[jenny46]

Hello

I haven’t had a great few days, texts started to arrive on friday and have been frequent both day and night ever since, i had hoped i had seen the last of all of this. He had a new number so caught a little off guard the first time.

The usual stuff, i love you i hate you, accusations manipulation etc. I ignored it all until late last night when he ‘had something he had to tell me which went to might tell me etc etc,

My mind did the rest, I jumped out of bed, checked all my finances on line and in my file, all sorts of thoughts went through my head, all the old responses even though nothing was actually said.

I didn’t sleep well and today I feel drained – for that hour I was back there. I have managed to block the texts so have had nothing today thankfully.

I did reply just before I blocked him telling him not to contact me again and that he has done enough damage and basically to get lost. It gave me no pleasure and now I feel a tad sad.

I was in the vets on saturday afternoon nearly losing one of my dogs despite the fact that I had planned a good day and all I could here was my phone beeping as the screeching reached a ridiculous pitch, I just felt so under pressure.

Today has been a crap day, a draining day but I will not let this blip get to me for much longer. Everything will look better tommorow and i won’t go backwards.

Ultimately He set the scene I did the hard work and although it didn’t last long it was a harsh reminder of what could be again if I chose to go back and I won’t do it.

Now I am forcing myself to take my own medicine and plan some nice stuff for the next few weeks and I will be careful with myself along the way.

I don’t doubt I can do this but for me the only way forward will be a continued total estrangement, I can’t afford to go backwards and I refuse to.

I will never doubt what we had and what I know to be real. This addiction just sucks so badly.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Hi Madge

Just because you have made some small changes in how you are looking after you doesn’t automatically follow that you will gain positive responses from him in between. In fact as his addiction sees you change and you are not so familiar and predictable then it may well ‘up’ its nasty behaviour in an attempt to bring you back under control where you will be the more pliable person that you once were (once were !!)

Madge I also thinks that although someone may not be gambling the behaviour that grows up around the addiction does not diminish over night, deep seated things can be very difficult to shift.

Lets face it – causing rows appears to be a very common theme on this forum

He can only take you back if you allow him to, he can hurl you back no further than you are prepared to go. The important thing is Madge that you retain your focus on you and what you have decided is important and from where I’m sitting that is not him and his hurtful remarks.

I am not praying for you Madge, I am sitting here knowing that you can rise above the screeching, chicken like noises of the addiction and I am quietly urging you on.

Thank you for your lovely reply on my thread as well

No tears today, just careful thought !

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I have no problem with any of your words, I am more put off by the thought of you jumping on me !

When I first read your reply I was tempted to have a look at that post but have decided not to, neither will I read again anything else I have written at least not soon.

I do not see myself as being out of the woods and for me to look back to far I believe at the moment would be to my own detriment. I do not want to find myself in a situation where I begin to look at what could have happened differently, what I could have done differently, what I would do differently, if I gave it just another go – are you with me.

For me to do that would be the start of bad news to come. I cannot allow myself entry to the ‘what could have been route’. I think what I need to do is carry on going. I made a promise to myself and his lordship that I will not look back on this relaitionship and I will stick to it unless I choose to draw on my experience for other reasons.

I am stuck with a large puddle of residue from seeping wounds, namely a big dollop of distrust of others, but if i don’t get out there and make the best of today how is that ever going to change ? If it doesn’t change it can be made more bearable.

The alternatives are worse, dwelling on it all, moping around (not that I have time any more) is bad for me, filling my head with maybes and questions that can’t be answered is just no good for me.

Yes you are right – a lot of my replies allow me to work out my own stuff and that works for me, it particularly reminds me not to do any of the above !! and to make sure i really do look after me – hindsight becomes foresight for me – strangely, but just as long as i am careful.

Often I force myself to do things in the looking after me department not only because of what has happened but because of the daily hassles of work, family and just life taking over.

Like last night, my brother and his mates are all up from London so I was roped in to going out with them, didn’t want to but ended up having a great night. Today they are dragging me around the pubs before forcing me to go to a football match ( can’t stand football ) but I know I will do a lot more laughing than sulking so i’m going !!

I have had a really good Christmas and so have the boys, i’ve been out a lot with friends and enjoyed it, vegged out without dwelling and really just got on with it.

I thought i might have had an ‘there’s an empty place at the table’ feeling but it was just a thought more so than a feeling, followed by a thought of ‘that being through his choice for the addiction’ enough said.

So yes on the whole things are settled and good and if I keep doing what i’m doing they can only get better. I am far from being on the floor because i know my limits (finally). I no longer give what I haven’t got.

So back to work tomorrow. I have been off for two weeks which is why you will have seen a lot of me.

Do not worry, I know where you and everyone else are and have a great support network. 2014 for me will be about carrying on going forward and not looking back on the ‘could have beens’ they weren’t and that’s it.

Jenny xxx

[jenny46]

To answer your question, yes, i’ve wondered about it in the past and if I thought about it for too long now I would be unlikely to speak to anyone again !!

That was the crux of the matter for me not so much why did they do it but why did I tolerate it in what was once quite a self sacrificing way. They did it because I let them, is the short answer but the reasons behind all of that were deep within me and nothing to do with them.

If and when you are able to let it all go is more likely to be when you do not have active addictions in your life whose behavior serves on a daily basis to remind you of why should protect yourself from it all. You will let go when it is right for you. No guilt is required !

Trying to be mindful of your own needs is great as is trying not to rescue him from all the situations he creates for himself and far more beneficial for both of you, he can learn from his own mistakes and you will have a lot more space in your weary mind to start putting in there some of the nicer things in life.

Good one Madge keep it up

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I don’t know whether i’m sorry that you are seeing this side of his personality or not. I am however sorry that you’ve been hurt again by his words that may be very genuine or may have been placed knowing that you would find them. Do not ever forget that this addiction is the master of manipulation.

I don’t really know if i’m surprised or not that he has ignored the advice he was given regarding contact with the outside world either, if not a little astounded at the internet access. I think as Monique says – it is about him and says quite a lot about him.

Is this the first time you have witnessed him behaving in this way or is it just that you are beginning to see the situation with a sharper, less tainted pair of eyes ?

I don’t like the phrase baggage but seeing as it has been used I would urge you to consider just how much ‘baggage you have been carrying around’ that didn’t belong to you in the first place ? The worry, the stress, the things you have done for him and the lengths you have gone to to make it right. It seems like a very big bag too me and if you value yourself in the way that you say you do then perhaps its time for you to empty some of the crap out of it, and that is all I have to say about bags.

I wouldn’t waste my time with the daily lies Neecy, i’m not sure whether you mean past or present ones? they are the tools to protect the addiction and gain enablement the individuality of each lie is almost irrelevant.

Now is the time for you to concentrate on the latter half of your post and the things you still have that are good in your life and there are the beginnings of some boundaries appearing in your posts that as they become a little firmer will help you in your recovery.

I suggest you steer clear of his recovery and concentrate on yours as that is the only one you have within you to make happen.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Just wanted to say hello and welcome, I’m sure you will soon get much support from here and I hope you stick with it. In the mean time do your best to look after yourself and if you feel up to reading, have a look at Twilights posts she really is a good read (Twilight that was a compliment !!!) as the child of a CG

Speak soon

Jenny

[jenny46]

Neecy

Thank you for your comment on my thread. We are all at different stages in our recovery and everyone here has picked me off the ground more than once when it seemed like an impossibility at times. I do not see myself as being out of the woods, rather more like at a different stage.

The bar at Christmas is set so high that if we buy into all of the hype around it then disappointment is bound to set in, if we put all that into a melting pot with the impact of the addiction to gamble on our lives along with a relaitionship break up then it is little wonder that we can come down so low and perfectly understandable.

I see you have taken some steps to do some nice things for you with I hasten to add, people that will not abuse you and will treat you as you should be treated.

Distance from this addiction will allow you to see what the impact has really been. Possibly like me you too became so focused on the happiness of another and the recovery of another that your eye has been ‘off the ball’ in other departments, one of mine was my children, another was my job, another was myself. These were the things that were within me to do something about. When I eventually mustered up the strength.

I started just as you are, one foot in front of the other and day by day. One little piece at a time. It does get easier, when it gets better is difficult to know until that time comes – and it will Neecy.

I decided that the addiction to gamble has no part in my life any more but faced with numerous fibs regarding recovery I found it difficult to know when to slam the door in its face or if I would be slamming it in the face of a new recovery. Now I think its just best for me to keep it shut because I accept that I can never really know the answer any more.

So today is my Dads birthday so we are all going there later on and the dreaded G word will not be mentioned there or thought about. Before that I will walk my lazy dogs and my lazy self and I might even take my curlers out before I do to prevent anyone reporting me from having escaped from somewhere.

I suggest you do something today which makes you feel better even if it is a strain, doing ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ turns out to be is like having two fingers up to this addiction Neecy. You have the capacity to recover within you, its all there.

Alternatively I could sit here thinking about what could have been, what might have been, if this, if that, what’s he doing now, is he seeking recovery, will I have missed out, for me doing all of that will achieve nothing except to make me miserable and completely spoil my day, as it will yours.

Today you can choose Neecy, no one is saying you have to be running around dressed in tinsle and wearing bells and whistles and not shed a tear, but you can make it a better day than it has been so far by taking control of what you do next.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Monique, Ell, Twilight

Thank you for your replies. Twilight I love to see you pop up now and again, you have played a big part in my journey and always seem to know when to appear. Your ability to cut through the smokescreens is quite amazing.

Today I am veging around trying to hear what is going on up stairs. My old detective skills are about to be re born for a different purpose. What are they doing up there !!!!

Love to all of you

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Thank you for your reply it is good to hear from you. Yes all hormones on the rampage in my house !! except mine of course.

I think about you often and will always wish you the very best. I am particularly interested in how the speed walking progressed, did it ever break into a run ?

I would love to hear all about how life is treating you these days.

All the very best to you and your family

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I think the whole concept of enablement is huge, where does it start where does it end. It is interesting that many of us have had the same stunts thrown in our direction and fell for them time and time again, we worried for what turns out to be false reasons, I know I have had the police out twice when I worried that my partner was suicidal even though I knew it was a ploy deep down.

I remember San being estranged from my partner for a few months and worrying about starvation etc only to find that when I actually saw him he was actually quite fat. Unsurprisingly he had been living with another woman/enabler again, my worries were unfounded. My worries were generated by him San and my insight into the life that I though he was living they were not actually reality.

I have to say though, as sad as it may have made you feel the toilet paper incident gave me a giggle. ‘Let he with smarting arse consider the benefits of his gambling !’ Don’t believe a word of it. The more discomfort he creates for himself, the nearer the time comes when he may just want to choose a better way of living.

Unfortunately I believe that in all the elaborate lies the focus is only one thing. The next gamble is the only thought. The money is the tool and how it is gained is pretty much irrelevant. You and the pain you feel, the dilemmas you face, the trouble that’s caused does not figure in the equation. At that moment in time nothing else matters (or so i’ve been told)

Who knows why a CG gambles, the concept of escapism springs to mind and by the sheer nature of the word used in the wrong place or the right place along with many other words can have a habit of dumping responsibilty. It may be a coping mechanism that he has learnt along the way, it may be all sorts of things but it does not take away the choice that he has to gamble or not. It does not take away his choice to get help or not …………

It is good that you have thought about you in response to his visit if it does take place. I think the quietness with how you intend it to be will speak volumes to your son, you will be sending out a message that you are in control of you – tough for a hungry addiction to take. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

I hope your health is stable and your time with your son is peaceful. Keep your eye on those toilet rolls and find the time to enjoy yourself.

Jenny

[jenny46]

I really hope that this time I will succeed in getting me out there, having only just realised how to do a reply I am now struggling with how to start a new thread.

Since the last time I posted, the one when I was never going back !! I did go back and back again and each time it was a little worse than the time before. Each time there was a little bit less there than the time before. Each time I questioned myself again and again.

I love him, I kidded myself, I fooled myself, into thinking that I was just numb with the pain of all the things that happened which were related to the addiction but yes I still loved him.

I was determined to cross the void that grew ever wider between us. I believed that it would be possible and that when that numbness went away then that would be the day that the void would be crossed.

I really couldn’t stand him to be with me physically in any way shape or form the whole idea just repulsed me. Harsh, but that is the only way I can describe how it was.

I can’t say I blamed myself but I had the beginning of a need to try and understand that why when he was recovering could I not begin to trust and meet him across that void at least part way to the middle.

Small niggley things were in my mind, small things but increasingly more small things were beginning to add up to bigger things and deep down I knew there was no recovery just better lies and better cover ups. The addiction was back just wearing different clothes – it was wearing the cloak of recovery.

There were so many things that were going on at the same time in my life and I bumbled around being everything to everyone until I was just so worn out, something had to go. Flitting in between limbo land and having a strong sense that things were not good for me within our relaitionship gave me a feeling of total confusion. Things were not actually good except for short moments very much of the time. I struggled to accept that I could not have what I wanted within that relaitionship.

Slowly I started to do things which I had to force myself to do and often still do ( I am talking over years now not weeks) through boredom, through bloody mindedness and through the need to recognise some sort of order and normality in what felt like a mush of the strangest circumstances ever.

Time goes on, more mayhem came with it, everything seemed like lunacy and all the time something deep within in me was screaming – you can stop all of this today if you like.

I didn’t listen but I heard that voice getting louder and louder and still I didn’t act, but by that time my foot was in the water and the water felt good. My head was still in a bucket of something more smelly.

I had turmoils with my boys and went through a particularly bad stage of failing or feeling like I had failed them, That hurt. On that realisation and not really knowing what to do with all the stuff in my head. I stood still, I sat still and couldn’t for a while physically cope although my mind was working over time.

Day by day and month to month I just stopped, taking the bait, answering the needy phone calls and irritating texts, jumping on the majority of hooks. I stopped coming here, I stopped doing everything I really didn’t have to do. I didn’t drink or smoke, I didn’t go out – I did nothing except think.

Somewhere in all of that ‘ brakes on I can no longer do this anymore thought process’ came a calmness and a realisation that I didn’t want to do the ‘this ‘ any more which was why I was no longer doing it.

I have fought a few battles in my time and have been ‘battle weary’ The biggest battle I have ever fought is the one I fought with myself. The one I let happen between my head and my gut was the biggest, my heart was stuck in the middle and I pulled it around all over the place.

Somewhere in all of that a change took place and I realised a few things. I was not a numb person devoid of feelings I just no longer loved my partner, complicated but sounds simple. Or is that the other way around.

In the middle of all of this I worked on a few goals, small things that have made massive differences. I rehashed my finances, I finished my degree, I trained in end of life care and completed my registered care managers award in the space of about 2 years. I went flat out at work purely as a distraction but I was able to retain the enjoyment of my achievements although I resented doing the work and it was a major effort.

At the same time I more or less finished my house and finally felt within me a sturdy foundation which couldn’t be shaken by the influence of addiction or at least not much.

My focus was then able to shift properly on to the needs of my children so I concentrated on that. It is not meant to sound like they came second or third but to put them first and do them justice my own platform needed to be sturdy. I gave that miserable head master the evil eye and gave him the roughest ride I could think of and then I opened my eyes and my ears and sat and listened and then I acted – quietly and with the sense of that realisation and calmness that I feel blessed to have in my life.

I no longer have to force myself to go out since I have sat in the company of good friends and realised that not everybody wants something from me that I don’t want to give. I realised again that I wasn’t numb I was just normal.

The draining I felt from my partner was still unbelievable, it started when his name flashed up on my phone or I read an adolescent text or when I thought about a visit to say nothing of the time we spent together. Part of me was pleased to see him the other 7 8ths was relieved when he went. It was a case of ‘what now’ what new drama are you going to expect me to have in my life this time, can you really think of another new lie or false promise. Enough, we rowed we argued etc etc

No One will ever speak to me like that again and I lowered myself to the same level. I have walked away for my own sanity and the strongest commitment that I have made to him and myself is that I will never look back on this relationship. Every conversation I had with him only served me to question myself and what life I have built for myself. I have made a ‘ too difficult box and placed him in it ‘ he is now amongst the ironing and the decisions that are just too difficult to think about today. There are stacks of things in my too difficult box but interestingly the ironing is the only thing that has ever come out.

So as for me now. I go to work, I look after the boys ( and the three girls they have with them arrghh !! ) I potter around the house straining to do what I have to do to keep it right. I pay my bills, speak to friends and go out when I want to, stay in and wallow when I want to and that will do for me !! at least for now.

i remember saying to my partner that I believed that his addiction had done a lot for me in making me a stronger person in a warped way too which he replied. I’m glad its done something for you as it hasn’t done much for me !! I guess we all will learn our own lessons in life.

I am looking ahead considering a career change now my boys are older but that is three years away so for now I am just happy to sit, to stay as I am. Must be the longest post I have ever written and will stay true to myself and I will not look back again, not for me.

I am just happy to let it be

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Hi Madge
Yes it all makes perfect sense to me , I have not updated my own thread for months but briefly I have singley raised three boys on my own now aged 21, 16 and 15. I work full time and always have and have coped with an ex husband who is an alcoholic and my ex partner for 7 years who is a CG so I guess I have a sense of just how overwhelming life can be at times !!

What I pick up in your posts is the sheer stress of it all, I am not totally out of the woods yet, but I am getting there bit by bit. The support I have had from here over the last 6 years I think it is now, has been amazing (6 years I am a slow learner!!)

Looking after you I think Is a bit of an alien concept and at first it feels wrong, selfish even but it isn’t it is one of the only defences possible when faced with the addiction to gamble or any other addiction in my oppinion.

I used to think what are they all on about – go and have a bath, do something nice – how is that helpful how does that solve my problems. But now I see that it does, and you are seeing it to.

Boundaries of what is acceptable to you are beginning to appear in your posts and little by little I see you beginning to think – hang on a minute I have needs to!!. More importantly I see your focus beginning to turn away a little from the addiction and you considering what is best for you and your child.

The addiction seems to have a knack of throwing a smokescreen across what is really going on and the distance that you allow yourself will help to let the fog in your mind settle. You have made it clear that he needs to look at the type of relationship he wants with you and the rest of the family and I think that was quite a good way of putting it across to him without having a head on collusion with a squarking addiction.

Your daughter sounds like a bright intelligent girl and the comments you are recieving about her sound remarkably similar to ones that were made about my son. Negative energy in a social group sounds like someone who has been unable to mentally interest or challenge your daughter and has looked in the “Guiness Book Of Labels” for one that appears to fit.
You know what your daughter is and what’s really going on there and she will hang on to the fact that she has a mother that believes in her.

I get what you say about not liking change, I don’t like it either at times, I guess i’m getting old and stuck in my ways a little bit !! But now I look back on a lot of stuff and think, was that really me ? I dare say I will look back on a lot more and ask myself the same question in years to come as well.

Now I quite like being stuck in my own ways, it’s better than being stuck in someone else’s ways.

Keep sitting back, keep spotting those hooks and above all keep looking after you Madge, you may not feel it right now but at some point you will feel a difference.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

The thought of you waddling around like a turtle makes me smile.

Turtles on land walk with a calmness and with purpose, focused on where they are going and why, so you have given a good description of yourself in many ways through comparing yourself to a turtle.

You no longer hide in your shell and my wishes for you are to see you enter the water, no longer weighed down by the heaviness in that shell and take on the same grace as you swim.

There may be a void in your physical relaitionship but the point is that you want to cross it. But like the turtle again you cannot be hurried, it will be in your time.

I have to say though if I ever see you laying eggs in the sand I would be a little worried if not greatly amused !!

Best wishes to you and your family

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Its good that you decided to treat yourself to something and sometimes it is a case of forcing yourself to do all the things again like wear make up, small things that have slid since someone else bashed yourself esteem that at one time maybe you did without thinking.

Particularly well done for cancelling his phone, I was hoping you were going to say you had cancelled the whole lot for a minute for a number of reasons.

One is it is not your problem how he manages to make contact with his kids and although that sounds a little callous it is not meant to. It is still a form of enablement if you are taking that responsibility for him. Its down to him now to take some responsibility and if he wants to contact people then he will find a way.

I have to say the notion of people having internet access with all the online gambling stuff available whilst in a gambling rehab is in my oppinion, frankly ridiculous but as I say that is just my oppinion and others may not agree. It can also be used to read F&F as well Neecy if you know what i’m saying to you. You do not want to make yourself more vulnerable than you already are right now I don’t think.

However I sense a little bit of a spark in you now that so far was unseen in your previous posts. Exactly why should you pay for anything ? Why indeed should you tolerate the way he treated you ?

Although the addiction does not respect anything except itself and not even its owner then that is no excuse for basic common disrespect, sometimes I think we can put a lot down to the addiction when in actual fact it is basic down right rudeness and shoddy treatment of others. Its good to see that you are recognising that you are worth more than that.

I hope you keep it up Neecy, as you say you are taking back yourself respect and I for one hope that you do not give it away again to him or anybody else. It is yours to look after in the best way that you can.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

One meal at the table is a very good start, I always feel that making that one stand and sticking to it, although an effort is the start of replacing old habits with new ones and you show to yourself and others that you are important, life then, if you build more of these small changes in day by day suddenly becomes more ordered as you take back control of you.

Like you I struggled with whether it was a good idea to move my son and the outcome was unknown. But to me school is different from education in life. I thought one day, do I really want these idiots to teach my son ? apart from the fact that he wasn’t actually learning anything in his lessons, I felt he was being given a wrong lesson in the education of life. My conclusion was that they were not good enough to ‘teach’ my son anything that would benefit him in later life – although for some a bad experience can turn in to a positive one. Within a fortnight of him moving he was a changed person in many ways, new friends, no more outbursts, improving on his grades etc etc. He had nothing to lose and neither did I, the stress was awful and now as its falling away life is happier. I think the deciding factor was that he wanted to leave. How does your daughter feel about where she’s at?

You have not screwed up Madge from where i’m sitting – if anyone has the school has by employing incompetent staff who are not ‘fit for purpose’ if they think its ok to bully their pupils – don’t shoulder the blame for everyone else’s mistakes.

You are one woman!! with enough on your plate without carrying around the issues of others. What’s there stuff is their stuff, and theirs to carry around, some people will let you carry it around for them – certainly doesn’t mean you have to.

In my last lot of counselling I learned about the hooks, the way I got sucked in to situations that were bad for me ie. doing too much for other people and not enough for me, if you can spot the hooks dangling in front of you with a large lump of bait on them then you have a chance to consider what your action will be. An example of that could be someone else huffing and puffing over the fact that you have not done the dishes or the house is not immaculate all of the time – if you see the hook you maybe won’t feel the need to jump up and do them to suit others. My kids have finally realised that if they do not put their washing out it doesn’t get done and if they have a problem with that then they know were the washing machine is and now they have even learned that it doesn’t switch its self on either !! amazing really just what teenagers can do when they have to !!

Your CG may or may not come back with a new mess but if he does, will he be expecting you to sort out his mess? and it is his mess. Sad if he does but the consequences of what ever his actions may have been are his responsibility, yet I feel for some reason that he will try and hook you in to doing his worrying for him along with a lot of sorting. These are the things that weigh us down and make the lives of others a little lighter.

You have your head above water and that is where it is staying other people will do what they do regardless, if that is their mind set but if you begin to change a few of your reactions then you will get a different response I feel.

Show the olympic judges the door, who are they to score you but based on your last post I think they would have to agree you’ve made a cracking start just by changing one thing in your day for you. I really hope you can keep it moving Madge you deserve to be as happy as the next person and I for one look forward to reading about many more little changes that you are about to make.

Jenny x

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