[Johnny B]

The year has started out well. I have a lot of hope for having the best year of my life. Ironically, it is the first New Year I have started out not gambling, and having no plans to. I hope to keep the eye on the prize, today is a good day!

[Johnny B]

Nice post Charles,
This was the best Christmas for me personally, because I could tell my wife trusts me again. Even though the gifts were not expensive, they were meaningful. No argument about expenses, because all the money is accounted for. No hiding, no guilt…no stress.
This is a very good way to start 2018!!!
Happy New Year

[Johnny B]

I personally cannot look at not gambling forever….however, as Kin mentioned, I will not gamble today. I had the same thought yesterday, and the day before that. Are the urges there, of course they are….But guess what, when I resist them, I feel like I have won. I often think, even if I gambled and “won”, I might still be sad because I had let myself down. And I also know, an win will lead the the next time I gamble, which will lead to the next blow up…and ruin everything I have worked so hard to do, and all of the promises I have made.
Good luck on making the right choices for you and your family. Keep in mind, that you would not have all of these comments to your forum if we haven’t all been where you are at!
Take the advice for what it is worth, but you are the only one who can make a decision on what to do next.

[Johnny B]

Hi Vera,
Thanks for the reply. I always gambled with the intent to “win” money, I never believed it was for the thrill…..But there were too many times where on the drive home, after I had been up $1000 …and then lost it all back, where my inner dialogue would be “how much was enough” what was I trying to do? If you make a good investment and make 10% in a year, a financial adviser would say you did great…. If you go to a casino with $200 and turn it into $1000, it is a phenomenal return…..A “good gambler” or should I say “not a CG” would say…Hey alright $1000 . I will go home, and come back another day to play again…. I always said “hey, I am here, why not keep going”.
Obviously that thought process is a big part of my reason I spend hours a day on GT.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts… we are all in this together!

[Johnny B]

Good luck controlling the cravings. I can say, at least for myself, that when I hit the two week gamble free mark, my cravings were minimized. And even though I have the same route to work where I pass my old haunts, I look at them with disdain….almost a feeling like a lover that has done you wrong, where you know you could go back, but it is definitely the right thing to stay away!
One day at a time… see you in chat!

[Johnny B]

Thanks Laura,
You are right. The gambling machines have been in our bars and restaurants about 3 years. I never played them for the first two because, exactly what you said, they are smoke and mirrors…. They are “penny” machines that allow you to wager $2.00…. When you “win” on a spin, you can win as little as ten cents. But guess what, the bells and whistles go off like you hit a jackpot. On many occasions I would sit there and the person sitting next to me is like “man, you are doing great”….and I am down $hundreds$.
Rigged to take advantage. But it is up to realize that.
Happy holidays

[Johnny B]

The nickels and dimes add up huge. I wonder if we all quite while whenever we were head small amounts, it would be the casinos, and bookmakers writing to each other on the forums. I always had a twisted dream when I gambled feverishly. (Blackjack was my game, and I lost thousands, upon thousands on the Riverboats in Illinois)….I had wished I would hit it huge (enough where I couldn’t possibly lose it all back) and as they were kissing my ass like the phony bullshit Casino’s do, I would self exclude and leave on top. Too bad that the only true part of that story is that I self excluded….which in turn may have been the very best first step towards taking control of my life back. Funny I though that the self exclusion from the boats would curb my playing…that is when the dogs, and the machines started. Bastards. They take advantage, and for years I let them. My turn to be in control. (I hope)

[Johnny B]

IDI
I agree with you that none of us want to stop….we to HAVE stop. Even with the occasional, or even prolonged responsible gambling, there will be the inevitable blow up which will bring us back to the pain we hope to stop. Even simple minimal losses add up to be huge amounts of money. Casinos have made billions on little losses. Look at penny slots, seem harmless enough, but “affordable losses” become huge gains for the bookmakers. The big winners (betting big because of our issues) always lose even bigger.
The only true winner is someone who doesn’t play. I want to be a winner, but I sure miss playing.

[Johnny B]

Hi Kathryn
I agree with you about the self worth. Outside of the financial burden caused, the shame and self pity was the worst for me. I have struggled with self esteem most of my life, and never felt more pathetic than asking for financial help, and hiding my habit. Stepping back and taking it all in. Going through the stages of addiction/grief
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
–sadness in a sick way because I was convinced that I enjoyed playing…..which I am sure I did….however, winning was just a delay in the inevitable losing that was to follow!
Still on the right path. Actually lost track of the exact number, but I know the effort is the best I have ever put forth!!!

[Johnny B]

Hi Laura
Thank you for the kind words. One thing I am slowly realizing is even when I have gambled under control, I still lost massive amounts of money. $50 here $100 there, multiple times a week really ads up. In the forums, the devastating losses always seem to be the ones that push us to look in the mirror, but I hate to even thing of the thou$ands of $$$ that has gone out the door “responsibly” gambling. I just came out of Christmas with a significant amount of spending, and I am not broke….I am not broke, because I haven’t pissed anything away. Going into the new year, this is the first New Year that I can expect to save money because I do not plan on losing any!
Happy New year
John

[Johnny B]

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
This is the first year in my adult life that I am clear headed in regards to gambling rolling into the symbolic new year.
My resolutions:
Focus on staying gamble free – Total transparency with my wife – accountability for my money – learning from and offering advice/encouragement on GT.
This site has been a great help to me. Because of work schedules and lack of options there are very few GA meeting near me, so this is a great constant reminder to remain true to myself.
I wish all of you a great, guilt free, new year….
Johnny B

[Johnny B]

Congrats Jonny
I hope your holidays are fruitful. I like your post and can also relate. I went an entire american football season without watching one game in its entirety….because I have no action on it, I have no interest in it. I am very proud of your story, and the down times where you did not give in to the gambling. I am currently a month or two away from being debt free. I will have very little in the way of assets, however, I will not owe anything other than my car note (which is a very modest monthly payment). I have never been this close before, because there was always a $2000-$5000 blow up right around the corner, and three different times in a row I got close, then far, away again.
Not this time…. I got this. Your words are very encouraging!

Johnny B

[Johnny B]

Hi Chris
If you haven’t done so, I would recommend a you tube video. The search is under gambling addiction. It is a video of a man in an MRI machine, He is using a device replicating video roulette. Long and short of the video is it shows how the “pleasure” centers of the brain are continuously stimulated during machine play (win or lose) which is why many of us get hooked. I personally never felt an itch to play a machine, but one day out of boredom I figured “why not”, and gave it a go. Six months later, many thousands of dollars, and major damage to my marriage… I recognize more than ever “why not”.
Best of luck stay strong
Johnny B

[Johnny B]

DCH,
Well done on putting the blockers in place with the credit before too much damage was done. I think it takes a lot of moxy to recognize what can potentially be a problem. I have been about 2 months gamble free… I stopped counting the days, because if I do go off the rails, I find one of my triggers is the shame I cause myself. So for me it is one day at a time. I met with my counselor today and had the discussion that I cannot say for sure that I will never gamble again, but I know I will not gamble for today. (He said I made him nervous to say such things)…however it is only up to me to make sure I choose the right path. As it is for you.
Good Luck
Johnny B

[Johnny B]

This is not a traditional poem, per se, but it is a story leading toward a happy ending!!

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