[dadda]

Berber, I just want to say that I like your comment as it echoes many of my own experiences. I went to a group before that seemed to wallow in misery and all the people whose threads I’ve read are certainly not doing that … sometimes I just feel that I have to “keep it all together” and pretend that everything is normal … while I am “freaking out” inside as to where I will find the last few dollars to get the insurance paid (or whatever). The “relief” you mention is something I MISS … I am SO looking forward to someday being able to lay my head on my pillow and just be able to relax and fall to sleep … and rest. Sounds very good; hope I can get involved in that soon.

[dadda]

Hi, all. I don’t even get to get on here very much at all, but I think the chat time sounds EXCELLENT. I belonged to a in-person support group for nurses several years ago and it really helped me to regain a lot of confidence I had lost as well as see and hear others who had progressed past where I was. I also got a chance to meet others, who from the “outside” still seemed (to me) to “have it all together” but whose career had hit the skids for various reasons. And some of these had gone way below, or so it seemed, where I had been/was and still they were getting results and ahead through their efforts … a real hope booster. I hope things calm down so I can make time for this, as well as reading and getting to know some other members better through their posts. There are NO support groups within 100 miles from here, so I have felt very isolated and completely misunderstood, as nobody in ANY profession seems to UNDERSTAND and all I get is (useless and seemingly callous) platitudes or indifference, as if I have brought all this on myself or participated in creating what I didn’t even know about.

[dadda]

Velvet, I just read your last response. Funny, I thought about starting a new thread but decided against it. Partly because, as you said, it brings one the memories of how much has happened/changed and how much one has endured, etc. So I decided to stick with this one.

First off, I am literally so exhausted that many days, I wish I would not wake up anymore. It is three months now since I was evicted with only 40 hours notice and since then … war is hell they say; life should not be … but then, I no longer consider “this” life, only existence and “survival” but for what? More of the same?

After I was thrown out, only some of my things were put into storage (per the order). My car was constantly overheating due to a failing water pump, but I was afraid to change it then (plus didn’t have $$ for new part) because if it was harder than I thought, I would be completely without transportation.

I went down (that house is 40 miles from the reasonably sized city I moved to) and supposedly, a couple in-laws were going to be there so I could get some of my things … they left many (probably most of what was useful/valuable) in the basement. Nobody was there.

So Monday, I went back and the brother agreed to meet and “supervise” although he made me come an hour later than I
wanted to. At noon, he said he was taking a “lunch break”. That lasted until 4pm; I was not able to get anything done during that time … just sit around and cool my heels. So I got a few more hours done, was able to get help from one person bringing things up from the basement for a while (I called many, many churches hoping to find some help). He took off, ostensibly to find out where “the others” were and I never heard from him again.

The next day, I was late getting down there due to overheating problems. I had a couple hours bringing things up from the basement; the previous day I had been allowed to load the truck with whatever I had brought up to the driveway, even after he had left. So I tried to bring up the most valuable things and personal papers,etc. There was a dumpster in the driveway; the day before, I had found many of my personal papers and even new things (mine) trashed in the dumpster. I had retrieved what I could and hoped to check for more after I was done bringing things up.I had also called the police department because I anticipated trouble; the brother had snatched our daughters years before, when they were 5 and 6, precipitating (undiagnosed for 5 years) panic attacks in me and helping his brother (CG) who filed divorce promptly after.

At noon, out of nowhere, the brother ordered me off the property. I did not have the truck, I had parked it at the nearby lot from which I’d rented it as I could not afford to drive it back and forth. I was going to get it after I was done bringing things up … and the brother knew it. He had asked where it was earlier and I’d told him I couldn’t afford mileage charges. He watched me go up and down the stairs hauling my possessions up, knowing I was not going to be “allowed” to take anything that day and would have incurred extra charges for the truck, having kept it the extra day.

We’d been forced to take our cats to a neighbors when I was evicted … one was hit by a car and one we had not been able to find when I had to leave. It was next door at CG and brother’s mother’s house; brother had told me he would get her when I was leaving. I did not get her back, either. It was all lies.

The other brother has a business selling things on-line and I had started selling books on-line when CG had a heart attack about 5 years ago. I had purchased more books with salable valuable since the divorce and had other new items, etc that were stored in the basement. So I am guessing that is where my personal possessions were destined … as more profit and another “take that” to me.

I called the police officer I’d spoken to before and pointed out the order didn’t have a time, etc. He called the brother, then called me back, telling me the brother was “being an a**hole”, “playing games” and he was sorry for what I was going through, but he couldn’t do anything. I went to the Court then (twenty miles) and wrote out a plea and complaint for my possessions and cat. I just learned the other day that the (foreclosure attorney, also representing brother) items were considered “abandoned” by me on motion of brother’s attorney. I can’t think too hard about it all because I will cry.

I haven’t been able to get a job, yet, either between dealing with having things in two storages (plus fees) and having to stay with daughter (which resulted in my sleeping in my car several nights as well) and having her own anxiety issues come to a head several times, revealing her lack of trust in just about everyone (I feel the same sometimes). No credit, no money and no place to move the things in storage.

So I had to collect more cans and stuff to supplement my disability check. Somewhere along the way, I was bitten by a tick and got some sort of infection. I didn’t know there was a tick on me, I started feeling pain on my abdomen one night and thought I had a rash coming on but couldn’t see anything. It hurt the next day and I had a closer look; I saw a round circular red area I took to be a scab and showed it to my daughter. “Mom, that’s not a scab, that’s a tick,” she told me before removing it as well as she could. I went to the urgent care and was given an initial dose of antibiotics and the rest of the mouthpiece was removed. Pretty much the costs negated many of my collected cans; had I not been collecting them, I doubt I’d have gotten the tick.

We received some help to get into the place we have moved to (my younger daughter and me) or I have no idea what we would be doing … it’s cold as heck already and I have been forced to get more cans to come up with my share of the rent.

Last week, I went to use my debit card and it was turned down, even though I had just transferred money. When several more attempts had the same results, I went to the ATM, which said my account was overdrawn about $200. I called the bank and was told my account had been garnished. I have only disability income and that isn’t supposed to happen, except for a very few exceptions which I knew weren’t the case. The bank was closed when I called (on a Friday evening I was hit with all this); I was able to find a branch open on Saturday. The manger was very nice, but told me I need to go get a Court order about my account to give to the legal department.

I can’t even find a case with garnishment (civil collection) on the on-line docket in which I haven’t met with the involved attorney and explained and told them I would get in touch when I have a job. And to get a job … I NEED some peace and sanity. I have to either keep paying on storage or lose what little I have left … and on the one storage, I was not able to pay for November, it is now December and right now, I have only $6 to last me for the next 16 days. $107 is due in about a week for car insurance …

and the day before that, one of my molars broke off, leaving a sharp edge(s) that is gouging my tongue, making it not only difficult to eat, but I have been getting pain on swallowing and near my ear on that side … I have no dental insurance, so I guess I have to wait until it really becomes a medical concern. I used to grind my teeth when I was asleep and this apparently became quite a habit when all this divorce and terrorization started up, years ago. Just another wonderful effect of being the unwitting spouse of CG, I guess. I keep wondering what type of employer will hire me with all the holes in my mouth I am getting … this is the third tooth that has broken partially, it has been “grin and bearit” because I have had no choice.

I still have heard nothing back from Gam-Anon and there is basically no support. Even though I still go to therapy, it feels like an exercise in futility. I haven’t done anything wrong and I can only see that I am being punished and deprived of choices, freedom, possession, peace of mind, health and being forced to pretty much watch as my life is stripped away, while the CG and relatives are rewarded, with my possessions and Court award, as well as unearned automatic equity … and nobody here gives a darn. Occasionally, I’ve thought that MAYBE, just MAYBE, someone would take the injustice seriously and have the power to do something or publicize it. I feel completely invisible and as though really, I don’t “exist” except for the nearly constant (though I am grateful for the periods where it ebbs for a while) pain in my mouth, as well as the pain in my feet from toxic neuropathy, the apparently permanent result of having to take medications I never needed, having been misdiagnosed for years, from the machinations of the CG and his mother, who was quite active in supporting her CG son’s fraud.

I can feel myself going into and out of emotional shock, too. I know that and the fatigue are dangerous, as despite even KNOWING I have to, I’m too exhausted and without hope to even force myself sometimes. I’ve done nothing wrong, and the CG has accomplished his goals, the cruel relatives who’ve helped him in past and currently are profiting from me directly and I don’t even have a say in Court about matters that have basically stripped the last 20 years of effort and accomplishments from me and even worse, destroyed me financially to the point where I end up often having weeks out of the month with no money for gas, minutes for phone service or other necessities.

I guess the worst part though is that I have no idea what God expects me to do with or about the situation. I find myself crying a lot, because there seems to be no answer and no way out … just pain and everyone else having rights … while I am supposed to “accept” and “get on with my life”. My life ended quite a while ago, unfortunately, my physical existence didn’t.

I don’t mean to sound so … whatever. But that is basically what I have been experiencing on the outside … and more lately, on the inside as my last hopes for fairness in the Court (per the law of “equitable settlement” in divorce) have been dashed and even the possessions I earned, or things like the sewing machine I was given as a birthday gift when I was 9 years old, have been taken from me as booty for the greedy … sick … or whatever. At this point, I would just call them evil. THAT is how I feel.

[dadda]

Hi! I want to say hi, because I read through your posts (and responses) the last time I was here and I was brought to mind of a few things by reading what you had to say. And to be honest, at first I “couldn’t relate” or so I thought, until I got to the point where you mentioned (ex) MIL and I have to say, that (your story) has made me remember that I need to be careful, about how I handle comments about the problems we’re going through as a result of PG, but also how I “help” or encourage my daughters to work through some of what has been “visited” on them through no fault of their own, particularly as I am in no position to fix much. I also wanted to let you know I appreciated the link(s) and the Conscious Parenting, too. LOL I think that goes double for the marriage, at least for me!

But I did want to say “hi” and thanks and let you know that your words and struggle have helped me, too and I expect that will translate out at well. SO I am sending you a “hug” and a hope for “peace inside” and also, good reports in health. And this being the hardest part to figure out what to/how to or if I should say at all; I’ll try: I know sometimes we do the right thing or maybe the best thing and yet, we have no guarantee of the results. Sometimes I think the results might not be visible outside a person, especially just depending on when they happen. I know I have had to say “no more” to a person in past, so far I have not had to do that with a child (for other than a short length of time), only other relatives. But I know how painful it is if I try to imagine it or even just the short times that have happened as they are now adult. So my wish and hope and prayer for you is that you do KNOW, whether you see the results, that you made the right and best decision. But, I do hope that you do get to see the results, too.

[dadda]

FIrst, I wanted to say that when I was on here last time, I read through San’s posts. I was going to say something, but sometimes I start freezing up even after I’ve written something out. And at first I felt like maybe there were a lot of differences, but as I read on in her posts, I saw where there were some areas where I could really relate and also learn from her. I liked, especially, what I read on the Conscious parenting, LOL. I wanted so much to be a good wife and mom and one of my first pictures with my oldest daughters is my giving her a “sponge bath”, with my reference book propped up by my side to make sure I was doing it right! But U have saved the links ’cause I want to learn more; I have learned some about the links between certain personality disorders and PG, or other often related pathogy. I’ve also been surprised to learn that many have PTSD; I had read that many members of the U.S. military were getting dishonorable discharges when their (misdiagnosed as something else first) PTSD showed up as “troublesome behavior”.

I guess the first thing that REALLY made me feel more in tune with San was when she wrote about her mother-in-law (ex, I think). I can remember with mine, being literally screamed at once and accused of trying to seduce HER husband. All that came about as a result of my getting a phone call from the hospital where he’d been admitted, the staff asked if I would come in and sit with him as he was agitated. I “forgot” to get permission from MIL FIRST … as I was apparently skulking around, just waiting for opportunity. I can remember that was one of those times (as I recognize now) I went into emotional shock. NOBODY had ever treated me like that before and made such baseless accusations, besides. I never got an apology, ex never stood up against his mother’s behavior, either. And though that is one of the most memorable events (as I do recognize she must have totally lost control of herself … or maybe not), there were others and as I learned, a lot of problem people like to hide in the shadows; they will never perform like that in public. I also heard plenty on the perfections (?) of her son … more or less though, I heard so much on how “he couldn’t handle the stress” … I actually believe that, now … but I attribute it more to his being babied and never encouraged to “be a man”.

Over the years, I came to realize that he put on a show for his parents, so that the conditional love tied to inheritance would be his. More sadly, though, I realized that since he was not encouraged to be genuine, he was almost always putting on a show – for me, for our children, for the police and mental health providers. I went into therapy, wondering why I could “be so blessed” but also so tired and not “satisfied”. Well, I did realize shortly into therapy (within a year) that I was EXPECTED to shoulder my responsibilities, whatever he “couldn’t” handle and accomodate others (what they couldn’t handle) and there was no encouragement to me, there was no realization that I am a human, with finite strengths and a NEED to be able to relax, express and grow.

I can remember before things got bad that I started looking at us, as a couple, and feeling like I was married to Peter Pan … and that we were nothing more than a couple of over-age adolescents, playing at marriage within the parameters ALLOWED by his parents. At one point, his mother told me directly that I was EXPECTED to “support” her son until his death … apparently, I made some pact that I was not given to read or agree to, it was going to be demanded of me.

I don’t have a lot of time to do so, but once in a while, I wonder what mental gymnastics are required to absolve her son of responsibility … he ran away, he had an affair, he refused to do the right thing by our children and me. Likely, it’s not much. When the house was sold recently in what is (obvious to me) fraud, the cousins of my daughters told them, via FB, that if they claimed to have “lost something” etc, they were going to be put in the same “book” as their mother (me). I’m a POS because I refused to go along with the family script … and the worst part (this time) is that I couldn’t leave and wasn’t even allowed to, until it’s to the point where “the judge kicks me out with nothing”.

I have a hard time seeing PG as “illness” because of the fact that I have been so terrorized and even broken down, and been forced to watch my daughters go through similar. I even learned, over time, that my presence and availability as “whipping boy” saved the children from being exposed so much, so it was a strong motivator to my returning. I would never have left, had I known that he had a major problem and I knew (after getting better and realizing I never WAS crazy, just wounded) that as an adult, I was likely to be be much better equipped to handle all this.

I appreciated San’s writing too because KNOWING what my daughters have been through and what we are all trying to get through … and so unfair, so wrong … it would be easy for me, even unwittingly, to go the wrong way and over-baby or overcompensate for what has happened. Like with my daughter not being able to pay all her rent; her father scared her out of the house last summer to further his own schemes. Having myself gone through a breakdown and knowing some of the (hidden) tactics, I can’t blame her … any more than be surprised that my reassurances from the sheriff’s department didn’t soothe my oldest … she packed up her car and left for 14 hours, just in case the police came … and this due to her uncle buying the house? How many young adult ladies go through such? I’ve helped to make sure she doesn’t end on the street; she is a student and so works part time, gets some aid but the situation has forced her to also take on loans JUST to pay living expenses. And as it was, she could have remained this past year … but I am sure that had to do with his keeping out of trouble in Court, as how could I pay all the rest of the expenses for her to live while her father refused ONE: the roof overhead. I’ve told her that while she is in school, she may live with me; I won’t expect a half contribution, but some as is appropriate. And I have told her that she can choose to remain on her own/have roommate, but is unlikely I will be able to give much more help, as I have all financial woes to figure out, too.

So still learning and still trying to keep in mind what is important to remember. I’m hated because I was willing to support and encourage recovery, but NOT be enabler … I know that would have killed me, literally or figuratively, in the end. I also haven’t been willing to put on a happy face to the world and pretend … all is hunky dory.

I have to go back to Court Friday … twice. One for a credit card bill I have no way to pay (over a year, now) and though I went to Consumer Credit Counselors and also tried explaining and trying to get creditors understanding, I had to give up because the late charges and interest, plus getting more expenses dumped while all Court orders for payment violated … and then go back in the afternoon regarding the eviction. Trying to muddle through this, when there is VERY little understanding on the part of people in the system. I did learn New York has one gambling Court, however. And found a whole list of people who study PG, so maybe some additional resources etc to be found. Very painful to see the relatives of the PG gang up and give us the consequences we didn’t earn, though.

BUT, I finally received an e-mail from the assistant to my state legislative representative, who finally acknowledges I have a “very unique” problem. I’ve been persistent, having figured out my major problem in seeing the divorce settlement orders carried out, has been that I have had NO standing. I’m not a “former owner” b/c of the quit claim, so I was refused a meeting in the foreclosure, which ex NEVER responded ONCE to … as I realized after the stress of that Court action was through … and despite his numerous filings and attorney letters … he wanted the house he wanted to KEEP the house. He could pay for the house, on and on. Plus, I realized that it must be pretty unusual for someone to rent a PO Box and not change their address, if they think they are NEVER returning there …

And finally, I’ve come to realize, as I was looking at mortgage papers recently (I made a $10k payment to the mortgage AFTER the quit claim AND there is a copy of the check and receipt in our previous divorce file), he may have his name on all, but I am the only one who has paid it down … he has used it as a piggy bank … that really should give me some standing, as the same loan officer, in a small company, has dealt with all … I asked him for a letter after the divorce was filed, because it was represented to him AND me that we were doing this together, but went with just one name on the mortgage because the interest rate was better. SUPPOSEDLY, we were going to change the deed. The loan officer refused …

At least someone “official” finally admits that yes, I am “up against the wall”. Yay!! I’m so glad Jennie (I hope I am remembering right – yay! I was) that you encouraged me NOT to give up. This has been so hard; one thing that keeps me going is that (faith, please no offense meant to any) I figure I can’t be the only one going through similar … and God is allowing it for a purpose … and my intelligence and sometimes articulate statement and writing might be a reason … to be able to bring a little more out, or at least to someone with the influence/power and character to realize how wrong, that family members can be destroyed, so to speak, and sometimes only because they had no reasons to mistrust or suspect, particularly as the plethora of gambling opportunities has exploded over the past two decades or so … while the knowledge and research has not only lagged, but remained almost as well hidden as the problem.

So thank you all for your continued and past encouragement. Still very tired and anxious, but knowing there are better days.

And I may not comment, or too much, on others’ posts for now, but I decided I will read at least one through each time so I can at least know who is who and “what is what” to an extent.

And if anyone had the fortitude to make it through all I wrote, can I just ask whether people ever start a new personal thread, like if there is a major change? Or just go through on the same one? I am not sure on that, and it may be written somewhere, if so please forgive as I normally haven’t had time or energy to do all that needs done on the normal stuff- yikes! Hugs to all and a wish for peace inside!

[dadda]

HI! I see it has been a while since I have been here. I have been (as usual) dealing with more than one person can … and I am tired, but considering the circumstances, I have been realizing that I am more deserving of maybe a medal? definitely at least, some extra credit!

The house went through foreclosure and wasn’t even on the market the last six months (at least) per the divorce decree. ANd of course, he has quit paying his judgment for the child support money he was ordered to return in 2011.

I tried to respond in the foreclosure and was actually granted a settlement conference; I was planning to go in and ask the Court to oversee the sale of the house and definitely, change of realtor, as he had signed a one year agreement (nobody does that if they mean to sell the property!) But my conference was vacated at the request of the banks’s attorney.

My ex brother-in-law bought it at sheriff sale. He paid $57k on a $91k judgment; the house was appraised at $146k shortly before the hearing in 2012. WHAT A STEAL.

So today I had to go to Court as I am being evicted. It has been harrowing, because there is plenty of information geared toward former owners and tenants, but not “ex-spouses left in the lurch”. However, I did not receive the summons and only knew about it by knowing the people I’ve been forced to deal with and checking on-line. So the matter was postponed, as I am supposed to have sufficient time between service and appearance.

The brother in law (BIL) stated that he and his siblings were determined the house not pass out of the family (actually, the acre of land it sits on). I learned he has a real estate license, though expired. So he knows how things work … and fact is, they could have made a good sales offer anytime while the house was under contract or even after, before the foreclosure judgment came through. It now “makes sense” that ex did not respond AT ALL to the foreclosure, despite filing numerous (at least 7 times) motions and etc indicating he wanted to keep the house, wanted possession, was having “no trouble” making payments … etc. All premeditated and of course, now the access to even MORE MONEY GUARANTEED, as they paid cash for a property worth about $89k more …

On a related note, I was looking over the mortgages, as we bought the house together in 1998. There was an initial mortgage of $95k, for 20 years. When it was refinanced a year before he filed (and yes, he took money out then), the new 30 year mortgage was for $91k.

BUT, after I was forced to quit claim it to him a year after our first divorce (and none of the $6k I received coming out of the house), I went back and made a $10k principal payment on the note …
… if you “back that out”, the house was actually and truly mortgaged for more in 2009 than it was initially, meaning I AM the only person who truly has paid it down (at all) and it has merely been a piggy bank for him. I did a full amortization and the note should be around $17k …

Really surprised attorney didn’t catch this … or a lot else, but I have been learning there is not a lot of knowledge out there, on the matter. I searched the American Bar Association site and did not find much about gambling, at all, much less protecting clients from PG.

I’ve been really frustrated with lawmakers here in my state, but I am getting onto a nearly “first name” basis now. I contacted both the senate and house office for my district today before Court and was explaining how I have no “standing” in the eviction matter, nor did I in the foreclosure, etc. I was told by both assistants, whom I have spoken with before, that they have never heard of/dealt with “such” as the situation I’ve been forced to cope with. Whew! Some validation … and appreciate the encouragement not to give up! 🙂
I have a million things to pack and only a tentative rental approval so am going to go for now but hoping to not stay a stranger as much! My oldest daughter moved out Saturday. Of course that has been bittersweet, but when I think of alternatives, and KNOW, with no room for doubts, that they and I have been no more than extra “piggy banks” I guess the damages I have suffered worth the short term (I hope) problems. And though there is a LONG way to go, apparently, before the state acknowledges that not all gambling related damages can be “fixed” (especially for family members) through bankruptcy and therapy … I’m appalled at the fact that our 21 year old has credit ruined and no real recourse, while all the “more mature adults” who even tried to destroy my bond with her and her sister … left her “as is” while profiting mightily and continuing to enable their father’s acts of destruction. If I didn’t go through this, I highly doubt I would have believed it possible.

S o looking forward to resting my head on a pillow … soon and not waking up to a nightmare and adrenalin coursing through my veins, first thing.

[dadda]

Hi, Monique! Yes, dreams interest me a lot. I was having lots of nightmares back in 1998, when problems really developed. I kept a dream diary for a few years. I’ve also had many over these past several years that are themed around him “tricking me” or trying to kill me.

I’ve read the theory that everyone in the dream may represent the dreamer, but sometimes I do think that there can be warnings and such from the part of us (intuition) that hasn’t been completely quashed by the “training” we receive in school and the like. I read “The Gift of Fear” back then, too, and it talked about how we ignore (often) subtle cues that otherwise would be very informative to us.

I actually had a dream before we EVER went out. In the dream, he knocked at the door to pick me up, but his eyes were this really weird shade of pink-red. Sort of like how they get from crying, but not quite. I never had such a dream before dating someone … and that was “about it” or all I remember … just like there was something there, trying to warn me but the choice was mine. I received the (strong) impression that either he would hurt me very badly, or I him.

So now, I do pay attention to dreams where someone is trying to kill/do me harm. I’ve come to realize it might be metaphorical, in that they are not literally trying to kill me, but killing a part of me … and that is likely not in my best interest!

LOL I fell asleep on the stool the other day … have been so exhausted and all I remember was trying to keep my head above water. I woke back up within a few minutes; most of the night dreams I don’t remember lately (again).

[dadda]

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and realized that I had just woken up for the first time in I can’t remember how long … from a dream that actually was not a nightmare. The CG ex was somewhere around, but I was in a room with a group of people. All of a sudden, I realized I had a new husband. He realized I had been through a rough time and was not trying to push himself or anything “onto” me. Normally, I don’t know if I would like that, but I appreciated it and went to sit with him and was demonstrating my affection with physical gestures such as hand holding.

I like dreams and used to keep a dream diary. I have no idea where this one came from … but I am glad to have FINALLY woken up and not from a nightmare … it has been a very long time. Most days I would wake up exhausted; my daughter had heard me tossing and turning and talking in my sleep (and I have observed that with her) and finally, I’d realized I wasn’t getting much restful and restorative sleep. I’d been bearing with it patiently for some time. From my dream journal in past, I found that there was a lot of repetition of symbols. I often dreamed of tornados, for example and going back to my childhood home to try to find something or having the feeling something had been left behind.

I find it useful, because in waking life, “coping” sometimes requires the use of some deceptions (although that might be better termed projection or suppression; various defense mechanisms) and though the strategy might be conscious and somewhat healthy, I think it also prevents the mind from using all information it might constructively.

So I am sort of interested in this dream, due to the symbolism and the sorts of messages I got from it. It certainly wasn’t anyone I recognize from “real life” and I haven’t had the luxury or desire to even think of a new relationship.

I know since he filed for divorce, I would often dream of him and often, it involved maleovalent intentions toward me. Several years ago, I learned that he held grudges for well over a decade about some argument we’d had that I certainly couldn’t remember (and not that he would ever tell me specifically, the details). These grudges would be resurrected and used as justification whenever he went on a “punishment” rampage. I remember him telling me once, in reference to things that resulted from his actions: “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Never any actual personal accountability for those actions, however. I think that was the major difference in this dream: the man representing husband did not have to be fended off or “have it explained”. He was sensitive or perceptive enough to “know” and caring enough; he had empathy … and what is that saying? “True love waits” … and a whole lot more.

[dadda]

Some of the things I hate most about the situation … but especially today … is how all the “out of my control” events do take emotional toll. Even though I can “logic it out” and know that “feelings aren’t reality”, one of the things I have learned via my own therapy (as I have a strong tendency to intellectualize) is that, optimally, feelings and thinking should sort of walk “hand in hand”. And of course, when a person has choices and can make decisions regarding their life, that is a more likely outcome. Today has been one of those days where I just don’t “feel” up to snuff, and that has robbed me of energy. Plus, of course, having been dragged through the Court system yet again … finally coming to the (quite novel) realization that I have NEVER, EVER had “insurmountable” problems in life, outside the “system”.

I know that the responses (all of) you have provided are spot on … and have been a source of frustration to me in the past. There are things I dislike doing myself … and yes, at times, I have been guilty of transgressing … failing to call someone I ought to have or … whatever. The things I don’t like to do I now try to get over with first, so those are not “staring me in the face” all the day. And for me, that works.

I was doing some reading in general earlier about domestic violence, intimate partner violence and the like. Here in the U.S., despite all the lip service, the Supreme Court has already made it clear through rulings that we have no right to expect the police to provide relief or help if someone is hurting us, or if they are hurting our children. I’ve done much reading and research and I’m not sure if it helps … sometimes. But for me, truth is more comforting than the unknown and definitely better than lies. I hate all the PR about “there is help” … that is not my experience. Sure, there is help if you don’t mind giving up everything you have worked for and earned … and including, too often, your children.

Only in terms of marriage (or similar relationship) is there the expectation that the one bullied gives up to the bully and lets them have their way.

I guess I am wondering if there are countries where problems related to legalized gambling are “reportable” … where they are actually taken seriously. I’ve had a hard time locating good information on that. I just found out this last week that our state is (again) “studying gambling” as revenues are down, mostly due to increased competition, as it stated in the press.

The whole concept hit me the other day that the state too is acting just like a CG … ignoring the pleas and needs of the citizens it SUPPOSEDLY represents and governs on behalf of. Yet fawning and trying to come up with new ways to hit that “high” they achieved a while back, when the coffers were flowing and everyone was feeling good. It sure seems they should be studying … or at least be willing to pay attention to the concerns of those adversely affected.

I dread having the house sale and eviction looming … on paper, I have been made to look completely irresponsible. I have no idea how to “explain” what’s happened without sticky explanations and putting it all under the umbrella of “divorce, you know” when in reality, THAT is not the case at all. Lots of people go through divorce without destroying everything and everyone in their path.

And of course, there is the matter of my daughter’s credit. Eventually, she will be subjected to garnishments, making her own affairs more difficult to manage. It just makes me angry that by doing absolutely nothing (but at the same time, disobeying the Court), life can be made quite hectic and full of crises, until it is hard to even remember or prioritize what remains to be done. Sorry to sound so negative, although in circumstances, it may be normal I really hate feeling as I do today!

[dadda]

Jenny, your words are an encouragement. I have felt “blown off and buried” for some time now. It has sort of “blown my mind” that even trying to contact someone in the media (and I have made many attempts, government , media, advocacy) … this is such a “crazy” situation, I was SURE there would be response, help, concern.

A few things have struck me, having too much time on my hands to think.

1) I’m not a criminal nor have I committed a tort. Yet, thanks to divorce (regulated by law) I have been a “legally regulated hostage” for the past sixteen years. In fact, had I committed a crime, I would likely not face as serious/cruel penalties as I have had to endure for the mere fact that I was married and a parent, who cares about her children. There is something wrong with that.

2) Since the house (the source of my now non-existent settlement) has gone through foreclosure, I have come to realize the banks are assured of a nice, stream-lined procedure to have their orders carried out and their judgment obtained. Divorce, also a civil filing and with civil orders, is not something where there is ANY procedure to get things carried out, especially if one person balks or intentionally trieds to thwart the decree. I’m “stuck and screwed” because it is almost necessary to have the paperwork done with style taking precedence over the substance.

3) I recently read an article that stated gambling is Indiana’s 3rd largest source of income. That right there tells me why CG is not receiving attention and families are merely being shunted into therapy and bankruptcy. Businesses and etc have mechanisms to get funds back and it is considered “crime” in those cases where money is taken that does not belong to the gambler.

4) I have learned that casinos make a pretty good deal on CG. When they “extend credit” and the gambler does not/cannot make good, casinos can sue for treble damamges. And they WILL WIN. I’m wondering how much “community property” gets sucked away there …

And by the same token, “exclusion” is not legally enforceable against casinos … although I have read that is may be used as “trump” when a “self-excluded” CG actually wins …

The excuse that casino workers “can’t tell” when a player is inebriated … neither can the police, sometimes. That’s what breathalyzers are for … I cannot believe the very weak arguments and “lack of” viable solutions that are used to justify ripping people off. However you want to characterize CG, NOBODY “in their right mind” throws their life away on a chance stacked against them. That much I am certain of. In fact, I am certain that the lax attitude and regulations are part of the reason that the recovery rate IS so low. Although gambling is not “my temptation” I have my own and I know how my own mind goes through the contortions when it knows better but still wants to “indulge”.

5) A while back, a little boy was sucked under the sand at Indiana Dunes. He was rescued and the area was shut down. ITt was gone over with special machinery before being reopened. Why? Liability. There are mechanisms for reporting problems with roads and all sorts of things the state is responsible for. However, even though the state permits, regulates and oversees gambling, they seem not to have made any process available to report problems. Since my daughters and I have been exposed to things that could have caused serious injury/death (and actually have, as PTSD is a serious injury), that seems to be negligence on part of the state. Whether deliberate or no … but it must be, here, as I have experienced what I have.

Those are just a few of my observations … I would be fine with anyone who wants to or knows more to refine or expand or comment.

I was appalled at the last telephone communication with a state legislative aide; I was told that my representative can only help with problems with state agencies. WHAT? These are the people proposing, wording and enacting the laws I am supposed to abide by. They should indeed be willing to look into the unintended (negative) consequences of their legislation … as willing as they are to have another summer study of the casino revenue drop “problem”.

I apparently walked into no-man’s land inadvertently … don’t know if my input, especially on this subject, will ever see the light of day … but it is a breath of fresh air, in general , to hear “don’t give up” and hear from someone who’s had some success!

[dadda]

I am very glad that you shared your story. What you said about your parents divorcing and you “becoming enabler” til you were 30 (on a reply in another post) strikes a chord in me. The easiest (and financially, best) solution when he filed for divorce (oldest 18, youngest 16) would have been for me to GET OUT. However, my daughters had watched me be steamrollered through their lives. I’d often, even after returning, had to stand between him and a daughter when things grew heated. What I saw was that it was extremely likely that he would “choose” one or the other to help support him, do the chores and so on. This staying and standing tough has destroyed me financially for the time, but it has at least enabled my daughters to see reality more clearly.

My oldest daughter has signed a lease (a year ago) that begins in August and will put distance between her father and her. My hope was to get both daughters OUT and away from both of us, so they could see things and think without mainpulation, bias or ANYTHING coming from either of us (and they will be). People have told me I should just leave and leave them to “figure it out”. I was in my forties before I figured it out! I also didn’t grow up with this as my “oxygen” and normal environment; in fact that is part of what “saved” me. Finally realizing I’d never experienced CRUELTY, especially prolonged. Sometimes I have sort of doubted whether I made the right choice, but your story confirms what I feared. I’ll gladly take the loss if it helps them to recover themselves and live happier, healthier and more satisfying lives in the long run. Thank you!

[dadda]

I want to say hi; I came on here a while back and posted again last night. I’m glad that you are at least seeing the reality; as you said, you are young. I didn’t know ex was CG until after he filed this last divorce (we have had three divorce actions and two completed divorces). I don’t have a great level of expertise, other than experience and have done a lot of research through reputable articles. I would like to add this excerpt from one for you to consider:

“Children of the pathological gambler are probably the most victimized by the illness. Usually underage, emotionally and financially dependent upon the gambler during the worst of the illness, it is the children who are the most helpless. They hear the arguments, recriminations, apologies, broken promises, insults, lies, and fights. They hear their mother arguing with their father about not having money for food, clothes, or school items for the children… The children of pathological gamblers, growing up in an atmosphere of emotional deprivation, isolation, parental abuse, rejection, poor role modeling, and emphasis on money, are very likely to have equally problem-ridden lives.”

this is from The Effect of Pathological Gambling on Families, Marriages, and Children. The rest of the article is at:

http://www.cnsspectrums.com/aspx/articledetail.aspx?articleid=1162

When I met ex, he had full time job and I thought he was reponsible and held many of the same values I did. I was older when I met him (25) and so I thought that was good. Before we married, he lost his eyesight due to diabetes. He still had limited vision, but the blindness was temporary. However, we moved 2000 miles to be close to his parents, for “support”, supposedly. I now question whether they knew more than they let on.

He didn’t work for about the next 8 years, while I went to nursing school 40 miles away for a year and worked FT weekends 30 miles away. By that time, we had two small daughters … my youngest was 5 months old when I went to school.

I was always “overly” responsible I guess but the next few years started wearing me down. Especially because I wanted to further my education and career. We lived almost 20 miles from anything resembling civilization. I started getting physically sick pretty frequently; he said something about us never being able to move while his parents were still alive because he “couldn’t break a promise to them”. I guess that hit hard, because it told me that I was “stuck” and that our marriage was a lot less important than “pleasing his parents” (from whom he expected inheritance).

I’m not in your situation, so I don’t know how to advise you other than to say that it seems like a good idea to stash some money where it will be safe in case of emergency or you have to leave … or decide that is best. I think it is a very good idea to get as much support as you can and work on building up your self esteem/concept. I didn’t realize how much mine had suffered, over the years. And of course, getting reliable information.

I don’t want to sound “scary” or anything, either, but everyone says they get worse with age. I sometimes wonder if that is also a function of their choice to do what they know is “wrong”, or if they have some other stuff going on. He filed for the divorce, but refused to allow me just 5 or 6 months to get my finances in better shape and make some plans.

Since I did not “obey him” pack my things and go when he demanded, I have been subjected to deliberate and maliciously being bankrupted and deprived of any settlement. Our 20 year old daughter’s credit is destroyed too, even though the bills are hers “legally” they are medical/educational expenses from high school. When our children were small, he told our oldest (6 at that time) that he needed her to tell him “the color of the stop lights”. She was terrified that something would happen to him if she didn’t “do her job”. Both girls were told I was going to kill them, that I had deserted them, on and on. I don’t know if my experiences are “typical” but I’m horrified that any “parent” would do these things and I am also horrified that the governments permitting gambing refuse to listen to the realities of CG.

One daughter sees him something like I do: the person we thought we knew is gone. There is a monster just inhabiting the body that looks like his, or something along those lines.

I offered to see him through and even though a lot had happened that has hurt me and our children, I told him I didn’t need the details, most of that was between him and God. And that God didn’t bring us through so much to drop us off a cliff. Didnt matter. He went off with the other woman (wallet, is how I see it now). Precious little I could do, since his mother and that woman and his buddies were all enabling and cheering him on.

Like I said, maybe what I have gone through is not “typical”; I don’t know. But I would hate to see someone else go through it or anything close, and I still find it is hard to get good information. But as said earlier, sometimes the best thing is to “do nothing” although that is not exactly what you are doing (I believe). No matter what you decide, it all has implications and is serious. And probably in many cases there is some time to get good information and set some plans into motion, whatever your decision.

My children “thought” they had a father. Now they don’t, though he still expects them to be there for “holidays” and give him a ride when he needs it. It’s been sort of a double whammy, because they have been coming to realize that the father they “thought” they had was nothing more than an act.

One last thought: when we were divorced, i was doing well again within a few years. I was a lot happier and also discovered I’d never been “mentally ill” as had been claimed. Traumatized and injured, yes. But I recovered. I’ve seen our children bounce back a lot, once they could be themselves in reality too. And when he ran off for the weekend, right before he filed divorce again, I was actually overjoyed to learn he was having an affair. Sounds strange, maybe, but I had been feeling “down” and couldn’t figure it out. It all fell into place … and I only wonder how many people get misdiagnosed with a mental illness when there is really nothing wrong … with them!

I hope things get better for both of us; hopefully your BF will have the courage to face himself. Seems rather rare, but happens, so I hope that is the case for you. Either way, you CAN get through!

[dadda]

Jenny, it helps to just be acknowledged. I have reached out for help and I know that if I found the right person, with some authority and character, things might be a lot different. It hurts to be blown off by the people who “care” about all kinds of things … yeah, right. Til you actually call them on it and find out how much they care. I’ve been collecting cans. Sometimes people ask me why and stuff. I tell them … some try to give me money. I tell them no (although two basically forced it on me). It’s not about money, especially getting other people’s … it’s about having some power in my own life. Making a little progress or at least not falling further behind. I’ve told a couple people “thank you for treating me like a human being” because when I go out and am sticking my hand in garbage cans etc I look like a bum … and may be one before long. I’m not being treated as a human, or “worthy” by those who claim higher vision or authority. It hurts, makes me angry, but what can I do about it? NOTHING.

Twilight, I read your posting about your father. I guess that is what HURTS. I know this is their father … I cannot stand by and allow them (our daughters) to be hurt more by his games. It is VERY difficult to know what and when to say.

Plus, they grew up being told I was crazy, I deserted them, I was going to kill them, etc etc. I still get the backlash for that. And I do understand that it doesn’t matter what truth was or is … that was their experience and it was painful. They believed it. Finding out, too, that the parent who they trusted and thought … well that also has knocked heads for a loop.

I am the spouse and in some ways, it is easier to disengage (from him) I think. But I know the hopeful feelings I had … that I would say the “right thing” and the light bulb would go off.

I took on most of the blame, too, in past. I had even forgotten that I divorced him ONLY because he brought home filled out papers and was threatening to have me committed involuntarily. Since he did so successfully in past, I was terrified. I also was half convinced maybe I was crazy … and I thought if that was the case, I was doing the best by my daughters not to expose them.

It’s very bitter to learn that I NEVER had a “mental illness” though I suffered severe psychological injuries due to the cruelty I was put through … all for control over money.

I’m also bitter to have asked for help from the DV people. The attorney at the state agency was going to call me, so she said … she didn’t. On the same day I visisted their site and see that in August, they are hosting a fund raiser called “A Night at the Casino”. It is bitter because they would never, for example, host “Shooting Night at the Range” or the like.

I guess I will get through this; I really don’t have any choice in the matter. The worst part, I guess is that the Court system is so screwed up, too. I would not have gotten the attorney had not his acted unethically in past. It makes me want to go to town and hold up a sign. Maybe I will.

It hurt to have gone through everything I now know I was put through … tell him maybe it all happened so that I could be encouragement and support to him. Have it all thrown back in my face and not only be back stabbed again, but watch him do it to our daughters, who basically supported him and his habits with payments meant for them of $1000/month +. But once they were no worth $$ anymore, see them thrown aside too. Only to learn that this has all been intentional … crazy … unjust.

Last year, he even, for God knows what reason, added himself back to our auto policy, which came out of my account. He had a car that he scrapped before all the payments came out. I couldn’t do a thing … lost the pay in full discount and of course, it otherwise wreaked havoc on already precarious finances.

I guess two questions come to mind: how does one explain the destruction to their life, particularly in a 20 year old’s case? I know as time wears on it will be less important, especially if no more destruction. But even my student loans are behind … I gave up trying to negotiate with creditors. There is no point of telling them that non-payment is due to forces beyond my control … or that someone is intentionally doing this … to me or her. And have you found any helpful methods of dealing with the anger that is the result of trusting that “help” is there only to find out most of (not all) the “helping agencies” are more concerned for themselves than the people they claim to represent? All I ever wanted was for the destruction to stop, not money. But I can’t get beyond as long as it is continuing.

Thank you.

[dadda]

I just found some information that has helped to put my mind at ease … a little bit. Apparently, I can appeal, even if he "wins" and that could give me additional time to work on leaving in a rational fashion, or trying to get this house sold. Or maybe getting a bit more useful information from the Legal Aid resources.
How I merely wish for some "solid ground" under my feet! This anxiety is making things worse than anything, other than what he is doing
If anyone has any links or ideas … how to view his behavior and how to respond (best) I think that would help. Pretty much, I have avoided contact with him. I have learned there is absolutely NO point in discussing things with him … as I mentioned, the only way to "get along" is to give in. I’ve also learned that "trying" to communicate when there is no chance of "healthy" communication occurring merely ends up dragging me down … as the only option is to resort to unhealthy.
When I have had to communicate with him (as when he bounded in the other week) I try to remain calm, factual …. he demanded I get out; I asked if he has a Court order. Then, when he and our daughter were yelling at each other, I tried to calm her instead of addressing her … but he was getting "in her face" and saying none of us have "the right to be in his house". I KNOW our daughters’ benefits financed the bills … while he played with money, for years … trips, gambling, cars … so I did mention that. Don’t know if that is a good or bad idea  … guessing it probably depends on what their (underlying) problems are.
And I just want to say how much I appreciate all of you … I haven’t been on here for quite some time; but just to have posted and several replies … I really don’t have words. I’ve been spending some time contacting people in the gov’t, even reporters, cause it is also crazy that the gov’t permits, regulates and supposely, oversees gambling operations … and of course, they bust the "illegal" ones … it really makes me angry that, learning how much damage has been done to me … and our daughters … and the only "resource" for family members being … therapy … at our own expense … that just burns me up. And I know, I think Velvet, you told me something about not spinning my wheels on that sort of thing. I’ve just been saving all the info … who replies, who doesn’t … how they reply … maybe at some point, I can use the info or pass it on to someone who can do some good with it. I hope so!

[dadda]

Thank you all for your replies. It does help somewhat to know that others have come through "to the other side". I know some of my anxiety stems from past experiences … with the Court and all other systems. Now, I know some of it is from having more understanding of what is going on and what has gone on … and the fact that "professionals" never caught on/catch on.
LOL the US Court system is pretty screwed up, particularly Family Court. I thought I was "the only one" but since the internet came alive … well, basically, I’m scared to some extent because it doesn’t always seem to matter what the facts OR the law is.
Every time I thought I might get ahead a little, he does something … like dumping the utilities, adding himself back to the insurance … or my car has broken down. My phone broke a couple of months ago, THAT was when I got a job call … but it was too late once I got the message.
So I have no money saved … and bankruptcy … even if I wanted to, I can’t afford to file. I asked around … because he blatantly told me he was going to bankrupt me … apparently, it is "totally legal". So my credit is destroyed …
I’m intelligent and have had numerous career oriented positions in past … but am stuck in the middle of nowhere. Every time I think of having to start again, from scratch and with nothing, it just makes me want to cry. If I could only have gotten out of here, two years ago … my attorney said, "trust me" and I did, though I asked questions and tried to limit costs. The attorney bailed out after the hearing, refusing even to clarify matters in the decree, so I wouldn’t be going through this now.
I was hoping to change realtors, as I had gotten no feedback from his (we are to sell the house, using a "mutually agreeable realtor") and we have had only 4 showings, now. Normal people sign a selling contract for three months, to keep realtor on their toes/motivated. He signed one for a yar. I’m "not allowed" to see the contract, per the realtor, but about two weeks ago I spoke with him (he did not answer e-mails) and he reiterated that the house is to be sold at the top of the appraisal … "because the judge said so".
I’m not sure whether to go to the Divorce Court AND Small Claims, file a Motion for Dismissal, based on jurisdiction … or go  and try to show the judge that he is trying to circumvent the Divorce Court’s authority, by showing he has twice filed to have me "evicted" and had that turned down. He is basing all this on some "agreement" he claims was reached the day the divorce was finalized. I’m not really expecting answers, so much on the legal issues … although it burns me up that I am bankrupted ONLY from having to protect myself against this lunacy that should not even be.
Right now, my daughter’s car is broken down, so we’ve been playing hob to get to classes and work, for her and work, for me, timely and all. I put 100 extra miles on, Friday … that gets expensive, too … but I can’t afford to pay for repairs, nor can she, yet …
I guess I am not understanding the COMPLETE hostility and animosity he is and has been displaying. I know, from past experience that the only way to "get along" with him is to give him his way … he truly believes he has the RIGHT to "punish" me if I do not yield … and this time, I refused to back down as I was reamed in the previous divorce and thereafter. I’ve come to the conclusion, not too long ago and having examined more Court records of various cases we’ve had, that he actually wanted me to come back because he read the parenting report done while he was trying to exclude me from our daughters’ lives … and come to the conclusion I might be victorious in a custody challenge. I know he terminated his attorney right after; normally, parents are not allowed to see or get a copy of the report, but legal representatives are … and he started representing himself shortly after … although he rehired his attorney, later. And he was receiving from $1000 – $1440 a month in benefits for them … it is a God-awful mess.
What I guess I am wondering … my whole take, particularly since he yelled at me a while back, that he was going to "keep on" until I "don’t have the right to walk the dirt" is how to understand this … I know, from reading some gamblers’ stories, that often, they do things that are quite unsavory, in the grip of addiction. I’ve done things I am not proud of in past, myself. But is this intense and continued hatred, particularly toward a former victim/target who now "knows too much" (while they remain in public denial) … is this normal? Is the behavior more indicative, would you think, of gambling pathology itself or his own personality traits/disorder?  I have found some good information, but very limited to date.
It has sort of "blown my mind" that in past, I even questioned my own sanity and believed I might be crazy, because of what he put me threw … and the fact that I was viewed as a mentally ill **** addict and troublemaker, all on his say so … and believed, by professionals … scares me.
 

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