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Good to see you back here Joe, though it is tough that you have gambled again. You are not stupid. You have an addiction and that will lead you to gambling if you let your guard down.
You don’t say how you gambled – did you by-pass the on-line blocks you set up – if so you need to strengthen these. If you are now on your own you will need to get good support for yourself. It is easy to think, “if I have a bet I won’t hurt anyone except myself.” Does anyone close to you know about your gambling, that can support you? If not consider talking to your GP about counseling, or visiting a GA or similar group locally.
There are the groups here if you need to chat about what is going on. That might help to identify triggers and keep you away from betting again. I wish you well.
I think it is really important that we look after ourselves when we are in recovery. I know I was picked up on for going to meetings with holes in my shoes – but I didn’t think I deserved anything better. A combination of low self-esteem and punishing myself for being so stupid as to gamble.
But as time went on, I realised that I wasn’t stupid to gamble – it was a combination of factors that led to an addiction – and illness that I needed to get better from. It wasn’t that I was a bad person – it was the behaviour that was bad not me. A bit like your child having a tantrum in a supermarket – you might hate the behaviour, but you will still love the child – perhaps more so because he or she is hurting.
So now is the time to love yourself, because you are hurting – literally from your illness, but also from the situation at home and the workload and the thoughts of what might have been had you not had that behaviour of gambling.
Yes get on with your work if you need to – but also take time for yourself when you can. Nice long soothing baths … enjoy!
Hi Faye – good to hear back from you and sorry to hear that you have had a gamble on Saturday. I think your previous gamble was also on a Saturday and I wonder if that is an issue for you?
Is there a way you could do something different on a Saturday to break the link with gambling? Maybe do something else that day, (although I think it is a working day for you?) Maybe you could book something to go to after work which will not be a trigger.
My first GA meeting was on a Saturday night in the centre of a big city and whilst others were about dressed up for bars and casinos – I was joining a group of men in a basement with only cups of tea and biscuits. But it was that, that kept me from gambling.
Wishing you well on your recovery …
Thailand eh? Well it must be warmer than here shivering at around freezing! I hope things are going well and there are no triggers for you there.
I know asking a loved one to attend a meeting, even on-line is a bit daunting and often they can’t see why THEY should do anything – but it would be helpful for your relationship going forwards. It is just a thought but maybe he would be more into reading some material from GAMANON or another organisation for familes of CGs.
Other than that – as Charles says if you could convince him to maybe look at the forum posts from the families and friends board to get a sense of what the journey of recovery could be like.
Well done on day 3 (or is it 4 now) I hope you have many more gamble free days to come.
An 11 hours flight and then a three hour bus journey – sounds like you are visiting a remote tribe or something!
Well it wasn’t the worst that could happen and you have managed to cope with it. It must be such a relief to be clean about your gambling and knowing that you don’t have to lie any more. I think sometimes loved ones are more hurt by the lying and lack of trust than they are by the gambling.
I liked the phrase “we are gonna make it through this.” By WE does that mean that he is willing to take an active part in your recovery? That would be good, both from a practical point of view in the handling of finances, watching for triggers etc. but also the emotional stance – as you will change as a person through your recovery – better from your point of view, but for him it may be like being with a different person. He might need to learn to change and adapt to the new you – and need support for himself in this.
Whatever happens I hope this is the start of your new life and enjoy the rest of your break before the mammoth journey back to civilization!
Sorry to hear of the difficulties between you and your husband – but at least things are out in the open between you and you both know what you are dealing with. He is probably as much hurt by knowing about the lying as he is about the gambling. It might be worth him looking for some support for himself – on the families and friends forum on here or through counselling – maybe you could consider couples counselling. Have you got anywhere with your GP yet?
Good that you are keeping yourself busy with other things – although you were busy enough already!!
Take good care of yourself.
Well done for taking the first step and admitting that you are a problem gambler. Well done for not gambling today.
There are barriers you can put in the way of your gambling. Barring yourself from premises or gambling sites, cutting up credit cards and just carrying the minimum amount of cash you need for day to day living. Handing your finances over to a partner if you are able to. Also keeping yourself busy – no time and no access to money means no betting.
As well as posting on the forum, you can join groups here and one-to-one support is also available. Consider getting more local support, contact helplines – GA, gamcare or talk to your GP re counseling.
It will be difficult, especially in the early days when your brain is still hardwired to gambling. But you are right; a gamble free life will mean a clear head and a happy future. I wish you well.
It sounds like it is not just you that needs to talk but also your wife. You didn’t mention if she had any support or counseling when you first stopped gambling, but it would help both of you if you tackled this together. There are support groups and a forum here for family members or Gamanon.
From your OP it sounds like your lying and hiding came before your gambling – is this right? If so was there a trigger for you getting sucked back in? Can you go back into counseling to look at these things as it was so helpful last time. I wish you well.
That is an interesting dream and your comments chimed in with my thoughts on my walk today. As you know I am selling my house and could not stop thinking about it and it reminded me of being badly in debt and going over the cost of things in my mind. Can I make ends meet and for how long?
I tried to practice mindfulness but it’s far more difficult to do when you need to.Your work and clothes could be symbols of what you have lost in the gambling mud. Clothes are the physical goods, work might stand for the internal work needed to heal. There is a school of therapy called “the work.”
I know I put off healing my hurts with gambling. I just didn’t want to tackle my low self-esteem, issues in my marriage, upset over my mother’s suicide … I know when I did start to look at these things it was like peeling an onion, more and more stuff further down. But I don’t regret my decision to tackle these things – I am more content now and excited, (and scared) about entering a new phase of my life.
Sorry for such a long post. I hope some of what I have said resonates with you and helps you to stay on track gf and move into you new life. Go well!
A compulsive gambler always loses, because we cannot stop gambling. A compulsive gambler is usually also a compulsive liar because of the shame we feel when we are caught in our addiction.
You NEED to stop gambling – put barriers in the way of gambling, bar yourself from establishments or use a blocker for gambling sites. As your girlfriend knows you have a problem, involve her in your recovery. Get her to handle your finances – just giving you a small allowance to get by on. You need support locally through GA or similar in your country or if you can get counselling.
Finally try and focus on something else you enjoy that does not involve gambling in any way. That will mean you making new habits – instead of betting when you are at a loose end.
I wish you well.
Hi Jezi – it was good to talk to you yesterday. I think having a break from your home may well help you to identify what are your triggers for gambling – then you need to make changes in order to stop the triggers from happening. I moved house!! I’m not suggesting you go that far – but I do suggest that you do as much as you can to stop being triggered – after all it is your survival and the survival of your family life that we are talking about here. Yes make sure you have good support for your return – and I look forward to hearing from you. Have a great trip!
Morning Sherrie … what you are doing is planning your New (gamble free) Life! Enjoy the day!
Hi Jezi. Sorry to hear that you have gambled. It is a devastating feeling when you have vowed never to do it again. Good to sort out going to GA and I hope that has been worth while.
When you get back from your weekend – make sure you have support around for when you get back in your familar surroundings. I hope you can post here to let us know how it went.
Here’s to a great and gamble free weekend for you and your husband!
Yes – getting into more and more debt and having to find ways of getting the money to stave off a bad situation.
Glad that you feel you can post on the forum. Would you like to say a bit more about yourself? I don’t feel we can be much help to you as we know so little!
Lets face it – you have paid for it and so you don’t need to feel guilty about it. My only concern would be that if it is linked to gambling, will they be expecting you to gamble over the weekend. Obviously this will be a no-no and you may have to explain to your husband why, if you are put into this position. But cross that bridge when you come to it.
You said, “This is another kind of fear cause of whats at stake if things go wrong.” I don’t know what is at stake (are you sure you know?) but if you can accept the worst that can happen then it might help for you to take the next step. The other thing to think about is what will happen if you keep gambling. I know for me I could only see three outcomes, being down and out – homeless; prison – if I committed a crime to get the money I needed; and death by suicide or stress caused by over work!!
Being in recovery is not a walk in the park. I still have to consider that I am not like others and there are places I can’t go because I might be triggered. I’m still dealing with debts many years after stopping actively gambling and I often have thoughts of what might have been if I had not caught the gambling bug. But being in recovery is a WHOLE lot better than actively gambling and far, far better than the outcomes I outlined earlier.
I hope you have a great time away!