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Hi again CD, I think personally the question for you really ‘is do I want to continue the way things are?’ For me my partner and i were best friends as well as lovers so it was me he came to when things went horribly wrong with the gambling. I knew I wanted the relationship with him more than anything, I felt powerless because to me the only thing wrong with our relationship was the gambling but he couldn’t/wouldn’t stop even after I basically marched him in to therapy. I had to walk away for my own sanity because I knew I couldn’t live my life never knowing if he was blowing the rent money, coming home or lying to me about where he had been. I wanted a relationship that was built on trust and there could be none with the gambling in our lives. I ended things when he gambled while in residential treatment and lied about it.
I had to accept it was over in order for us both to move forward and it has taken him 7 years to get the CGing under control. We are dating again and the relationship is everything I knew it could be but I had to let go and accept it wasn’t what I needed or wanted first in order to get to the point things are now.
I believe if you take a step back then you will know your answers, but I don’t believe you can build and grow a relationship on the foundations of an unmanaged addiction personally and for him while things are all ticking along and he can have you and his addiction why would he want to change? I hope this makes sense. Lily x
Hi again Logic, I really see so many parallels in your story and mine (if you feel like it read my post ‘shades of grey 7 years on). I knew next to nothing about CGing when I first came across it and I was completely at sea. When I came on the forum people use to say ‘look after you’ and I use to get so frustrated because I wanted to help him and I had no idea what looking after me looks like, I didn’t until well after he was in treatment not really.
Thing is this addiction sweeps the people around the affected person into its whirlpool and stops them being able to see the way out, the person and the loved one can easily drown in it if they are not careful, it is a horrible place to be, it can sap you of strength and reason.
A lot of this though is the illusion the addiction creates to take attention away from it’s self. The steps for him are simple (though hard to achieve) 1.admit it, 2.deal with, 3.keep mindful it could return. Before he can have a proper life let alone a successful relationship this is what needs to happen, all of the other things he talks about doing can not work without these other things happening, it is the way out of the whirlpool for him.
You don’t have a gambling addiction so you can step out any time, either by ending the relationship or by seeing it how it actually is. Only he can find his exit, try to save him and you will get dragged down with him.
Your steps are firstly to see things as they are not as he tells you they are, I remember my partner telling me our future was the only thing that mattered to him that he loved me more than anything in the world, that he couldn’t live without me to which I replied if I felt like that about having someone in my future I would be banging down the doors of the treatment centre begging them to let me in so I could be free to have that wonderful life I wanted. Actions speak loader than words, watch as much as listen, don’t be swept up by the words.
Next you need to accept, I mean really accept, you can not do it for him and while it may not be his choice to gamble it is his choice to deny it’s a problem. Protect your money, do not enable by helping him out with money or put yourself in a position where his lack of money will effect you. He may complain about this and this is where step three comes in, voice what you need from the relationship, I find writing is best as it makes them have to listen and they can look at it again perhaps in a different state of mind. No accusations, no putting down the man, talk about you. ie I need to be able to trust, I need a safe financial future or in my case it was always I need to protect my child from outside issues, I can not invite them in.
The final step is take a step back, get on with your life and do not step forward again until there are signs of a step forward from them towards their own rescue.
My CG is the love of my life, he means the world to me but I have learned the only way for us to be together is for us both to take responsibility for our own lives. Seeing me strong helps him stay strong and these days seeing me happy makes him happy and builds his self esteem and makes the chances of him gambling again lessen with each day. So you see by not being always available, by having a life, friends, ambitions you lead the way, you show him what a real life looks like and if things with him break down you have something to fall back on.
This is only my experience and how I see things but I hope it makes some sense and there is something useful there.
You are doing better than you think, you are hear, you are listening, you are learning, all part of looking after you 🙂
Lily x
It was nice to meet you in the group the other day and I was sorry you had to rush off. Much of what you said resonates with me and my own experiences. I have been around in a big circle and look at things with very different eyes now.
Firstly be aware what you are having a relationship with now is not the man but the addiction, he is in full gambling mode (you don’t need to be constantly gambling to be in the mode). The addiction is telling him not to let you in, not to talk to you about it, that he needs it more than you, if he can provoke an argument then he will have time for his first love – gambling. The man is lost in all of this somewhere, you are not relating to him at all.
Because of this and the fact he doesn’t even want to talk about his addiction much less tackle it I would personally suggest you at the very least keep him at arms length. You could try perhaps writing to him explaining that moving closer can’t be an option at the moment as you are not prepared to be compromised and responsible for him. That you are happy to continue a relationship with him but you no longer wish to drink or gamble with him/be around him when he is because you feel it is not a positive thing for him. That if things did change in the future that you may consider moving forward but that it is impossible at this time, a least that is how I may of dealt with it in retrospect.
Drinking by the way can be a huge trigger for gambling the two often go very much hand in hand.
7 years ago I took my partner in when he got into a lot of problems with his gambling so much so his life was in danger. We went through many stages over many months from minimizing it to finally accepting help to appease me, it was the hardest time of my life. When he gambled again during residential treatment we split up (I left him as I told him I would if he did).
It was horrendous to get so far and fall at the last hurdle. However he went on with his treatment, it was a struggle for him and for me not to take him back when he emailed, though I did answer them. Anyway to cut a long story short we are now back in touch, I can finally see he is more the man than the addiction. He has to work on it and has not been consistently ‘clean’ over the last 4 years but he is emerging. I love him dearly, we have a wonderful relationship but I would not have him living with me again. My plan is to enjoy the man, I reject the gambling, that his problem, I don’t bring it up there is no need to as long as it doesn’t affect me and as long as there is enough of the man for me to relate to, it is good for both of us. He can continue his recovery and I don’t have the stress and sickening anxiety. It is something i will have to keep checking myself on though. Perhaps one day he will be totally gamble free but I don’t live waiting for that day to come and accept it may not. He will always be a CG regardless recovery never stops even after 20 years clean they still need to remain mindful.
Sorry to go off on one about my own life, lol, it was to illustrate a point honest! I hope some of it helps, Lily x
Hi CD, I come from a relationship with a CG who I knew was a CG when I met him so found your question about whether or not you really knew your husband an interesting one. I don’t know what he was like when you met him but chances are as you say he already had an underlying addiction problem. It may be that being in a relationship has made him feel more guilt and shame about the addiction which starts a chain of gambling (or in your case gaming) to hide away from those unpleasant feelings. Gambling addiction isn’t always a straight path down, different things provoke the addiction to worsen in different people, its all down to what drove them there in the first place.
For me I was able to see the person behind the gambler although that didn’t make it any easier to live with, and am fortunate many years on I can finally see him fully. Sex drive is affected by gambling, gamblers will often put down a partner to keep them from asking too many questions so these aspects may well be down to the gambling. As for who he really is ask yourself what you fell in love with as I am guessing it wasn’t either of those things or the fact he is ‘bad with money’, if there are real tangable things there then underneath is a person worth loving. The real questions however are how do you take care of you and protect yourself from this addiction? Is there enough there for you to want to continue the relationship through the challenges of his addiction?
I have to go but I hope I have helped a bit and do keep posting. Lily x
Hi Ladyace, I read your post and I can fully relate to your sense of turmoil and confusion. It is great that you have found this forum and are taking steps to get support for YOU.
This is an incredibly hard situation and your husband is fortunate to have your support. I would agree that threatening to leave is not the answer, from experience I would say never make an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it through.
Is your husband undergoing any therapy and treatment at the moment? It is a really positive thing that he admits the problem this is a great start and a glimmer of hope but this addiction is a very complex and difficult one and he will need professional help and support if he is not getting it already.
I would strongly advise you to tighten the reins further on the money for your own sake. Ideally he would only have a small allowance for day to day things like petrol with no access to bank accounts ect.
Once you have secured the finances and he is seeking help there really is not much more you can do for him and it is time to look after you. this is also the very best thing you can do for him. Knowing you are ok and when/if he slips you are in a strong place emotionally and financially it will help him not to spiral into guilt. Guilt and shame are ironically some of the biggest driving forces in Compulsive gambling. It is a vicious circle of gambling, feeling guilty and worthless and so gambling to escape that feeling.
So Take time for yourself, don’t let your own life, family or work suffer, try to live in the moment and not worry to much about what he is up to (yes I do know how hard this is), do not let the addiction ruin your life as well as his.
After he has had a gambling binge, you need to ask what steps he is going to take to make it different in the future not for apologies. Offer support for making a change (ie seeking help, looking honestly at his problems) not for gambling.
The last thing I would say from my own experience and something I have to say I did not succeed in is try not to allow the relationship become all about the gambling, Remember the man you fell in love with, spend time together and talk about other things as much as possible. Remind him and yourself why what you have is worth saving.
I hope some of this helps. It will be a long hard road, there are no quick fixes, only you know whether you can hang on in there for the journey or whether a point will come when you have had enough but I guarantee you the more you look after you and feed yourself the better placed you will be to make those decisions as you go along and be able to feel sure of them.
These are only my views based on my experience and I am sure you will get many and varied replies from all the wonderful people on this forum as I did. Take what feels right for you from it and never be afraid to post what you are truly feeling, bye for now, Lily x
Hi again Tara, I now you read my thread so you now I had relationships with two CG’s at different times and they could not be more different. Just because someone has an addiction they don’t all have the same traits although they may have similar habits to mask the addiction. My first CG (in denial) partner was emotionally abusive in the extreme and though he never hit me would make me think he was about to so I had that implied threat hanging over me. He would disappear for days, chuck me out, make me do emotional tests to see if I was worthy. He was cold, insulting and very manipulative not just about the gambling but in every way.
My second partner told me from day one he was a CG and was reluctant to get involved due to this. Although he lied to me many times in the past about his gambling and could not be trust around money he has always been kind, supportive and loving. He would never put me down or raise a hand to me and even in his worst states would still wish to protect me and keep me safe. His history of gambling has got him in to far more trouble than my first partner so it is not the severity of the gambling that has made this difference, it is the underlying personality of the person, at least that is what I believe.
Well done for doing such a brave thing and putting yourself first. It is not about what is the cause of the behavior really though, it is about what you are prepared and able to take before you take a step back. Once you have taken that step back it is a lot easier to see the wood from the trees and whether or not there is a way forward (ie will things change if he gets treatment or will the problems still be there, is there a way I can protect myself from aspects of his behavior or are they a part of his personality that are not good for me).
No addiction in my view is an excuse for actively abusing another person although that is not to say people do not get hurt emotionally or financially as a result of CG because they do.
Hope this helps clear things up for you a bit, Lilly x
Hi Chamomile,
I have been where you are and I feel for you so much. Two things I would say which are oly my personal opinion.1. If you feel you can’t take any more then yes you have made the right decision for you at this time.
2. Just because you are ending things now doesn’t mean it has to be forever. If he is as he says serious about getting help then that will help him and you may at a later date be able to rebuild your relationship.
The only other thing I can say which I am sure lots of others have/will say is take care of you. You can’t do it for him. As part of taking care of you if he has asked you to take care of finances do or you may find there are none left aside from the obvious temptation for him.
It is not any easy choice, 7 years on I don’t regret my choice at the time at all and my life has improved as a result but shutting the book for me wasn’t the end of the story but eventually was the start of a better one. I hope you find some space to look at things clearly and be resolved on your final decision one way or another, Lilly x
Hello Whereetonow, is-sitwazzjoni li tinsab fiha hija familjari għalija kif se jkunu għal ħafna qari. Jekk jogħġbok nara li diġà kellek tweġibiet eċċellenti minn Velvet u li żort il-grupp. Jekk jogħġbok, tkunx iebes miegħek innifsek biex tiżżewweġ lir-raġel li tħobb jew li jkollok tfal miegħu, qatt ma nistgħu nkunu nafu l-mod kif se jmorru l-affarijiet. Il-logħob tal-azzard kompulsiv huwa marda orribbli li sħab kull ġudizzju u tagħmel lil min ibati manipulattiv u sigriet. Meta lagħba kompulsiv jieħu l-flus il-vizzju jikkonvinċih li se jħallasha lura għax ovvjament se jirbaħ. Sfortunatament m'hemm l-ebda ħaġa bħal rebħa għal Cg peress li ma jistgħux jitilqu anke meta jkunu 'l fuq, jgħaddu ħajjithom jiġru jitlef u huwa ċirku vizzjuż.
Il-logħob tal-azzard kompulsiv jista 'jitfejjaq u għalkemm qatt ma jista' jitfejjaq, ħafna CG's ikomplu jkollhom ħajja kuntenta ta 'logħob tal-azzard ħielsa. Madankollu jridu jkollhom dak it-trattament u dik hija l-kwistjoni. Kif Velvet diġà qal li allowance tal-logħob tal-azzard mhux se tgħin, il-logħob tal-azzard għandu t-tendenza li jiggrava meta ma jiġix ittrattat u l-logħob tal-azzard fi kwalunkwe forma huwa le le le anke jekk huwa għal ftit jew xejn flus, iżomm il-vizzju ħaj ġewwa l-persuna. Ir-raġel tiegħek qatt fittex l-għajnuna? Ikun lest li jipprova? Meta tkellem miegħu tista 'tipprova tissepara l-persuna għal-logħob tal-azzard allura meta tgħid affarijiet bħal' jekk tħobbni … 'tista' tgħid li nħobbok imma ma nistax ngħix bil-logħob tal-azzard. Sibt li poġġieni f'pożizzjoni psikoloġikament aktar b'saħħitha.
Il-vizzju jiffjorixxi fis-segretezza u għandek bżonn l-appoġġ, mhu xejn li tibqa 'mistħija bih, m'għamilt xejn ħażin u allura jekk hemm nies li tista' tafda fihom imbagħad ħu l-opportunità li tagħmel hekk. Ħu ħsieb tiegħek innifsek u tat-tfal tiegħek l-ewwel dejjem. Int qiegħed tagħmel it-tajjeb biex tieħu ħsieb il-finanzi anke jekk dak ma jaħdimx 100%, jista 'jkun diffiċli li twaqqaf lil CG milli jżomm il-flus meta jkunu fil-qabda sħiħa tal-vizzju kif jidher li hu r-raġel tiegħek.
Int biss tista 'tkun taf meta wasal iż-żmien li titlaq, hija xi ħaġa li tħoss ġo fik innifsek. Li tqatta 'ħafna ħin ma' CG tħallik tħossok verament dgħajjef u msawwat sabiex tkun iktar b'saħħtu milli taħseb. Jekk għadek m'intix lest biex tagħmel dik il-waqfa tħeġġu biex ifittex l-għajnuna, ġiegħlu jifhem din hija l-unika tama għal ħajtu titjieb u r-relazzjoni tiegħek tibqa 'ħajja. Dak li qatt tiddeċiedi kun żgur li int ċar ħafna u 100% impenjat għal dak li tgħid li se tagħmel, kwalunkwe backtracking se jitqies bħala dgħjufija mill-vizzju u jwassal għal aktar manipulazzjoni. Fl-aħħar mill-aħħar trid tagħmel dak li tħoss li hu tajjeb għalik u għall-familja tiegħek, xi triq li tieħu dejjem issib appoġġ hawn. Lil x
"Ħadd ma jista 'jmur lura u jibda bidu ġdid, imma kulħadd jista' jibda llum u jagħmel tmiem ġdid." (Maria Robinson)Hi Wheretonow, the situation you are in is familiar to me as they will be to many reading. I am please to see you have already had excellent responses from Velvet and that you have visited the group. Please don’t be hard on yourself for marrying the man you love or for having kids with him, we can never know the way things will turn out. Compulsive gambling is a horrible illness that clouds every judgment and makes the suffer manipulative and secretive. When a compulsive gambler takes money the addiction convinces him he will repay it because of course he is going to win. Unfortunately there is no such thing as winning for a Cg as they can not walk away even when they are up, they spend their life chasing loses and it is a vicious circle.
Compulsive gambling is treatable and although it can never be cured, many CG’s do go on to have happy fulfilled gamble free lives. They have to want to have that treatment though and that is the issue. As Velvet has already said a gambling allowance will not help, gambling tends to get worse when not treated and gambling in any form is a complete no no even if it is for very little or no money, it keeps the addiction alive within the person. Has your husband ever sought help? Would he be willing to try? When you talk to him you could try separating out the person for the gambling then when he says things like ‘if you loved me…’ you can say I love you but I can not live with the gambling. I found that put me in a psychologically stronger position.
The addiction thrives in secrecy and you need support, it is nothing to be ashamed of, you have done nothing wrong so if there are people you can confide in then take the opportunity to do so. Take care of yourself and your kids first always. You are doing the right thing taking charge of the finances even if that is not working 100%, it can be so hard to stop a CG getting hold of money when they are in the full grip of the addiction as your husband seems to be.
Only you can know when the time has come to walk away, it is something you will feel within yourself. Spending a lot of time with a CG leaves you feeling really weak and beaten down so you will be stronger than you think. If you are not yet ready to make that break urge him to seek help, make him understand this is the only hope for his life getting better and your relationship surviving. What ever you do decide make sure you are very clear and 100% committed to what you say you are going to do, any backtracking will be seen as weakness by the addiction and will lead to more manipulation. Ultimately you must do what you feel is right for you and your family, what ever path you take you will always find support here. Lil x
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. (Maria Robinson)Sveiki, Kurtonai, situacija, kurioje esate, man pažįstama, kaip ir daugeliui skaitančių. Malonu matyti, kad jau gavote puikius „Velvet“ atsakymus ir kad lankėtės grupėje. Prašau, nebūkite griežti sau, kad susituokėte su mylimu vyru ar susilaukėte su juo vaikų, mes niekada negalime žinoti, kaip viskas klostysis. Priverstiniai lošimai yra siaubinga liga, kuri užtemdo kiekvieną sprendimą ir daro nukentėjusįjį manipuliuojančiu ir slaptu. Kai priverstinis lošėjas ima pinigus, priklausomybė įtikina jį, kad jis grąžins pinigus, nes, žinoma, jis laimės. Deja, nėra tokio dalyko, kaip laimėti Cg, nes jie negali išeiti net atsikėlę, visą gyvenimą vaikosi pralaimėjimų ir tai yra užburtas ratas.
Priverstiniai lošimai yra gydomi ir, nors jie niekada negali būti išgydyti, daugelis CG vis dar gyvena laimingai ir be lošimų. Tačiau jie turi norėti tokio gydymo ir tai yra problema. Kaip „Velvet“ jau sakė, kad azartinių lošimų pašalpa nepadės, azartiniai lošimai linkę pablogėti, kai jie nebus gydomi, o lošimas bet kokia forma yra visiškas „ne“, net jei už labai mažą pinigų sumą ar be jo, tai išlaiko priklausomybę žmogaus viduje. Ar jūsų vyras kada nors kreipėsi pagalbos? Ar jis norėtų pabandyti? Kai kalbate su juo, galite pabandyti atskirti asmenį nuo lošimo, o tada, kai jis sako tokius dalykus kaip „jei tu mane mylėtum …“, tu gali pasakyti, kad aš tave myliu, bet aš negaliu gyventi su lošimu. Radau, kad tai padėjo man psichologiškai stipresnę padėtį.
Priklausomybė klesti paslaptyje ir jums reikia paramos, nėra ko gėdytis, nieko blogo nepadarėte, taigi, jei yra žmonių, kuriais galite pasitikėti, pasinaudokite galimybe tai padaryti. Pirmiausia visada rūpinkitės savimi ir savo vaikais. Jūs elgiatės teisingai, vadovaudamiesi finansais, net jei tai neveikia 100%, gali būti taip sunku sustabdyti CG pinigų gavimą, kai jie yra visiškai priklausomi nuo priklausomybės, kaip atrodo jūsų vyrui.
Tik jūs galite žinoti, kada atėjo laikas pasitraukti, tai pajusite savyje. Praleidę daug laiko su CG, jausitės tikrai silpni ir sumušti, todėl būsite stipresni, nei manote. Jei dar nesate pasiruošęs, kad ši pertrauka paskatintų jį ieškoti pagalbos, leiskite jam suprasti, kad tai vienintelė viltis, kad jo gyvenimas pagerės ir jūsų santykiai išliks. Kad ir ką nuspręstumėte, įsitikinkite, kad esate labai aiškus ir 100% įsipareigojęs tam, ką sakote, kad padarysite, bet koks atsitraukimas priklausomybės dėka bus laikomas silpnumu ir paskatins daugiau manipuliuoti. Galų gale jūs turite daryti tai, kas, jūsų manymu, tinka jums ir jūsų šeimai, nesvarbu, kokiu keliu eisite, čia visada rasite palaikymą. Lil x
„Niekas negali grįžti atgal ir pradėti naują pradžią, bet kiekvienas gali pradėti šiandien ir padaryti naują pabaigą“. (Maria Robinson)Hallo Wheretonow, de situatie waarin je je bevindt is voor mij bekend, zoals ze voor velen zullen zijn. Ik ben blij om te zien dat je al uitstekende reacties van Velvet hebt gehad en dat je de groep hebt bezocht. Wees alsjeblieft niet streng voor jezelf omdat je getrouwd bent met de man van wie je houdt of omdat je kinderen met hem hebt gekregen, we kunnen nooit weten hoe de dingen zullen aflopen. Dwangmatig gokken is een vreselijke ziekte die elk oordeel vertroebelt en het lijden manipulatief en geheimzinnig maakt. Wanneer een dwangmatige gokker geld neemt, overtuigt de verslaving hem ervan dat hij het zal terugbetalen omdat hij natuurlijk gaat winnen. Helaas bestaat er niet zoiets als winnen voor een Cg, omdat ze niet weg kunnen lopen, zelfs niet als ze op zijn, ze hun hele leven bezig zijn met het najagen van verliezen en het is een vicieuze cirkel.
Dwangmatig gokken is behandelbaar en hoewel het nooit kan worden genezen, gaan veel CG's door met een gelukkig vervuld gokvrij leven. Ze moeten die behandeling wel willen hebben en dat is het probleem. Zoals Velvet al zei dat een goktoelage niet zal helpen, wordt gokken meestal erger als het niet wordt behandeld en gokken in welke vorm dan ook is een compleet nee, zelfs als het voor weinig of geen geld is, het houdt de verslaving in de persoon levend. Heeft uw man ooit hulp gezocht? Zou hij het willen proberen? Als je met hem praat, kun je proberen de persoon te scheiden voor het gokken en als hij dingen zegt als 'als je van me hield…' kun je zeggen dat ik van je hou, maar ik kan niet leven met het gokken. Ik merkte dat dat me in een psychologisch sterkere positie bracht.
De verslaving gedijt in het geheim en je hebt steun nodig, het is niets om je voor te schamen, je hebt niets verkeerd gedaan, dus als er mensen zijn die je kunt vertrouwen, maak dan van de gelegenheid gebruik om dat te doen. Zorg altijd eerst voor jezelf en je kinderen. Je doet het juiste om de financiën in handen te nemen, zelfs als dat niet 100% werkt, kan het zo moeilijk zijn om te voorkomen dat een CG aan geld komt als ze in de greep zijn van de verslaving, zoals je man lijkt te zijn.
Alleen jij kunt weten wanneer het tijd is om weg te lopen, het is iets dat je in jezelf zult voelen. Als je veel tijd met een CG doorbrengt, voel je je erg zwak en verslagen, dus je zult sterker zijn dan je denkt. Als je er nog niet klaar voor bent om die breuk te maken, spoor hem dan aan om hulp te zoeken, laat hem begrijpen dat dit de enige hoop is dat zijn leven beter wordt en je relatie blijft bestaan. Wat je ook besluit, zorg ervoor dat je heel duidelijk en 100% toegewijd bent aan wat je zegt dat je gaat doen, elke terugtrekking zal door de verslaving als zwakte worden gezien en zal leiden tot meer manipulatie. Uiteindelijk moet je doen wat je denkt dat goed is voor jou en je gezin, welk pad je ook neemt, je zult hier altijd steun vinden. Lil x
"Niemand kan teruggaan en een nieuw begin beginnen, maar iedereen kan vandaag beginnen en een nieuw einde maken." (Maria Robinson)ਹਾਇ ਵੇਟਰਟਨੋ, ਜਿਸ ਸਥਿਤੀ ਵਿੱਚ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਹੋ ਉਹ ਮੇਰੇ ਲਈ ਜਾਣੂ ਹੈ ਕਿਉਂਕਿ ਉਹ ਬਹੁਤ ਸਾਰੇ ਪੜ੍ਹਨ ਵਾਲਿਆਂ ਲਈ ਹੋਣਗੇ. ਮੈਂ ਇਹ ਵੇਖ ਕੇ ਖੁਸ਼ ਹਾਂ ਕਿ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਵੈਲਵੇਟ ਦੁਆਰਾ ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਹੀ ਸ਼ਾਨਦਾਰ ਜਵਾਬ ਮਿਲੇ ਹਨ ਅਤੇ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਸਮੂਹ ਦਾ ਦੌਰਾ ਕੀਤਾ ਹੈ. ਕਿਰਪਾ ਕਰਕੇ ਆਪਣੇ ਮਨਪਸੰਦ ਆਦਮੀ ਨਾਲ ਵਿਆਹ ਕਰਨ ਜਾਂ ਉਸਦੇ ਨਾਲ ਬੱਚੇ ਪੈਦਾ ਕਰਨ ਲਈ ਆਪਣੇ ਆਪ ਤੇ ਸਖਤ ਨਾ ਹੋਵੋ, ਅਸੀਂ ਕਦੇ ਨਹੀਂ ਜਾਣ ਸਕਦੇ ਕਿ ਚੀਜ਼ਾਂ ਕਿਵੇਂ ਬਦਲਣਗੀਆਂ. ਜਬਰਦਸਤੀ ਜੂਆ ਖੇਡਣਾ ਇੱਕ ਭਿਆਨਕ ਬਿਮਾਰੀ ਹੈ ਜੋ ਹਰ ਫੈਸਲੇ ਨੂੰ ਪ੍ਰਭਾਵਿਤ ਕਰਦੀ ਹੈ ਅਤੇ ਪੀੜਤਾਂ ਨੂੰ ਹੇਰਾਫੇਰੀ ਅਤੇ ਗੁਪਤ ਬਣਾਉਂਦੀ ਹੈ. ਜਦੋਂ ਇੱਕ ਮਜਬੂਰ ਕਰਨ ਵਾਲਾ ਜੁਆਰੀ ਪੈਸੇ ਲੈਂਦਾ ਹੈ ਤਾਂ ਨਸ਼ਾ ਉਸਨੂੰ ਯਕੀਨ ਦਿਵਾਉਂਦਾ ਹੈ ਕਿ ਉਹ ਇਸਦਾ ਭੁਗਤਾਨ ਕਰੇਗਾ ਕਿਉਂਕਿ ਬੇਸ਼ੱਕ ਉਹ ਜਿੱਤਣ ਜਾ ਰਿਹਾ ਹੈ. ਬਦਕਿਸਮਤੀ ਨਾਲ ਇੱਕ ਸੀਜੀ ਲਈ ਜਿੱਤਣ ਵਰਗੀ ਕੋਈ ਚੀਜ਼ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੈ ਕਿਉਂਕਿ ਉਹ ਉੱਠਣ ਦੇ ਬਾਵਜੂਦ ਦੂਰ ਨਹੀਂ ਜਾ ਸਕਦੇ, ਉਹ ਆਪਣੀ ਜ਼ਿੰਦਗੀ ਹਾਰਾਂ ਦਾ ਪਿੱਛਾ ਕਰਦੇ ਹੋਏ ਬਿਤਾਉਂਦੇ ਹਨ ਅਤੇ ਇਹ ਇੱਕ ਦੁਸ਼ਟ ਚੱਕਰ ਹੈ.
ਲਾਜ਼ਮੀ ਜੂਏ ਦਾ ਇਲਾਜ ਕੀਤਾ ਜਾ ਸਕਦਾ ਹੈ ਅਤੇ ਹਾਲਾਂਕਿ ਇਸਦਾ ਕਦੇ ਵੀ ਇਲਾਜ ਨਹੀਂ ਕੀਤਾ ਜਾ ਸਕਦਾ, ਪਰ ਬਹੁਤ ਸਾਰੇ ਸੀਜੀ ਖੁਸ਼ਹਾਲ ਪੂਰਨ ਜੂਏ ਮੁਕਤ ਜੀਵਨ ਬਤੀਤ ਕਰਦੇ ਹਨ. ਹਾਲਾਂਕਿ ਉਨ੍ਹਾਂ ਨੂੰ ਉਹ ਇਲਾਜ ਕਰਵਾਉਣਾ ਚਾਹੀਦਾ ਹੈ ਅਤੇ ਇਹ ਮੁੱਦਾ ਹੈ. ਜਿਵੇਂ ਕਿ ਵੈਲਵੇਟ ਨੇ ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਹੀ ਕਿਹਾ ਹੈ ਕਿ ਜੂਏ ਦਾ ਭੱਤਾ ਸਹਾਇਤਾ ਨਹੀਂ ਦੇਵੇਗਾ, ਜੂਆ ਉਦੋਂ ਬਦਤਰ ਹੋ ਜਾਂਦਾ ਹੈ ਜਦੋਂ ਇਲਾਜ ਨਾ ਕੀਤਾ ਜਾਵੇ ਅਤੇ ਕਿਸੇ ਵੀ ਰੂਪ ਵਿੱਚ ਜੂਆ ਖੇਡਣਾ ਸੰਪੂਰਨ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੈ ਭਾਵੇਂ ਇਹ ਬਹੁਤ ਘੱਟ ਜਾਂ ਪੈਸੇ ਦੇ ਲਈ ਹੋਵੇ, ਇਹ ਵਿਅਕਤੀ ਦੇ ਅੰਦਰ ਨਸ਼ਾ ਨੂੰ ਜਿਉਂਦਾ ਰੱਖਦਾ ਹੈ. ਕੀ ਤੁਹਾਡੇ ਪਤੀ ਨੇ ਕਦੇ ਮਦਦ ਮੰਗੀ ਹੈ? ਕੀ ਉਹ ਕੋਸ਼ਿਸ਼ ਕਰਨ ਲਈ ਤਿਆਰ ਹੋਵੇਗਾ? ਜਦੋਂ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਉਸ ਨਾਲ ਗੱਲ ਕਰਦੇ ਹੋ ਤਾਂ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਵਿਅਕਤੀ ਨੂੰ ਜੂਏ ਲਈ ਅਲੱਗ ਕਰਨ ਦੀ ਕੋਸ਼ਿਸ਼ ਕਰ ਸਕਦੇ ਹੋ, ਫਿਰ ਜਦੋਂ ਉਹ 'ਜੇ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਪਿਆਰ ਕਰਦੇ ਹੋ …' ਵਰਗੀਆਂ ਗੱਲਾਂ ਕਹਿੰਦੇ ਹੋ ਤਾਂ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਕਹਿ ਸਕਦੇ ਹੋ ਕਿ ਮੈਂ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਪਿਆਰ ਕਰਦਾ ਹਾਂ ਪਰ ਮੈਂ ਜੂਏ ਨਾਲ ਨਹੀਂ ਰਹਿ ਸਕਦਾ. ਮੈਂ ਪਾਇਆ ਕਿ ਇਸਨੇ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਮਨੋਵਿਗਿਆਨਕ ਤੌਰ ਤੇ ਮਜ਼ਬੂਤ ਸਥਿਤੀ ਵਿੱਚ ਪਾਇਆ.
ਨਸ਼ਾ ਗੁਪਤਤਾ ਵਿੱਚ ਪ੍ਰਫੁੱਲਤ ਹੁੰਦਾ ਹੈ ਅਤੇ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਸਹਾਇਤਾ ਦੀ ਜ਼ਰੂਰਤ ਹੁੰਦੀ ਹੈ, ਇਸ ਵਿੱਚ ਸ਼ਰਮਿੰਦਾ ਹੋਣ ਵਾਲੀ ਕੋਈ ਗੱਲ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੈ, ਤੁਸੀਂ ਕੁਝ ਵੀ ਗਲਤ ਨਹੀਂ ਕੀਤਾ ਹੈ ਇਸ ਲਈ ਜੇ ਇੱਥੇ ਲੋਕ ਹਨ ਜਿਨ੍ਹਾਂ 'ਤੇ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਵਿਸ਼ਵਾਸ ਕਰ ਸਕਦੇ ਹੋ ਤਾਂ ਅਜਿਹਾ ਕਰਨ ਦਾ ਮੌਕਾ ਲਓ. ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਆਪਣਾ ਅਤੇ ਆਪਣੇ ਬੱਚਿਆਂ ਦਾ ਹਮੇਸ਼ਾ ਧਿਆਨ ਰੱਖੋ. ਤੁਸੀਂ ਵਿੱਤ ਦੀ ਜ਼ਿੰਮੇਵਾਰੀ ਲੈਂਦੇ ਹੋਏ ਸਹੀ ਕੰਮ ਕਰ ਰਹੇ ਹੋ ਭਾਵੇਂ ਇਹ 100%ਕੰਮ ਨਾ ਕਰ ਰਿਹਾ ਹੋਵੇ, ਜਦੋਂ ਇੱਕ ਸੀਜੀ ਨੂੰ ਨਸ਼ੇ ਦੀ ਪੂਰੀ ਪਕੜ ਵਿੱਚ ਹੋਣ ਦੇ ਨਾਲ ਪੈਸਾ ਫੜਨਾ ਬੰਦ ਕਰਨਾ ਬਹੁਤ ਮੁਸ਼ਕਲ ਹੋ ਸਕਦਾ ਹੈ ਜਿਵੇਂ ਕਿ ਤੁਹਾਡਾ ਪਤੀ ਜਾਪਦਾ ਹੈ.
ਸਿਰਫ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਹੀ ਜਾਣ ਸਕਦੇ ਹੋ ਕਿ ਜਦੋਂ ਦੂਰ ਜਾਣ ਦਾ ਸਮਾਂ ਆ ਗਿਆ ਹੈ, ਇਹ ਉਹ ਚੀਜ਼ ਹੈ ਜੋ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਆਪਣੇ ਅੰਦਰ ਮਹਿਸੂਸ ਕਰੋਗੇ. ਸੀਜੀ ਦੇ ਨਾਲ ਬਹੁਤ ਸਾਰਾ ਸਮਾਂ ਬਿਤਾਉਣਾ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਸੱਚਮੁੱਚ ਕਮਜ਼ੋਰ ਅਤੇ ਨਿਰਾਸ਼ ਮਹਿਸੂਸ ਕਰਦਾ ਹੈ ਤਾਂ ਜੋ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਸੋਚਣ ਨਾਲੋਂ ਵਧੇਰੇ ਤਾਕਤਵਰ ਹੋਵੋਗੇ. ਜੇ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਅਜੇ ਵੀ ਉਸ ਬ੍ਰੇਕ ਨੂੰ ਤਿਆਰ ਕਰਨ ਲਈ ਤਿਆਰ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੋ ਜੋ ਉਸਨੂੰ ਮਦਦ ਮੰਗਣ ਲਈ ਕਹਿੰਦਾ ਹੈ, ਤਾਂ ਉਸਨੂੰ ਸਮਝਾਓ ਕਿ ਇਹ ਉਸਦੀ ਜ਼ਿੰਦਗੀ ਦੇ ਬਿਹਤਰ ਹੋਣ ਅਤੇ ਤੁਹਾਡੇ ਰਿਸ਼ਤੇ ਨੂੰ ਕਾਇਮ ਰੱਖਣ ਦੀ ਇੱਕੋ -ਇੱਕ ਉਮੀਦ ਹੈ. ਤੁਸੀਂ ਜੋ ਵੀ ਕਰਦੇ ਹੋ ਇਹ ਨਿਸ਼ਚਤ ਕਰੋ ਕਿ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਬਹੁਤ ਸਪੱਸ਼ਟ ਹੋ ਅਤੇ ਜੋ ਤੁਸੀਂ ਕਹਿੰਦੇ ਹੋ ਉਸ ਲਈ 100% ਪ੍ਰਤੀਬੱਧ ਹੋ, ਕਿਸੇ ਵੀ ਪਿਛੋਕੜ ਨੂੰ ਨਸ਼ਾ ਦੁਆਰਾ ਕਮਜ਼ੋਰੀ ਵਜੋਂ ਵੇਖਿਆ ਜਾਵੇਗਾ ਅਤੇ ਵਧੇਰੇ ਹੇਰਾਫੇਰੀ ਵੱਲ ਲੈ ਜਾਵੇਗਾ. ਆਖਰਕਾਰ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਉਹੀ ਕਰਨਾ ਚਾਹੀਦਾ ਹੈ ਜੋ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਅਤੇ ਤੁਹਾਡੇ ਪਰਿਵਾਰ ਲਈ ਸਹੀ ਲੱਗਦਾ ਹੈ, ਤੁਸੀਂ ਜੋ ਵੀ ਰਸਤਾ ਅਪਣਾਉਂਦੇ ਹੋ ਤੁਹਾਨੂੰ ਹਮੇਸ਼ਾਂ ਇੱਥੇ ਸਹਾਇਤਾ ਮਿਲੇਗੀ. ਲਿਲ ਐਕਸ
"ਕੋਈ ਵੀ ਵਾਪਸ ਜਾ ਕੇ ਨਵੀਂ ਸ਼ੁਰੂਆਤ ਨਹੀਂ ਕਰ ਸਕਦਾ, ਪਰ ਕੋਈ ਵੀ ਅੱਜ ਸ਼ੁਰੂ ਕਰ ਸਕਦਾ ਹੈ ਅਤੇ ਇੱਕ ਨਵਾਂ ਅੰਤ ਕਰ ਸਕਦਾ ਹੈ." (ਮਾਰੀਆ ਰੌਬਿਨਸਨ)Olá, Wheretonow, a situação em que você está é familiar para mim, assim como para muitos leitores. Fico feliz em ver que você já recebeu excelentes respostas do Velvet e que visitou o grupo. Por favor, não seja duro consigo mesmo por se casar com o homem que você ama ou por ter filhos com ele, nunca podemos saber como as coisas vão acabar. O jogo compulsivo é uma doença horrível que obscurece todos os julgamentos e torna o sofredor manipulador e reservado. Quando um jogador compulsivo pega dinheiro, o vício o convence de que ele vai pagar porque é claro que vai ganhar. Infelizmente não existe vitória para um Cg, pois eles não podem ir embora mesmo quando estão de pé, passam a vida perseguindo perdas e é um círculo vicioso.
O jogo compulsivo é tratável e, embora nunca possa ser curado, muitos CGs continuam a ter vidas felizes e realizadas sem apostas. Eles têm que querer ter esse tratamento e esse é o problema. Como Velvet já disse que o subsídio para jogos de azar não ajuda, o jogo tende a piorar quando não é tratado e o jogo de qualquer forma é um completo não, mesmo que seja por muito pouco ou nenhum dinheiro, ele mantém o vício vivo dentro da pessoa. Seu marido já procurou ajuda? Ele estaria disposto a tentar? Quando você falar com ele, você pode tentar separar a pessoa do jogo, então quando ele diz coisas como 'se você me ama …' você pode dizer eu te amo, mas eu não posso viver com o jogo. Descobri que isso me colocou em uma posição psicologicamente mais forte.
O vício prospera em segredo e você precisa de apoio, não é nada para se envergonhar, você não fez nada de errado, então se houver pessoas em quem possa confiar, aproveite para fazê-lo. Cuide sempre de você e de seus filhos primeiro. Você está fazendo a coisa certa ao assumir o controle das finanças, mesmo que isso não esteja funcionando 100%. Pode ser tão difícil impedir um CG de conseguir dinheiro quando está totalmente dominado pelo vício, como seu marido parece estar.
Só você pode saber quando chegar a hora de ir embora, é algo que você sentirá dentro de si mesmo. Gastar muito tempo com um CG deixa você se sentindo muito fraco e abatido, então você ficará mais forte do que pensa. Se você ainda não está pronto para fazer essa pausa, incentive-o a procurar ajuda, faça-o compreender que esta é a única esperança de que a vida dele melhore e que seu relacionamento sobreviva. O que quer que você decida, esteja certo de que está muito claro e 100% comprometido com o que diz que vai fazer; qualquer retrocesso será visto como fraqueza pelo vício e levará a mais manipulação. Em última análise, você deve fazer o que achar que é certo para você e sua família, seja qual for o caminho que você tomar, sempre encontrará apoio aqui. Lil x
“Ninguém pode voltar e começar um novo começo, mas qualquer um pode começar hoje e fazer um novo final.” (Maria Robinson)Здравейте Wheretonow, ситуацията, в която се намирате, ми е позната, както и на много четящи. Радвам се да видя, че вече сте получили отлични отговори от Velvet и че сте посетили групата. Моля, не бъдете сурови към себе си, ако се омъжите за мъжа, когото обичате, или че имате деца с него, ние никога не можем да знаем как ще се развият нещата. Натрапчивият хазарт е ужасно заболяване, което замъглява всяка преценка и прави страданието манипулативно и потайно. Когато компулсивен комарджия взема пари, зависимостта го убеждава, че ще го изплати, защото, разбира се, ще спечели. За съжаление няма такова нещо като спечелване на Cg, тъй като те не могат да си тръгнат, дори когато са нагоре, те прекарват живота си в преследване на загуби и това е порочен кръг.
Натрапчивият хазарт е лечим и въпреки че никога не може да бъде излекуван, много CG продължават да имат щастлив пълноценен живот без хазарт. Те обаче трябва да искат такова лечение и това е въпросът. Както Velvet вече каза, че надбавката за хазарт няма да помогне, хазартът има тенденция да се влошава, когато не се лекува и хазартът под каквато и да е форма е пълно не, дори ако е за много малко или без пари, той поддържа зависимостта жива в човека. Съпругът ви някога ли е търсил помощ? Би ли бил готов да опита? Когато говорите с него, можете да опитате да отделите човека за хазарта, а след това той да каже неща като „ако ме обичаше …“ можете да кажете, че ви обичам, но не мога да живея с хазарта. Открих, че това ме постави в психологически по -силна позиция.
Пристрастяването процъфтява в тайна и имате нужда от подкрепа, няма от какво да се срамувате, не сте направили нищо лошо, така че ако има хора, на които можете да се доверите, тогава се възползвайте от възможността да го направите. Винаги се грижете първо за себе си и децата си. Постъпвате правилно, като поемате финансите, дори ако това не работи на 100%, може да бъде толкова трудно да спрете CG да се сдобие с пари, когато е в пълна хватка на зависимостта, както изглежда съпругът ви.
Само вие можете да знаете, когато дойде времето да си тръгнете, това е нещо, което ще почувствате в себе си. Прекарването на много време с CG ви оставя да се чувствате наистина слаби и победени, така че ще бъдете по -силни, отколкото си мислите. Ако все още не сте готови да направите тази почивка, подканете го да потърси помощ, накарайте го да разбере, че това е единствената надежда животът му да се подобри и връзката ви да оцелее. Каквото и да решите, уверете се, че сте много ясни и 100% отдадени на това, което казвате, че ще правите, всяко отстъпване ще се разглежда като слабост от пристрастяването и ще доведе до повече манипулации. В крайна сметка трябва да направите това, което смятате, че е подходящо за вас и вашето семейство. Какъвто и път да извървите, винаги ще намерите подкрепа тук. Лил х
"Никой не може да се върне и да започне ново начало, но всеки може да започне днес и да направи нов край." (Мария Робинсън)Hallo Wheretonow, die Situation, in der Sie sich befinden, ist mir bekannt, wie sie vielen Lesern bekannt sein wird. Ich freue mich zu sehen, dass Sie bereits ausgezeichnete Antworten von Velvet erhalten haben und die Gruppe besucht haben. Seien Sie bitte nicht hart zu sich selbst, wenn Sie den Mann, den Sie lieben, heiraten oder Kinder mit ihm haben, wir können nie wissen, wie sich die Dinge entwickeln werden. Spielsucht ist eine schreckliche Krankheit, die jedes Urteil trübt und das Leiden manipulativ und geheimnisvoll macht. Wenn ein zwanghafter Spieler Geld nimmt, überzeugt ihn die Sucht, dass er es zurückzahlen wird, weil er natürlich gewinnen wird. Leider gibt es keinen Gewinn für einen Cg, da sie nicht weggehen können, selbst wenn sie oben sind, sie verbringen ihr Leben damit, Verluste zu jagen und es ist ein Teufelskreis.
Zwanghaftes Glücksspiel ist behandelbar und obwohl es nie geheilt werden kann, führen viele CGs ein glückliches, erfülltes, glücksspielfreies Leben. Sie müssen diese Behandlung haben wollen, und das ist das Problem. Wie Velvet bereits gesagt hat, dass eine Glücksspielzulage nicht hilft, neigt Glücksspiel dazu, sich zu verschlimmern, wenn es nicht behandelt wird, und Glücksspiel in jeder Form ist ein absolutes Nein, auch wenn es für sehr wenig oder kein Geld ist, es hält die Sucht in der Person am Leben. Hat Ihr Mann schon einmal Hilfe gesucht? Wäre er bereit, es zu versuchen? Wenn du mit ihm sprichst, könntest du versuchen, die Person für das Glücksspiel auszusondern. Wenn er dann Dinge sagt wie "Wenn du mich liebst…" kannst du sagen, ich liebe dich, aber ich kann nicht mit dem Glücksspiel leben. Ich fand, das hat mich in eine psychologisch stärkere Position gebracht.
Die Sucht gedeiht im Verborgenen und Sie brauchen Unterstützung, es ist nichts, wofür Sie sich schämen müssen, Sie haben nichts falsch gemacht, also wenn es Menschen gibt, denen Sie sich anvertrauen können, dann nutzen Sie die Gelegenheit dazu. Passen Sie immer zuerst auf sich und Ihre Kinder auf. Sie tun das Richtige, wenn Sie die Finanzen in die Hand nehmen, auch wenn das nicht zu 100% funktioniert.
Nur Sie können wissen, wann die Zeit gekommen ist, wegzugehen, es ist etwas, das Sie in sich selbst spüren werden. Wenn Sie viel Zeit mit einem CG verbringen, fühlen Sie sich wirklich schwach und niedergeschlagen, sodass Sie stärker sein werden, als Sie denken. Wenn Sie noch nicht bereit sind, diese Pause zu machen, fordern Sie ihn auf, Hilfe zu suchen, lassen Sie ihn verstehen, dass dies die einzige Hoffnung ist, dass sein Leben besser wird und Ihre Beziehung überlebt. Was auch immer Sie sich entscheiden, stellen Sie sicher, dass Sie sich sehr klar und 100%ig dafür einsetzen, was Sie sagen, was Sie tun werden. Letztendlich musst du das tun, was du für dich und deine Familie für richtig hältst, egal welchen Weg du einschlägst, du wirst hier immer Unterstützung finden. Kleine x
„Niemand kann zurückgehen und einen Neuanfang beginnen, aber jeder kann heute beginnen und ein neues Ende machen.“ (Maria Robinson)