[Dark Energy]

Hi Jvr3419,
thank you for your encouraging words, and I guess yes I am a bit late in many life aspects but I hope eventually I will catch up.
the loneliness is a very sad part but I can’t bring anyone to this mess.
and the question is to hide it in the beginning then break it down slowly ?? because who needs to get engaged with a gambling addict!!.

a supportive partner is very helpful in recovery, especially for the part of controlling the access to money, but this is fine for those who become addicted after years of happy marriage, but for me how I will bring someone into this mess, Who will accept to marry a gambling addict!.
then the second questing will be : Is it good to hide my addiction until I get marride, then break it down to her slowly. this was the plan 3 months ago I was in relation and I was about to propose to her but I have entered to gambling cycle that kept my mind busy and away from everyone, I was barely working, and I was not speaking to her and I didn’t respond to her calls because I was really down and that ruined everything. we have ended it before we start.

anyhow I watched one SMART recovery video, the therapist was asking his patient what are your priorities in life, their answers were something like a family, work, …etc but no one put recovering from addiction as one of his priorities, he mentioned that recovering from addiction should be the first priority because addiction will ruin everything and you will not be able to achieve any of your goals or live a happy life.
and he is damn right, in each cycle of relapse all my plans will be F up, I will start eating a lot of junk food with no exercise, in each relapse cycle that will continue 2 to 3 weeks I end up gaining 4 to 5 kg, my focus of work goes to 5% I bearly was able to work on the very very urgent things, my social life is down to zero, even speaking to my family will be like once a week instead of daily. everything will be F up once the cycle starts.
and I guess this should be my focus, no big goals or hopes, just one goal being free of gambling and then everything will be better.
today is Day#2 and I hope this count will continue to 1000 days, I guess such a period is what I need to catch up in life, and if I relapsed after that: I am ok, I can accept it. by then will have a good support system that will prevent a relapse from destroying my life.

[Dark Energy]

Day#1
I was about to start a new thread but I thought again and it is better to continue posing on this thread. no need to run away from my past I should learn from it keep it to remind myself of all these failed recovery trials.

today is a new day free of gambling, and I am thankful for that, no big dreams this time, no big hopes of recovery, no big plans for the future, I need to keep it simple, just one day at a time and everything will be better. just I should not gamble.

[Dark Energy]

Hi IDidIt,
yes, I was feeling very low on that day, I hope that kind of days will be fewer in the future.
At this stage, I am so fragile the slightest thing can put me down. but things are getting better. last week got an unexpected salary increment and I am focusing more on work and GYM.
anyhow I know everything will get better in the future if I stayed away from gambling.

I like your idea of focusing on the process, not the goal. it makes sense.

to be honest. I was about to relapse, it was just a matter of time.
2 days ago I have re-activated my trading account the plan was to buy some crypto futures which is an ok thing to do if it is done without leverage. but it always starts with good intentions.
opening an account to buy some crypto coins without leverage, and it always ends with margin trading and futures trading with high leverage. then everything will spiral out of control to a degree where I was about to sell my car 3 times in the past 4 months to be able to trade more or to cover my expenses for the rest of the month. “thankfully I still have the Car”.

After reading your post and watching the video I have blocked my accounts again, your post and Charles’s post and going back to reading my old record woke me up. I know how this vicious cycle starts. If I started it again I will get the same result so NO I AM NOT GONNA DO IT THIS TIME.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Charles,
you are absolutely right, I have to inform someone about my addiction and give him\her control over my finances.

I have to do this step everything else is just a temporary fix for a permanent problem.

[Dark Energy]

the next Tuesday is my payday, the urges started from yesterday, this month I will have a quite good extra amount considering all my monthly payments and expenses.
it is a real test for my recovery I need to be prepared. if I fail it is back to square zero if I survive it is a step toward a better future.

[Dark Energy]

feeling better compared to the day I wrote the above post.
anyhow it is a long way but I have to walk on it step by step,
hey future me! don’t rush your recovery, everything will get better, keep “not gambling” as your compass and you will reach a better place.

[Dark Energy]

generally, I am optimistic, but on some days like today, I am feeling so sad and depressed. I just need to sleep and let this day pass hoping tomorrow will be better.

I always was a competitive person, I was very successful at school and at work but this addiction put me years behind everyone. and I am in my mid-thirties and still not married, don’t have kids, this aspect causes me to try to rush things up, and rushing up didn’t work for the last 3 years. it has to be a slow and stable recovery.

I always had these big ambitions: a better job, owning my own business…etc but I am feeling I have to admit that these are the cards that are in my hand now, and this is what life gave me. I have to play it as it is. it is not the best hand that I wish to have for this short life. but this is what I got, I have to play and I have to enjoy the game as well. even if I know that it is a losing game. I have to reduce my ambitions to make it look like a win.

it is f**** depressing to look at it from my perspective as an atheist, I got this short life to live and then I will vanish forever as if this is not hard enough to deal with… I have added to the mix this f**** addiction!!!
as I can see I am losing the game of life, the bar is getting lower and lower, and I am getting older, and it looks like I am walking in my place.

I have to stop cursing the game and try to enjoy it using the few cards that I got.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Dark Energy.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Dark Energy.

[Dark Energy]

Hi,
great that you have informed your family this will really help you in your recovery, what really catches me is the debt amount, I have as well mounted a huge amount of debt and paid it all. unfortunately, I have relapsed and mounted debts again not to the same level but still, it is a big amount.
from my experience and what I learned is that don’t rush to pay all your debt, you should pay it slowly

your income should go to
1. part for paying the debt
2. part for saving and this is the most important part you should learn to protect your money from yourself if you paid your debt without learning how to protect your money, then if you relapse you will pile up debt again like what I did.
3. part of it to your life goals, you can’t keep everything on hold until you pay all your debts.

one more point you shouldn’t ask your family to pay your debt because you need to master point number 2 first.

[Dark Energy]

happy for you, keep it up.

[Dark Energy]

today is one the positive days:
1. back to GYM again: it has been 125+ days since the last time I was in GYM, starting over is a step in the correct way.
2. i had an urge to gambling, it came after reviewing my financial condition and as a freshly recovered gambler i am in a deep hole, so the first thought that came to my mind is I have to put a small amount and try to win something to be in a better condition, the same cycle of ill thinking, however I reasoned my way out of this cycle for today glad for that.

[Dark Energy]

thank you Ididit for your kind words, glad to hear from you,
I hope everything is going well.

thanks for the advice I will try therapy and meditation, but to be honest I think I know what needs to be done.
I think it is time to inform someone about my addiction and give him\her financial control.
I have avoided this option for a long time because of the shame and the sadness that will bring to my loved ones but I think I have to do it if I need to stay away from gambling, I can’t do it alone.

now I am thinking in “to whom” and “how-to “?

[Dark Energy]

Day#16,
today is my payday, it went well “so far”, I had a few urges to put some amount to trading but I managed to control them, the road blockers are in place if my willpower let me down as usual.

[Dark Energy]

Day#15
2 weeks passed, the gambling hangover is fading.
back to life to real life again.

[Dark Energy]

Day#11,
things getting better but it is a very slow process.
anyhow better than keep digging.

[Dark Energy]

Day#10
two digits again, a bit motivated today because I see my weight loss plan is working fine and I start to notice the results, anyhow I need to stay on plan for the next 11 weeks to achieve the first goal.
at least something is back to be on track.

[Author]

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