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And as Chris says the best you can do it to learn from it. You know now that even winning will lead to more gambling – so chasing losses was not the problem – chasing winnings? You also know that just being in a casino was too much. You need to be clear to friends that you do not gamble and therefore going to a casino is not for you.
Soon you will have a new life – deliberately make that a gamble free life. There are people out there who do not gamble, not because they have a problem with it, but for moral reasons. Maybe they do not want to support the gambling industry. Maybe they have been hurt by gambling in the family are ex-partners of or children of problem gamblers. Maybe they don’t gamble for religious or ethical reasons – that in order for me to win at gambling means that others have to lose – so that I am complicit in their misery.
The point that I am trying to make is that when you have your new life – people don’t need to know the reason for you not gambling – just be firm that gambling is not for you.
I wish you well.
Hi Idi. Glad that the first session went well and that you felt held. I felt like writing “of course you matter.” It seems obvious to me. I know all about having a negative view of myself so I have empathy with you on that one.
I hope the future sessions will help you to move away from your old “gambling life” into a new life and you find the peace and stability that you hope for and so deserve. Go well.
the ins and outs of the situation – but I did understand the last couple of sentences.
Worry seems a weird thing. It doesn’t help the situation – in fact it often makes it worse, but we can’t help but worry sometimes.
I worried when I was badly in debt. Two things helped – first coming to terms with the situation – getting the facts (if I couldn’t pay the mortgage what then) and then coming to terms with the outcome. What is the worst that could happen? Are you certain that would be the outcome? If so can you come to terms with that – and hope for something better?
The other thing that helped was mindfulness – practicing this technique did quieten the little voice in my head which kept saying “what if …” Though I still say that it is more difficult to get mindfulness to work when you really need it!
Time will help though.Remember that all this is an emotional response to what has happened. Logically, gambling will also not help the situation in any way – but our emotional mind will say “it wasn’t fair – I need to do something to take my mind off things – like gambling” As you say the answer is “hell no!”
I hope things go well for you.
Wow – 2 years gamble free is a great achievement – well done you!
You know it’s a funny thing but since I have started travelling I have hardly played any freecell – it is as if that pathway in my brain has been switched off. My “go to” thing is Duo Lingo now – which I don’t mind as I need to improve my languages anyway.
Of course I can’t say what it is that you are putting off thinking about and maybe you do need that computer game at the moment but if you get the chance of looking into yourself – what does that computer game do for you? What is it there for and who would you be if you no longer had it? It might be something to journal about. Enjoy your gf anniversary – do something wonderful!
Admitting I had a problem with gambling was not something I could do whilst I was still gambling. It got easier to admit about it as a past problem – perhaps because I then could be seen as someone who was doing something about it. From where you are now – I would not feel able to admit it to my bosses.
Although I think I could admit to something like stress – which is less specific and affects a lot of people in professional jobs. Perhaps if you could get your doctor to sign you off for a couple of weeks with that – it would cover you and would not be that far from the truth – gambling is a sign of stress and is itself stressful.
Glad you are feeling positive.
As I said in group – I think what you are doing is brave and brilliant and gambling is a health problem so you shouldn’t feel the need to take unpaid leave. So what would I do?
First I would talk to GMA about it, as I (would guess,) not be the first with this dilemma and they may know what others have done about it.
Second – I would get a copy of my employer’s sickness policy to see if there is any regs / instructions on this already. I might even contact my union to get their take on the matter (for a friend and confidentially of course.)
Third – check with my GP whether they would issue a sick note to cover, given my situation (this would mean coming clean with them though)
Fourth – if it came to it, I might ask for a confidential meeting with someone in HR (possibly taking my union rep) to discuss taking the time out without disclosing to my immediate boss – but by then I may have decided to take unpaid leave anyway as an easier option … BUTWould you have to give a reason to apply for unpaid leave anyway? I know when I wanted to go to Brazil to get married and had used all my paid leave up, I had to go to a meeting and declare my reason for wanting the unpaid leave before it was given – especially as a small part of it was in term time. They did give it – provided I showed them the wedding pics (presumably as that was proof that I wasn’t just having an extra holiday!)
Anyways – not an easy decision. I hope you come up with what is right for you. Wishing you well.Believe me – it will be fine.
Gambling – even when we are in recovery is one of the biggest things in our lives – but most of our friends hardly ever think about it. The reaction will be much less than you fear … probably the facebook equivalent of a shrug. Hopefully your friends will be supportive – why shouldn’t they be?
The important thing is that you have done it – and it will be a relief that others close to you know. It will also help cement your new identity as a “former gambler,” or whatever phrase feels right for you – as you will think twice about gambling as it will conflict with how you see yourself now. Think of it as another barrier in the way.
Treat yourself tonight or tomorrow … you deserve it!telling friends will help in all sorts of ways. I have just been reading a thread where someone talks of being taken to the casino by friends and starting up gambling again. If your friends know – they are less likely to take you in the first place and if they should ask – if they do know it is easier to explain why going there is not a good idea for you.
Also friends can shore you up when you are feeling urges and maybe take you out to other (non gambling) places.I think you have done really well in the past few months and have got on with your life despite the withdrawal from gambling. Take things at a pace that feels right to you, like you say being too stressed can be a trigger – but also taking things too easy (so you become bored) can be a trigger as well so finding the right balance is crucial.
I was also a perfectionist when it came to getting grades – and then I realised that it was a trait akin to wanting to win more when gambling. Unless it is really necessary to get where you want to be – let it go. Just passing a course when you have been dealing with a devious addiction is a real achievement that you should be proud of. I hope your grade makes you proud and I wish you well for the future.
Let me get this right … what you are saying is that you go to the casino with friends every 6 months or so and you spend money expecting to lose it – and once you have lost it you stop – and you would say that you are gambling free …
Hmmmm.
Instead of just handing your money over to some of the richest people on the planet – why don’t you, every 6 months or so, go to the local soup kitchen and give your money to them. Or indeed, why don’t you just keep the money for when you might need it in the future. Then you WOULD be gambling free.
Sorry to be harsh – but as a compulsive gambler I would NOT be able to stop once I lost the “intended” money for gambling and it would screw my brain over, just being there. I might even get away with this on a few occasions (assuming I had the money to give to the casino operator) but eventually I would crack. But maybe you are different.Low points do kick in. I’ve not gambled for 8 years or so and I still get low at times. What helps is remembering that I’ve been there before and that these feelings pass. What also helps doing things that will lift your spirits – whatever that is for you. For me it is music and certain comedies – but we are all different.
No friends must be difficult for you and I would suggest that you look for ways to make some contact. As gamblers we are not good at friends because we feel shame at what we do. When I was gambling, I would not let anyone come to my place because of the mess it was in due to a) all my money going into slots and b) spending so much time gambling and earning the money to gamble that there was no time for housework.
I made friends slowly through taking courses so that I met the same group of people every week. Do something that would really interest you – it needn’t cost a lot and might even be free in some cases. Also consider voluntary work?
Thank you for posting and I wish you well.Your story really spoke to me and I wish it could be circulated more widely to show the damage that gambling can do.
You have taken a vital step in admitting to your family that you have a problem and I hope they can find the means to help out your desperate situation.
You also need to keep banning yourself from sites where you gamble and try to turn off ads that will try and seduce you back to it (I know easier said than done.)
Also get good support for yourself. Consider going to Gamblers’ Anonymous – if you are in the UK there will be a meeting near you and you can find it here … https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/
Also you may be able to access counselling from https://www.gamcare.org.uk/ and their forums etc will also be accessible to you.
Finally keep posting and letting us know how you are going on – I hope things soon pick up for you and you can get the gambling free life you deserve.I know I felt that at times when I knew I HAD to stop gambling but couldn’t.
I think it is useful to separate the behaviour we have from ourselves – so I learnt to loathe the gambling, NOT myself.
It is difficult to care for ourselves if we are full of self-loathing and care is what you need right now.
Care enough that you will put barriers in place to stop you from gambling – ban yourself from places where you could gamble and carry as little finance as possible.
When your family does find out about the scale of your losses, get them on-side to help you with this – if possible by handling your finances until you are strong enough in your recovery to take them back.
Get support locally from GA or another self-help group or seek out counselling specifically for gambling or for addiction in general. Stop the self-loathing, loathe gambling. Be kind to yourself.Now that would be good. Sometimes I have gone out with friends when I didn’t feel like it – and was glad I did. Sometimes I went out with them and wish I hadn’t. I think all you can do is what feels right for you at the time.
We all have low mood some of the time – it is natural and it will pass. We can’t always be on a high … Having said that, it is useful to look at yourself when you are having the low mood – so sort of think “oh Kolberg is pretty low this morning, I wonder what that is about?” and try and work out what is going on for you. Often I find out that what I am mistaking for feeling low – is just being in a different, quieter space and eventually that lifts and I find I need to be around people again.
Great that you are looking forwards to being with family. Great that you are having no gambling thoughts. You are doing really well. Keep strong!as most of us know what it is like to relapse time and time again. However if you are having suicidal feelings – please speak to someone as soon as possible. The Samaritans or Befrienders international https://www.samaritans.org/ https://www.befrienders.org/ will listen to you in time of crisis.
All the information you need to stop gambling is on this site and you can read in the forums about people who have succeeded in staying stopped. All I can say is that you really need to put as much effort into your recovery as you did into your gambling – so get the best support you can – try self help either GA or similar – or if you can access it counselling. Turn your finances over to your girlfriend or someone you trust, ban and bar yourself from places where you gamble and keep busy with other things. I wish you well.
If you are having suicidal thoughts – then please phone a help-line in your country or area dealing with this – you may find a link here https://www.befrienders.org/
It is up to you what you want to share with others here. We are all compulsive gamblers’ in recovery and so we will have some understanding of what you are going through. The more detail you provide, the more advice we might be able to give – although I am sure if you read around the site and the posts in the forum, you can see what actions you need to take.
They are ban yourself from places where you gamble, get someone else to handle your finances (if possible) don’t carry more money than you need, find other non-gambling ways to spend free time and get as much help and support especially in your local area as you can. I wish you well.