[dadda]

I feel a little better. The realtor came by today; that’s been a hurdle because of all the animals (2 dogs and 3 cats). Since I had come back years ago in the "one down" position, there was a lot I haven’t had much say in. Sort of hurts to realize how much that has been mine by right as well as having earned it has been usurped, but if I CAN get through this (I feel so burnt out and exhausted at *****) things will have to be better.
I already know that "he knows" I CAN make it without him. Since I refused to obey his demand to "get out" when he first filed, I knew he was going to "punish" me. That is something I have learned; he thinks he has some God-given right to do so. Had that ever shown early on, there’d be none of this going on now.
My therapist and people on another support forum have strong feelings (and I agree) that the addiction is complicated by personality disorder issues. I guess my biggest concern is getting money and getting out. I am more or less a hostage in a very rural area and my car is unreliable, which has made it difficult to pursue additional employment. After two years + of having attorney fees of about $450/month, my finances are ravaged. This month and last, I have finally gotten to the point where 3 of my bills are "too hard" to pay. I hoped for a better outcome, such as him paying the judgment he owed, which would have been sufficient for me TO leave. But he has refused and dragged that along, knowing it would cost me in attorney fees while he would feel no additional pain. His pay was recently garnished, but haven’t received any funds there, either.
I had to get a protective order, because of his smashing things, threats and all. I know most of his actions are designed to intimidate me into caving in, but I am actually honestly anxious, as there is obviously no "sense" to his actions, considering that all I asked (having been through all with him before) was 6 months of peace to pay down my debts and save some money to move. He could have had the divorce much sooner and the whole equity, for all I cared. Nothing is worth this destruction.
Since I have been proactive in protecting myself and responding to his wrong actions, I really don’t think the desire he has (to punish me) has gone away. I don’t know whether there is any good reference material to sort of get a feel of how he might try to play against me. But I would like to have some peace; this feeling of being on tenterhooks and always waiting for "something" to happen is very draining. Or maybe I’m over-anxious and shouldn’t be, that exposure will keep some actors at bay, if they care about the exposure possibly limiting their freedom or public image? I’m still sort of lost on all this and trying to fight back or rouse myself from the apathy, shock, being "burnt out" trying and making one step forward and his actions setting me back 3. He doesn’t want me, but he refuses to let me go on, especially with the prospect of being able to have some semblance of a rational life out of here. He honestly would have no problem with me being forced into a shelter or my car, and I want to avoid that. Without his interferences (misusing legal processes and ignoring Court orders), I would have been quite happily gone some time ago. I know he’s been enraged by my actions, but I haven’t done anything immoral, illegal or unethical, knowing that it was in my best interests to try to work amicably but without letting myself be thrown to the street.
I just called a place that helps coordinate community help services; I met with the woman in one of the programs previously and explained how I am overwhelmed; rather than calling around piecemeal for help, hoping she can help me sort out this disaster a bit. But have scheduled an appointment for next week and going to try to make some other contacts.

[dadda]

Hi. I have experienced what you are talking about, definitely. Feels sort of like living in some sort of private ****. I didn’t know, up til the past couple years, the extent of his gambling. I did start to wonder why the money was so short, when we really should have had plenty. Actually, my head is still spinning at *****, because he filed for divorce to marry someone else (who was married also) in order to keep up his pretense that he is wonderful and I am "the failure, the loser, the crazy one". And it’s hurting a lot, because not only has he left the finances a complete shambles, he forced a hostile divorce which has now got me facing bankruptcy, ever in danger of losing my job because my car (195,000 miles +) keeps breaking down and I can’t afford repairs. Been forced to do them myself.
Fifteen years ago, I had a career and things seemed lovely. I couldn’t put my finger on "what it was" but up til the past few years, I have been the "identified patient" and the "identified problem". In fact, I have noticed that the ***** he is hardest to deal with have been when "he" has any reponsibility in a problem, or should I say in solving a problem. I don’t get the "whole thing" but there is this thing where "responsibility" is viewed as blame, "accountability" as control and you, trying to live as an adult, are just a drag, no fun, etc. And from what I understand (and have gone through working through my own problems), part of getting better includes letting loose on some of those wrong attitudes and confronting, then changing them. Though it isn’t quite simple and smooth and often, things are said and done that can be quite hurtful. I don’t have any contact with him anymore, as he refuses to see himself other than as he chooses to, delusionally, but when I was still having contact the last year or so, I was finally able to hear his rantings and such for what they were: nothing but the product of a diseased, distorted mind. I have gone through a lot of personal therapy and that has helped, as my defenses are somewhat stronger and healthier, plus I have changed some of my own behaviors. So most of what he throws at me rolls off. But even so, I have asked myself, if it is/were true (what he is saying or yelling), is he showing ANY love, any forgiveness, any possibility of belief in that there is redemption for me? It was when I started asking myself some of these questions – and I finally said it to him, too – that I realized there was no love being shown me, etc. And I suppose it might be sort of impossible for them to do so, as long as they are in the grip of active addiction. I really like that post (I think Velvet) put up on Addiction; I tried to explain some of that to my husband, at one point. Mostly because I have my own set of "temptations"; gambling is not one of them. But faced with one, I was almost beckoned in by the delusion and lies … and that is all that they are, but by the time (if?) you get to the point of realization, it is also the point where losses and lies and lots of other unsavory things have gotten into life and mind, and it becomes harder and harder "to come clean".
So I would just encourage you to know that some of what is happening is "normal" but if he continues to get treatment/recover, he will change and that sort of thing will not be common. Plus, people who are in recovery do still get angry and say or do things on occasion, but are usually much quicker to catch themselves and correct – apologize sincerely, make amends and work on themselves. It definitely helps to have some support on your own, and if the gambling is known about, it probably is helpful that it can be addressed in your own support. I didn’t know, so I haven’t been in anything that really spoke to that, but I imagine it does help.
I hope the best for you both. It may seem like a long journey, but it will be that regardless :-). I would have been thrilled beyond words if my husband had chosen recovery and us – his family, over deception and living with his enabling, destructive mother these past several years. Eventually, our daughters and I will probably heal. But there will always be a big "hole" where he should have been. I could have handled the pain of recovery, knowing there is another and better end on the other side of the tunnel. But the pain of staying lost and ignorant and going down in flames for no purpose, no I can’t do that anymore. So I hope things go better with the both of you!
 

[dadda]

I keep asking myself how much more I can take. It’s not really like I have a choice, though. If I don’t somehow handle things, I’ll be the one going down in flames. I was reading thourgh things and one of the phrases, how it’s hard to "keep track" because of all that has gone on, struck me.
I feel so tired. An attorney reviewed the divorce decree and pointed out something I wasn’t aware of. Since we have no assets other than the house, and I didn’t ask for as much in personal property, I have to wait til the house sells (and I come after the attorney portions) to be "equalized". This attorney pointed out that if the house "short sells" (for less than sufficient), my "judgment" for property equalization isn’t protected. At all. Meantime, I had found additional evidence of extensive gambling and it tied into previous Court cases (he had filed against me). In other words, when he was supposed to be in COurt, because he was trying to get me limited from our children, he was in a casino, out of state and preventing my exercising "first right of care" for our children. Under false pretenses, as he lost the first suit by default (being in the casino, though then that was not known to me or the Court). Second time, because I spent thousands on legal and he had no case …
So the date of deadline for filing in this most recent divorce, I sat in the Court and wrote up a pro se motion for reconsideration, based upon ***** to the Court and extrinsic *****, as well as some other issues. My attorney stated she would not represent me in anything other than a bankruptcy proceeding. For some reason, she has not signed off (withdrawn) and there has been no action on my filing. It is like it "disappeared". I know that my ex also filed paperwork the same date, and his motion was "dismissed". I can’t think it takes so long to rule something on a motion, so it looks like I will have to find out what is going on. I am going to cry if someone is depriving me, again, of my rights.
I’m also wiped out, emotionally and physically, from everything that has gone on and I am feeling now how "punitive" the decree feels. My husband has been seeking now for me to pay the mortgage and utilities on a place I don’t want to be in but can’t afford to leave, as he has refused to pay the previous judgement. A realtor is coming tomorrow, but there are dog pee stains in the carpet and numerous things that need to be done. Every time we have sold, I have had to do all the work. And again, I have to do all. I know that if I DO leave before the house sells, it is VERY UNLIKELY TO SELL AT ALL as long as he is alive and has something to say about it. If I can’t get some money together, I can’t get out of here. I already applied to a helping fund to try to get some of the needed repairs (that I CAN’T do and I have, by necessity, learned to do a lot) to my car done so I could get another job. My car is not reliable and have almost lost the one job I have left as a result. After going through all the app process, it was turned down – no funds. There are no resources other than "coping".
I am just unsure how long I can last, "coping" while the last few resources I have seem to be dwindling away. I tried to get charges filed in regard to an incident where he came bounding into the house and stood up against my chest, threatening me and that in front of our teen-age daughter. The officer never sent it in for prosecutor review so the last few months, with the statute looming, I tried to get answers. I sent the prosecutor’s office a recording of the incident, but I think the deadline has passed. Turns out the officer’s report doesn’t reflect what happened at all. I was so distraught after husband left that I couldn’t even find my divorce papers and I told him how I’d been threatened, etc. I know that sometimes you can get restitution for criminal things and I have paid a lot, in counseling, including for illnesses I don’t have, as well as legal fees, for his lies that I abuse our children, etc. To have the police of all people, pick and choose and misrepresent is just killing me. I’m crying a lot because every avenue of hope seems to close off; all I am left with is more debt and I had no hope, if I didn’t legally try to protect myself. And even with that, I didn’t have much hope, it seems. I’m still a hostage, unless I want to go live in the street or shelter, and leave what is mine behind.
 

[dadda]

Hi. First, thanks for moving the newer post. I guess it would be nice as a diary entry, from the first to what’s been going on.
Second, I will have to read the reponses again in a bit. I just woke up. My sleep has been messed up from having to stay up all night twice the past week forworking and I have been sort of feverishly trying to get things done as a realtor is cheduled to come by. The Court ordered the house to be sold. I looked around quite a while ago and there are many small repairs and stuff that have needed to be done. Some I know how to or have attempted and others I’ve just hit up against frustration.
Since the Court ordered the sale (which he previously has blocked and fought), there’s a chance I suppose, that I might be able to get some small chunk of money and be able to go. In a somewhat sensible fashion. I hope and I pray so. I will probably post more in  a little  bit, when I can think and type coherently. I just ran across this article http://www.cnsspectrums.com/aspx/articledetail.aspx?articleid=1162 recently and it is so true; I have ended up, with a bit of artful manipulation of facts, to look like the crazy one. Or a nag … not someone who actually is intelligent enough to know that what has been going on CAN’T work. Wasn’t sure where all th emoney was going for the longest time, but basic math and accounting, I am more than capable.
The other things I read recently: a report on Indiana state spending a whopping $36.19 per problem gambler in FY 2009. What a return they are getting on "THEIR" money. In fact, I found out about a savings program that would have matched whatever funds I cold put in with some state and Federal funds, back when I was proactively trying to figure a way out of here. I haven’t had a $100extra to start that; the other day I had to transfer the last $100 (again) to my checking as I was overdrawn and needed gas … leaving me a grand total of $3 in savings. I’m feeling pretty betrayed, since it cost about $8.000 to "protect" me and our children over the last two years …. $450/month OVER my "normal expenses" (and most of those consisting of paying down previous divorce debt, etc). I’ve found some things the attorney COULD HAVE recommended that would have been much more cost effective to me … such as I could have requested to be his representative payee as well as my daughter’s (which was turned down, though I had custody, when he circumvented that and said, he was paying the bills and should have the money.) I guess I should have appealed the Social Security decision, as I trusted the attorney, and don’t know what I have "spent" but over two years later, I have yet to see a dime and it will come slowly, through garnishing his part time wages. The "legal system" doesn’t care and they OBVIOUSLY have NO understanding of FACTS. The state has NOTHING to offer other than "coping". I know how to COPE mostly, it involves distancing oneself from bad or dangerous situations. Not staying in them and performing mental gymnastics with the facts.
But what I read besides was a story I found online, "Cinderblock walls" at  http://www.bookrix.com/library.html?submitted1=1&search=spencer. The character married a man who seemed alright at first. But he soon started putting "condition" on their relationship and soon admitted he had a large gambling debt that pre-dated their marriage. The wife was so hopeful, because he had "come clean" that it took me, as it took  the character, a while to realize the "perfect set-up". The character went to work on paying down the debt, moving back to  the state she’d practiced law in before. She only opted for a gym membership and something else (fairly trivial) besides the rental room she called "home". But eventually, it hit me that this guy wasn’t married; he’d merely found a patsy to provide him with money, giving up her own life and future to fix the problem he’d so "courageously" revealed. I guess it’s shaken me A LOT to know how well-hidden this gambling has been. And to have been negatively subjected to "authorities" who never seem to look at more than one fact at a time. To fit the FACTS into place myself and turn again … and the "authorities" still claim no responsibility and no suggestions. ANd seriously, the thing that bothers ME, THE MOST, id that another truly avoidable tragedy DUE TO out of control gambling WILL BE LOST, covered over in another "no fault divorce". 
I can’t help but think of how much exposure there’s been, inthe past 15 years, to the mental/physical heath systems, legal (police and Court AS WELL AS two involuntary commitments of ME, one with judicial warrant) and so on … and then, the gambling … all activities regulated and permitted, even licensed through the state. However, the state is refusing to acknowledge or even look at the interactions and see how they have contributed to "the state of affairs" today. And their definition of harm: does not include financial devastation? This whole situation is crazy, where before I had almost accepted that it might really be me who was … that is sort of scary, like the story I read (and don’t know how much of that is drawn from truth) … I could be in a "loony bin" or sitting, taking ***** for a condition I don’t have, all because I crossed a pathological gambler whose pathology extends well into personality disorder territory, from what I can tell.
There HAS TO be a means to get the truth "out there" but I have not found it … yet.
 

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