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It really reminded me of the madness I experienced before I made the commitment to stop gambling.
You ask “what is wrong with me?” I wonder if it has to do with your commitment. Nowhere in your posts do I see that you have taken the basic advice from this site – ie. you have banned yourself from places where you gamble, you have restricted the use of your own finances or turned them over to a trusted relative or friend, that you have sought support from self- help or counselling. Maybe I have missed something. I know people have done the three things above and still manage to gamble – but at least that shows a commitment.
I believe that you are worth more than worrying about where the next few pounds are coming from and how the pay day loan is going to be paid back. I believe your family have had enough pain in seeing what you are going through.
I said in an earlier post that I treated gambling like an allergy that was going to kill me – others maybe able to indulge, but not me. You also have the allergy. You also need to take it seriously so that you don’t become its victim. Commit to stopping gambling – take the basic first few practical steps and let us know how you go on. I wish you well.
I think it is what we need to do when we are healing – so don’t worry about taking to bed. Like the idea of retraining urges with laughter. Hope you find some good youtube clips! Have a great Sunday!
Look after yourself and don’t be hard on yourself. Remember that you are in recovery and need to take things gently. I hope you feel better tomorrow and are able to enjoy the rest of the weekend.
I liked your comment: “they’re like waves. They come and they go.” I’d bet you’d like to wave them goodbye though!
Here’s a thought – if the “urge” is our brain’s way of signalling that it wants us to gamble – how about training it to do something different. So each time we get the urge we then do a dance – or beat up a pillow – or sing a song -play some music. Do something that connects the “urge” to something else – so as to retrain our synapses.
I’m saying “we” because I realise I don’t get the gambling urge anymore. I’m not sure when it went – but I certainly don’t miss it. I’ve never tried out this idea myself – but I guess it’s worth a go. I’d pick one response and keep doing it so to retrain your brain. Let me know if you try it and how you go on.
It was painful to read your story and to hear that you are still suffering. I know you say you don’t want to burden your family, but you do need support from people who are around you – and who care about you. If you are in the UK you may wish to contact the people here to see if any support can be given by Gordon Moody Association. I will be thinking of you.
Didn’t someone travel the world in that time? No – only joking! 80 days is a really great achievement. Enjoy your gambling free time.
It really can. When you get paid – make sure that you pay all your bills first and then try and ensure that you carry as little as possible with you. I had to look after my own money and I know how difficult it is … so tempting to think that just one note will not make much difference and could be used to gamble with and maybe help my situation. It won’t. It never did and it is just the gamble talking.
The only think that worked for a while was to carry virtually no money at all – then when I was tempted I needed to do something to get at it. That put a block in my way and made me think about things. It took time but eventually the “gambling me” got the message.
Keep posting – we are with you.
It was good to read about your progress. Sad that in trying to cancel your casino membership you then gambled, but is cancelled now. Great that you get on so well with your counsellor, I think that makes such a positive difference. I wonder if you have tried to contact GA? Be good to get updates on your progress. I wish you well.
Hi Jezi – just checking in on you as you haven’t posted for a few days. I hope all is well. Looking forward to new posts from you. I’ve even posted on my “own” thread!
If there’s no money involved then it aint gambling. I guess it could put you in the mood to gamble (if you had a winning streak) but that never happened to me and I guess not you either. Glad you had fun and hope you get better soon.
That at the time of selling my house – my debt had risen to nearly 40K of which 36 was to credit cards and the rest friends. All are now paid back.
I think I would have done things differently. And I wouldn’t presume to give anyone advice on financial matters as I am so cr*p at that sort of stuff – except to say talk to experts.
My story … When I decided to stop gambling in the late 90s I was around 20K in debt. This didn’t seem to go down – even though I was stopped – I think partly to interest rates (most of it was on credit cards) and because I was spending so much in petrol getting to GA meetings all over the place (I tried for one a night at one point.) However I did have a mortgage which I was keeping up payments with – and as I had a good secure job in Local Government – I didn’t worry too much.
Ten years down the line and I have reduced my debt to around £10K – mainly by working evenings on top of my day job. I decided to leave work and go self-employed and quickly found various jobs which meant I was working 7 days a week – but all were either temporary or freelance. Then love appeared – over the internet and it was a long distance relationship. Very long distance – like 6000 miles. She came to the UK first and of course I had to go there and … well it was expensive to say the least. Also to get her into the UK – I had to prove I had a full-time permanent job so I could support her without recourse to public funds. So bang goes all the freelance contracts I had set up and once again I joined local government. By now I was struggling to make the payments on my credit cards – so decided to re-mortgage my house. In this way I was able to keep my head above water and support E***** until she found work (which luckily she did quite quickly.)
Then I found out that she was cheating on me – which was awful in itself, but this was after she had sworn that she wasn’t and so all trust was lost. I asked her to move out and carried on solo – but I soon sank into depression and had to take time off work. Over a few years I was down to half salary and had stopped taking on “extra” work – so my income fell. Then I was offered voluntary severance with a modest payout so took it and took some time out.
After a few months – my debt was still increasing and I tried to sell some of my “stuff” to pay it off. I enjoyed selling some of the books I had and decided to make this a career – so went full-time with it, but made very little money. I was still paying my mortgage though and the value of my house had gone up – so although I was in crisis cashflow wise I was at least asset rich. The book business went downhill fast and I was rescued several times but friends helping out with loans and a PPI payout.
I ended up with 2 options – either sell and use the money to pay off all my debt and then do the travelling I wanted to do – or take out equity release which would have paid off most – but not all my debt and then try and keep my head above water until retirement (in 4 years time.) It really was a no brainer.
So here I am – with money in the bank but no home. Only time will tell if I have made the right decision. I hope some of this might help you with your situation.
Your triggers are a lot more thoughtful than mine – which would have taken the form of “I was in a pub, bored I saw a slot machine and before I knew what I was doing I was playing it.” But then you do mention boredom as one of your triggers … knowing where that comes from makes you special.
I wonder if you have read the book “Man’s search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Don’t let the sexism of the title put you off – it is a translation. Frankl was in several concentration camps during the war and wrote the book on his release. One of the quotes is “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Anyway looking at your list – I can identify with most of them. Not the bullying, but being passed over for promotion (probably because I wan’t presenting myself very well – having spent money on machines instead of good clothes etc.) And certainly the debt – which in my case went on for nearly 20 years and has only recently been paid off by the sale of my home.
I feel I have come through the journey of addiction (though I am aware that I am only as clean as my next bet) and I am sure that you can too. It may look bleak now but … I was going to say one day at a time (too cliched?) You have a lot going for you, a lot of unrealised potential – now you have stopped gambling it is time to heal and then make the most of your future life.
For a compulsive gambler – 6 months is quite a milestone and you must be pleased that you have made it.
You wrote: “My brain is wondering why, after so many months, I have not had a dose of the slot chemicals … my brain thinks it being deprived and I often feel sick from a kind of withdrawal.”
I think you need a chat with your brain – or at least write it a stiffly worded letter saying that you are more than just a brain, you are a wonderful being with a personality, body, spirit and creativity that you are not going to put at risk just for a few moments of adrenaline fix. Seriously, I hope you have reached the point where you can see that you don’t need the self-harm that gambling causes – you are worth more than that.
So at your 6 month anniversary, treat all parts of yourself – look into what you want to do with your new, non-gambling life, what are the first steps that you can take and tell your brain that you want it to get you to new places – not take you back to the old. I wish you well.
Yes of course you will be feeling emotions. Gambling serves to keep emotions at bay – especially the ones we don’t feel comfortable with.
I felt lots of anger and regret at first. Mainly anger at myself for being so stupid. My father was a gambler, so I knew all about the damage it could do. Gambling has always existed, but like everything else modernity has found new ways of extracting the most from us. I used to get a pillow from my bed and pound it good and proper – pretending it was the gambling industry or a particular establishment. It usually felt good, cathartic – and sometimes brought up insights for me when I had calmed down.
Working with your horse will be good, great to get back to natural things instead of the unnatural gambling. Have a good Sunday and best St. Patrick’s Day blessings from Ireland.