[Steev]

Погоня за убытками – одно из самых больших препятствий к тому, чтобы оставаться на месте, – рассматривается некоторыми как классический индикатор проблем с азартными играми.

Действительно, в некоторых публикациях и на веб-сайтах, посвященных маркетингу "профессиональных" азартных игр, говорится, что самая большая разница между игроком, который играет, чтобы заработать деньги, и игроком-хобби, состоит в том, что первый игрок играет с фиксированной ставкой и НЕ делает погоня за потерями.

Моя проблема заключалась в том, что, играя в азартные игры, я обычно имел фиксированную долю времени, а не денег. Я вышел, ожидая, что смогу насладиться им в течение нескольких часов, и возникли проблемы, когда деньги закончились раньше времени. В этом смысле я знаю, что был «хобби» игроком. Я никогда не ожидал выигрыша, и хотя это был бонус, удовольствие от игры не зависело от моего выигрыша.

Еще я знаю, что когда я впервые начал играть – я не мог сказать вам, что я буду делать с большим выигрышем, – кроме как продолжать играть.

Материально у меня все было хорошо. В 20 лет я был домохозяином (с ипотекой), а в 21 у меня была служебная машина. Все это вскоре прошло, и к 25 я жил в квартире и в общественном транспорте, но даже тогда с большим выигрышем я не думаю, что я мог бы подумать дальше, чем иметь достаточно, чтобы выплатить свои долги, которые накапливались со скоростью, доступной только заядлым игрокам.

Когда я впервые обратился за помощью в решении своей проблемы в возрасте 30 с небольшим лет, именно размер моих долгов и увеличение выплат заставили меня обратиться за помощью. Я знал, что это лишь вопрос времени, когда я не смогу функционировать как нормальный человек с работой, местом для жизни и еды в животе, если я не найду способ остановить перекачивание денег в машины и начал исправлять. Но тогда у меня все еще была идея, что «большая победа» все исправит.

Итак, как бы это ни было тяжело, мне пришлось отказаться от этой мечты, чтобы остаться остановленным. Я не собирался исправлять ущерб, нанесенный азартными играми, за счет большего количества азартных игр.

Для этого я реализовал эти 10 вещей.

1) Шансы невозможны.

Посмотрим правде в глаза – если я регулярно играю на машине с максимальной выплатой, скажем, 200 – и мои долги составляют 40 000 – сколько раз мне придется выигрывать?

Это если а) я когда-нибудь ушел победителем и б) я когда-нибудь смог бы вырваться из игры. Это был мой логический ум, работающий над разнообразием!

2) Стоимость азартных игр – это цена, которую я должен был заплатить, чтобы понять, что я заядлый игрок.

Я знаю, что это может быть трудно проглотить, но я многое узнал о себе, играя в азартные игры. За эту мудрость мне пришлось бы заплатить тысячи консультантов, терапевтов и других специалистов. Возможно, не так много, как я потерял за эти годы, но это способ записать некоторые потери в моей памяти.

Я был упрям. Если бы я мог понять, что у меня склонность к привыканию, гораздо раньше, я бы сэкономил много денег и горя.

3) Другие люди (не игроки) могут проиграть тысячи, почему я не могу?

Существует множество историй о людях, потерявших деньги из-за банкротства бизнеса, мошенничества, пожаров, наводнений и других бедствий. Они вытащили себя из этого – так что меня остановит? Я знаю одно: я чувствовал себя плохо из-за этого, потому что это было нанесено самому себе, но это не причина, чтобы не подводить черту под вещами и не начинать заново.

4) Мысли о погоне за потерями исходят из моих эмоций.

О потерях думает мой эмоциональный ум, а НЕ мой логический ум (см. Выше). Я знаю, что это этот раздражительный ребенок думает: «Это несправедливо – я заслуживаю победы».

Может быть, да, но этого не произойдет по уже изложенным логическим причинам. Если бы все было иначе, этого не произойдет.

5) Если бы я действительно выигрывал, я бы просто продолжал цикл.

Если бы я не выигрывал всю необходимую мне сумму, я бы продолжал играть, чтобы выиграть больше. Если бы я выиграл больше, чем мне нужно, я бы подумал, что могу позволить себе играть с избытком.

Скоро я вернусь к исходной точке или хуже.

6) Мне нужно понять, что в жизни есть нечто большее, чем просто деньги.

Опять же – еще один трудный для меня вопрос, но отсутствие денег позволило мне обнаружить, что я могу жить без них хорошо. Мое любимое времяпрепровождение, прогулки бесплатные, и мне нравится ходить в библиотеки и т. Д., Где они все еще существуют. Я также научился ценить деньги – как сэкономить и узнать о таких альтернативах, как LETS.

7) Если я выиграю по-крупному, то проиграют другие.

Да, другие бедные игроки, такие как я или вы, – и если я действительно хочу, чтобы индустрия азартных игр перестала получать большие прибыли, мне нужно перестать ее кормить. Мечта о большом выигрыше – это то, что поддерживает работу букмекерских контор, казино и игровых сайтов. Мечта – это все, что есть.

8) Мечты о крупном выигрыше мешают реальности.

Это не большая победа, которая поможет мне выбраться из долгов. Мне действительно нужно посмотреть, что это за долг и сколько нужно, чтобы его понизить. Чтение книги Роберта Келси «Что вас останавливает» помогло мне понять, что мой страх неудачи мешает мне попробовать новые способы заработка денег и, таким образом, вернуться к вещам, которые никогда не сработают, – к азартным играм.

Мне нужно было сосредоточиться на возможном.

9) Небольшие шаги будут иметь значение.

Несколько дополнительных часов на работе здесь – поиск небольших способов увеличить свой доход. Это может занять время, но тогда я сэкономлю время, не играя в азартные игры, не буду искать деньги для игры и не буду иметь дело с последствиями моей игры.

10) Правило Эйнштейна.

Альберт Эйнштейн сказал, что безумие определяется как «делать одно и то же снова и снова и ожидать разных результатов». Я знаю, что это верно для азартных игр в целом, но в гораздо большей степени для погони за убытками. Если я гнался за убытками раньше, и это не сработало, что, черт возьми, заставляет меня думать, что это сработает в следующий раз?

Будьте как Эйнштейн – не гонитесь за потерями!

[Steev]

One of the biggest obstacles to staying stopped, chasing losses is seen by some as a classic indicator of problem gambling.

Indeed, some of the literature and websites aimed at marketing “professional” gambling, state that the biggest difference between someone who gambles to make money and someone who is a “hobby” gambler, is that the former gambles with a fixed stake and does NOT chase losses.

My problem was that when gambling I usually had a fixed stake of time, not money. I went out expecting to enjoy it for several hours and problems arose when the money ran out before the time did. In that sense I know I was a “hobby” gambler. I never expected to win and although it was a bonus, the pleasure of gambling did notdepend on my winning.

Another thing I am aware of is that when I first started to gamble – I couldn’t have told you what I would do with a big win – other than to continue gambling.

I was doing well materially. I was a householder, (with a mortgage) at 20 and had a company car at 21. All that soon went and I was living in lodgings and on public transport by 25, but even then with a big win I don’t think I would have thought further than to have enough to pay my debts off – which were accruing at a rate that only a compulsive gambler’s can.

When I first sought help for my problem in my early 30s, it was the size of my debts and the increase in the repayments that made me seek help. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be unable to function as a normal human being with a job, somewhere to live and food in my belly, unless I found a way of stopping the leeching of money to the machines and began to make amends. But then there was still this idea in me that the “Big Win” would make it all okay.

So, hard as it was, I had to give this dream up in order to stay stopped. I was not going to put right the damage caused by gambling by doing more gambling.

In order to achieve this I realised these 10 things.

1) The odds are impossible.

Let’s face it – if I am playing regularly on a machine that has a maximum payout of say 200 – and my debts are 40,000 – how many times would I have to win?

That’s if a) I ever did walk away winning and b) I could ever wrench myself away from the thing. That was my logical mind working for a change!

2) The cost of gambling was the price I had to pay to realise that I was a compulsive gambler.

I know this might be a hard one to swallow – but I have learnt a lot about myself because of my gambling. I would have had to pay out thousands to counsellors, therapists and other professionals for this wisdom. Perhaps not as much as I have lost over the years but it is a way of writing some of the losses down in my mind.

I was stubborn. If I could have realised I had an addictive personality much earlier then I would have saved myself a lot of money and grief.

3) Other people, (non-gamblers) can lose thousands, why can’t I?

There are plenty of stories out there of people who have lost money through business’s going bust, scams, fires, floods and other disasters. They have pulled themselves out of it – so what is to stop me? I know one thing is that I felt bad about it because it was self-inflicted, but that is no reason not to draw a line under things and start again.

4) Thoughts about chasing losses come from my emotions.

It is my emotional mind that thinks about the losses – NOT my logical mind, (see above.) I know it’s that petulant child that thinks – “it’s not fair – I deserve to win.”

Maybe I do, but it is not going to happen for the logical reasons already stated. Wishing it was different is not going to make it happen.

5) If I did win, I would just keep the cycle going.

If I didn’t win the full amount I needed I would keep playing to win more. If I won more than I needed, I would think I could afford to gamble with the excess.

Soon I would be back to square one or worse.

6) I need to learn that there is more to life than having money.

Again – another hard one for me, but not having money has allowed me to discover I can have a good life without it. My favourite pastime, walking is free and I enjoy going to libraries etc. where they still exist. I have also learnt the value of money – how to make savings and of alternatives such as LETS.

7) If I win big, then other people lose.

Yes other poor gamblers like me or you – and if I really want the gambling industry to stop making big profits, I need to stop feeding it. The dream of the big win is what keeps the betting shops, casinos and on-line gambling sites going. A dream is all it is.

8) Dreaming of the big win gets in the way of reality.

It is not the big win which will get me out of debt. I need to really look at what the debt is and how much is needed to bring it down. Reading Robert Kelsey’s book, “What’s Stopping You,” helped me see that my fear of failure stopped me from trying new ways to make money and thus go back to things that would never work, gambling.

I needed to concentrate on the possible.

9) It will be small steps that will make a difference.

A few extra hours at work here – finding small ways to boost my income. It may take time, but then I will save time by not gambling, not having to seek money to gamble with and not having to deal with the consequences of my gambling.

10) The Einstein rule.

Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Now, I know this is true for gambling as a whole – but far more so for chasing losses. If I have chased losses before and it hasn’t worked, what on earth makes me think it will work the next time?

Be like Einstein – don’t chase losses!

[Steev]

Don’t listen to the suicidal voices in your head. If you are considering this as a way out of your problems – think about what state this will leave your wife and children in. Do they deserve to grow up without a father.

If you are planning to do something like this please contact these helplines NOW: Lagos suicide hotlines, by the Lagos State Government: 08058820777 and 09030000741
– “through which residents can ask questions, make inquiries and seek help from professionals early enough to allow for appropriate intervention.”

As for your debt – firstly don’t add to it. You have said nothing about stopping gambling – you need to address this so that any money you get goes to paying off your debts and not to increase them.

Pay your necessary debts first. Things you need to pay so that you don’t lose your home, services (electricity) etc. Any other debts which are left – talk to the people you owe. Explain that you will pay a little each month (or whenever you get paid) until it is resolved. They would prefer to get some money from you rather than none at all. See if they will lessen interest payments or suspend it until you are in a better place. Is there a way of increasing your earnings?

Speak to someone you trust about your situation, don’t keep it all to yourself. Two heads are better than one and someone else may see a way through that is not clear to you. Above all else – don’t see suicide as a way out – it is a permanent thing and your problems, difficult as they may seem at the moment are only temporary. I wish you well.

[Steev]

I am here to ask how do you fight this, how do you stay out of it for good?

I’m not sure I do fight it. I think I accept it. I have a gambling problem. I cannot gamble normally, once I start I am incapable of stopping without a lot of anxiety, support and inner strength. It is easier not to start in the first place. If I had an allergy to peanuts and realised that peanuts made me ill – I would just stop eating them. I might really love peanuts, crave peanut butter – I would also know that if I succumbed I would be really ill and might die.

So it is with gambling. You know you can live a rich life without gambling – that giving into urges when life is difficult doesn’t make life any easier – in fact just the opposite.  You have shown yourself capable of stopping for extended periods of time, you can do so again and this time admit that you are a problem gambler and that it is not something you can even contemplate.

I just accept that I have a gambling problem – that it is not an option for me and deal with crises as they come up – usually by talking things through with friends and / or my counsellor.

I wish you well.

[Steev]

I’m exhausted just reading all that.

Glad to hear that you and your family have got through okay – especially your mum, that must have been a frightening ordeal.

I’m glad that you found a way of excluding yourself from Facebook games. I know it was the expense that was the concern for you.

It is interesting how people choose to spend their time and money on hobbies that others might see as an obsession. One friend I have spends all her spare time playing bridge. It doesn’t cost much and gets her out and about – but to me it would be so boring. Another friend goes to watch his football team in every competition home and away. This takes up an enormous amount of time and planning not to mention huge expense. Are they addicted – or just hobbies? I guess just personal choices and if they are not causing anyone (including themselves) any harm …

Some might say I am addicted to travel, seeing I am doing it all the time. To me it has now become a way of life.

I have nothing really to report on my first week in 2020. My life seems so boring in comparison. Off into Bordeaux centre later today – will have to come up with something exciting!!

Enjoy life – Monica.

[Steev]

I can connect to what you are saying.  I am an introvert and prefer my own company.  One of the things about recovering from gambling is that it made me realise I couldn’t do it alone.  I discovered co-counselling and from there GA (Gamblers’ Anonymous) and then counselling.

You say you know you should keep trying with therapists  … so do so!  Often a therapist will give a cheap rate or even a free session for the first time to see if you are a good fit.  Take advantage of this and see as many as is needed to find the right one.  Someone you can trust and feel you can say anything to is far better than thinking about this or that sort of technique or approach.

I too have a batchelor’s degree – and eventually came to the conclusion that I need challenges in life and that “doing what I have always done” will not allow me to grow as a person.  I challenged myself to come out of my comfort zone, but stuck with things that I thought I would enjoy.  I like music so went to concerts more often but found I wasn’t connecting to people there – so I tried dancing.  I was useless at first, but gradually bit by bit I got better and grew in confidence and now have another “skill” which is appreciated by the opposite sex.  I joined a bookclub and a quiz team and made a few friends at both … connecting with just a few people at a time is easier for me than big crowds.

So my advice, for what it’s worth, is to find something that will move you forward as a person, something that comes from you – that you have always wanted to do, but have been putting off or feel scared about.  Take the plunge!  If you have a batchelor’s degree is there somewhere to go to improve on this – either specialising or going for a Master’s in the same area?   Life is for living … I think we forget this when we are using up our lives chasing our losses.  Go well.

[Steev]

My thoughts are with you. 

I found that grief came in waves – and sometimes was really hard to bear.  But remembering the good times that you had with that person never leaves you.   I wouldn’t want to blot that out .. so remembering and smiling at the memories through the tears.  Keep strong – know you have support here if you need it.

[Steev]

Long post alert!

Like most people, these first few days in January encourage me to look at my plans for the year and think ahead. I have drawn up a rough plan of where I want to be travel-wise, (more of France then Spain and Portugal,) as well as thinking about new experiences I want to try. I was going to come up with a list of 52 new experiences – one for each week of 2020, but found I couldn’t. Most of things I want to do in life, I have already tried and yes I could go sky-diving, but when I think about it – I don’t really want to do it.

So in the end I have come up with 52 things I want to treat myself to this year – some of which are new experiences. I am not sure I will manage all of them, especially the ones around food and drink (my stomach problems being in remission but still on-going) but at least it’s a plan.

The act of planning, but not knowing what life will bring made me think of how I thought I could foresee the future when I was gambling. I know when I had a spell of continuously relapsing, I would often think, “oh well, I will just have to work harder in order to pay these new debts off” as if working harder was always going to be an option. Of course, eventually it wasn’t. In 2005 after the break up of my marriage, I had to take time off work with depression. I also had to stop teaching evening classes and had to cut the heavy workload which was partly due to my compulsive nature and partly due to the need to finance my debts.

So when I see others on GT saying, “oh well, if I work hard over the next 3 years I can pay all my debts off,” I want to scream, “BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!” Don’t assume that because you have been able to do that in the past, that you will be able to do so in the future. Not gambling is not risking our wealth and so having security for ourselves and our families, because we can’t predict things. We don’t know what the economy is going to do, what our personal circumstances are going to be, the needs of our loved ones. Even when good things happen, like my falling in love with a Brazilian woman, can lead to a whole heap of expense that was not planned for.

Of course, long-term planning does not go with problem gambling. Even those of us who may start with a “gambling plan” abandon it as soon as the compulsion takes hold. I am also aware of how the thrill of risking our wealth is seen as acceptable in our society. Gambling, like some forms of investment or even entrepreneurship is seen as more “virile” than safely salting money away. That adds to a myth that we buy into, that “I’m more of a man,” (it does seem to be mainly men) “because I have put everything on red – even money I can’t afford to lose.” Saying, “I am just putting all my excess money into a safe, interest bearing account” just doesn’t compare. The reality is though, that not taking risks is less stressful and meets the needs of our loved ones and ourselves without anxiety.

The worry and anxiety can have effects beyond the obvious mental turmoil it causes. I am not the only one on this site that has stomach issues and current research sees this can be linked to problem gambling. There is also a link between gambling and binge drinking, smoking and an unhealthy diet. In short, when we are gambling, we are not looking after ourselves, we are also putting our health on the line.

We also gamble with our potential for further earnings. I didn’t notice the affect my gambling was having on my work performance but I think my colleagues and bosses did. It is also hard to keep one’s focus at job interviews when getting the job might make the difference between paying off debts in one year instead of five. Not being able to afford the interview suit or looking unkempt because I put gambling in front of getting that great haircut (and not having the sense to plan it into my week,) didn’t help either.

Planning. I think that is where I started this ramble. So apart from travel and treats, the other two things that will be important for me in 2020 are getting an income and learning a language. The two are connected in that I have started to teach English on-line and have been humbled by how much progress some of my students have made in the months and years that they have been studying. I know I need to talk more in my chosen languages so I will be setting up 2 hours a week speaking French and Portuguese as well as having face to face (or on Skype) lessons. It is stuff like this – having a goal and putting strategies in place to achieve it, which were lost when I was in gambling purgatory. I learnt a lot from 2019 when my goal was to sell my house, give away my bookstore stock, put stuff into storage and travel.

That goal was accomplished and I trust my next ones will be too and that I will be able to converse like a native when I get to my final destination of Portugal. So whatever you are intending to do with 2020 – I wish you all the best with your efforts and hope you have a wonderful prosperous new year.

[Steev]

It is going to happen, because once we have been gambling for a while, our brains are wired to respond to things by betting. We have to find a way of re-wiring our brain circuits and the best way is to find something else that we can establish as a habit. Preferably something that will improve our lives, not make them worse.

I tried all sorts of things but settled on walking – but I know some people find that boring. Instead of a betting shop – how about a library (if there are any left) or charity shops (as long as you don’t spend too much?)

I also just wonder if it is worth going back to the counselling – seeing that you found that useful. I wish you well.

[Steev]

We don’t choose to put ourselves and our families through the mill, it is the way that constant gambling has re-wired our brains so we cannot control our behaviour.

That how it is until we recognise that we need to stop. Then we need to act. Once we have stopped gambling for a while, we can see things more clearly and we can put things in perspective. Debts can be paid back, families and friends made amends to. It takes time to do all these things – but the sooner we stop gambling and taking responsibilty for what has happened – the sooner the healing can start.

You are at the start of the recovery process – keep it going. Get as much support as you can through this difficult time. It will get easier the longer you can stay gamble free. I wish you well.

[Steev]

Maybe it is real depression. Maybe you are just worn out from all the stress of gambling. Look after yourself. If you are still feeling down and unable to do anything in few days, please talk to someone. Either phone a help-line or talk to a medic or someone who is able to give you the support you need.
And well done on not gambling for 5 days!

[Steev]

My condolences on your loss of a dear friend.  It is so difficult to find words at a time like this. It brings up memories for me of the loss of people close to me.  I know how painful that is – but I also know that you will move on from it, looking after your loved ones like your granddaughter.

I know when my marriage ended I wanted to go on a gambling binge even though I had been gf for around 5 years.  But I thought – I am in pain now … why would I want to put myself through more pain?  So I got as much support as I could from friends, counselling, chat rooms etc and eventually got through. 

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.  Go well.

[Steev]

Hi Zedhead … please don’t just sit there and wait for yourself to get better. You need to work on your own recovery by taking action. I have always believed that I needed to put as much energy into my recovery as I did into my gambling – and I didn’t gamble by just, “sit now doing nothing feeling deflated.” (Oh if I did – just think of the money I would have saved!)

Remember this is YOUR recovery – not your partner’s. She will have to find her own way in her own time. Your recovery has to be your number one priority. So please don’t sit there feeling dejected – because I know if I did the gambling thoughts would come back again. Get out and do something – even if it is only for a walk in the park, a look around shops that are interesting to you (DIY and gardening centres?) Or maybe just go out into the garden to take stock at what needs to be done. Moving away from gambling means just that MOVING … so please take your recovery into your hands and run with it. I wish you well.

[Steev]

You are in the right area – if you are committed to stopping gambling for good. I’m not sure I am getting that from your post.

Your post sounded like me when I was in action – confused, trying to justify carrying on with gambling in the “if I could just stop when I am winning” sort of mode.

The truth is that when I was gambling – I could NOT stop. That was what made me a compulsive gambler. Ok, I might be able to stop for a day or two or occasionally even longer. What I could not do was obsessing about gambling, should I go back to it ? How much can I afford to bet? Where will the money come from? What can I do differently but still bet? Until I got the message – JUST STOP!

So if you really want to stop gambling – read some of the other threads here – you will see that there are 4 things you need to do: 1) ban or bar yourself from all the places where you gamble and where you could be tempted to gamble in the future. 2) Remove yourself from access to money. If possible get a trusted loved one or friend to handle your money, but if not just carry the bare minimum to survive. 3) Restrict the time you have to gamble – work longer hours (helps to pay off debts) go to recovery meetings and/or find another use of time (Netflix seems to be popular!) 4) Get great support for yourself – let loved ones know and ask them to help you; find out about self-help in your area Gamblers’ Anonymous or similar and go to meetings, see if you can get counselling through your medic or some other means. Log into a support group here – new members are welcome all the time but there are specific groups for you on Mondays and Thursdays (GMT.) I hope this helps.

[Steev]

I know how difficult that was for you to do, and I can’t help feeling that the episode was a huge turning point for you.  If you can turn your back on gambling for £70 million what can’t you do.

Welcome to the non-gambling world – for the rest of your days!

[Author]

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