[Steev]

I guess gambling thoughts are inevitable when life is difficult – because that is what we used to do to block out the stuff that we find difficult.  But all gambling does is block stuff out – it doesn’t solve anything.

Another thing I have become aware of is that a gambling thought – might last a few minutes or even an hour or two …  However if I act on those thoughts and start to gamble again – then I will be dealing with the consequences for days, months or even years.  It’s just not worth it.

Remember the serenity prayer and stay strong!

[Steev]

Been thinking of you today and hoping that things are good for you.

It’s a new month and the kick-start to Christmas. I hope it is not too stressful for you and that you can have a real break when you get there.

I hope you know that you have the support of many on this site and it will be good to chat again in the near future.

Wishing you well …

[Steev]

I liked your last sentence – “I will take my recovery seriously and be compassionate towards myself for mistakes I have made in the past.”

Giving ourselves compassion – by remembering that this problem is a behavioural issue and it’s NOT the whole of who we are.

Also, taking recovery seriously. I only made real progress on my problem when I took my recovery as seriously as I took my gambling when in action.

I recognise some of your triggers as well. I tended to isolate myself and worked so many hours trying to keep up with debt repayments and then gambling when I had any time off.

Now I try and ensure that I keep in touch with people – coming onto this site every day helps … I am also tacking my stress issues – and finding other stress reduction techniques (walking really helps!)

Good to read your first post and I hope to read many more. Go well.

[Steev]

Had an interesting interaction with a friend today. We were discussing countries in Europe and she was insisting that Hungary had a border with Germany. I told her she was wrong – that Austria was in between and she said “I know I shouldn’t do this, but I am going to bet you £1.00 that I am right.”

Now – she shouldn’t do this because she knows I have a gambling problem. Indeed all my friends know – it is part of my recovery process that I am open about it to everyone.
So I said I wouldn’t take the bet on … but I was still sure I was right.

So we checked. Hungary does not have a border with Germany.

“So how come you wouldn’t bet when you knew you were right – it was a sure thing, why can’t you bet on a sure thing?”

And I explained that I have a gambling problem and I cope with that by being a non-gambler. I will not bet on anything, because I know if I make an exception for this, my mind will think I can make an exception for other things. It is just so much easier to say I will never gamble again and then act on that.

£1.00 wasn’t much of a test I know … would I have done the same if the bet had been for £100 or £1000? I hope I would still have the resolve – I feel I would be letting everyone down including, (and especially) myself if I had to say – I’m Steev and this is my day 1.

I welcome comments …

[Steev]

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to try and stop gambling when you live in Las Vegas. My gambling took place in England and most cities only have 2 or 3 casinos. Banning yourself is relatively straightforwards – but there you must have so many!

Keep posting – I know you said in your OP that the 3 month mark is most difficult for you – so I am guessing that will be in mid-February, so be good to see you still posting then. You can also chat to people in the support groups here. I expect to be there over Christmas and New Year.

All the best to you and keep strong!

[Steev]

Okay – let us look at what you are saying:
“I just can’t live with the regret of having spent so much money, and deep down I know I don’t have any control or limits.”

But you are living with that regret – you are coping, you are functioning. The regret can be replaced with optimism for the future – once you start addressing your problems. Also you have admitted that you have a gambling problem. A great first step – but you need to go further and address this. Read the other stories here – of long-term debt, bankruptcy. suicide attempts, prison, homelessness … is that what you want?

“In my country or at least in my social circle, mental health is not yet openly talked about.”

You don’t need to talk about it. You do need to act. If you go to a doctor / counsellor / GA it will be confidential.
This is your future – you need to start taking control of it.

“only crazy people do counselling”
Crazy is just a word … it means nothing. Replace it with “only hurting people do counselling” or “only people who care enough about themselves and their mental health do counselling.” “only people who want a positive future for themselves do counselling.”

You are making out that your country does not support people with problems and yet you have already told us that GA and counselling does exist there. The resources are there to be used – but only you can do this – it is all in your hands.

“You’re such an inspiration to me, a proof that it’s possible to stay away from this gambling world.”

But I didn’t get to this point without doing some hard work. I talked to helplines, went to meetings, sat in counselling rooms, took self-improvement classes. I put as much effort (if not more) into my recovery as I put into my gambling. It was an all out assault to defeat this behaviour. Don’t just use me as inspiration – use me as a role model for what you can do to change your behaviour and start leading a gamble free life.

After you have read this post – pick up the phone – talk to someone, a counsellor, a GA member, your doctor, a helpline and take that next step. I look forward to reading about it in your next post.

[Steev]

Gambling is playing some sort of positive role in your life at the moment, that is why it is not easy to stop. But you are right it is the easiest route, but like someone who binges on fast food instead of going on a decent diet, it is unhealthy and will prove disastrous over time.

I felt that when I was gambling after having been to GA and knowing what it was doing to me … when I was gambling with knowledge – that, that was when it felt like self-harm. I knew I was hurting myself with each coin I threw away – and yet I still couldn’t stop.

I don’t know if you have been to a GA meeting or counselling session yet. If you haven’t then that initial getting over the doorstep is daunting … Maybe just phoning and talking to someone would be enough to start with and work your way up to a face to face meet. I know I have said this before – but talking to a doctor about your depression might be a good move – there may be a physical cause and just getting to a point where you can face going to counseling, etc would be a great step forward.

Finally, I used to think ” why me” when I was struggling to control my gambling. Now I think “why me” because of my health problems. Not that they are so bad – there are people out there with much worse who cope. It isn’t what happens to you that makes you who you are – it is how you react to it. Go well my friend.

[Steev]

just to say that my biopsy results have come through and I am all clear – so I feel I can continue travelling and try and find my own way of controlling the symptoms that I still have. Had to re-book all my travel arrangements for France as there is a national strike there on the 5th Dec. which was the day I was travelling. I am now going to leave on the 3rd and arrive back in Vannes on the 4th. Will be in France for Christmas and New Year! I am sure I will post on here before then though!

[Steev]

I think in your opening post you said you had been gambling for 10 years and you are coming up to 30. So you had been gambling for 1/3 of your life. In ten years it will only be 1/4 and when you get to my age (62) it will be less than 1/6th – that’s hardly worth thinking about.
Don’t blame yourself – it is just faulty thinking and behaviour. Keep moving forwards as a non-gambler and enjoying life.

[Steev]

Приятно прочитать ваш пост, Джордан, и приятно поговорить с вами в чате на днях. Читая между строк, я слышу, что кто-то чувствует беспокойство, несмотря на то, что преуспел в жизни. Звучит так, как будто вы вышли из сложной семейной ситуации с алкоголем, играющим роль, и все же у вас, говоря словами, «отличная зарплата, оплаченные счета, каникулы здесь и там, красивая подруга, поддерживающие друзья и семья … "Многие здесь были бы очень счастливы! Однако этого недостаточно – и вы чувствуете, что должны играть, чтобы получить больше … что именно? Я думаю, ключ к разгадке может быть в том, что вы сказали о своей крупной победе … «Я был в восторге от того, чтобы рассказать моей девушке и семье о моем выигрыше …» Экстаз был не в самой победе, а в том, что вы рассказали об этом своей любимой. одни … Интересно, связано ли раскаяние со стыдом, который вы испытываете из-за проигрыша – из-за того, что вы не можете рассказать о своих потерях кому-либо из ваших близких? Мне ясно (и я доверяю вам тоже), что у вас проблемы с азартными играми, и я рад, что вы не чувствуете необходимости гоняться за проигрышами. Вещества, подобные азартным играм, не восполнят вашу потребность, которая, я думаю, является чем-то вроде повышения самооценки. Я думаю, если бы вы могли найти способ поговорить об этих чувствах с консультантом или поддерживающей группой самопомощи, это помогло бы вам продолжить свою жизнь и принять то великое, что происходит с вами, не чувствуя потребности в большем. Большинство консультантов предложат первую сессию бесплатно или со скидкой, и я считаю, что важно найти кого-то, с кем вы могли бы работать, что часто бывает более полезным, чем предлагаемые консультации. Между тем существует ряд книг по самопомощи о зависимости и ее связях с низкой самооценкой, в основном сосредоточенных на алкоголе, но вы можете читать и адаптироваться – Джон Брэдшоу – один из авторов, на которого стоит взглянуть, и будут ссылки на еще несколько . Здорово, что вы пришли сюда, чтобы поделиться своей историей, и я надеюсь, что вы найдете время, чтобы сообщить нам, что произойдет в будущем. Желаю тебе всего наилучшего.

[Steev]

Good to read your post Jordan and good to talk to you on chat the other night.

What I hear from reading between the lines is someone who feels restless despite having done well in life.

It sounds as if you have come from a difficult family situation with alcohol playing a part and yet you have, to use your words, “great salary, bills paid, vacations here and there, a beautiful gf, supportive friends and family …” Many people on here would be very happy with that!

Yet it is not enough – and you feel you need to gamble to gain more … what exactly? I think a clue maybe in what you said about your big win … “I was ecstatic to tell my gf and family of my winnings …” The ecstasy was not in the win itself but in the telling of this to your loved ones … I wonder if the remorse is linked to the shame you feel about losing – about not being able to tell of your losses to anyone close to you?

It is clear to me (and I trust to you too) that you have a problem with gambling – and I am glad that you don’t feel the need to chase losses. Gambling – like substances is not going to fill the need that you have which I think is something like raising self-esteem.

I think if you could find some way of talking about these feelings to a counselor or supportive self-help group, this would help you to move on with your life and accept the great things which are happening to you without feeling the need for more. Most counselors will offer a first session for free or at a discounted rate and I feel it is important to find someone you feel you could work with – which is often more useful than the type of counseling on offer.

In the meantime there are a number of self-help books on addiction and its links to low self-esteem, mainly concentrating on alcohol but you can read and adapt – John Bradshaw is one author to look at and there will be links to several more.

Great that you have come here to share your story and I hope you can find the time to let us know what happens in the future. I wish you well.

[Steev]

Goed om je bericht Jordan te lezen en goed om je gisteravond op de chat te spreken. Wat ik tussen de regels door lees, is iemand die zich rusteloos voelt ondanks dat hij het goed heeft gedaan in het leven. Het klinkt alsof je uit een moeilijke gezinssituatie komt waarin alcohol een rol speelt en toch heb je, om je woorden te gebruiken, "een geweldig salaris, betaalde rekeningen, vakanties hier en daar, een mooie vriendin, ondersteunende vrienden en familie … "Veel mensen hier zouden daar heel blij mee zijn! Toch is het niet genoeg – en je voelt dat je moet gokken om meer te winnen … wat precies? Ik denk dat een aanwijzing misschien zit in wat je zei over je grote overwinning … "Ik was extatisch om mijn vriendin en familie te vertellen over mijn winst …" De extase zat niet in de overwinning zelf, maar in het vertellen hiervan aan je geliefde degenen … Ik vraag me af of het wroeging verband houdt met de schaamte die je voelt over het verliezen – over het niet kunnen vertellen van je verliezen aan iemand die dicht bij je staat? Het is mij duidelijk (en ik vertrouw u ook) dat u een probleem heeft met gokken – en ik ben blij dat u niet de behoefte voelt om verliezen na te jagen. Gokachtige substanties zullen niet voldoen aan de behoefte die je hebt, wat volgens mij zoiets is als het verhogen van het gevoel van eigenwaarde. Ik denk dat als je een manier zou vinden om over deze gevoelens te praten met een hulpverlener of ondersteunende zelfhulpgroep, dit je zou helpen om verder te gaan met je leven en de geweldige dingen die je overkomen te accepteren zonder de behoefte aan meer te voelen. De meeste counselors bieden een eerste sessie gratis of tegen een gereduceerd tarief aan en ik vind het belangrijk om iemand te vinden met wie je denkt dat je zou kunnen werken – wat vaak nuttiger is dan het soort counseling dat wordt aangeboden. In de tussentijd zijn er een aantal zelfhulpboeken over verslaving en de links naar een laag zelfbeeld, voornamelijk gericht op alcohol, maar je kunt lezen en aanpassen – John Bradshaw is een auteur om naar te kijken en er zullen links zijn naar nog meer . Geweldig dat je hier bent gekomen om je verhaal te delen en ik hoop dat je de tijd kunt vinden om ons te laten weten wat er in de toekomst gaat gebeuren. Ik wens je het beste.

[Steev]

Добре е да прочетете публикацията си Джордан и е добре да поговорим с вас в чата онази вечер. Това, което чувам от четенето между редовете, е някой, който се чувства неспокоен, въпреки че се е справил добре в живота. Звучи така, сякаш сте дошли от трудна семейна ситуация с алкохол, който играе роля и все пак, използвайки вашите думи, „страхотна заплата, платени сметки, почивки тук и там, красива приятелка, подкрепящи приятели и семейство … „Много хора тук биха били много доволни от това! И все пак това не е достатъчно – и чувствате, че трябва да залагате, за да спечелите повече … какво точно? Мисля, че може би ключът към това, което казахте за вашата голяма печалба … "Бях в екстаз да кажа на моя приятел и семейството си за моите печалби …" Екстазът не беше в самата победа, а в това да разкажете това на любимия си такива … Чудя се дали угризенията са свързани със срама, който изпитвате, че губите – че не можете да разкажете за загубите си на някой близък до вас? За мен е ясно (а и на вас се доверявам), че имате проблем с хазарта – и се радвам, че не чувствате нужда да преследвате загубите. Веществата, подобни на хазарта, няма да запълнят нуждата ви, която според мен е нещо като повишаване на самочувствието. Мисля, че ако можете да намерите някакъв начин да говорите за тези чувства на съветник или подкрепяща група за самопомощ, това би ви помогнало да продължите с живота си и да приемете големите неща, които ви се случват, без да изпитвате нужда от повече. Повечето консултанти ще предложат първа сесия безплатно или на намалени цени и смятам, че е важно да намерите някой, с когото смятате, че бихте могли да работите – което често е по -полезно от вида на предлаганото консултиране. Междувременно има редица книги за самопомощ за пристрастяването и връзките им с ниското самочувствие, основно концентрирани върху алкохола, но можете да четете и да се адаптирате-Джон Брадшоу е един автор, който трябва да разгледа и ще има връзки към още няколко . Страхотно, че сте дошли тук, за да споделите историята си и се надявам, че ще намерите време да ни уведомите какво ще се случи в бъдеще. Желая ти всичко хубаво.

[Steev]

But first congrats on reaching your 96 days – (97 now?)  You have done well.

As for your job situation – it may be as well to find someone who knows the job market in your area and can advise you as to what to do.  It sounds as if you need any position quickly and you can then take time to find the job you really want longer term.  I know things are not easy in your country – but I have said to you before how impressed I am with your level of English and wonder if there is not an opening somewhere using this?

If you should come into a large sum of money – remember that you need to make it last and don’t feel tempted to gamble.  Make sure you have all your barriers in place and come here or on chat or 1-2-1 if you need to vent – or ask for advice.  Keep strong.

[Steev]

Sadly yours is a familiar story. Starting low and then when you gain access to more money – gambling more and then getting access to credit which also gets used for bets.
Also not stopping when up and able to pay off some of the debt.

You say you can pay off your debts in about a year or so. That doesn’t sound too long – but I know from experience that we tend to predict it will take less time than it does. Also beware that once debt free you will be tempted to gamble again – as you were able to get out of the mire once … That is just how our brains work.

You know that you need to tell your wife about gambling with her money. It will be better coming from you, than if she finds out in some other way. However no-one can predict how she will react once she knows and it could put your marriage at risk. Personally, I would get support from someone over this – probably a counselor so that you know information will be kept confidential and not leaked back to her. If she can see that you acknowledge you have the problem and that you are doing something about it, then she may be more willing to support you. But hey, I know nothing about your personal situation – so this is a call that you will need to make. But the more people who are looking out for you the better – and remember that when you start recovery and you are doing new things (like going to a support group) she is going to notice and possibly ask questions …

What you can do now is take the steps to stop gambling. It is crucial that you do this as you have already alluded to being tempted to chase losses in your last but one sentence.

So – admit you have a problem. I mean really admit it – put as much effort into recovering from this problem as you put into your gambling … it has to be – you are fighting for your families future as well as your own.

Ban and block yourself from all places and online sites where you gamble. There is information about site blockers under “self help” on this site and plenty of information on the internet.

If you decide to come clean with your wife – see if she can handle your finances for you, until you are strong enough in your recovery. If you do not want to involve her – is there some other family member or a close friend that could do this? If you have to continue to handle your own finances – read up on strategies in other people’s posts.

Get really good support for yourself. Counseling is one option but also self-help through Gamblers’ Anonymous or some other local support group.

Finally, you need to find something in your life to replace your gambling. It will be tempting to focus on your family – but again don’t rush to make changes you can’t sustain, that could be confusing and upsetting to your family. Rather think about what you gave up for gambling – either actual activities or hopes and dreams and focus on the new life that you are going to build.

I am sure others will chip in with more advice. Keep posting and let us know what is happening. I wish you well.

[Author]

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