti datoriile.) Când m-am oprit – a fost ca năvodul care curge prin creierul meu. Mai mult decât plictiseala – era ca „ce rost are viața – dacă nu pot juca? Cum pot înlocui asta?” În zilele mele de „încercare de oprire”, am citit cărți ale lui Viktor Frankl, psihoterapeutul austriac / evreu care a fost și supraviețuitor al lagărului de concentrare. În timp ce se afla acolo, a observat că oamenii care aveau un „scop de viață” puternic erau mai predispuși să supraviețuiască prin ceea ce treceau. El a venit cu ideea că „cei care aveau de ce să trăiască pot trece prin orice fel”. Acum, când viața mea a devenit foarte grea – cu stres la locul de muncă și rambursarea datoriilor (bere mică în comparație cu faptul că sunt într-un lagăr de concentrare – știu!) M-am uitat înapoi la munca lui și m-am gândit la ce ar da sens vieții mele. Pentru unii sunt familiile lor – dar eu nu am una. Pentru unii este religie sau credință – dar, deși cred în ceva, nu este atât de puternic. Pentru unii suferă în sine – dar nu am simțit că asta mi se aplică. Așa că a trebuit să mă uit la ceea ce era semnificativ pentru mine. Sunt cel mai liniștit și cel mai fericit când mă confrunt cu natura – așa că a fi în lume și a descoperi mai mult din ea m-a susținut în ultimul an sau cam așa ceva de călătorie. Acum nu mai pot atunci planul B să fie să stați și să explorați natura într-un singur loc (care a fost tema postării la care ați răspuns.) Deci, iată-o. Nu știam întotdeauna – era ceva la care lucram. Petrecerea îți sună mai mult – și cred că acest lucru se datorează faptului că ești mai mult un extrovertit. Conectarea cu oamenii și aducerea celorlalți (și a dvs.) bucurie poate fi ceva la care ați putea privi. Sper să-ți găsești drumul, știi că ai sprijinul meu!
Olá, Idi – obrigado por postar no meu tópico. Pensei em escrever uma resposta aqui, em vez de voltar ao meu tópico, onde você poderia perdê-la. Apenas para lembrá-lo – você escreveu: Por favor, diga-me como você pode saber o que você realmente queria da vida? Você sempre soube? Surpreende-me que, na minha idade, ainda estou à deriva e sem nenhum senso de direção. Uma das coisas que descobri nos meus dias de jogo – foi que a deriva era uma má notícia para mim. Senti que minha vida precisava ter algum significado, caso contrário, criaria significado jogando. Esquisito? Bem, quando estou constantemente pensando que preciso conseguir meu próximo remédio – ou preciso de dinheiro para pagar pelo remédio – ou preciso de dinheiro para repor o dinheiro que usei para consertar … tudo isso está dando sentido à minha vida. " Pode ser tudo negativo, mas é uma razão para viver (para jogar, ou tentar parar de jogar, ou pagar dívidas). Quando parei – foi como erva daninha fluindo pelo meu cérebro. Mais do que tédio – era como "qual é o sentido da vida – se eu não posso jogar? Como posso substituir isso?" Durante meus dias de "tentativa de parar", li livros de Viktor Frankl, o psicoterapeuta austríaco / judeu que também era sobrevivente de um campo de concentração. Enquanto ele estava lá, ele percebeu que as pessoas que tinham um forte "propósito de vida" tinham mais probabilidade de sobreviver ao que estavam passando. Ele teve a ideia de que, "aqueles que têm um por que viver podem passar de qualquer maneira." Agora, quando minha vida ficou realmente difícil – com estresse no trabalho e pagamento de dívidas (cerveja pequena em comparação a estar em um campo de concentração – eu sei!), Olhei para trás para seu trabalho e pensei sobre o que daria sentido à minha vida. Para alguns, são suas famílias – mas eu não tenho uma. Para alguns, é religião ou fé – mas embora eu acredite em algo, não é tão forte. Para alguns, é o próprio sofrimento – mas não achei que isso se aplicasse a mim. Então eu tive que ver o que era significativo para mim. Fico mais em paz e mais feliz quando estou experimentando a natureza – portanto, estar no mundo e descobrir mais dela me sustentou durante o último ano de viagem. Agora eu não posso, então, o plano B seria ficar e explorar a natureza em um lugar (que era o tema da postagem à qual você respondeu). Então aí está. Nem sempre eu sabia – era algo em que trabalhei. Festejar soa mais para você – e acho que é porque você é mais extrovertido. Conectar-se às pessoas e trazer alegria para os outros (e para você mesmo) pode ser algo que você gostaria de ver. Espero que você encontre seu caminho, você sabe que tem meu apoio!