[Monica1]

Well, up at 4.30am after sleeping from 10 so missed groups. I have been mulling and researching on my gut issues and think I have been misdiagnosed on the colon problem. As well as the stomach bug I think I have something else which isn’t nice but I may have contracted from the dog sleeping in my room. The dog is now barred but pines outside my door. The symptoms have changed and worsened. But I am Ok in myself and pain free at the moment taking care to eat very bland foods and only small amounts. I am so aware that if I was not in this strapped position I could pay for the tests and get natural treatments quite quickly. I went for a walk and paid for fuel. I have a home still and fuel. Grateful, that’s a good start. I try to ring my doc but continually engaged.
Yes, idi, it could go up particularly if they deem I have limited capability for work. And they just might with all my gut issues. And you are so right, itis the Health issues that need sorting out as a priority.

This afternoon I have a telephone psych assessment from when I was feeling suicidal. My Gp has said that it is all finance related. I am glad she has said that and not that I am losing my marbles! My marbles feel stronger today in any case. Because I am going to gma we agree not to bother in taking anything forward but I could go back anytime should things deteriorate. But they are helpful in guiding me to possible advocacy for the meeting on the 10th January re prison proceedings.

My son also calls me and tells me his dad didn’t give him the cocaine. He got it himself for the first time in many years. He recognises in himself addictive tendencies. He has had a lot to deal with recently and we talk about strategies to avoid going over the top when we have difficulties as a means of self medication and escape from emotional stuff. It is hard being human sometimes. I read somewhere that we are 50 per cent light within and 50 per cent dark. And it is a matter of what we choose to focus on. I am going back to my old spiritual Teachings from someone called Prem Rawat who I have seen every now and again since I was 23 but got really confused with all the turmoil of 2017. Look him up. On wordsofpeace.org or just google him. For the first time when I tune in I feel better within as I used to feel when I practised his meditation. He puts us in touch to a place within that is free of all this. It gives us a kind of inner strength and peace in each breath. Although the stomach cramps take that away prett6 quickly! We are not our problems. He talks about choices and how we think can lead to our own demise. I choose to act on my resolutions and to take things one step at a time.

[Monica1]

Well, woke up at 10.30pm last night and still up. Such weird hours I am keeping.
Went for my work capability assessment today, a one hour assessment to see whether you have limited capability for work. It is a cost cutting exercise really but as I am on the lowest amount of benefit I can’t see how they can cut it. The only comment I got was well you do seem to be rather isolated. You don’t say……

[Monica1]

On 14th January it will be 5 months gamble free and my life has not improved one jot. Still dealing with the health problems that developed post stopping and in limbo re bankruptcy.
Thanks for the posts all and thanks Vera. A chap who deals with natural remedies for these types of gut conditions I have linked his to bankruptcy. Very linked to money problems. I seem to have a problem with digesting fat. The tummy has calmed down but am just eating bread and soup.
As I missed the resolutions and setting Intentions for the new year I will do them now
Health, I will get the money to take the natural eradication remedies for the bug I have in my system and eradicate the ulcer causing bug and the colon problem, which has been very debilitating. Once I start to earn, I will reduce the cigs, switch to a vape and exercise.
Money, at this time next year, I will have a five figure sum in my bank account, with or without bankruptcy.
I will find a job thatI love doing and is well paid, and quite soon
I will find a way to relay my debts if at all possible.

That’s it. Simple stuff.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts and I wish all my friends on the site a very happy new year.

Vera, you are very intuitive. I was very unwell yesterday. The diagnosis of irritable bowel is an incorrect one as my symptoms worsened considerably yesterday. This was how ot to spend New Year’s Eve and was probably the worst spent one of my life. Not good.
I slept till 10 to midnight after having a painful afternoon so I caught the fireworks on the tv, but I was alone as pete went out. No celebration at all and when pete did get in at 3am no wish of a happy new year, just asking for money for the electricity and then moaning saying he knew my game…. I had to explain to him in quite a restrained way what had happened.
Recovery seems a million miles away, my health has gone down the toilet, quite literally, in the past year. I need to go back to the docs. It seems I just have one setback after the other.

[Monica1]

I intend to do the 10pm group but my son calls me. We talk in detail about escape type episodes and how important it is for us to discuss how we feel without being indulgent and over emotional. We also talk about how we are like our parents and the traits. I ask him how he is living a similar life to me and to his father. We see all the similarities. Ben would like me more involved with the grandkids. In what way am I like my mother? My boys shunned me when I was with pete for good reasons. He said I just went from one desperate situation to another and in My personal lifehe was right. I talked about not having an off button when it comes to gambling. He says he doesn’t have an off button when it comes to cocaine and alcohol but gave it all up years ago and only restarted again this Xmas to which he paid the price of a bad cold and missing Xmas dinner. in what way is he like his father? Quite a lot. His dad is an occasional binge alcoholic and binge cocaine user whilst living an otherwise good and privileged life with a thriving business. When I was with his father he had no control then which has continued into later life.
We talked about Ben moving in and I said that I would discuss with pete after his birthday on 7th January. We are aiming for the end of March. The boys put 250 in my bank account for Xmas saying it would break their hearts if I gamble with it. I will not gamble with it. For the first time I am not feeling destitute but have a little money for food and essentials. I love my sons so much for giving me this chance and opportunity to not blow it, and I will not let them down.

[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you. Thanks for what you say about my writing. I have had things published in the late 80s and it has always been one of my alternative careers.

Days 136 to 138
On 28th I arrive home early evening a bit tired but do a group. I have missed it and my friends on chat. Pete does not ask me how xmas was, just that his was not good, but he always chooses to spend it on his own, it is his conscious choice and I recall that on boxing day last year his 59year old sister passed after a short battle with an aggressive cancer, and it may relate to that. There is a palpable distance between us and he says that he hopes we can be civil to each other. Well. Hello, my bedroom again. Back to same old, same old, but I feel ok in myself.
Day 137
I get up and go for a walk to the shops, relieved that I am not breathless. Seeing my brother in law in the state he was in was a wake up call. I buy some food with half of the small amount of money I have received for Xmas. My son rings me and tells me he did not have a good xmas. He goes to his fathers who only acknowledged his existence about six years ago after a dna test. I had tried to do this when Ben was 16, taking steps to trace him but his wife at the time put a stop to it all.He has remarried since then. To be fair, he has tried to make up for lost time integrating Ben into his family and giving him odd bits of work in his building business. He comes from a well to do family and is very well off. All of my boyfriends when I was younger were well off, I just ended up with the ne’er do wells…Ben has been going through a very difficult time with his girlfriend, a situation that is quite traumatic but I can’t disclose it on the forum. He has put a separation into relationship which is right for him to do at this time. He tells me that he missed xmas dinner because he was out of it and his father gave him some cocaine. I am shocked at this,it is not a surprise about his father doing this as he is a recreational user but super fit. Going to the gym daily, I am stunned that Ben, who is very anti drugs participated. I think Ben is also surprised by this too. I tell Ben I will call him later, I need to reflect on what I have just heard.
Unfortunately, I spend the next three hours in debilitating pain with the irritable bowel. It starts in the middle of phone call with my daughter which I have to cut short. It is awful and takes it out of me. I have Hot and cold flushes with the pain and pray for the cramps to stop, which they eventually do. This was the worst attack in a while and I wonder if the double cheeseburger I had one hour earlier earlier has anything to do with it. I resolve to lay off macdonalds.
As I am getting over it I start to play the free online bingo on Facebook and proceed to spend the next ten hours doing so. I spend the small amount of money left in my account on tickets. This is not gambling but I recognise the compulsiveness of playing and that this is and has been a prelude to a full blown relapse. This concerns me greatly. I resolve to reattend GA even though I have my concerns about it. This would not have happened when I was going to GA. I realise that the trigger was three hours of unrelenting pain and that this was an escape type episode.
Having been up,all night till midday I sleep till 7pm this evening.

[Monica1]

Thank you for your posts. I am behind with my posting. Vera, that was a lovely post. Ty so much, I tried posting to your thread before Xmas but it kept blocking it for some reason.

Ok, xmas, was fairly relaxing with good food. It nearly,didn’t happen as there were no trains at all due to engineering work and I went to my mums first to be picked up by my sister. My mum loves to boast about how she pays all her bills and we had an awkward moment initially where I got upset and asked her to just be a little more sensitive to my financial state. I feel very bad that I have nothing at all, first time ever, but it is not held against me and I am grateful for that. My mum initially refuses to leave her flat because we have upset each other. The awkward moment soon passed, however.
My brother in law was very sick during the whole Xmas period. A lifetime of smoking and at 69 had an exacerbation of copd and he could barely walk five yards. I slept on the sofa bed in the front room and on Boxing Day night he came downstairs so breathless I thought he was going to expire there and then. A lesson to us all re perils of long term smoking. My sister loves to cook for everyone and did well except,on the 27th where somehow a very expensive joint of beef ended up dished up raw, and it ended up going to the cats. But she did so well getting me lovely presents, a new watch and a Swarovski bracelet, my mum bought me angel perfume and 40 quid. My niece and her son came over too on Xmas day and the 27th. My sister prepares months in advance for Xmas and I always feel beholden to go missing my own children’s Xmas. my mum said, I am your family, but I let it be known how bad i felt that year on year, it is not spent with my family and that this needed to change. My sister agreed. The reasons for this are complex. My mum has only met my children maybe once or twice in her lifetime and four of her grandkids not at all. It feels too late to change that and quite frankly, my children now have no inclination to. We got the worst of the snow on the 27th and could not come home as planned on that day. My sister and mum are addicted to scratch cards and bought them every day. I stayed in the car avoiding going into any shops.
I dozed for long period on the sofa from about 3pm to 7. In all honesty the reason for this is that the conversations are always quite superficial and very boring, never going into any depth. I find this so boring I choose to go to sleep rather than participate. It is the sort of conversations re what has been bought, the neighbours, cats etc, that I find is like the ever decreasing circles of age. We can’t choose what we watch on tv as it is controlled by my brother in law,despite being so.ill. He makes some dreadful remarks about all children and adults who ar never going to see any improvement in a medica, condition should be euthanised and I am shocked and say to my mum that he is a nazi.
Despite all of this, I go because I love my mum and sister. My mum nearly expired last year following emergency surgery and can barely see or hear well at present. Many things are repeated and she misunderstands a lot. All in all. It was ok, the turkey dinner being amazingly good. By the time we leave on the 28th, I am glad to be going, it is virtually the same every year. But I don’t think that matters. It is a time to be together despite differences and the sameness of it all year in year is quite reassuring In an odd way. I mention that I am going to Gordon Moody in January but that is all,that is spoken about my addiction.

[Monica1]

Hi Tina
I had a major row with pete tonight so u r not alone. He came in in a foul mood and ranted over how much electricity I had used. It is just what it costs to run, welcome to the real world. Well pete doesn’t do xmas either, never has, and is helping out at the church with a dinner for the homeless. Xmas even when together always spent apart. Some people really don’t do Xmas at all.
It will blow over I am sure with your partner. But for me today it felt like a final line had been drawn over what I am willing to put up with. we r not even together but enuf is enuf, I wonder if your partner is just hacked off with the row or feeling the pressure of Xmas and alL.
I hope things work out tomorrow and that he is able to make it up with the people concerned. I hope u ha ve a peaceful Xmas Tina.

[Monica1]

And ty for your wise counsel and spoton support. Here’s to a gamble free and happier 2018. Lovemonica xxxxx

[Monica1]

Have a lovely Xmas Tina. And here’s to a ga.m me free 2018 where we can start to enjoy the benefits of recovery.

[Monica1]

Hvala ti za post na mojoj temi Liz. Želim vam miran i sretan Božić. Usput, tužili su me, iako na kraju dana nije baš lijepo, možete samo oh ono što si možete priuštiti čak i na sudu, a ne morate prisustvovati ni u Velikoj Britaniji.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread Liz. I wish you a peaceful and happy Xmas. Incidentally, ihave been sued, whilst not verynice at the end of the day you can only oh what you can afford even in a Court, and you don’t have to attend either in the uk.

[Monica1]

I will look them up.

[Monica1]

Thank you all. Vera, so good to hear from you and I hope you feel better. Thank you for sending me a message of hope. Hearing your stories gives me some comfort. It really does,
This evening my iPad would not turn on. Said a quick prayer and after five minutes it started to work. I realised how grateful I was for my access to the outside world and how bereft I would be without it. Wish my prayers for my life would have such quick results!
I will go back to GA when I feel ready to. I cannot face breaking down in this environment so I will leave it for now. It genuinely wasn’t helping me so ihave to stop. My daughter is giving me some St. John’s wort for Xmas and I hope this will improve my exhaustion with this whole situation.
Yes 2017 has been an annual horribilis. Maybe the delay in obtaining bankruptcy is a good thing. I know that I needed to rest as I was so jaded by the world and my last relapse was an attempt to destroy myself with the disease entering into What I would say is the final stage of self destruction, as it does. I see it as a separate entity that is progressive and runs its course. At least I have the power to say no to that every day. That is easy being where I am. At 60 I don’t know if I can recover any sort of a life and I know Vera will relate to the feeling that we are running out of time.
Sending all my friends on this site warm wishes at Xmas and here’s to a new year celebrating the benefits of recovery.

[Monica1]

Well was up all night and day yesterday and tried to stay awake for the 10pm group but fell asleep at quarter to ten and woke up at 4am, strange hours I am on.
I did fascinating stuff yesterday like goi g to the council to provide evidence as to why I claimed so late for support. On the way on the bus a very talkative woman who just wouldn’t stop was going on about being ready for Xmas and doing some last minute shopping. I winced inside asit it’s keeps hitting home. No wonder I don’t go out. I don’t feellike part of the human race. And then listening to the radio about the passport being blue infuture re brezit. This country is heading off the edge of a cliff like lemmings. It’s crazy.

I am completely excluded from Life itself as I have nothing. This I keep finding extremely painful. I still haven’t rung my sister to warn her about my state as she will need to pick me up from the railway station when I would usually Take a taxi. This having nothing at Xmas has never happened and I remember last year when I spent a small fortune in Swarovski getting lovely jewellery for all the girls in the family. Why life has all been so harsh with me I do not know. I deserve far better than this.
I got a letter yesterday saying that my medical certificate has not been received when I handed it in personally. I realised that the dole office had lost it and I got extremely agitated and anxious. Missinga monthly benefit payment means eviction. Thankfully, my work coach sorted it out this morning, I hate the power this system holds over me.
I email the housing officer and ask about progress to find she is going in the wrong direction by going to stepchange re bankruptcy,who,wot deal with me because of the revenue debt. There is nowhere to go and this,is her job yet she doesn’t know where to go with it. .i am in limbo .I am bankrupt but can’t file for it.
I

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