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Break ups are never easy. I broke up with my wife when I was about 5 years gambling free and of course thoughts turned to it. My gambling head was saying, “well I am on my own now – it is up to me what I do with my life … I can block the pain I feel by playing slots.”
The more rational side of me thought – “hang on … I am really hurting at the moment. Losing has always been painful. Why should I pile more pain onto myself by gambling?”
I got through those early days by pampering myself – by going out with friends a lot – not cutting myself off … and by picking up some of my other interests.
It will be tough – hopefully you can still be friends. It is hard to lose both a partner and a friendship – treat yourself gently and get as much support for yourself as you can. Share if you need to.
Yes the allergy analogy has worked well for me. Another thought is that there is no blame when someone has an allergy – so no need to beat myself up for what I did when I was losing. “Hey I had an allergy and I didn’t know – so that was why I was hurting so much!”
73 days is great – and it does get easier the long time you spend away from gambling. I think the trick is to think like a non-gambler … so no thoughts of “well maybe I am cured now” or “maybe I can control it” or ” I can just check out videos / go in and have a coffee ” because why would you do those things as a non-gambler?
Good to hear about you enjoying your non-gambling life … long may it continue.
One thing you could consider before payday is, as soon as you have funds, buying some store cards – so that you can do your weekly shop – without having to keep the money back to do that. Buy one for each week and you will not be able to gamble with it. Also try and pay bills first and keep as little as you can for your day to day expenses.
This may seem extreme – but you know you are in a time of extremes when the money comes in. I wish you well.Congratulations on your 50 days or so – gambling free time. That is no mean feat – I was wondering how you managed to stop and how you are coping with the urges to gamble.
I hope you are getting good support for yourself from both your family and friends and also from some of the gambling support groups or counseling.
As well as the forums we have support groups (live chat) and the times for these are posted on the link above. It would be good to see you there at some point. Keep strong.
I know that when I made the decision to stop gambling – and then relapsed, the feeling was a lot worse then when I was just in action before the decision to stop.
That makes sense because there is a feeling of failure which I had when I gave into my urges. I’m not even capable of “not doing” something.
The more I read about how our brains are wired – the more I realised that not giving into urges is just part and parcel of what it means to be addicted – and saying “no” to the brain isn’t at all easy.
One word of warning though – there is a school of thought that says the relapse starts before the bet is placed – in other words, the thoughts of gambling – the checking of results etc. should be seen as a warning to you. Try not to do it – I know easier said than done.
One thing you could consider – if you are looking forward to a new life without gambling – make plans for it now. What do you want that to look like? What new things do you want in your life to replace the time and effort you spent in gambling. You say you have a little money – so treat yourself to something that will be useful in your “new life.” For me it might be new photography equipment – or a ticket to somewhere new. For you …. ?
Get good support for yourself – needed in the early days. Use the 1-2-1 here or the support groups (times are on that section of the forum) – check the internet for other online groups if there is nothing in your country. Is there anyone close you can talk to? Keep strong and you can come through this.It is good that you have posted although it is hard to read your story – I can relate to much of it.
I also felt worthless, not so much when I was first “in action” but after I had made the pledge to stop and then I found I couldn’t. It took me about 10 years from my first visit to GA to actually stopping (for almost another 10 years so far.)
What made the difference? Deciding to put as much, if not more energy into my recovery as I did into my gambling. I didn’t just go to GA weekly – I went every night if I could and really got involved with the fellowship. On top of that I did counselling, co-counselling, I went to self-help groups. Did lots of reading, kept a journal. I put EVERYTHING into my recovery. I had to. I knew I wouldn’t make it if I didn’t. Eventually I was able to take the foot off the accelerator and lead a more normal life – but I think for a year or two I was a recovery addict. No regrets – it worked for me.
So you know the ropes with counselling, GA etc. Telling your partner would be a good move and involve her in your recovery – BUT get advice about when and how to tell her. It is better it comes from you than her finding out some other way – but you might want to wait until you can show you are on the recovery path.
Keep posting here and it would be good to see you in support group as well.
You said in your original post that you have been gambling for 10 years – yet you can clear your debt in 1-2 years … With respect, that is no time at all. Now I gambled for around 20 years. It took me 25 years to clear my debts. In other words – the longer you continue to gamble – the longer the debt repayment will take (it is not a linear progression.) And please don’t take for granted that you will always be earning good money. Hopefully they won’t, but things can happen.
Second – sports betting is really difficult if your main hobby is sports – but I know some people who have had success with different things. One changed his sports preference to something that he had never bet on – still enjoyed a game but no conditioning to bet on it. Another decided, instead of just watching sport – to get out and take part and chose a sport where he was challenging himself – not others … (Actually getting out and about instead of being in front of a computer screen or inside a betting shop is a great contrast and helps the brain adjust faster.)
I hope this helps.Berta – I was responding to the first post listed, by Saftmannen, which was talking about watching twitch streams / videos – not an app. No problem with your advice.
I read the advice above from Saftmannen and it is not something I can sit back and not object to. Okay it may work for some people in the short term – but these sites do have links to on-line casinos and you need to get well away from them. If you are wanting to be a non-gambler, why would you watch the videos.
I also feel that whilst it is desirable to let you partner in on what is going on for you – that is a big decision which should be taken with care. You may wish to discuss this with a third party first – perhaps a counsellor, as her reaction will not be something that you can control. If she doesn’t stick by you – that doesn’t make her a bad girlfriend – but she will realise that you have been hiding something very important from her for years and trust is so important in relationships. The important thing now is to work on yourself. Ban yourself from sites – use the blockers. Get good support from yourself. If you are unable to go to GA – see if you can get counselling through Gamcare – it is available on-line if you cannot get to a centre … link here: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/our-treatment-offer/online-treatment/ Finally try coming to one of our support group sessions where you can speak to some of us in real time. The facilitated sessions for people new to the site happen on Mondays (so tonight) and on Thursdays. Check under “support groups” above for the times.
Thanks for the message on my thread.
Sorry to hear that things are problematic re them getting to bottom of what is wrong with your health – I hope that you can progress from the scan.
Sounds great that you are pampering yourself next week, I hope you enjoy your time in Devon.
Have started my fast. In 24 hours all the “procedures” should be over – so just for today I will not worry!
Enjoy your reading and see you soon!
You wrote, “I’m planning to stop gambling but the debt and money is a big problem.”
Money worries is the outcome of gambling – and gambling more is not going to solve the problem. You don’t need to plan to stop – you NEED to STOP.
Read around these forums, put blockers on your accounts or ban yourself from places where you gamble. Talk to the people close to you and get support for your problem. You are still young and you cannot let this ruin your life.
I can see that you feel remorse from stealing from your mother. Does she know it was you? You say you did it because you are an addict – and you are right that it is your behaviour which is faulty (and YOU are feeling the guilt.)
If your mother can see that you are trying to do something about your addiction – putting blocks in place, joining a self-help group like Gamblers’ Anonymous (if it is present in your country,) going for professional help; she may well regain trust with you and help you to combat this.
Let her, (or one of the friends who are looking out for you,) handle your finances for a while, until you are stronger. All of these things need to be put in place so that you can become a non-gambler and move onto other things in your life. I wish you well.