[jenny46]

It’s not sad or pathetic to choose to stand by someone you love, it’s just the way it is. Well done on beginning to look after you and also for coming back. Stick with the forum even if it does from time to time appear that things have improved, knowledge is something you will need to give yourself the best chance of seeing this through.

An active addiction will almost certainly dictate what happens financially and it is of little surprise that he spent money which was put aside for something else. An active CG cannot be trusted to handle money, prevention is better and I would suggest that any money that you are saving for joint things is kept by you or this will keep repeating until he finds recovery. Many people who want help give up their finances to others to handle as a barrier to gambling but he seems quite away off seeking help. It is quite unlikely that he will in fact save up for anything and that his answer is to gamble a little bit more – chase his losses. Asking you to trust him, sounds like manipulation to me, as I’m sure you found out.

I’m sure he did want to come home after losing the money and for what its worth I feel you did the right thing in not immediately allowing this.

Dictating what you do comes in many forms. The fact that you question your own responses or conceal your own hurt is being dictated to. It is the living in fear of saying, doing the wrong thing – not wanting to make things worse or constantly wondering how you can make things better – walking on egg shells etc etc.

The fact is what you do, can neither make him gamble or make him stop gambling. It is his choice alone which way he goes. It feels like its both of your problems but in reality the problem is his alone and only he can address it. The aftermath however is the bit that you share. You can support from the side lines but you cannot take on something that is not actually yours or within your control as your own.
Consequences of his actions and enough of them are what may lead him to believe that he has a problem. Yes he let himself down but he did let you down and he hurt you – consequences of his actions, don’t pretend otherwise to him it only serves to keep him in denial.

I’m not suggesting you launch into a major lecture (as tempting as that can be !) but that you don’t down play the impact that his gambling also has on you.

Its good that he is talking to you, but ideally it would be nice to see some action. If you put the words on one side what is he actually doing about it, seeking help or putting barriers in place ? or just talking a good show until the next time.

He may well want to keep you but it’s also worth asking yourself whether its also you being frightened of losing him and if so – why ?

Keep working on looking after you and think about what your own boundaries in all of this are going to be.

You are doing well, keep posting

Jenny

[jenny46]

Its not easy to stay strong after going through all you have been through, possibly at a time where you have already been worn down over many months by trying to support and love a person with an addiction and one who appears not to want to change.
I think taking care of yourself and not expecting too much of yourself could be helpful right now until you begin to recover from what must have been quite a traumatic experience. Although they might seem like very little statements to make they are quite loaded in content and much easier said than done.
What I mean by looking after you is not allowing the addiction to gamble to dictate what happens next and also your future, it means concentrating on you and what you can control and not on that which you can’t. Distancing yourself from gambling and the effects of, can mean a whole host of changes for you such as beginning to do things again which you may have put on one side such as seeing friends etc. I was surprised just how much of my head and time had been taken up with issues around gambling, worrying, second guessing etc etc and the private detective skills that would have put Sherlock Holmes to shame, all take up so much time and energy that other more productive things go to the wayside and then there is suddenly a great big empty void where they once were – that needs to be filled.

No one should live in fear of such physical outbursts and how they might escalate in the future, you tried to help but unfortunately he is not ready to accept that help and appears not to be showing any signs of doing so. Having an addiction is no excuse for that sort of threatening behaviour , its totally out of order and unacceptable and not, in my opinion, just a symptom of this addiction

If it is truly over then slam the door in the face of the addiction and nail it up, even the smallest chink of light / hope shown to the addiction provide it with opportunities to seek enablement, manipulate and basically talk its nonsense until you believe once again that change is on the horizon.

Looking after you, calls for you to look at your boundaries and how you are going to accept being treated especially if you decide to give it another go.

Its difficult and its painful if a break up occurs but in these situations it can be more difficult and painful to carry on without light at the end of the tunnel, at least that was my own experience.

People can and do change – if they want to badly enough there is proof of this all over this site.

Take your time, put yourself first and above all keep yourself safe – and keep posting

Jenny

[jenny46]

I normally post on F&F, actually I don’t really post anywhere any more! but I still read frequently and have been following your struggle with interest.
I would like to wish you well with your ongoing quest for recovery and all the very best for a life changing experience in GMA.

It must be hard not to keep reliving what this addiction has done to yourself and your relaitionships and keep looking back with regrets unless it serves as some sort of re-enforcement of course.

But just a little word of encouragement from me, there is nothing worse than watching someone you love destroy themselves, money also becomes somewhat insignificant in the scale of things.
All I ever wanted was to see the person I loved get well again, be happy again, with or without me, despite having at times a strong desire to knock him on the head with something ! Although we are now apart, I would still want that for him, the various incidents etc seem strangely not very relevant. It would have been enough for me to have seen a fight or a struggle going on.

So what I am saying (badly !!) is that you are doing all of that, you are trying, struggling and doing what you can do right now to get well and I hope go on to be happy, these actions should speak volumes and they say so much that is positive about you.

I for one take my hat off to you and wish you every success

Jenny

[jenny46]

Although it may be true that there is no concrete proof that your wife continues to gamble, there is certainly a considerable amount of evidence pointing in that direction and I also feel that within your gut you have a very good idea of what’s going on here. I am a strong believer in gut instincts and their ability to be spot on, with the proof following at a later date when or if the bomb explodes.

My personal opinion for what it is worth, is that why on earth would you trust her at such an early stage and if she were serious about a recovery – would she honestly expect you to ?

Putting the tremendous amount of, missing cash with no logical explanation for its disappearance, on one side for a moment, do you notice any positive changes about her ? Is she for example seeking any help, small personality changes for the better ?

It is hard when one has a priority of paying bills etc to not feel the need to ask where this money has gone and more so to then be faced with the knowledge that the answer is probably not a truthful one and just to compound the annoyance to be branded as a mistrusting nosy parker ! I remember the feelings well unfortunately.

I know things may work differently there with regards to responsibility for debt and from what you say you may end up being responsible for it – just to add insult to injury but if she continues to rack it up where on earth is it going to end – is there no way of legally limiting yourself from further damage ? I am asking out of complete ignorance, it seems very unfair.

It is difficult, soul destroying, to want so much to believe that things are in some way different from the last time but to also know deep down that they are not.

Don’t beat yourself up over the mind twisting statements made by an addiction, they are perfectly designed to have the effects that you describe almost ‘text book’ its a great pity that the cleverness needed in making them isn’t as yet being channelled into a recovery – or so it would appear.

I guess the ring being there is hurtful – yet another manipulative statement or just a coincidence – who knows. The constant creation of emotional dilemmas, on one hand I understand why you need to keep money for bills but I’m sure there would be a strong temptation to help out with the car rather than see it wasted on a fruitless addiction.

If you have protected yourself as far as you are able financially then what else can you do, short of leaving or asking her to go if it comes to breaking point and biting the financial bullet unless she gets help.

Trust your gut instincts, if you feel that she is gambling then she probably is. There is little point in asking the question because if she is gambling she won’t tell you the truth – so why wind yourself up and why ask a question that you know the answer to, its just giving the addiction a fight and causing you further distress. Actions speak a lot louder than words in these situations.

Keep your chin up and do what you can to protect yourself, you can do no more until you decide that something more needs to be done

I wish you well

Jenny

[jenny46]

But in the face of such adversity you are still standing ! all be it with a fragility that must seem like it hangs in the balance quite frequently.

I sometimes get the impression that some people think that as the addiction has in a sense left our lives, that the turmoil it creates in many areas of our lives leaves with it – just like that.

It leaves a legacy, in my humble opinion of destruction, all the things that have happened to you seem to link back to someone else’s compulsive gambling, a not very nice person who chose to allow his addiction to thrive instead of having the guts to stand up to it despite the damage to others as well as its owner.

It is truly amazing that despite everything life has thrown at you that you are still carrying on and it has not beaten you, even if it sometimes feels that way, or maybe even most of the time.

It says a lot about you that you don’t want to seek revenge etc many people would, I think I’d be out for putting his head on a sharp stick – whether it achieved anything or not !!

You haven’t given up, you are still doing this, in the way that right now is the best or only option for you. All the counselling and venting in the world cannot solve practicalities but it helps to keep a clear head clear and look at different approaches to life’s problems.

You may not notice this yourself but I sensed more strength and resolve in your recent posts regardless of there being maybe not much change in your physical circumstances.

Please don’t give up now

Jenny

[jenny46]

Thank you for your kind words on my post, its appreciated. Being in between, on reflection was one of the most difficult phases for me. The deep down feeling that it was never going to work, that all trust was destroyed and just generally feeling emotionally unsafe around him. At the same time, not wanting to really believe that love could not conquer all and the guilty feeling that I was deserting a sinking ship.

I have been through many phases where I have been unable to post or have felt like to continue to post was almost prolonging my own agony, I guess it was the rawness of it all at the time. Worse still I suppose that now I had changed my views on how I had handled certain things and began to form opinions on what I could have done differently then that sometimes led to a thought that maybe it could work and that I feel was unsafe for me.

Now I feel more able to post now and again and try to remember those who posted to me at times when they to were going through hell.

I think the only thing that really moved me out of the in between phase was a concerted effort to practice what I had learned, in particular the temptation to stay in, not to socialise, these were things that I felt like doing but had learned were not good for me.

I had to force myself to look up my friends, go out, get into better routines at home, focus on the boys etc, none of it came easily and seemed like hard work

Slowly it worked and I now practice even now the art of continuing to look after me. The more time I spent in the company of nice, funny uncomplicated people the more it hit home to me just how wrong everything had been and that had almost become my normal.

I guess as we go forward we realise what is really important, chasing the ever illusive recovery of another or making the most of what we actually have and what is tangible and the knowledge that the way to change the situation may mean that we sometimes have to make painful decisions in order to gain a better future.

I could not go back now even if I wanted to, it is no longer within me to do it and I have no desire, I often wonder what I was doing there in the first place or whether I had a knock on the head at some stage.

Hopeful you may feel in between right now but filling this void up with things, if you can, leaves far less empty spaces for sadness until eventually there will be no room left for it at all.

You will get to the other side and I’m sure you will be a different and stronger person when you get there to when you started your journey. It takes time but also a good deal of effort in times when we find it easier just to hide from the world.

I think when the decision is made then sometimes it is a case of ploughing ahead regardless even though its more like a snow plough in a bad blizzard !!

Any way thanks again for your post and keep at it, one foot in front of the other, in your own time.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I don’t think you should feel stupid at all for allowing the contact, we can only learn as we go along, in often the most adverse of circumstances. There is nothing stupid about trying to make sense of what we later see as the senseless.

Hopeful if you are stupid, then you are not on your own, I would be right up there with you, going on the amount of times that I allowed the addiction, its lies and manipulation to re enter my life, only days/weeks later to discover that it was of course exactly the same and often worse.

I used to get these horrible gut feelings that I was being spun a yarn but at the same time wanted to believe that this time it would be all true.

Every time I believed I seemed to become a little more vulnerable until I had long enough too see it for what it actually was.

It is a painful fact to face that what is being said is just a cruel act of manipulation. It is much harder to know that love exists but cannot be because addiction has planted itself well and truly in the middle. Your CG may well love you it may not be all a complete lie but none the less he is gripped by something that kills off feelings on both sides until eventually it is just too late and the damage is horrendous

You will have done all you can have done to point him in the right direction and to have supported him should he have wanted to change, probably like most of us having done way too much than what was good for you and probably him to.

You’ve been through a hell of a lot and made some very tough decisions and after all of that he maintains there is no problem ! I think that says it all really.

I think the good thing is that now you are going forward, you know and can recognise the tactics and as hurtful as it is, you know the level of manipulation that is going on and that knowledge will stand you in good stead in the coming weeks.

Please don’t put yourself down for falling for it or not always being strong enough not to get sucked in, we’ve all been there.

Keep posting, keep blocking !! and you will get stronger and your more vulnerable moments will get less, concentrate on you and what is good for you, enjoy the company of others that do not want to take from you and who make you feel good about yourself, it goes a long way

Jenny

[jenny46]

I have been out of my relaitionship for over 12mths now but initially as had happened many times before, I faced a bombardment of texts and calls ranging from the I love you bit and i’ll never gamble again to the most horrible insults imaginable.

The minute I replied often in a moment of weakness or a moment of wanting to believe it just would all start up again. Even if my reply was a negative one it appeared to be received as – a “chance” almost like a child, bad attention was attention non the less.

I too thought of many possible reasons for this including some of those that you describe, was it enablement, chasing losses etc etc it was just something else to think about, something else to try and work out.

I put on my recent update that I had recently received a text when having reason to unblock my phone and I was a bit surprised that it was still happening. I know however exactly what could have happened if I had replied in any way, not a rekindling but a boat load of stress I don’t need or want.

I think the level of manipulation increases after a break up or is it just that we begin to see more clearly what has or is going on when the dust begins to settle? Either way its just so horrible to be in a relaitionship where we have to examine the motives for everything that is said – and even out of !

The only thing that worked for me was to have absolutely no contact at all, not to read the messages or listen to the calls, and later certainly not to respond in any way no matter how tempting it was. The minute that I did, my mind would be whirring the cogs grinding and it was too much like hard work.

I also think that the presence of all you describe are not the actions of the person in recovery but the gambling addiction in full flight trying every trick it knows, making it all far less believable. It is all designed to be confusing and hurtful to bring you down, to make you vulnerable, so it is little wonder that from time to time you are hurt.

Hopeful if your relaitionship is over and the door is shut then its best to keep it shut, slammed and bolted, even the smallest chink of light can show the addiction a way in such is its ability to manipulate.

I have no idea how long he will go on for or why but what I do know is its best not to feed the fire or it will continue to burn you. Carry on concentrating on you and try not to give him any avenues to make you start analysing what is happening. Its not worth it.

I think you know exactly what he is doing

Jenny

[jenny46]

Life is really good for me at the moment. The boys now aged 22, 17 and 16 are brilliant, quite the young men. So much so that they appear to be thinking that they are my Dad at the moment. Middle one passed his driving test a couple of months ago so I now have two taxis on tap which is useful as I seem to have great difficulty in staying in just lately, he continues to do really well at college with plans for university next year, oldest continues to work and is happy with his girlfriend three years together now.

I still struggle for words with my youngest on occaisions although that is not something he struggles with – what a mouth ! I shall feel nothing but relief when he finally finishes school next year.

I have loads of friends (good ones) and a social life that wears me out but in a very happy way, and yes a new partner who is just hilarious and we do nothing but laugh the whole time we are together, completely on the same page about most things.

Slowly and I mean very slowly the big defensive walls are coming down often becoming more of a hindrance these days than the necessary help that they were over a year ago now. I think I will always retain a few safety bricks, i’d be silly not to. But for now I have no reason to be behind them.

I have been busy changing bedrooms the last few weeks and am now in the process of creating a retreat which will be nothing less than paradise when finished, it feels like yet anther new start. Having said that I am not known for my DIY skills so it could take a while and I refuse to depend on anyone else except me for stuff like that. I am now back on my own two feet and I intend to stay there.
I found a few reminders of my ex in my clearing out mood which have been appropriately disposed of, I need no reminders of that time in my life.

I will keep what i’ve learned and treasure it always and for gaining that knowledge – I have no regrets.

It has been over a year now since I have seen my ex in person and months since we spoke, I did however get a text a few months ago asking how I was when I had unblocked my phone for another reason which was asking ‘how are you’

My immediate reaction was to send one back saying – fantastic without you and your addiction in my life, but I resisted the temptation and felt pretty much nothing at all except, Oh My God your actually still at It !!!

So that’s me in a nut shell, life goes on as they say and i’m enjoying every minute. I shall continue to read from time to time as ever and hope to do one or two replys and updates now I am able to stand more back from the situation and not be upset by it.

I will never forget those who posted to me although i’m sure it was at times a very painful experience, without them I really have no idea where I would be now, actually I have a very good idea and it wouldn’t have been pretty

Love always

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Just wanted to say a big well done to you, you gave it your best shot and you did what was best for your children and yourself.

I like you walked away having been through that mangle enough times and yes my children got dragged through it as well. I walked away a few times and went back until it was just that once too much.

I also believed I could never trust etc again so I deliberately took time out of relaitionships possibly through fear of maybe attracting another wrong person, I too had many days where I felt like hiding under the duvet and never coming out.

As your recovery goes on Hopeful and it takes a long time to be so damaged and longer possibly to recover from that damage, things will get better time is a great healer as they say.

Having said that I have had to work to build my life after addiction, time does heal but a recovery has to be worked as well. I deliberately went out with friends when I felt like not wanting to, put my make up on when I didn’t want to be bothered and cut myself a lot more slack than I had previously been doing.
I noticed that the more time I spent in good company and honest company the easier it was to see what I had become and to resolve that it would never happen again.

Its paid off for me as i’m sure it will for you, now I am in a brilliant relaitionship one which is just full of laughter and happiness and strangely with someone who I do manage to trust ( amazingly )
I have to say though I did go in to shock a few times initially when he bought me a few drinks ( a some what alien concept to me as i’m sure you can imagine) and at times I have had to work a bit to allow myself to be treated nicely without needing to be suspicious !! I guess I have just been so much more careful of who I let in to my life.

Hopeful I believe your experience will and has made you a stronger person and with the ability to go forwards in your recovery and use this experience to draw on in the rest of your life, then things will only get better.

I too have said my goodbyes on this forum ( several times ! ) mainly because I wanted to leave all thoughts of gambling behind and really that I had nothing left to contribute and now that I don’t always feel too right about being so happy on here – if that makes sense ?

I have however never been that far away and often still read without replying, now with more of a sense of objectivity than unhappy and sad memories and as a reminder as to where I don’t want to be !

I am really glad you’ve written that post, another success story although It may have not been the type of success you had in mind initially.

It shows that we too have choices and its down to us to make them, happiness is not found in the potential for someone else’s recovery it has always been within us it just takes for us to apply the same level of common sense to ourselves as we have tried to apply to our CGs.

I do hope that in months to come you may consider doing a little update ( I should update my own !), I feel like i’m saying goodbye before Hello ! but should you choose not to I would wish you and your children bucket fulls of happiness in your futures.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

You are going through it, but you are doing this and doing it well. When I read your last two posts I am sorry to say they seem just oh so familiar. His words stink of manipulation too me, or shall I say his lies do ! I’m sorry if i’m sounding a little blunt or even harsh towards him.

I can also tell in your posts that your own voice inside your head is talking to you and telling you the truth in all of this. I don’t think anyone really knows why someone would go and waste their money like this, many CGs will tell you that they don’t understand it so how on earth are you supposed to. You could ask this question for years and never find the answer – its not worth burning out your mind trying to work it out.

Often Hope, gambling addiction is not about the money, it is about the gamble. Money is a tool that the addiction needs in order to gamble, it isn’t the focal point or the goal, much of the time.

I think anyone who’s never lived with the addiction to gamble would never be able to comprehend the real enormity of it all and its ability to cause such destruction. You didn’t sign up for this and neither would he have done and certainly no one would or should blame you if you ran like hell.

Don’t be fooled in to thinking he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing in justifying his recent actions, he will know because he will have spent hours thinking about the best thing to say to make him self appear to be quite justified in his actions and you to end up feeling you got something badly wrong! I don’t think you’ve got your thoughts wrong but it is the next few actions that will count I think.

Sometimes, I remember Velvet saying to me and several others that when we don’t know what to do it is best to do nothing, as difficult as that maybe it works. Plus It is infuriating to people who are waiting for your usual predictable reactions !!

Action however is what you need to see, depending on what it is that you decide to do, if you cut out all the usual bluster and noise and a bit of screeching, what has he actually done that would lead you to believe he wants to change ?

Has he picked up the phone, attended a meeting or looked on this site without you telling him he should seek help ? Sorry has little meaning but actions speak a lot louder than words.

I don’t want to influence you one way or the other really, except to say stick to your guns and don’t move 1mm on anything you have decided upon. Take time out and don’t listen to the crap.

You don’t need luck hope, you need a clear mind

Jenny x

[jenny46]

It seems the addiction had a good old squark at your expense when it didn’t get its own way, I remember the horrible screeching noise well, so annoying !
I think you’ve done extremely well to stand your ground and not enable him in the ways that he wanted you to, as we’ve said before if he wants to do it he will but the important thing is that you are not the one to help him, you will have sent an extremely loud message to his addiction – hence the reaction, insults and blame. He is too blind to know that this is the kindest thing you can do for him at the moment.

Did he stay or did he go in the end ? Which ever it was, you are going to need to be stronger than ever which maybe the last thing you want to be right now. I am guessing that he will have either gone back to agreeing to the rules in order to shut you up, or he is relieved at having been given a first class excuse to go off and gamble, feeling a level of justification somewhere down the line.
However I suspect there will be a considerable amount of squarking in the pipeline for you to listen to!

Be strong Hope you have told him where you stand and what you need for you right now and a bit of space seems like a useful idea right now and I for one hope you have taken it even if it is just enough time to let things calm down and you to regain some clarity of thought.

It does seem when in the thick of it that you are fighting the beast, that’s what it likes and breeds off. Further down the line I think I realised there is no fight to be had, more a question of boundaries, my own boundaries – the line in the sand.

Its a good question Hope ? When was the last time you were happy in this relaitionship ? Would you let someone treat you in this manner who did not have this addiction? or is it that you sometimes see a glimmer of the person that he could be should he decide to get him self under control ? I know there’s a few questions there but I think you hit the nail on the head about your own happiness, dreams and aspirations and I hope you can keep these at the forefront of your mind in whatever communications you have in the coming days.

This has to be about you and your children and how you want your lives to be, there is no fight to be had where that is concerned, you already know the answers, they are within you, your inner voice will be talking to you all be it more of a whimper at the moment given your recent experience. Please listen to it as it will be talking a lot of sense.

I went backwards and forwards so many times it was unreal so if you did decide not to take some space please do not see that as being a weakness, try to stick to what you know you can follow through – out of little acorns grow big oak trees.

I think many of us have given ultimatums that we have been unable to follow through and often through wanting to believe that this time its going to change. The addiction seems to gain some weird strength from a failed ultimatum seeing it as another risk, another gamble that’s how it felt to me.

Sometimes I think its better just to make a promise or a pact to yourself rather than issue an ultimatum. Mine was that I would not live with the addiction to gamble again, it would be a very unwelcome visitor in my home and the children’s home and now I know I would have no hesitation in slamming the door in its face and keeping it shut, where as for years it was always a little ajar.

I wish you strength in the coming days and hope you update soon, everyone here is walking with you in their own way, you are most definately not alone.

Jenny x

[jenny46]

I was the partner of a CG for coming up to 7 years so I may have an idea of what you may be going through right now. This forum has been my saving grace for many years and without it I do not believe I would have the fantastic life I have today. So what ever happens please stick with it.

I’m glad you are beginning to see that it is his problem to be accountable and responsible for his own actions and not yours. I think you’ve read in Veras reply to you regarding the very big but in the middle of all of this, being he has to have the desire to change and not one that is just said when the proverbial hits the fan to stop you taking any form of action, or at least action that counts.

If a CG wants to gamble then they will, no amount of putting him to bed early like a naughty child is going to change that. My ex once said to me, it takes 2 minutes to place a bet and the other 23 hours and 58 minutes are taken up with planning the next one, planning the next lie or excuse, scheming and plotting ( that was in one of his more honest moments !)

The fact that he needs to do this is leading to you having to try and keep up, stay ahead of the game etc and although you may end up with a set of private detective skills which are second to none, it will not help it will burn you out as I think you are starting to discover. As has been said before the only way to win is not to play. The lies just get bigger along with the increase in distrust and resentment.

If you have protected your finances consider changing the one person you can change and which you can control and that is you. You may want to say why should I change its not me with the addiction its him and you’d be right but addiction is not called a family illness for no reason and it has the capacity to bring those that are closest to it down.

You will hear people say to you about looking after you and it seems almost a trivial thing in the scale of things ( as if you have time !) but take it from me it is the key to your own success. As it stands now, far from you being in control of it and its goings on, it is controlling your life, bringing you down to act in a way that no one in a loving relaitionship should have to do, finishing university because of it etc, controlling the person will not control the addiction, its sometimes helpful to see the person differently to the addiction.

When was the last time you did something that was just for you without the G word creeping in somewhere down the line, where are you on your own list of priorities, I am guessing somewhere near the bottom. Your happiness is important, more important, your children need a mum who is together and happy. Your happiness cannot depend on the recovery of another you need to recover to.

Whether you stay or go is a choice only you can make the same as controling his addiction is a choice only he can make. When was the last time you went out and had a laugh with a friend or bought yourself something without considering the impact on your finances because of his gambling ?

I chose a different life and I am still standing to tell the tale in a new and fantastic relaitionship which only serves to hit the point home that I stayed way to long in something that was destructive to me and my children and also to my ex CG. However I also know of people who have made it work there are many examples on this forum and I would take my hat off to them every time – it can be done.

I have no regrets, a few unpleasant memories now and again but I believe I am a stronger person and my learning has been incredible I am almost glad I did it !!I can apply it now to so many other different things.

Protect your finances, look after you and your children and let him choose to fall flat on his face if he so chooses to do so, holding him afloat only prolongs the agony for all of you.

Above all stick with the forum and keep learning

Jenny x

[jenny46]

Fantastic news !!

[jenny46]

You’ve certainly made my day, I have thought about you often and am just so relieved and excited for you.

Its just so lovely to have that peaceful feeling.

I am approaching my 50’s and am enjoying my life in so many ways, almost better for my learning over the past 7 or 8 years!! Its your time now Jilly and you certainly deserve continued peace and a very big dose of happiness.

I’m sure he was surprised that you didn’t try to win him back, almost as surprised as I would have been if you had !!

With very Best Wishes to you and your family

Jenny / Dawn ( I forgot who I was last time I spoke to you)

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