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Something I heard the other day might also help.
It was from a farmer’s son – and he said that he learnt that a farmer can’t just will the crops grow. All a farmer can do is make sure that the right seeds are planted in the right soil with the right conditions … In other words put all the things in place and then wait (the hard part) for the results.
I think my gambling was me just wanting the results (money) without putting any of the real effort in.I hope all goes well with your business.
Do you really know that to be true?
You said thinking, thinking – but if your brain thinks this – then there is no way forward.
I know one of my faults is to think I know it all and not ask for help when I need it, (something I am still working on.) My feeling is that if your creditors feel you are struggling and you are in danger of defaulting they would give you some wriggle room for a couple of months. That it might be useful to talk to a debt advisor or financial expert to see if there is something that you haven’t thought of that will help.
You know that gambling will not help – you know not to go there. Keep strong.
Read my response to Emma’s journal entry also!
In it I have said that one of the lessons I learnt from my many relapses is that I cannot gamble “normally” again. What it means for me is that any gamble I make is going to take me down the same path towards loss of money, dignity and hope.
So look at what the urges might be trying to tell you. Remember that you are now a non-gambler and to keep strong. Keep posting.
Emma – I think it is actually a good thing that you feel so cr*p about your relapse, after all if you were in full flow, this would just be another gambling episode – but it now feels like so much more!
Great that you have come back here, that you have identified that the gambling is a rogue behaviour and not who YOU are.I don’t feel I can advise you on what to do now – but I can share what I did in the same situation in the hope that it might be helpful to you.
So firstly, I looked at what my triggers were and how I could avoid them in the future. If I can’t avoid them, how can I move in a different way so I don’t get pulled back to the machines.
That led to me thinking about what my gambling urges were trying to tell me. If I accept that my gambling is a symptom of my distress, can I identify what my distress is and what steps I can take to work on it?So secondly, this is what I did and what the results were:
I journalled, to try and come up what was going on for me – the results …
a) I had managed to stop gambling, in one case for a number of years. Although I felt healed and a lot better in myself, I didn’t feel I had grown as a person. Specifically, I had not taken responsibility for my own life. I was still reacting to things, going with the flow, instead of making things happen. The relapses and urges were telling me that the healing stage had ended and I needed to learn how to grow.
b) My life felt meaningless. It REALLY felt meaningless when I was gambling, but the action of gambling took my mind away from that. Now I wasn’t in action I couldn’t avoid looking at it. So, what could I do which would give my life meaning?
c) If I am going to change my life in a positive way, what small steps can I start with NOW and especially put into place when I feel the urge to gamble come back. Is the gambling saying, “if you don’t move forwards, I am going to drag you back!”So in my case this gave me a starting point to living my “new life” and the small steps were getting counselling support, talking to people who were doing what I wanted to do on on-line forums and taking a course. When a new urge to gamble came (as they do) I looked at what I was avoiding at that moment and either did it, or talked to someone about what was holding me back – even if that meant ringing a helpline (this only happened a couple of times.)
Even by doing all this, I still had a couple of more “slips.” I accepted them as part of my recovery and learnt from them that, a) I will always be a recovering gambler and cannot bet normally (whatever that means!) and b) I cannot afford to put myself into situations where the urge to gamble may be stronger than I can deal with.
To sum up, you could try journalling and dialoguing with yourself and your gambling demon to find out what they want. You could find a counsellor who would support you in this if you didn’t want to go it alone. It’s just a suggestion and I hope you find it useful. Whatever you decide, keep strong and go well.
I am touched by your honesty. We do only turn for help when we reach a rock bottom – I know that was true for me.
You have done one of the four things that I feel we need to do in order to stop. You have lost access to the places of bet ting. The others are losing access to finance to bet with, losing access to time (keeping busy with other things) and getting good support for yourself.
You say you live with your parents – could they take over your finances – so that you don’t have the means to bet? Or one of the friends that was involved in the intervention? I know it is a big step – but believe me – it will be hard when the urges kick in not to try and get around the bans – and no money = no bet. I take it you are from Australia (pokies!) and if so there is support in most of the big cities via Gamblers Anonymous – or locally based projects. Or you can see if anything is available through your medic.
Finally keeping busy, you say ” I’ve got so many plans, so many things I want to accomplish …” so make a start on them. Start learning the skills you are going to need or take the first steps on whatever journey it is. Think of yourself not as a failed gambler but as the beginner on the path you are choosing for yourself. Great that you have taken the first step – I look forwards to more posts.The view from the top is wonderful. Have a good gf rest of the weekend!
I know I repeat myself – but I keep saying that if we were to put as much effort into our recovery as we put into our gambling …
From your story of the past week – it certainly seems that you have been putting some effort into your gambling. All those attempts to get past a self-imposed ban! Remember I am not judging you – I am pointing out your behaviour, the same behaviours that I had when I was in action.
Try and seperate yourself from your behaviour. Be gentle with yourself and hard on your gambling mentality. Take some time out – do other things, then when you can see a bit more clearly, sort out the things that you can do to take your recovery to the utmost. How many GA meetings could you get to? Can you sort out even more counselling? Are there on-line meetings that you could attend either here in group or with SMART or some other on-line help perhaps more local to you. Is some sort of residential an option? Are there any person growth groups in your area – for you to look at possible causes for your gambling behaviour?
As Vera put it – Every rock bottom has a trap door. I guess each one has a ladder too – but it takes a lot more effort to climb out. Don’t give up on yourself – if I can stop gambling for years I am sure others can. Be one of them.
Not sure what happened in chat – it said you were typing but nothing came up.
Just wanted to say well done for resisting the urges. It is always difficult when you can see you would have won some money, especially when you are in need of it. I think it would be good to get gambling off any webpages you use, too much of a trigger imho. But I also know that might not be possible. Keep strong Idi – you can do this!
I will try and make chat tonight – if you need to talk.
I felt we had quite a difficult chat last night in group.
As you know I am not here for myself (although it probably strengthens my own recovery) but to support others who have a problem with their gambling, but how do I support someone who says she does not want support? Who feels that she can do it on her own?
So the only thing I think I can do is to be here. To give you the time and space to think things out. To give my experience both as a trained counsellor AND a recovering compulsive gambler as and when you ask for it – but for you to know that in the meantime, you have my support silently.
That is what I did in the end. I moved to a new city, where I didn’t have my usual places to go and hide with gambling. Made new friends and was up front about why I had moved. I still kept the support going – I was still in GA so that I knew who I was and why I was doing all this and I started counselling again to get to the bottom of why I was gambling. I still “slipped” a few times but in the end it all came together and I have been gamble free for years.
So yes I would recommend, if you can do it, starting a new life as a non-gambler. I would also recommend that you keep the support in place as much as you can. Moving away from your what you know is not an easy option and you will need as much support as you can get. Go well.
So make sure that any money you save goes into an account where you can’t get instant access. I only say this because of your previous post where you stood outside a betting shop. I might be being too anxious, but I know that relapsing happens well before the bet is placed – and thinking about going into premises and having the “spare” cash to bet with are red flags. Keep thinking like a non-gambler and keep your money safe! Keep strong.
I went back to gambling on my modality, (slots, casino games) after 3 years of abstinence. After a few weeks I was as bad as ever and knew I had to stop. I also tried gambling by other methods (lottery, scratch-cards) and although they didn’t take off in the same way, I didn’t like the mind games and emotions they invoked – so gave them up as well. I now consider myself a non-gambler.
I don’t feel depressed about that. I feel my life has expanded a lot, now that I am not spending hours in rooms with no windows and clocks – watching bright flashing lights and spinning wheels. I saw life without gambling as a challenge which I have met head on. There are other, safer ways to make money which might not give you the thrills – but will make your life much more interesting in the long run. If you want thrills – use the money to by waterskii lessons, sky dive or whatever works for you. You need to find your own way. I wish you well.