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Hi again Boss lady,
Living apart must be very difficult and confusing for you but if he is genuinely working on this addiction then he is working on your relationship because until he is free from the addiction there really is no room for anything else. Many gamblers would not make this move and would be bringing their partner down with them so it shows he cares.Sorry if you have already said but does he have someone taking care of his money because he will find it hard to move forward if he has free access to his funds?
Gambling addiction is a horrible thing and a very hard thing for any of us non gamblers to get our heads around. It takes over the person and controls everything they do especially how they can relate to others. There is usually a great deal of shame, guilt and regret attached to it which in turn leads to more gambling as a way to forget and try and ‘fix’ it, of course that only makes it worse. Some times a gambler will push away those close to him/her feeling like they are will some how pollute others or that they are not worth loving. Your husbands behavior is no reflection on you, if he is trying to recover he has to do what he has to do and the fact he wants to is a good sign. A note of caution though in that it may be possible he is actually making more space to gamble by not having you around if he doesn’t have the right support, I am not saying that is the case I am just saying be mindful of it. It is also possible he might be trying to protect you or a bit of both.
My advice would be to try not to focus on the fact you are apart right now but instead keep on taking care of yourself, keeping yourself strong and working on becoming a stronger you. This will give you the tools you need for the future regardless of the outcome and the strength to do what is best for you. Looking after you is also the best thing you can do for your husband and for the relationship.
There is a lot of information on this and other sites where you can get more information to understanding about compulsive gambling to help you better understand, there are also various support groups I believe which may help. Don’t forget you can also talk live in the group here on a Thursday night 8-9pm UK time. Lily x
Hi Elle, that does sound like progress, the more people he can tell the more of a safety net he has around him even telling one person is a good sign. My partner now tells everyone, it has taken him a long time to get to that point but it has helped enormously with his recovery. Any news on the counselor yet? He will need help and support to move on with this, it is a very difficult (if not impossible) thing to escape from on your own. For my partner it has been a long and difficult recovery after 30+ years of ingrained gambling, the longer it goes on the worse it gets and the harder it becomes for them to see a way out so it is good your partner is looking at his problem relatively early on but it is important he gets the help he needs to back up his good intentions too.
I am glad you have family around you and hope you are enjoying motherhood. You are obviously a very caring person but (sorry to be repetitive), keep taking care of you and the time to do and enjoy what you love.
I am very good at the moment, I am enjoying my life and my partner who is in a really good place in himself and in his recovery right now. I have found that living in the moment but understanding that things do change for good and bad keeps me on an even keel. My ‘baby’ will be 11 this year and it only seems like yesterday he was a babe in arms like yours.
I hope you have a good week and things keep moving forward for you and your partner. Lily x
Hi Logic, It is nice to see you posting but please remember your post is for you so post when you need to (although of course once people comment on a post they do look to see how people are doing and it is always good to hear from the original contributor).
It sounds like you hit a real low and have come out of it understanding that you need to protect yourself a little better. As for ‘bringing your partner down with you’ if you are not shouting at him or making personal remarks or deliberately making him feel guilty then his moods are just that ‘his’. CG often go through many low times and we don’t always get to know the full reason for them, so much is hidden, it’s not your fault or responsibility. As you have so astutely observed though there can be a patten to these moods (there was a post up the other day about this very subject).
You are in a difficult position because your cg is in denial and honestly there is not much you can do in this situation except not be party to the addiction (ie gambling with them, accepting gifts from a win or lending or giving money) which I believe you are already doing.
If it is difficult to be around him at these argumentative periods you could always keep the visits shorter to protect yourself a little or spend some of your time together engaged in an activity either with or without him by way of a detraction and to break things up.
He is a fortunate man to have such a caring and tolerant partner whilst he is not willing to look at his own problems. It is vital you have time for you whether this be spending time with friends or family or engaging in a passion or hobby, this is what keeps us sane and balanced, it is impossible to keep balanced when your life becomes all about the addiction.
Please don’t apologize about a post not being positive enough, the forum is here for you in good times and bad and to help you get your own thoughts clear, we are all here to support each other.
Take care of yourself, Lily x
Thinking of you today. Hope all goes smoothly and you can get a date sorted for the funeral very soon. Lily x
Hi Elle, sounds like you are doing amazingly, While you are waiting for counseling their is also the helpline on this sight he can contact for help and advice and most gamblers anonymous are drop in (he can google to find the nearest), some people find GA invaluable.
I hope your baby is growing and thriving and you are able to enjoy him/her, tose first milestones go by in a flash so I hope you able to take time to enjoy them with all that’s going on. Do you have family near you for support for you?
Take one day at a time and keep on keeping on, Lily x
Hi Elle, I am really sorry to hear about you having this blow at such a special time in your life.
You really are asking the right questions unfortunately no one can tell you what to do and there is no right or wrong in terms of how you feel about your partner. All i can do is give you some tips and my own experience.
The good things are he has told you initially, he has admitted it when he has been caught out and he is willing to seek help, these are good signs and give hope.
If you wish to help him the number one thing you need to do is take control of the money. This is not just for him but it is also to protect you and your baby. Gambling addiction is a horrible thing and it is a long process to be free of it so it is vital to take temptation out of the way and free access to money is the number one temptation. Gamblers at this stage often don’t want anyone to know but the reasons for letting people know are two fold. Firstly so you have support and secondly so that other people are aware of the problem and don’t inadvertently enable it by for example lending him money so I would encourage you to try and get him to be more open about it.
In all honesty the likely hood is he will gamble again at some point, there are no quick fixes, all you can do is reduce the likelihood by the things I have already outlined.
Is he attending GA? That could be a good starting point for him for his recovery.
I can not tell you to leave or stay but whatever you decided please take care of yourself and your baby. Spend time with friends or family, go shopping, do hobbies or whatever else you need to do. Perhaps even book a counselor for yourself to help you get through this period and have someone to listen to you and space to make these hard choices.
I am sorry for my short reply but I am just out the door. I have been dealing with this situation for many years myself though so if you want to have a look at my recent posts it might give you an idea of how it played out for me although my partner was many years into a very heavy addiction and multiple debts before I even met him.
Please keep us updated as here on the forum we always wonder how people are getting on and it can be a good place to make a start with taking care of your needs and worried. All the best Lily x
Hi Red it was nice to meet you in the group tonight and thought I would pop over to read your story. I can not imagine what it must be like to have that bond of mother and son affected so much by gambling addiction. You seem to have your head screwed on and are doing everything you can. I am glad to hear you are looking after you. There is only so much you can do for a gambler in denial but knowing you love him and are there for him but insuring he knows you will not condone or enable the gambling can only be the right thing. Your son is lucky to have such a caring mother. Hope to catch up with you again sometime Lily x
You have taken a brave step and in my opinion the right step for both you and your husband. At this point he really needs to be seeking help. He can’t put the past right and it is pointless dwelling on it, what you need is for him to move forward and he can only do that by seeking proper help for his addiction.
My partner struggled with addiction and eventually it split us up and we didn’t talk for many years, however he did eventually come back much changed as was I. Spending the time working on ourselves and fixing the problems we seperatly had ultimately fixed our relationship, turned out though we had to go through that process apart before we could be together.
Spend this time apart building and/or maintaining a life for you and your children, try not to put time scales on things, it is about what changed not how much time has passed. If he is commited to his recovery and your relationship is a good one things will fall into place as long as you are committed to yourself to and wanting your life to be the best it can.
I understand what a difficult time you must be having and I will be thinking of you. Lily x
Hi Mimmy, what an awful shock this must of been for you! I have nothing more to add to velvet’s great advice but just wanted to let you know people are hear reading and listening. One silver lining is you have found out now, he has a chance of escaping the gambling trap before things get any worse. I do hope you are managing to keep yourself busy and having some time out for you, easier said than done I am sure when you have had such a shock. Take care of yourself and keep posting. Lily x
Hi Jenny, you are doing so well, there is such strength in your post along side the sadness. What it boils down to is it is hard to let go of someone you love but I found it easier to say I was not supporting the addiction, I refused to have a relationship with it, I would not be dragged in and let it claim another victim. This may not work for you but I found it helpful. You need to keep protecting yourself and your kids which you seem to be doing a good job of.
You are obviously a strong capable caring woman who is doing her very best in a very difficult situation. I get exactly what you say about being a single mum, sometimes just having someone to talk about worries with your children or a tough day at work can be worth its weight in gold however there are other places you can get that. In my case I use a counsellor but there are lots of mum’s groups or other social groups where you can make that network to have support around you and you don’t have to tell them everything (I know it can be hard when you have a cg in your life and worry about being judged) even letting out the everyday stresses helps enormously as it gives you space to deal with other things.
Keep on keeping on you are doing great, Lily x
Hi Velvet I hope Logic doesn’t mind me popping on her thread to say I am so sorry for your loss and I will try to get on here a little more to offer support whilst you are coming to terms with things. Lily x
Hi Logic, so sorry to hear about you having this rough time. I am sure it felt horrible and I am glad you had your home to go back to and a safe place to reflect. Please remember it is not your fault or any reflection on you. I can’t second guess his reasons but I can say that stating arguments in order to gain the time/space/excuse to gamble is something that does happen. It could be a multitude of reasons but I can almost guarantee you it had nothing to do with anything you have said or done. Most gamblers have very low self esteem and are fully aware they are not a good proposition for a relationship. He may feel he is not good enough or that it is better you see the ‘real him’ now before its too late.
Hopefully you have had time to gather your thoughts and recover. As where you go from here it is up to you but it is a tough one without clear communication which is next to impossible with a gambler in denial. Try to take some time for you doing something you enjoy enough to not be constantly thinking about your cg.
Sorry I couldn’t get back to you before, lily x
Hi Dove, I have been through this same process with my CG 7 years ago. He too at the last minute questioned if it was necessary. It was really hard. I missed him, I worried about him, all my time was tied up with wondering if it is working/will work. I know now this was not what I should of been doing and for my CG he was just biding time until he could come back home for the first part of it. Later when I distanced myself he was more able to engage with treatment although the process after leaving has been a long one.
As velvet said the best thing you can do is take care of you. The help they receive during treatment is second to none, they receive great support, once in treatment it is up to them. It is up to you to take care of you and your life.
For my CG and I the road has been a rocky one but I know the one thing my CG always says to me is how much I have changed and how much stronger I am and this really seems to help him as he knows I will be ok no matter what happens, it is one less thing to worry about for him and means I can keep my day to day life together without fearing what might happen.
During treatment a CG will learn to live one day at a time, I found that applying the same to myself has helped enormously. I make sure I allow myself to enjoy the good moments, make time for the things I enjoy, watch my son grow, go on little breaks and spend time with my family. When I spend time with my CG I enjoy that too, he is in no doubt about my zero tolerance on gambling but we don’t make our life about his recovery, our relationship is about us and make the most of the time we have together. I let him take the lead on talking about past issues or present temptations and don’t bring it up. I can do this because my life is now fully protected if his recovery should slip in the future (money, house ect).
It is very hard to change for anyone and we may kick against it but it is necessary if we want to see change in our lives for the better we have to work on the inside first. I would strongly recommend finding a good counselor so that you have someone to talk to during the process and help with your recovery from all the trials and tribulations that have gone before.
I really hope he does go in for the treatment, it is his best hope at recovery and for a better life. Keep us posted, Lily x
Hi Logic, Velvet makes some really good points about writing to a cg and I can totally see her point, you certainly have to be very careful how you word things so I can see how a letter could be misinterpreted. I do hope things have got a little easier for you and I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are getting on. Lilly x
Hi Chey,
My heart goes out to you. I too had a baby with a gambling addict, I left him when my baby was one year old, I have never regretted it. You have done a brave thing and put yourself and your baby first, my advice for you is – Keep yourself safe, try to make friends, being pregnant is a good time to make close friendships, eat healthy, appreciate the family that have taken you in, time will go by, things will get easier at some point, truly they will.As for him actions talk louder than words, be clear with him why you left and if he wants to fix it he needs to do something about him and seek professional help. Try not to let his moods, successes and failures rock you to much, concentrate on the growing life within you. Maybe find a birthing buddy so you have support through that and you are not relying on him.
As for later when the baby is born, try not to worry about that yet, like them (CG’s) we need to take one day at a time, find something you like to do each day, build your life baby step by baby step. You may well find things look very different to you in a years time. You can’t possibly make any decisions until you get there. He may amaze you and step up, you may find yourself in a position where your life is about you and your baby and his influence is suddenly less. If he is violent you have a right to protect you and your baby from that whatever the ‘reason’ behind it (in my eyes there is no excuse).
Keep posting you will only find love and support on this forum. Hugs, Lily x