[Steev]

I know that this is your decision and yours alone – but you have been here so many times over the last few months – worrying about whether you will survive until pay day – how many more times do you want to do this?  And of course the big question is – what happens if you don’t survive?  I would at least have the discussion and you can make a final decision from there.  Of course I wish you well whatever happens.

[Steev]

which is … do you think you are a problem gambler? Do you think your gambling is compulsive and is ruining your life?

You say you can control some types of gambling. You also said that you have been gamble free for 6 months (well done for that,) but was that all gambling or just the football on-line stuff? I think it is important because if you stop one type of gambling – how do you know you are not going to become compulsive elsewhere? What would your girlfriend say if she finds out you are in debt from gambling AND that you are still gambling. You might argue that it is a different type of gambling but I can guarantee she will not see it that way.

So, if you feel you have a gambling problem – then the answers as to what to do about it are here in the forum and on other parts of the site. Or do you want to see if you can continue and to see what your rock bottom is, possibly getting much deeper into debt and losing a lot of the things which are important to you including your relationship.

We don’t NEED gambling in our lives. Even “soft” gambling like doing the lottery or taking part in a raffle – may seem like harmless fun – but we can choose to take a stand and say no to them … and what difference will it make to us? Virtually none at all. Okay we will have to give up the idea of the big win – but that is all it was, an idea. Your job, your house, your relationship are all real – not ideas. Don’t put them at risk for the sake of keeping your hand in. Make a decision now.

[Steev]

I am going to write a series of posts on underlying reasons / problems which caused me to gamble – which I hope will be of use to those struggling to stay stopped.

I thought about posting them on this thread – but I think it might be better to put them in the “recovery tools” part of the forum – which might then get more use. I will keep this thread for my day to day comments.

So the first underlying problem of boredom has been posted. I will now work on some ideas about chasing losses – which I think was the biggest factor in my going back again and again.

[Steev]

Thanks Chris – I don’t think I have ever been called a rock before!

[Steev]

is that you can’t edit it. But if I could, I would have added some stuff to the first story. To perhaps point out my errors – not checking first that the pub was not machine free. Sitting opposite a machine where I was going to be interested. The positive block was still carrying very little cash with me – so that I had to think about getting more money without too much damage being done (I think I lost around ten pounds) and of course it was then that I realised that boredom was the trigger. This was a valuable lesson and well worth a tenner. This was my last ever gamble.

Another important point I missed is to say that gambling can quite often start as a positive solution to another problem. I WAS bored when I was in a bedsit in a strange town where I knew no-one. I WAS too shy to make friends – I DID need something to keep my brain occupied – I can see why I was gambling. I had to learn to solve those problems (the shyness, the boredom, the keeping occupied) in different ways. Whilst I was gambling I was just putting those problems on hold – I hadn’t solved them. More on this when I look at other underlying reasons for gambling …

[Steev]

é que você não pode editá-lo. Mas se pudesse, teria acrescentado algumas coisas à primeira história. Talvez para apontar meus erros – não verificar primeiro se o bar não estava livre de máquinas. Sentado em frente a uma máquina onde eu estaria interessado. O bloco positivo ainda carregava muito pouco dinheiro comigo – de modo que tive que pensar em conseguir mais dinheiro sem causar muitos danos (acho que perdi cerca de cinco libras) e é claro que foi então que percebi que o tédio era o desencadear. Esta foi uma lição valiosa e valeu a pena dezesseis. Esta foi a minha última aposta. Outro ponto importante que esqueci é dizer que o jogo muitas vezes pode começar como uma solução positiva para outro problema. Fiquei entediado quando estava em um dormitório em uma cidade estranha onde não conhecia ninguém. Eu era muito tímido para fazer amigos – eu precisava de algo para manter meu cérebro ocupado – posso ver por que estava jogando. Tive de aprender a resolver esses problemas (timidez, tédio, me manter ocupado) de maneiras diferentes. Enquanto eu estava jogando, estava apenas colocando esses problemas em espera – eu não os tinha resolvido. Mais sobre isso quando eu olhar para outras razões subjacentes para o jogo …

[Steev]

which I read recently is to buy gift cards for supermarkets when you reach payday – maybe one for each week. And then use these to get food and essentials with throughout the month. As these can’t be used for gambling or to get cash for gambling it is a good way of ensuring that you get fed and watered for the month. As to the bank card thing – the reason I suggested scratching off the digits was to prevent them being read again. I found carrying a lot of cash to be dangerous – but we are all different.

[Steev]

I know it is tempting to look at blaming the gambling industry for our addiction – but please concentrate on yourself and your own recovery at this point.

You wrote: “I have been feeling down about all the money I have lost and trying to figure out how I can earn or get the money back because now my bills are starting to get the better of me. I genuinely do not want to gamble again …”

So please do not chase losses – it sounds like it was chasing losses that put you here this month – and if you keep doing what you are doing you will sink further and further. Banning yourself from gambling sites is a great first step. Handing control of your money to a trusted family member will be another. You stated that you don’t have money to pay the bills and the mortgage – does your wife live with you – is she not affected by this? If you hand over control (and I know that will be hard) at least you will know that you will not lose your home etc.

The other thing would be to get support for the next few days / weeks when things will be difficult. If you can find a self-help group like GA or if you can access counselling or group therapy to share what you are going through. Finally see if you can get good unbiased financial advice to help you through the crisis you are in. Again GA or similar may help – or you could try ringing a crisis line – such as befrienders in your area.

I hope you can focus on your own recovery and find a way through this. I wish you well.

[Steev]

So there you have it – I think I am up to date now. Right now – I am writing this in a conference centre in middle Germany, ready to start a week of co-counselling and working on my issues – STILL – after all this time. But I will also get to meet and chill with friends. I may not have as much time as usual to respond to posts – so please bear with me. Hope you are all enjoying a great gambling free time.

[Steev]

I think – “I have a gambling problem,” is pretty direct.  It is good to let people know and it will help in the future I am sure.  Yes  keep as busy as you can.  One thing that can help is voluntary work – even if it is only for a few days.  If you do something that might be helpful in your future career and / or something that is fun to do – then it is a good way of spending time and you may make new friends!  Just ensure that there is no gambling around!  Have a good gambling free week and well done on your 3 days!

[Steev]

You don’t have to wait until you move to learn languages.  There are plenty of sites on-line which are free and some universities around the world have free courses too.  I am currently trying to improve my French with DuoLingo and I have used courses with Future learn as well.  I believe you can find other people on the community part of italki who will swop time with you on Skype so that they can learn your language in exchange for you learning theirs … Go to the community tab – rather than paying for a teacher.  That might be a great way of meeting friends on-line but could get costly if you get whisked off to Brazil.

[Steev]

but you really need to start your own thread – if you want to get replies from people.  Your comment will be a bit lost here.  In the meantime, read around the site – there are a lot of answers here.

[Steev]

I’m not sure if I have to key to success but I have not gambled for several years and if you take out the two or three slips along the way – then I have not gambled for over 20 years. Of course I could gamble again next week – but I doubt it.

I will write more on my own thread – but admitting to others that I had a problem with gambling DID make a difference and I think you need all the tools you can use to beat this. For the gambler – gambling is the whole world – it is an enormous part of our lives.  Other people hardly think about it – so when you tell someone, thinking it is a big thing, they will probably go – “oh ok then.”

As for GA – it is not for everyone. I was attending very regularly for several years and it slowed my gambling right down, at one point I was clean for 3 years. If I was gambling compulsively I would be back there like a shot. Again, the only way to find out if it will work for you is to try it. I mean really try it – not just go once and not take anything in … try three or four meetings in different locations if you can – they are all different. People do stop with using other support, counselling, other addiction sites, but GA is tailored for gamblers and there is a wealth of experience in the rooms. You say you have tried to stop 100s of times – so obviously what you have been doing hasn’t worked – maybe it is time to step outside your comfort zone?

[Steev]

It has been over a week since you last posted and I just wanted to check that everything was okay.
Be good to hear from you!

[Steev]

and thank you for expressing your thoughts.
I read your account with interest – for such a young person you have obviously done some analysis of your situation.
To answer your questions – should you tell close friends? Part of the gambling psyche is to keep things as secret as possible – so admitting we are gamblers not just to ourselves but to others is something that we are encouraged to do. Yes they may just shrug and not take it any further – but it will also help you to remember that you are “different” from others and when you say that you don’t want to join them in a casino or racetrack – you then don’t have to explain why.

As regards GA – emailing or phoning to speak to someone first is a good first step. I spoke to someone on the phone before my first meeting and it helped to give me the confidence to go (and to help me see that I belonged there!) That is different to a sponsor though – I think a sponsor is someone you have a longer relationship with, within the fellowship and should be someone you choose when you have got to know people a bit better.
Therapy? Having professional support can be life-changing – but again I feel the relationship is the key, so you may want to shop around if you can. It will help to look at some of the underlying issues and be another tool in your recovery.
Stopping gambling is the beginning of the journey, staying stopped is more difficult and that is where the support will be needed. You have made a great start by coming here and telling us your story. I hope you can get the support to move forwards.

[Author]

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