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I am pleased that you have found a support in someone who knows what it is like to love and live with a person with an addiction.
If that support brings you relief and some happiness then long may it continue.
The comments that you have received from the others you mention are from those who have not walked in your shoes or had the misfortune to have the unwelcome intrusion of this addiction in their life. They are comments born out of ignorance, lack of knowledge and experience and not worth taking much notice of.You will have asked all of these questions like many of us, of ourselves, thousands of times before coming to the decisions that you have. You will have judged yourself enough and I suspect you are still judging yourself now.
If he was rolling around the streets completely off his head on drugs or alcohol behaving in a socially unacceptable way, if he had an addiction such as that everyone would be able to clearly see it and I should think they would all be saying what’s she doing with him, walk away etc etc. This addiction and its characteristics are so well hidden and invisible it seems to be viewed by some as not so damaging !! because they cannot see it.
The very fact that you are being asked ‘ have you tried enough ‘ etc or whatever BS it was that you were asked shows the lack of knowledge.You have done enough, you have done more than enough, you have probably done too much. He is the owner of the addiction, you are not. It was within his capacity to change it wasn’t within yours. For whatever reason he was not ready to change – he didn’t do enough !
Its not easy to walk away, I’ve done it myself, its hard and these feelings don’t go away over night or by themselves. Keep focusing on you, your children and on going forwards.
I’m not going to say don’t look back as I know you will, I catch myself frequently doing just that but now more so to remind myself of a place that I will never revisit or to draw on all that I’ve learned to apply it elsewhere.
The pain gets less with time, but it also takes work to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. Just as a CG has to work and be commited to their own recovery then so do we, it doesn’t happen on its own.
You are doing well and you have nothing to question yourself about. It takes a strong person to walk away and accept that you also have the right to make a better life.
Life is a series of choices, he made his and you’ve made yours
I wish you peace as you grow in your recovery
Jenny
I don’t think you can learn how to deal with a CG, you can ever only really deal with yourself. As things stand your CG doesn’t have a problem to deal with (in his opinion) the one who has a problem with the addiction is you.
I feel that there is a temptation to pussy foot around and creep about on eggshells, picking the right moment (there isn’t one ! except the odd one born out of loss of too much money) Agonising over trying to find the best words, to get it right, not to make things worse, not to make him gamble – it all sounds like very hard work to me, in fact I know it is as I have done it myself.
So what he’s got an addiction ! doesn’t give him the right to be abusive or unkind towards you, or spend and demand your money, or to sit there on his backside deciding whether to gamble the family funds or pay the bills while you knock yourself out holding it together.
I am not going to suggest that you issue a set of ultimatums which you are not prepared to carry through as yet but would ask you to consider why you are allowing him to treat you in such an unacceptable way. He will do what you allow him to do until you stop it.
Why should you have to worry about what to say to him if he decides to sit there gambling in front of you, he’s not worried as Vera pointed out a discussion about it can only give him reason to continue.
I think some thought around your boundaries are needed, what is and what is not acceptable to you – never mind him. Is it acceptable for him to behave like this in front of you and your children ? Is it acceptable that he gambles in front of you and your children ?
You cannot control him and his addiction already knows you inside out and back to front, it knows exactly how you will react, what happens in between and the end result and most importantly for him is he will continue to gamble, until he decides he has a problem.
Don’t let this addiction change you, don’t waste your time agonising over the right and wrong thing to do, if you have something to say then say it in a way that is right for you, anyone who has lived with this addiction knows that it is virtually impossible to remain calm when faced with adverse circumstances. If it was me I think I would have trouble not opening the door and throwing his computer down the garden or if it was a lap top, trying it on him as a pair of tight fitting winter ear muffs – so I get your frustration !
Looking after you is finding ways of making sure that his addiction is not the total focus of your life, not depending on the recovery of another in order to feel happy understanding that you are important and that your place is not to be second fiddle to an addiction.
Snub the addiction whenever possible by not rising to its ocaision not by way of an act but because you have better and more interesting things to do and talk about, if you do not then try and find something that means that you do, visit friends pick up the phone , anything that is a more fruitful use of your time.
I would urge you to better protect your finances if you possibly can, its not likely that he will have a sudden change of heart over night and decide to pay the bills – take control of the finances if he won’t agree then again it will come back down to .. are you prepared to carry on living like that.Jenny
I would also echo what everyone else has said about validation coming from within you.
Although reading your story was sad and you didn’t get the ending you would have like, I was relieved when reading it that you chose the ending that you did or a new beginning whichever way you look at it.
The alternative, possibly looking at another 20 years of the same …….. doesn’t bear thinking about.
If any validation is required read back on your post from time to time as a stark reminder to how life could have continued, there is no greater validation than the words you have written which so clearly capture what you have been through and if you hadn’t been so brave as to walk away – the life you would be still leading now.
It is hard to explain to others and many people don’t get it , I hope they never find themselves in the position where they have to find out.Jenny
The difference between a partner with a gambling addiction and cancer is very simple. A person with a gambling addiction has a choice to control their illness …….. a person with cancer does not have a choice to have or always control that illness. Both may have a choice to have treatment or not. The outcomes could be the same.
Your partner has refused the option of treatment but still wants the enablement from all of you! he denys the fact that he is ill by refusing the treatment. He is playing you and taking you all to be fools. Rock bottom is an individual thing, it doesn’t mean being allowed to land on a big fluffy pillow of options – it is where there are no other options but to choose recovery or not.
He doesn’t accept the fact that he has a problem yet.
No one should tell you what to do. No one can tell you what to do.
When I was your age, with my whole life ahead of me and faced with someone who behaved like that ………… I would have run like hell and never looked back.
I wonder now why at the age of 48 I somehow became along the way so tolerant of the poor behavior of others.
If I had my time again I would definately run !! now as it is I just settle for a slow walk in the right direction
Jenny
You have found the right place Fatima to consider your concerns. My ex partner and the love of my life is a CG, so I may have an idea of where you may be at right now.
I cannot help you with him. Put simply …. if he has this addiction he will need to admit it and to want to help himself. This is something that hopefully he will want to do for himself, because he wants a better life for himself and later , others around him.
It is difficult to know how you should speak to him ? there is not a lot in your post to say how you have tried to speak in the past ?
This addiction knows no boundaries and without knowng what you have already tried, i would say, always be you, always be straight down the line. Be honest with him, and if you can find the right words then deliver them with kindness.
This addiction thinks it is the god of manipulation, It is sad and it is weak, it shouts and screams in an attempt to hide its sadness.
The best way that you can stand with your partner and stand against this addiction is to learn to look after yourself.
I know this may not be the answer that you have come here seeking but it is non the less a truthful one. Looking after you is difficult but is your best and only way of helping him to recover
Jenny
My point is this
I know when the groups are, unfortunately at those times I am cooking tea aor getting home work done mine and my boys etc etc .I think the point i made badly was this ………..
Unless i’ve missed something, UK members are welcome if they have a partner, family member friend etc who is or has been in GH. This may have changed, I may be slow, I don’t have the answers.
I just didn’t think it would have hurt to mention that those members or potentially new members are also welcome !!
Jenny x
Perhaps at some stage there will also be some consideration given to UK members as well !
There probably was no better way of saying UK not welcome
Thanks for your lovely reply on my thread. Pleased to hear things are getting a little easier for you.
Yes great quote, its amazing what can happen when we begin to look at ourselves, as difficult as it can be, well worth it.
You are doing that and reaping the rewards and i’m sure that your own changes must be benefiting your CG as well whether he sees it yet or not !
Jenny x
Thanks for your reply to me
Being a mother can often be a thankless job, a never ending stream of varying forms of unpaid employment ! Cook, taxi driver, cash point, friend, great big ogre etc etc !! there are so many roles you fulfil which can change minute by minute – and what thanks do you get , probably as much as me !!
On top of this you are married to someone with a whole host of issues which involve the need to take rather than give. Is it really any wonder that you feel the way that you do.
There are many ocaisions when I have screamed “what about me, what about my feelings ” ” what does everyone think I am a machine devoid of all emotion?????”
In truth that is what I was well on the way to becoming -it was a coping mechanism for extreme circumstances that emotionally I was struggling to cope with.
I think my lesson in looking after me was to start seeing other people who made me laugh and were good company. You have your classes which is good and i’m sure helps to vent some of what’s going on but where is the emotional quality in the good relaitionships that we lose when we are so caught up in being everything to everyone ? The type of stuff that replaces bad with good ?
Out of interest, when you say you love him – what is it you actually love about him when it comes down to it ?
You have been heard Madge and there can be a time when things appear to stay the same or in limbo for what seems to be forever.
I read an interesting quote recently which said ” If you follow your heart, remember to take your head with you”
Jenny x
Facing these types of situations is very hard and is an illustration that his addiction is still very much alive and kicking.
Velvet refers eloquently to the addiction as a slavering beast, perhaps ask her about it if you have not already read it on many other posts.
Saying no to the addiction or confronting it is like poking the beast with a sharp stick – it makes a great big fuss, screeching dribbling and snarling.
It is very likely that it will also sulk or indeed try any other form of emotional blackmail in order to get what it wants, in this case its grubby little paws on money it shouldn’t have !
Although hard and we’ve all caved in to the various tactics that we are faced with – try your best to stick to your guns and decline his requests.
The danger of giving in is that next time it comes back bigger and stronger and harder to deal with and we get weaker and weaker no has to mean no.
Perhaps its better that he doesn’t speak if he has nothing pleasant to say – saves you having to listen to the rubbish and become involved in arguments that have no rhyme or reason to them let alone logic.
Its good that you have places to go if you need and please make full use f them if there is a fear of violence erupting, no one should live in fear. Perhaps another option could be to put some space between you before it explodes and leave him to stew on his self created circumstances.
Whatever you decide to do please put your own safety first otherwise let him have a good squark in the knowledge that it is an addiction talking and one that’s actions are more likely driven by fear.
Jenny
I think filling your life with good things is important on a whole host of levels.
If your partner loves you he would want you to be happy and not be controlled by the addiction that controls him. I guess like many he struggles to deal with himself and to deal with the feelings of another as well can be too much for both. Seeing that you can still do good things for you may lighten his load a little.
In your reply earlier you say it is difficult being with a CG and it is, that is why it is so important to do things that build you up. You can’t run an old boiler without fuel and you need your strength. Addiction takes from us it doesn’t give back, put back in what it takes out.
Looking after you means that you start to recognise your own importance to yourself and that happiness does not depend on the happiness of another but that it is a bonus if the other also comes to live with happiness.
It proves that you can accept that you are not responsible for actions of another or the consequences of those actions and that you do in fact recognise that you cannot control the other but you can control your self by making better choices. You can decide what happens next, whether your day will be a better one or not.
I’d be surprised if your CG couldn’t tell a good story, mine certainly could, some very elaborate ones as well !! I found a difficulty in opening up as I thought I should be the one who appeared to cope and didn’t spend enough time “focusing” “looking after” me. I have always worked through a lot of things within myself through posting to others.
Do you do nice things together ? without the dreaded G word making an appearance in every conversation, perhaps for now at least the G conversations are just to difficult for you to have together and better experiences are there to be had and good memories can be made for both of you. Take some pleasure in not allowing it to interfere with the good things in your lives. Possibly it is time to separate it out and exclude gambling from your life instead of it leaving you feeling that you have been excluded from its life.
Something else you may read here from time to time is that happiness is the best revenge you can have on this addiction – I (if I remember to do it now) take a great satisfaction in secretly and often openly holding up two fingers in my mind for every day that I am happy, each day that gambling addiction does not have a say in how I am feeling.
The best way to see if it works is to try it out on yourself, it doesn’t have to be anything massive, small things but lots of them can be just as effective !
Try it you don’t have anything to lose
Jenny x
Remembering the things that you loved to do before being touched with an addiction. It means simplicity ..creating space to remember the small things in life that made you happy, it means being a tad selfish because you are important. More important than a highly insiduous disease that controls your every thought and your every action.
Its the innocent or naughty smile on the faces of your children.. remembering what is actually impotant
Its about knowing that you are important and recognising that sometimes you just have to make the time and space to do that.
Its baby steps
Jenny x
I am a little confused as to why you call yourself a co dependent,
Having skimmed your post I didn’t read anything there that lead me to the same conclusion.There is nothing there that suggests that you need to be addicted to the addictions of another. A co dependant needs their other half to be sick or they in turn need also to be sick in order to be completeish !!
I don’t think that’s you but of course you can fight your corner if you really believe that to be the case
I don’t think you will because just like me you love someone with the compulsion to gamble and there is no shame in that , not on this forum.
So I assuming for one minute that I am right !! the next step is what you may want to do next??
There is no pressure to do anything. Things are often so difficult we lose the ability to do nothing everything screams at us from within and without …………. I have to do something , you must do something ………… it just goes on and on
Sit back, learn what you can but about yourself, do nothing until you are no longer in crisis.
Keep posting keep talking
Jenny x
That’s not you
Hi Looby
Just thought i’d impose on your reply to Bonkers, Glad to read that life’s busy, I too still read but not so often ! I guess there comes a time when we move on for better or worse ( no marriage on the horizon!!!)
Glad I came here tonight and saw your post, Have often wondered how you are xxThe fairies are still with you I take it ??
Jenny x