[Steev]

of my post above. I would edit it out but there seems to be no way of doing that when it is a first post.

[Steev]

I know you are having a hard time right now and so it is perhaps not the right time to say this … but I was alerted by just one word in your last post – “Maybe.”

You said, “When I start saving again. Maybe i wkll give my family my money to hold.” And that one little word “maybe” sums up for me what it is like to be a compulsive gambler. Because “maybe” gives me room to manoeuvre – “maybe” gives me the opportunity to wriggle and squirm and wheedle my way out of a committment. I know how hard it is to let go of the tools for gambling – money and access, but you have experienced in a devastating way what can happen if we continue to make it easy to get hold of both. I think I have said enough …

I started with GA when I was 31. It took me about 10 years to stay stopped … that seems a long time but the good news is that each time I “slipped” I did less damage than the time before. I always came back – I tried to learn from the slips, what my triggers are and what barriers I needed to put in place. I am now (more or less) 20 years gambling free – so it can be done. I am less than one year debt free though.

What I hear through your post is the frustration of not being able to chase your losses – please don’t, don’t make things worse than they already are. For a start get rid of that “maybe.” I wish you well.

[Steev]

Some of your comments really spoke to me of my situation when I was gambling. The earning good money but driving a wreck of a car. Co-workers wondering how someone on a good salary can’t afford decent clothes or a good haircut. Holding down a full time job and then working in the evening, just to keep my head above water. Coming home to an empty place because a) I am too busy working to meet anyone b) I can’t afford to entertain anyway c) who would want to be with a depressed gambler …

That was me 20 years ago – I am in a very different place today.

So what must you do:

Firstly – if you are having suicidal thoughts – speak to someone. There will probably be a helpline locally through Befrienders International or the Samaritans.

Secondly – As Running Girl has said – bar yourself from the places where you gamble. Cut off your access to money except for essentials – make it as difficult as possible to gamble.

Thirdly – you said you came to this site before but didn’t take it seriously. DO SO THIS TIME. Treat stopping gambling as a life or death situation – you had suicidal thoughts! You are not happy with your life – it can be changed, it doesn’t need to end. I read somewhere that a lot of people who attempt suicide are trying to end the life they are living … not their total future.

So start putting as much energy into your recovery as you can. There are loads of resources here – check out the groups, one-to-one, other forum posts. Connect with self-help groups locally – usually GA but there may be others. Find self-help groups which generally help with problems (not just gambling) this might be co-counseling, gestalt groups, CBT (there is a SMART online group which some on here have found useful,) Mindfulness. Speak to a medical practitioner to see if there is counseling available in your area.

There is a wealth of support out there for you – make use of it. I wish you well.

[Steev]

For your comments … Meghna – I will work on the next part of my story soon – even today! RG – yes I have read the book “Your money or your life” – I think at the point when I was self-employed and making very little – it was one of the things that helped me to make the break.

So, I am writing this post in a tiny self-contained apartment within someone else’s house. The view outside is of a brick wall – although I know beyond that there are stunning views of the city. Yesterday I visited a friend who is pet-sitting for a living. She was at the house of one of her clients who was paying her to look after 1 cat. The house was 4 or 5 bedrooms, a gorgeous spiral wooden staircase, 2 bathrooms in its own grounds in an exclusive, quiet part of town. A couple own it and are on holiday in the Caribbean at present. Now perhaps if I hadn’t gambled – I might have been able to afford somewhere like that. Perhaps, who knows? But although I felt a pang of jealously – it soon passed. I am happy enough in my little pad – connecting to people on line. My friend has given me my microwave back for a week as there isn’t one here – and there is no TV!

The strange thing is that I feel really happy about the situation – one (I guess) that would get many people down – especially as the house I sold had spectacular views over the countyside (it’s main selling point.) That is gone now. It helps that at the end of the month I will be in London – getting the train through the channel tunnel for the first time to go to Brussels – and then to 8 different cities in Germany including Hamburg and Berlin – and then on into France …

Doing what I have always wanted to do is scary and bewildering. There is still part of me that feels I don’t deserve this. But then, I never wanted a life based on standing in front of slot machines. I never wanted a life based on working 8 hour days and then teaching for 3 hours in the evening just to pay the bills. I never wanted a life based on being in offices with no windows – only seeing real daylight for part of a 30 minute lunch break.

And I know the latter is the work reality for lots of people – not just gamblers – people do it because they need to make ends meet for all sorts of reasons. But I know I was doing it because in the past I gave my money (and borrowed / future money) to unknown corporations that bleed gamblers dry. I’m not proud of that – I am proud that my gambling has stopped and if I can help other people do the same by telling my story, well …

So when you are struggling to keep gambling free, or if you feel like the fight with the addiction is not worth it, remember that YOU can do what YOU really want with your life. You can. It won’t be easy and perhaps it shouldn’t be – but most of the obstacles are within ourselves and with support we can overcome them.

Oh and I will post the next part of my gambling history … soon!

[Steev]

I somehow missed your answer to me on this thread and am only now catching up. I had realised I hadn’t seen you in chat for a while and was worried it might be because of health issues. Have you had a diagnosis or are you still awaiting one? I hope all that you are doing works well.

Buying a microwave made me smile – as I am back in England in an Airbnb and there is no TV or microwave here. I am missing the microwave more! I’m even thinking of buying one – which would be silly because I am only here for a week.

Anyways I will make a note to myself to check your thread more often and apologies again for missing you. Hopefully speak soon.

[Steev]

The reasons why we gamble (and gamble compulsively) are not simple and are a combination of brain physiology, past experiences, genetics and family history (and probably other stuff as well.) It will also be different for different people. The important thing is to recognise that we are people who cannot gamble “normally” and we cannot trust ourselves to stop.

I firmly believe that I cannot gamble on slots again because if I do I will go back into a cycle of losing, finding money to gamble with (probably using up savings and then getting deep into debt) getting more and more desperate. I have known gamblers who have ended up on the streets, in prison and even killed themselves – not from the gambling – but from having to deal with the havoc that the gambling has created. I stopped gambling on slots (apart from 2 or 3 “slips”) some 20 years ago – and yet I only paid off my debts earlier this year. Worrying about whether I can meet my bills, week after week, month after month, has taken its toll on my health and has meant that I have not been able to lead the life I wanted. I say this not so I will get a “poor soul” response – but to warn people of the long term consequences of gambling.

The time to stop gambling is now.

So block yourself from all the places both on and off line where you are likely to gamble. Cut yourself off from access to large sums of money (getting someone else to handle it, if you can) and get great support for yourself – from friends, family if you have any, from self-help groups locally (GA) and on the net (here in groups and the forum – or check out SMART,) counselling etc.

My advice to myself has always been to put as much effort into recovery as I did into my gambling. I have survived this addiction – I am sure, with effort, that you can too.

[Steev]

You have a choice in how you think about things. You can choose to look back and see how things have messed up – or you can choose to look forward to a gambling free life.

I know it is not easy – but the past is done with and cannot be changed, it may feel like a nightmare but in reality you are here and now surviving and it is just your thoughts that are pulling you down. So change them. If you are finding that hard to do – talk to someone and if you are seriously finding hard to go on – talk to a help-line (Samaritans if you are in the UK) or your GP.

You are young with a family to enjoy over the years. Focus on looking after them (not forgetting yourself) and working on your recovery by writing here and / or on chat. Take care of yourself – you are important.

[Steev]

If so – it feels like you are gaining a lot from them.

My only query would be the 20 minutes – I would struggle with the “should I / shouldn’t I conundrum for hours at a time.

Still I agree with a lot of what you say. I have a friend who has a dig at me whenever I meet her – whether it be my drinking or my eating the wrong stuff or my staying up too late in the evenings. I still see it as “nagging” – but I have come to realise that it comes from a genuine concern for me – and that is the only way in which she knows to express it. I guess it was what happened in her family … whereas in mine, if my parents were concerned – they didn’t voice it. Often they didn’t show it – which might be how I come over!

Anyways – I hope things are turning for you and you continue to learn about yourself. Go well my friend.

[Steev]

I wasn’t sure where to begin with my forum post – so thought I’d tell my gambling story – but there is so much! Anyways in a while I will go onto my real gambling problem time which I hinted at in my first post.

I’m not sure whether to do that here or on another thread – what’s the etiquette?

I think when I was a child, I saw all of my problems as being from a starting point of “I am poor.” The bullying for not having the right uniform at school, not being able to go anywhere. No holidays (is that why I am travelling the world now?) When I started earning money and having more than I knew what to do with – I felt guilty, as if I didn’t deserve it. Of course I had no family history of how to save – I didn’t learn the value of money. So as long as all the immediate bills were paid – anything else was available to do what I liked – and I liked to gamble. In a sense I carried my childhood into my adult life – and had to shake free of this “need” to remain poor. Even now I feel uncomfortable if I spend more than I “need” to – giving myself a treat is a battle. I am hoping that travelling and being out of my comfort zone will help me to grow up. I need to, I am in my 60s after all!

[Steev]

Well done for going 3 or 4 months without gambling. I found it hard not to gamble every day … but we are all different. I guess if you are gambling occasionally, then it makes sense to look at what is causing you to go out drinking and then gambling and end these behaviours. If you have some money left could you afford to go for counselling to look into this? If not – you may be able to access free counselling depending in which country you are in. Other than that there may be support groups locally that could help.

It would be easy to say – don’t drink and then you won’t gamble – but I know how difficult this is at times. Perhaps when you know you are going for a drink – only take the money you need to get by – no extra money means you will not be able to gamble. Keep cards etc at home. Try and bar yourself from the casinos – this is usually possible. I am sure others with follow with more suggestions. Keep strong and take care.

[Steev]

Good to hear that you have made the decision to stop gambling and have taken some steps – like admitting you have a problem both to us and to yourself – and that you have blocked yourself from some sites. It will not be an easy journey as many on here will tell you. It would be well to block yourself from the other outlets as soon as you can whilst your willpower is still strong.

Can you get good support for yourself in these early days? You can contact one-to-one here -or there may be professional or self-help groups locally. Do you get support for you alcohol problem? Maybe the same people can advise on gambling …

Other things to do are to keep yourself as busy as possible with non-gambling activities and minimise any money you have access to. No time and no money means no bets!

I hope to see you post again soon. Go well.

[Steev]

You said, “I feel lonely, because i used to gamble for hours a day… ”
This puzzled me because I never found gambling to be a social experience. I know there are different forms of gambling but even when we are in company (as in a betting shop or a casino) we are still very much on our own with what we are doing.
I wondered if you saw gambling as your friend – whom you have now abandoned for a new life. If so, then I would be looking to replace that friendship with another – either find friends with the same (non gambling interests) as you have – or indeed make friends from other non-gamblers through local groups. Loneliness could become a trigger for you and I would try and eliminate as much of those as possible.
You say you are really busy – is this with work. Make time for the things that you left behind when you took up gambling – get out away from the on-line environment if you can.
It is great to see you being positive and I hope you can continue to enjoy your gamble free life.

[Steev]

It is great that you have come here and that you recognise that for compulsive gamblers – gambling is NOT fun. Also that we lose the value of money (and it takes some time to get that back.) I hope you have got good support for yourself. I know the early days are the hardest.

Just one thing – don’t push yourself to pay off your debts too quickly. It can be a trigger if money gets really tight or if you are so keen to be debt free that you forget to give yourself non-gambling treats occasionally.

Keep posting and being so positive!

[Steev]

So good to hear your news – and did you notice something?

No mention of gambling whatsoever!

I think that’s great – you seem to be getting on with and enjoying the things that matter to you. I hope as the days get warmer and longer that you can wear more and more dresses and your training goes well for the long run.

Take good care of yourself!

[Steev]

Well done on your recovery – I recognise that slump feeling. I think I have told this gambling tale before but it is worth retelling.

One of my last “slips” happened when I was in a pub I didn’t know and feeling bored. I saw the slot machine and without really thinking about it I was playing. After a few wins and putting the winnings back in I had spent all my spare cash, (still only carrying a minimum) and my mind was churning with thoughts about leaving it when it is just about to pay out, where could I get some money from – where is the nearest cashpoint? Then it hit me. I WASN’T BORED ANYMORE. Gambling had created some sort of “meaning” for me – at this time. But it was “meaning” I didn’t need – self-inflicted suffering. I walked away but remembered the lesson.

So I think there are two things to consider. First – what is it that gives your life meaning? Family, learning, being creative? Second – getting used to that slump feeling, because THAT is the feeling of being without the highs and lows of gambling. That is where things like mindfulness and meditation can come in – to learn to take life at a gentler pace.

I spent part of today (a Public Holiday in Ireland where I am at the moment) in a forest. I was hoping to see some red squirrels but they are very shy and elusive. Still I sat for over an hour – watching patiently and seeing the bird-life and the insects etc. I wasn’t bored. Two families came past me – one with children and a football – they weren’t bored. The other family looked bored – it was the thing to do on a Holiday but I think they would have rather been somewhere else.
Same environment but different attitudes to it. Hell some people even find gambling boring!
I think I have gabbled enough. Here’s to your 60 days and many more gf days to come.

[Author]

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