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ਮੈਂ ਸਮਝਦਾ ਹਾਂ ਕਿ ਸ਼ਾਇਦ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਆਪਣੇ ਨਿੱਜੀ ਵਿੱਤ ਨੂੰ ਸੀਮਤ ਕਰਨ ਦੇ ਯੋਗ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੋਵੋਗੇ ਅਤੇ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਪ੍ਰੀਪੇਡ ਕਾਰਡ ਦੀ ਜ਼ਰੂਰਤ ਹੋਏਗੀ, ਮੈਂ ਕਾਰਵਾਈ ਕਰਨ ਵਿੱਚ ਅਸਮਰੱਥ ਸੀ ਜੋ ਉਨ੍ਹਾਂ ਚੀਜ਼ਾਂ ਵਿੱਚੋਂ ਇੱਕ ਸੀ ਜਿਸਨੇ ਮੇਰੀ ਰਿਕਵਰੀ ਨੂੰ ਬਹੁਤ ਮੁਸ਼ਕਲ ਅਤੇ ਲੰਮੀ ਬਣਾ ਦਿੱਤਾ ਸੀ.
ਮੈਂ ਇੱਕ ਨਿਯੰਤਰਿਤ ਦੁਬਾਰਾ ਹੋਣ ਦੇ ਵਿਚਾਰ ਤੇ ਚਿੰਤਤ ਹਾਂ – ਜੋ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਲਗਦਾ ਹੈ ਜਿਵੇਂ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਹੀ ਇਸ ਲਈ ਯੋਜਨਾ ਬਣਾ ਰਹੇ ਹੋ. ਤੁਸੀਂ ਕਹਿੰਦੇ ਹੋ ਕਿ ਇਹ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਬਹੁਤ ਜ਼ਿਆਦਾ ਨੁਕਸਾਨ ਨਹੀਂ ਪਹੁੰਚਾਏਗਾ … ਮੈਂ ਜਾਣਦਾ ਹਾਂ ਕਿ ਜਦੋਂ ਮੈਂ ਮੁੜਿਆ ਤਾਂ ਮੈਂ ਕਿੰਨਾ ਵਿਨਾਸ਼ਕਾਰੀ ਸੀ – ਇੱਥੋਂ ਤਕ ਕਿ ਜਦੋਂ ਇਹ ਥੋੜ੍ਹੀ ਜਿਹੀ ਰਕਮ ਲਈ ਸੀ ਕਿਉਂਕਿ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਲਗਦਾ ਸੀ ਕਿ ਮੈਂ ਆਪਣੇ ਆਪ ਨੂੰ ਨਿਰਾਸ਼ ਕਰ ਦਿੱਤਾ ਹੈ. ਦਿਨ ਦੇ ਅੰਤ ਤੇ, ਤੁਸੀਂ ਉਹੀ ਕਰੋਗੇ ਜੋ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਕਰੋਗੇ – ਅਤੇ ਜੋ ਮੈਂ ਕਰ ਸਕਦਾ ਹਾਂ ਉਹ ਹੈ ਮੇਰੀ ਚਿੰਤਾਵਾਂ ਨੂੰ ਆਵਾਜ਼ ਦੇਣਾ. ਜ਼ਰਾ ਇਸ ਬਾਰੇ ਸੋਚੋ. ਮੈਂ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਸ਼ੁਭਕਾਮਨਾਵਾਂ ਦਿੰਦਾ ਹਾਂ.
I understand that you may not be able to limit your personal finances and need a prepaid card, I was unable to when in action which was one of the things that made my recovery so difficult and prolonged.
I am concerned at the idea of a controlled relapse – which sounds to me as if you are already planning for this. You say it will not hurt you too much … I know how devastated I was when I relapsed – even when it was for a small amount because I felt I had let myself down. At the end of the day, you will do what you will do – and all I can do is voice my concerns. Just think about it. I wish you well.
Capisco che potresti non essere in grado di limitare le tue finanze personali e hai bisogno di una carta prepagata, non sono stato in grado di farlo quando ero in azione, che è stata una delle cose che ha reso la mia guarigione così difficile e prolungata.
Mi preoccupa l'idea di una ricaduta controllata, che mi sembra che tu lo stia già pianificando. Dici che non ti farà troppo male… So quanto ero devastato quando ho avuto una ricaduta – anche quando era di poco perché sentivo di essermi deluso. Alla fine della giornata, farai quello che farai e tutto ciò che posso fare è esprimere le mie preoccupazioni. Pensaci. I migliori auguri.
Ik begrijp dat je misschien niet in staat bent om je persoonlijke financiën te beperken en een prepaidkaart nodig hebt, ik was niet in staat toen ik in actie was, wat een van de dingen was die mijn herstel zo moeilijk en langdurig maakte.
Ik maak me zorgen over het idee van een gecontroleerde terugval – wat mij in de oren klinkt alsof je dit al van plan bent. Je zegt dat het je niet te veel pijn zal doen … Ik weet hoe kapot ik was toen ik terugviel – zelfs als het voor een klein bedrag was, omdat ik voelde dat ik mezelf in de steek had gelaten. Aan het eind van de dag zul je doen wat je gaat doen – en het enige wat ik kan doen is mijn zorgen uiten. Denk er gewoon over na. Ik wens je het beste.
It was good to hear your news and that you have been brave enough to tell your wife and others. It will be a weight off your mind and will allow you to be honest from now on. Being deceitful only adds to the shame we feel and gives us another excuse to place a bet.
I hope you can build on this by allowing your wife or someone close that you trust, to handle your finances until you feel stronger. You may want to point your wife to the friends and families part of this forum where she can read posts from others who are living with problem gamblers and can find strategies to help both herself and indirectly your recovery.
Keep posting – I will be looking out for more from you.
Does this mean that you are not going to be divorced and will be staying together? If so, then I am sure you will be happy because I know losing access to your family was really troubling you.
It is great that you have shared that you are posting here and you may wish to let her know about the “families and friends” area of the website – so that she is aware of what to look out for in terms of your recovery.
Things are still very fresh for you – and you must ensure that you speak out if you are getting urges or temptations to gamble. I know when I was very involved with a self-help group and spending a lot of time helping others, the pressure got to me and led me back to gambling (if only a few small occurrences.) It is not selfish to put yourself first, rather it is self-ful, in that you are putting your recovery first. Take care. I wish you well.
You are in the grips of a behavioural problem and there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Would you be ashamed if you found you had a peanut allergy? This is no different – except that to save your life – it is not peanuts you have to avoid it is gambling.
You need to take this seriously – gambling could destroy your marriage, your health and your finances – to such a degree that bankruptcy and homelessness is not unknown amongst even people on this site.
So, as others have said, exclude yourself from places where you gamble. If you can, hand your finances over to your partner ( consider that he needs to know – you can’t let lies destroy your relationship either – if you can’t face telling him yet, get support to do this.)
Get support in any case – look for self-help such as GA in your area, and/or consider counseling help. Keep posting here and if you can make it to a support group – there is a facilitated one on Thursday evening at 7pm GMT. I wish you well.
You may wish to read Ken’s post – “relapse symptoms” in the recovery tools part of the forum. This one spoke to me:
Got it made; no longer fear relapse. Going into a slippery situation to prove you have no problem. Do this often enough and it will wear down your defences. Don’t test yourself: there is no payoff.I remember an academic telling me – relapse doesn’t begin when you place the bet – it is all the thoughts that go into it long before. Be careful.
Potresti voler leggere il post di Ken – "sintomi di ricaduta" nella parte degli strumenti di recupero del forum. Questo mi ha parlato: ce l'ho fatta; non temere più la ricaduta. Entrare in una situazione scivolosa per dimostrare di non avere problemi. Fallo abbastanza spesso e indebolirai le tue difese. Non metterti alla prova: non c'è payoff. Ricordo un accademico che mi diceva – la ricaduta non inizia quando si piazza la scommessa – sono tutti i pensieri che ci sono entrati molto prima. Stai attento.
When I first sought help for my problem in my early 30s, it was the size of my debts and the increase in the repayments that made me seek help. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be unable to function as a normal human being with a job, somewhere to live and food in my belly, unless I found a way of stopping the leeching of money to the machines and began to make amends. But then there was still this idea in me that the “Big Win” would make it all okay.
So, hard as it was, I had to give this dream up in order to stay stopped. I was not going to put right the damage caused by gambling by doing more gambling.
In order to achieve this I realised these 10 things.
1) The odds are impossible.
Let’s face it – if I am playing regularly on a machine that has a maximum payout of say 200 – and my debts are 40,000 – how many times would I have to win?
That’s if a) I ever did walk away winning and b) I could ever wrench myself away from the thing. That was my logical mind working for a change!
2) The cost of gambling was the price I had to pay to realise that I was a compulsive gambler.
I know this might be a hard one to swallow – but I have learnt a lot about myself because of my gambling. I would have had to pay out thousands to counsellors, therapists and other professionals for this wisdom. Perhaps not as much as I have lost over the years but it is a way of writing some of the losses down in my mind.
I was stubborn. If I could have realised I had an addictive personality much earlier then I would have saved myself a lot of money and grief.
3) Other people, (non-gamblers) can lose thousands, why can’t I?
There are plenty of stories out there of people who have lost money through business’s going bust, scams, fires, floods and other disasters. They have pulled themselves out of it – so what is to stop me? I know one thing is that I felt bad about it because it was self-inflicted, but that is no reason not to draw a line under things and start again.
4) Thoughts about chasing losses come from my emotions.
It is my emotional mind that thinks about the losses – NOT my logical mind, (see above.) I know it’s that petulant child that thinks – “it’s not fair – I deserve to win.”
Maybe I do, but it is not going to happen for the logical reasons already stated. Wishing it was different is not going to make it happen.
5) If I did win, I would just keep the cycle going.
If I didn’t win the full amount I needed I would keep playing to win more. If I won more than I needed, I would think I could afford to gamble with the excess.
Soon I would be back to square one or worse.
6) I need to learn that there is more to life than having money.
Again – another hard one for me, but not having money has allowed me to discover I can have a good life without it. My favourite pastime, walking is free and I enjoy going to libraries etc. where they still exist. I have also learnt the value of money – how to make savings and of alternatives such as LETS.
7) If I win big, then other people lose.
Yes other poor gamblers like me or you – and if I really want the gambling industry to stop making big profits, I need to stop feeding it. The dream of the big win is what keeps the betting shops, casinos and on-line gambling sites going. A dream is all it is.
8) Dreaming of the big win gets in the way of reality.
It is not the big win which will get me out of debt. I need to really look at what the debt is and how much is needed to bring it down. Reading Robert Kelsey’s book, “What’s Stopping You,” helped me see that my fear of failure stopped me from trying new ways to make money and thus go back to things that would never work, gambling.
I needed to concentrate on the possible.
9) It will be small steps that will make a difference.
A few extra hours at work here – finding small ways to boost my income. It may take time, but then I will save time by not gambling, not having to seek money to gamble with and not having to deal with the consequences of my gambling.
10) The Einstein rule.
Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Now, I know this is true for gambling as a whole – but far more so for chasing losses. If I have chased losses before and it hasn’t worked, what on earth makes me think it will work the next time?
Be like Einstein – don’t chase losses!
I know it is never easy going to a meeting when you have no idea what to expect, but I am glad it went well and that you got so much out of it.
Good to see you back here as I was a little worried. I was going to check with you if you were still seeing a counsellor – as it feels like you could do with some support at the moment.
Keep strong and take good care of yourself.
Thanks for your post on my thread. Amazing news about your grand-daughter – you must be proud.
As a traveller I was interested in the Orient express idea. Sounds like the trip of a life-time.
It reminds me of when I went to Italy in the mid 1990s – when I was either still gambling or just stopped. I badly wanted to go to a conference in Tuscany but of course couldn’t afford it. But then thought “how can I do it on the cheap?” So I borrowed a friends tent and took a bus from London to Florence – overnight for 24 hours. One of the worst experiences of my life. I saw nothing – the only stops were at an underground carpark on the outskirts of Paris and then on a service station further down. Switzerland was in the dark – didn’t see a thing. The coach was uncomfortable – not enough leg room (and I am not tall) and the one toilet became unbearable after a few hours. I went by train from Florence to Sienna as it was cheap and wished I had taken it the whole way.
I camped in the grounds of the conference centre which had marble floors – cool in the 40 degree heat. They weren’t used to campers so the area I was given to pitch my tent was lumpy and it was so hot I couldn’t go there in the day. The trip back was a repeat of the outward one – except I had a row with one of the other passengers which festered for the whole trip. A nightmare – but that is what happens when you do things on the cheap.
I loved Tuscany though and will be back there probably in 2021. (Probably in Venice too.)
Sorry to take up so much of your thread with my story – but it reminded me of something else that I endured because of my gambling problem. I will get the train next time!
I loved the line, “I wish I can find that system restore button in myself to go back in time, and fix where it all began …” that made me smile.
I can relate to a lot of what you say. I came from a really poor background, (my father was a compulsive gambler.) I literally had no shoes for a couple of years growing up – spent all my time in the plastic sandals you use on the beach. I went from that to being a sales manager for a national company at age 21 with a company car – unlimited mileage – expense account. Nothing on the scale you are talking of – but beyond my wildest dreams.
Yet it didn’t feel real. It didn’t fulfil who I am. I had a failing marriage and few friends as I was working so many hours – I had no time (or energy) to socialise. But I found time to gamble.
So apart from doing all the practical stuff – like losing access to gambling sites, losing access to ready money to gamble with and finding better use of time. Apart from doing all that – I also found counseling and looking at where it had all gone wrong. I learnt how to “find myself” and what really mattered to me – which was not the high-powered lifestyle but more simple things like enjoying the natural world.
I guess I rebooted myself when I decided to sell up my life in the UK and go travelling around the world. I am doing this on a shoe-string, but enjoying the slow pace of life and doing what I want to do – not having to be thinking about monetizing everything.Now I am not saying that you need to sell up and start again – but I think spending some time talking to a professional and looking at ways in which you can mold your life into something intentional instead of following the money (which is just being thrown away anyway) may help. That’s my 2 cent’s worth. I hope it helps.
You say I know it is going to be hell.
Yes stopping isn’t easy, especially if you are doing this every day – but it is possible. I am around 10 years without gambling, someone else recently celebrated 16 years.I only really stopped when I made a decision to treat my recovery as seriously as I treated my gambling. In other words every day I lived and breathed “not gambling” and doing things that would help with that.
Banning yourself is a great first step – but if you have the means to gamble then you will. So cut of the means. Talk to your wife about her handling your finances for a time until you feel strong enough to take them back. No access to money – no betting. Also see if she will take part in this site as well. Read or post on the families and friends part of the site or speak to someone in the facilitated groups. The more insight she gets into your problem the more she can help and also get support for herself going through this.
Also get great support for yourself. See if there are any self-help groups like GA in your area or talk to someone about counseling. I was struck by, “I felt empty without the noises and the rush, but I feel empty with the noises and the rush as well.” So where is this emptiness coming from? Possibly talking to a counselor would help with this.
In the early days I would throw everything at your recovery and then you can lessen this once the urges become fewer and you begin to settle into your new non-gambling life. I wish you well.