[jenny46]

I used to believe that the best counsellors were the people who had ‘come through’ the other side and those who could speak from experience, those who really knew, I guess is what i’m saying.

Now as I get a little older I don’t know that I am still such a believer in that theory. Someone who has fully dealt with their issues is one thing ( if an addiction is life long, can it ever be fully dealt with) but a counsellor with an active addiction should really know that they should not be meddling in the minds of another, license or not.

I see two people brought to the helping profesions through their own needs to gain a better life for themselves, a life free from the constraints of addiction, fully aware of the dark places it is possible to go, but seemingly unable to act upon this knowledge.

I think ( and I apologise in advance for my next comments to any counsellor reading ) that they are the worlds best at swapping in to ‘counselling mode’ in defence of their own behavior – it is easy to become the expert and umm and arrr in all the right places without applying the same depth of knowledge and empathy and to apply knowledge to practice in their own lives – these to me are wonky people !!

I guess what i’m saying is physicians can’t heal themselves.

You have done tremendously well in your own recovery and I imagine that you will have had to have been selfish or put yourself first in order to achieve that, you obviously know that this is dragging you down, you recognise the impact that it could have upon you and your children but you love someone else with an addiction.

I would hate to see you go down as he comes back up and this is only my oppinion, when two people are together with similar issues, one holds up the other, as they go up we come down and so it goes on, both of us feeling that we have saved the other, both of us feeling that they too have saved us. Neither realises or practices, should I say that the only person we can ‘save’ is us.

I would urge you to be totally selfish for you at what is a very difficult time, knowledge is great, understanding – fantastic !! gut feelings and acting on them is hard,very hard

I wish you every success in your recovery

Jenny

[jenny46]

Hi Everyone
It seems such a long time since I’ve done an update I don’t know where to start.

Firstly my dog did pick up after the last time I was here but very sadly he had what we think was a stroke about 2 weeks ago now so I had to have him put to sleep – still feeling the loss, very sad to lose a good friend.

Other than the odd nasty message from my ex partner which only served as a reminder of pastures old I am now living without the addiction and life has only got better. I believe I still carry the effects but slowly they are diminishing, time can be a good healer sometimes. There are some advantages though to having such a dreadful experience, I believe that now I am a stronger person and I have a much better insight to myself than maybe I would have had before.

I remember feeling nothing, dead inside and worrying whether this feeling would stay around for ever, thankfully it seems to be lifting a little – now that could possibly be due to going on a few dates with someone who has had the ability to make me laugh although it is a bit of a culture shock to me to be treated properly !! Watch this space with that one, more dates (with the same person !) planned for this week so who knows.

The boys are all doing well and I think this could be a lot to do with their Mum being happy with her eye back on the ball and a stress free home for them, I didn’t realise quite how much they were worrying too.

So away from the shadow of the addiction all is well in Jenny land I am happy to report. In fact I think I better slow down a bit – not used to all this socialising, the amount of baths and relaxation is truly amazing, if this is recovery then long may it continue !!

I too would like to say to anyone out there who is reading and not posting, please just take that first step, I too did all of the IFs that Velvet talks about and I have one to add.

IF I had not come to this forum then there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would still be struggling in a sticky muddy hole somewhere.

IF I had not come to this forum and plucked up the courage to post I think now about 6 years ago then my life would be very very different than the one I have today.

And furthermore I would not have all of you !!

So take a chance do that first post, if you were like me then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain – with or without your CG. I am without and I survived to tell the tale !!

I am looking forward to reading everyone else’s updates and I really hope to see everyone popping up all over the place, I am guilty of being an absentee just lately (some people may be relieved XX) Even though gambling is no longer in my life I think of here often and with affection.

So with that I will love you and leave you – hopefully not quite for so long

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Fantastic post and could be a great topic !! If I could sum up my experience with this addiction many of my sentences would start with IF …. after every IF comes a BUT !!

There are no buts about this forum, I am just so glad the “but” I had that day didn’t stop me from coming here !! I still do the IFs but I don’t do the “buts”.

Good one !!

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I too would have my doubts as to whether his recent revelation of his gambling episode was a ‘one off’ in fact I would struggle to believe a word of it given that his behaviour is more consistent with someone who is gambling than with someone who is not. It almost sounds like he is up to one of those ’cause a fuss so I can create some time for gambling’ scenarios ! but I will make everyone else feel miserable and responsible at the same time.

Whether he is or he isn’t gambling Madge don’t let the actions of another spoil an opportunity for you and your children after all do you really want him being a misery for the whole of your trip.

There is no end to the selfishness around this addiction but it can also never cease to surprise us and can become more incomprehensible as we try harder to understand it – its too much like hard work !

I think I’m tempted to say get those bags packed, ensure your finances are protected and as San says leave him behind and have a great time with your kids.

He may be controlled by his addiction but you are not although I know that’s how it can feel, don’t let it take any more of your life Madge, its had quite enough already

Jen

[jenny46]

Hardly Madge ! you are doing the best that you can for your family that is not failing in my opinion.

I am reading between the lines and what I am reading has been written by someone who feels that they are responsible for absolutely everybody else and their outcomes and by someone who still is at the bottom of their own list of priorities.

You are not defined as a person by the choices that other people make, yet I sense the Olympic judges have again mysteriously appeared on the side lines with their unhelpful whispering in your ear – you are a very harsh judge of yourself.

Your husband proved he could cope well when he was either allowed or forced so keep it up, he sounds as though he’s a bit like “Madge is back so I can now give everything back to her to deal with again” The question did he give it to you or did you take it or did it just lapse back to ‘the way its always been’ ?

As we know a CG who wants to gamble or needs to gamble is going to do it anyway in any country. One massive thing that takes over enough of our head space making it difficult to concentrate on the positives and the important things and people in our lives. The implications of this snowball and everything becomes negative and a major effort and the feelings of failure increase – because we cannot change something of which we have no control over at all.

So back to you !! I am not a believer anymore of waiting to reach my limits because I never did reach them, they could always be stretched just that little bit more,, because as the feelings of self blame, guilt and failure take a hold then the limits stretch as we try ‘just that little bit harder’ and so it goes on.

Just as a CG has to actively change and work at a recovery then so do we, one little piece at a time. Things will change when we make them do so. We can wait for it to happen and ‘it’ never does happen.

I really believe Madge that when you start making time for you and forcing yourself to put yourself first, that is when other ‘stuff’ will change around you. It could be said that I am now free of the addiction which I feel I am on a day to day basis although I still carry the impact of it !! but that is because I do things like go out when really I can’t be bothered, buy myself something nice that I don’t need (yes I have money now oddly !!) have an early night, spoil the kids occaisionally and I plan it all and I force myself. I believe that if I did not do these things, all of which are in my own control to do, then I would still be in an emotionally crippling relaitionship.

I want to see you build on the start you made Madge, looking at the bits you can change for yourself, I think you may find and I hope you will, that they are well worth the effort. I think that they could bring you clarity of thought.

Time to make your recovery happen

Jenny x

[jenny46]

we can never feel what others feel because we are not them and they are not us.

I feel a tad dead inside of late unsurprising really !!

If I am to have an awakening it will not be through a card it will be through meeting someone who is worthy of my trust and deserving of my company.

Anything less is just not good enough and I wish the same for you xx

[jenny46]

Let him fill his life with normal x

Jenny xx

[jenny46]

I hope you both really enjoy your trip and that thoughts of gambling are not allowed to spoil it.

Sometimes Madge people don’t take responsibility because they are not given it. Particularly true when we have an ‘irresponsible addict’ in the household recovering or not there is a tendency for us to carry all responsibility for absolutely everything because we think they will not cope or that they will make bad choices etc etc.

I sometimes think that we are as much a contributor to the problem of responsibility as they are because we take it and hang on to it and don’t know when to give some of it back.

I think its great that he is about to have this opportunity, spare him the lectures of what he needs to do when your away. Show him quietly that the possibility of his bad choices are not interfering with your happiness or that of your daughter, you may be pleasantly surprised.
He may have an addiction but I doubt he is a total incompetent (hopefully!!).
Now is a chance for him to step up a little and if he doesn’t I would let him wallow in his own consequences after all we all know the noise that comes from irritated hungry eight year olds, rather him than me.

Enjoy your trip Madge

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I think there is something really special in a person who can say. I love someone who has this addiction. I see the person underneath despite what their addiction is showing me. That takes guts Madge.

Loving your husband is not a sign of weakness. Admitting that you love him does not give him power, it does not give the addiction power over you.

I know Madge and I wish all my hundreds of words That I have posted on here were visible for you to see right now but they are not ,but what I have said and what I will always say is that in the darkest moments there was no need for speech, we felt for each other and we both know what we felt and what was real.

The addiction had no power ultimatley, we held the power because what we had was real, the addiction wanted it but it never took it.

Our relaitionship is done but addiction never took it, it can never take what we had, although it seems impossibel.

I am not ashamed to post under my real name – which I do and I will never be ashamed to admit that I do still love a CG who was and is my best friend and that is how it will remain, all be it in the past.

I feel privaliged to have had this experience. it has just taught me so much. I have a life with new eyes and for that I guess I have to thank him – but not yet !!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny xx

[jenny46]

I am still here as is the rest of this forum. You are not broken, I won’t accept that from you because from how you post. You can not be broken by something that is already broken The way that you post indicates is that you are not broken.

This addiction will fool you Madge at every opportunity – but can it really ? no actually it can’t.

You have already done for your daughter what you felt was right – the proof is there, she is happier. You have done what is right for family members who are ill, you were there you are there.

Once again Madge you have done it and you have done it in spite of the warbling of the addiction. These are not the actions of a broken woman.

I suspect that his actions of running off to do his own thing is a means of wanting to go and gamble with no interference from you but that could also mean my cynism ( can;t spell it )

Madge You are getting it but in your last posts you don’t mention the time you are putting on one side for you any more – where has it gone ?

How about you and your daughter get on a plane or a boat and take time for you, no sour grapes – just you and your daughter away from it.

I guarantee you one thing or in fact several. If your husband is serious about recovery he will not deny you a break. I f he wants to gamble he will – nothing you can do about it.

Come on Madge I want to see you walk forard, this addiction can never take you any where that you are not prepared to go.

You only have to ask my dog who is fully recovered and acting like a luney !!

I would do my time on the floor again for my dog and my boys and for the other special people in my life that I know want a life.

Would I lie on the floor sobbing for someone who doesn’t want help or doesn’t accept the fact that they need help ? not a cats or a dogs chance in hell xx

Get back to looking after you and who is important

Jenny

[jenny46]

My ex partner is a CG. There was a recent interesting topic on the forum somewhere about self banning.

Your partner possibly may feel that he will have less control if he self bans – but less control of what ? It sounds more like he wants to keep the option to gamble there and alive rather than give a commitment to a gambling free life.

It also seems to suggest that he has not yet recognised the fact that if he gambles then he is and always will be out of control, if anything self banning places him in a better position to be in control.

If he wants to gamble then he will as you rightly say find a way but a self ban cuts some of the options and gives him time for a re think.

Ali it is great that you have control of the finances and although again he may feel that he lacks control, again he is not in the position as yet to be responsible for controlling finances which when the wrong decisions are made cause damage not only to himself but to others around him.

Personally I would rather listen to the protests than be sitting here facing yet another financial catastrophe and all that goes with it, as tedious as I know it can be.

To me Ali someone who becomes serious about recovery wants to put all the barriers in place as difficult as it may be. I don’t think it would be a very wise move to give in to any increased demands for money or to allow any bargains to be struck between choices of more money or self banning it just totally sounds like he wants to keep the avenues open.

Your own boundaries and barriers are just as important, trust in yourself as to what is best for you and just do your best to stick to your decisions because for you they will be the right ones.

Jenny

[jenny46]

I cannot believe the amount of ‘light bulb’ moments that you have had and what a benefit they will be to you and to him for that matter.

The day we realise that there is no more we can do and in fact we have done to much to our own detriment. The day we truly believe that other people have to sort themselves and it is not for us to be responsible for the actions of others allows us to let go of so much.

It is one thing to be told that it is not our fight, our fault or that there is nothing wrong with us and to know it. It is quite another for us to truly believe it ! It is definitely another to really feel it.

Well done BB now you will look at your life with fresh and sharper eyes. The smoke screens of the addiction will have a difficult job on their hands.

I for one am looking forward to seeing you get stronger and yes 101 days is quite an achievement.

To me BB his current behaviour just high lights the need for his on going support of one form or another instead of resorting to other destructive ways of coping but – you can lead a horse to water and all that.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Just wondering if you survived the snow storms as well as all the other storms of daily life ?

If you feel better / lighter then what you are doing is working for you. Allowing these things to happen to you is to me something we can say after we have reached a certain awareness not before. otherwise we just self blame even more.

To start with we don’t know that we are allowing them to happen and we are not meant to know that, such is the level of manipulation, we are supposed to think we are to blame for absolutely everything.

After the awakening it is still not easy to not allow ourselves not to allow these things to happen. Just as your CG still indulges some of his behaviour then also so do we, our responses and behaviour too have become ingrained – or at least that is how it is for me. I think that if I really believed my CG was getting support and trying I may well have a rethink, however I do not believe that !! the point I was going to make is that if he presented me with the right set of circumstances I would react in the way I have always reacted which would be to try again.

I have not had experience with someone with a sex addiction so am clueless about it but I imagine it to be quite frightening at times and like the others , far reaching in its effects on the person and on others. I think I would have difficulty in not trying to cure it with two bricks in his nether regions such is my ignorance.

Boundaries are becoming important for you Madge and are bringing stability in comparison to where you have been, it is quite amazing how continuing to stick to them will help you. Other people do get fed up with testing them if they remain firm (eventually !!)

Do the two of you do much together as a couple these days without all the talk of addiction coming in to it ? or does it always rule the conversations – just being nosy.

Any way keep it up

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I really am touched by the words of everyone who has written to me and I’m sure my dog would be as well.

At the moment he is still here no real change one way or the other, the vet has given him new stuff to try so this is the last ditched attempt. He doesn’t appear to be suffering badly but then his quality of life is not good either.

So the next day or so will hold the answers I think. He does look very sorry for himself I have to say. I put him in bed with me the other night because I just couldn’t face another night downstairs and didn’t expect him to be still with me in the morning – but he was

I am not looking after me because I am too busy looking after him, cooking rice and chicken and constantly checking on him and staying at home as much as I can along with squirting water into him etc. I resent having to be at work but we have a bit of a rota going between us.

I am being guided by the vet at the moment and above all by the dog.

Being a retired greyhound he to has been a victim of the gambling industry and all of these things are coming back to bite him ! His back legs are less able to support him because of the injuries he had, his teeth are not great due to the rubbish they are fed when racing and he is quite neurotic and easily upset.

He can also be a bit of a drama queen which I also put down to his experience of the industry !!

My middle son is 17 tomorrow – another one about to start learning to drive ! so plans to celebrate on the weekend. My youngest has just joined a gym and seems to really enjoy it which has shifted some worry for me as he now seems to have some focus on something constructive – he has been a big worry in the last couple of years.

When I eventually have time to start getting out a bit more I will have a whole array of taxi drivers to ferry me about !! so its not all bad – I cannot believe the age they are now and all three seem to be towering above me – where has all that time gone.

Will update again soon

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Thank you all for your kind replies, Madge and Ell you are spot on and thank you for being there for me.

Yes Monique I have taken my own medicine not sure whether you have as well as you don’t seem to update any more.

My dog is fading and there is nothing I can do except to be with him right now other than to make the decision as to when he has to be put to sleep, all that can be done is being done and he is comfortable and not in pain and I will stay with him on the floor until that decision is made.

The addiction is so insignificant compared to a good friend who has always been there

[Author]

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