[dadda]

میں نے اس آدمی کو ٹی ای ڈی ٹاک پر بات کرتے دیکھا اور کامل معنی رکھتا ہے۔ میں نے اس کے خیالات کی کچھ تردیدیں پڑھی جب کہ میں کہہ سکتا ہوں کہ اس میں کچھ (ممکنہ طور پر) کچھ ہے ، میں جانتا ہوں کہ "سائنس" کے لیے جو کچھ گزرتا ہے وہ نہیں ہوتا ، یہاں تک کہ اگر اسے فنڈ دیا جائے اور "ہم مرتبہ جائزہ لیا جائے"۔ یہ نقطہ بنایا جا رہا ہے کہ "مکمل زندگی/کیریئر/وغیرہ" والے لوگ عادی ہو سکتے ہیں یا بن سکتے ہیں۔ میرے خیال میں اس نقطہ پر کچھ ہے کہ ہم آہنگی (اندرونی اقدار ، اہداف اور ڈرائیوز کے درمیان) اور "کامیابی" یا "منسلک" کے بیرونی مظہر اہم خیالات ہیں۔ زندگی اور تصویر کے بارے میں جو کچھ لوگ "کامیابی" کے طور پر "جانتے ہیں" (خوشی اسی کے برابر ہے) حقیقی سیکھنے اور تلاش کے ذریعے حاصل کردہ علم نہیں ہے ، یہ محض نمائش اور توقعات ہیں جو ہم نے حاصل کی ہیں۔ اپنے آپ کو تھراپی میں لے جانے اور یہاں تک کہ پریشان ہونے کی وجہ سے ، کیونکہ تمام ظاہری شکلوں میں ، (میری) زندگی میں چیزیں "عظیم" تھیں … لیکن وہاں "کچھ" تھا اور میں نے واقعی اس کو نوٹس کرنا شروع کیا جب ڈاکٹر نے دوائی تجویز کی جس نے مجھے محسوس کیا " خوش " لیکن یقینا ، اس قسم کی "خوش" حقیقی یا دیرپا نہیں ہے اور حقیقی قسم کی طرف نہیں لے جاتی ہے۔

[dadda]

I’m so tired. I found my way back here and actually remembered password and everything to get on here. I read posts from other people who are just discovering the problem and trying to figure out what they CAN do and what “works” for them, from those “choices”.

I suppose the one bright spot in life is that overall, my young adult daughters are doing well. My youngest (now nearly 23) had her credit ruined, but she texted me last evening that she has disputed the charges ($12k) and they are removed. I haven’t yet had a chance to check with her is this is permanent removal OR just temporary, as the dispute is “active”.

My “situation” at present:

I can’t legally drive. I got a ticket shortly after I was evicted from the house and could not go to court. I learned from on-line records that the post office returned the mail sent to me from the court (despite having a forward order with the post office that was confirmed). I got the ticket for a dragging tail pipe (which I had to keep tying up) and for having no “proof” of insurance (which I had insurance in force at all times). And actually, CG had the insurance forwarded to the nurse’s house, even though he was no longer on the policy. I was finally able to find all the paperwork I needed, have gas money to get to the court and went over there. I was “thrown out” under the threat of being arrested if I didn’t leave, when I tried to explain/ask for hearing. They told me I can “deal with the collection agency”.

I had my bank account seized twice, unlawfully. I have disability income – from PTSD, which started as a result of brother-in-law hiding in our house and snatching my daughters, when they were five and six (1998). It took HOURS of research to get INFORMATION as to how this is “possible”. Turns out that (my disability was deposited to savings) when I transferred money from savings to checking account, it became vulnerable to seizure, as U.S. banks are only “required” to research/report on ONE account. So I ended up having to close savings account.

I researched into bankruptcy; it costs about $399 JUST to file the papers. I don’t want to file for bankruptcy, BUT if I get a job that pays over $150 a month or so, I will just be subject to garnishment/seizure again. There is nothing like the feeling of having no gas in the car and all of a sudden, having absolutely no money available when you should.

I am also only quoting the amount of filing fees; I am not even sure if the original creditors are the creditors I would have to file or if I would need to discover who owns the “notes” (ie credit agencies that buys them from original creditors). SO that would be more hours of research.

I have (now) effectively worked the last 20 years or so for less than nothing and am forced to start over again (if ever that day comes). In order to start over, I am going to be forced to throw more money that I don’t have at the government that is benefiting from all the gambling and refusing to listen to or investigate what family members have to say.

Last summer, I ended up having to go to emergency room twice, for dental infections. The second time, I asked to speak with social worker, who gave me list of useless “resources” for dental care. However, more research and I trotted back to hospital social work department as I learned of dentists who will treat for community service, etc. Is hard for me to believe FIRST worker knew nothing and if I did not persist … well, I ended up having to have about 9 teeth taken out. I was supposed to get the rest cleaned etc, but was running about 10 minutes late, and they discharged me. Is my fault, although honestly, I don’t even know what day it is half the time. My sleep is all screwed up, concentration sucks and it nearly kills me that if this was happening to someone else, I could help them. But anyway, I am getting pain again. I don’t qualify for any of the medicaid services for the poor; being responsible means even my disability income puts me above the “poverty level” used for services, though it doesn’t allow for things like getting hair cut, eye exams and stuff …

In November, the lease for this place was up. My daughter moved out, so I tried to rent a less expensive place. There was a vacancy in a rental of the lady who had previously rented to my daughter and I met with her (again; I had previously gone with my daughter and explained about the dings to her credit). I had to pull the copy of my credit and so on … she left me a message that the “numbers just don’t work” for her. She didn’t reply to an e-mail in which I tried to find out what “might” work (make it possible). So, for the last seven months, I have been paying the rent – an extra $140 monthly – here and trying to figure out HOW I might be able to do something differently when the lease is again up. Have to say, on one hand, I was actually relieved with the “no” as the thought of having to go through moving again … is daunting … another reminder of gad awfully tired I am, to the bone. And ha ha … I CAN’T rent a truck to move anything large …

About the time I tried to move, I went to Salvation Army and met with a case worker. I’ve tried to explain to people about the PTSD and how it affects my concentration, etc … and that it would be a great help if I can find someone to help me keep this situations straight, maybe spend some time looking for resources or information etc I might not be aware of. I ended up e-mailing her per our agreement; she never responded. Pretty crushing to lay out some of these things for nothing.

They are going to open a casino here soon, a tribal one. All one hears about are the “community benefits”. I contacted a man who heads up an opposing group and e-mailed him, last September or so. He had a former CG slated to speak at one of their meetings, so I thought there might be some interest in how family members are affected. He did write back initially, but a second e-mail after I learned of my driver’s license suspension etc went unanswered.

I still get cans, etc, but it merely “gets me through” the month; nothing extra and nothing to write home about … it provides me some extra money that I DON’T have to worry about getting seized/taken away from me. If it wasn’t so labor intensive, I might have some time and peace of mind to do the research and other stuff to climb out of the hole that I didn’t dig.

It’s really hard, as I can’t help but THINK … and I have nothing interesting or consuming to focus my mental efforts towards; I am “above average” intelligence, so I spend a lot of time either outraged or “in (emotional) shock”, neither of which is productive, but can’t be willed away. I can’t help but think … how if I was in jail or prison (and I am in a “virtual” prison), I would get dental care. I didn’t even go to the emergency room until the antibiotics I was taking weren’t working at all and I couldn’t take the pain anymore. How prisoners could not be subjected to some of the “cruel and unusual” crap I have to take as a matter of course.

I can’t help but wonder, sometimes, if my daughters would be doing as well if I had left and looked after my finances. Since the CG threatened me AND since I had been subjected to legal threats by his attorney, etc, I don’t doubt that he could still have screwed things up to an extent, but I am pretty sure the financial damages couldn’t have gotten this bad. However, I know for fact that my children were brought up being told that I “deserted” them , that I was going to kill them, etc, etc (plus that I have paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar, neither of which I have or ever did). When I CAME BACK, it was FOR THEM. I had thought, previously, that the “state” might not know who was telling the truth, etc. When It became obvious to me that he was abusive to them, as well as to me, and that it was NOT just a matter or “me being crazy” (as I had feared, and had actually left to spare them if that was the case), I took action, even though it landed me in jail briefly and so on. I still THINK and BELIEVE that I did the right thing; I believe that even though I “look like a failure” that my children, having seen and been exposed to their father’s lies and actions (and which I would have spared them, had I been in a position of choice), that actually has been helpful to them in ways that maybe aren’t measurable.

But yeah, I am exhausted and frustrated. The smartest choice seems to commit some crimes, because the progress I make “doing the right thing”isn’t enough. I’d have more “rights” and resources if I got caught, and benefits if I didn’t. I’m just saying that as observation … because I also learned that about a month after I was evicted, ex-mother-in-law was trotted into an attorneys to create a trust for her property, etc … and then into nursing home. I ran into someone who knows her pretty well, who was telling me about some pretty clear signs of dementia that had been going on at least a year prior. Which would make a trust creation invalid, but only if “caught” by authorities. And not much chance of that …

Anyway, I am puzzled as to why agencies that are opposed to gambling/expansion are not interested at all at the effects on family members. Are they just interested in maintaining their existence, not really addressing the problems? I know my reading revealed that less than 10% of CG get treatment; my experience reveals that most “professionals” and “authorities” don’t have a clue. Plus, I have found news stories (including legal blogs) about gamblers who have sued casinos on the theory that they were impaired or had a self-exclusion, etc (they never win). Basically, what I have “learned” is that even (hah, especially) casinos CAN’T identify “CG” though they seem to pretty good about spotting those who they can get lots of money from. Another thing I am learning is that they throw money to the agencies that otherwise might be looking into it (gambling) as the CAUSE of the problems that they are designed to alleviate. Like here, the casino is giving money to the Boys and Girls club and other (similar) social agencies. The state domestic violence agency gets donations from the casinos (and it is well -and peer reviewed – researched that CG contributes to family discord/breakdown/violence) and the CASA (Court appointed special advocate; for children) did a fundraiser “A Night at the Casino”. It is stuff like that that gets my blood boiling; the court VERY mistakenly awarded custody of my daughters TO the CG; there seems to be no mechanism to enlighten them either, as to their “error” to prevent it happening to others. That’s a bit of a rant …. but yeah, a problem can’t be solved if it is actively ignored and played down, in other words, it doesn’t exist. The Congresswoman for my district, through her aide, informed me that “ALL THIS” is MY “legal problem”. NO, it is not! Knowledge is supposed to be power … but in this situation, all the knowledge I’ve gained has merely helped me to understand how and why things went down the way they did. Knowledge has not informed me how to move forward more effectively or even cope with what is, in actuality, a load of TOTALLY PREVENTABLE problems dumped into what used to be a life … mine.

[dadda]

Hi, San. I am sorry to hear about the hard things that you are having to cope with, especially in regard to your partner. I am glad to see your recent posts, though, as I have wondered how you are doing. I hope that you get some encouraging news regarding your partner’s health and treatment.

I agree you sound strong as you are maintaining in the face of what has to be (still) difficult. It seems that the focus of the difficulty changes, though we may be more able to manage our response, as we ourselves learn and grow, and I guess accept or understand better.

I don’t disagree with anything said, but your mention about the emotional blackmail (conversation) struck a bit of a different chord with me. For some reason, things make more sense to me when I hear myself saying them out loud. Obviously, in the appropriate conversation, not just talking to myself. So while I can understand/agree that maybe it doesn’t go anywhere or get understood by the active CG, I found that it strengthened me to say some of what I was starting to understand. I think it helped my understanding, too. That may very well be a limited periof, though, as I haven’t had contact for well over a year now and even before that I had come to realize that any “communication” would end up breaking down to unhealthy if I didn’t “listen” and respect my own boundary, as you point out, when CG won’t. I found the attempt helpful to me for a time and I like to think that someday, in some way, maybe that thing we mention might be a seed that will bear later on, even if we are long gone from the scene.

Anyway, I am glad to see you are there still, and sending you wishes for strength and health and as much peace as possible in all the circumstances you are faced with.

[dadda]

Thank you, too Twilight. It was well after I made my decision to refuse to be put out of the house when he filed for the divorce that I found this site. I didn’t even know about the problem, then and that it had been affecting me and our children adversely for many or most of the years.

I must say, though, that your words are what really strengthened my resolve … your words about your parent’s divorce and your subsequent experiences. Since our daughters’ custody was granted to him in the last divorce (and he retained almost all of our assets) I certainly feared that if I got up and just left (the most sensible thing, in the circumstances), one or both of our daughters would pay the price. I’d come back (hoping for the best, of course) because I realized that adults should be the strong ones in their children’s lives. I have no concept of what would follow that first divorce; I thought he just didn’t love me and was at least half convinced then that I was crazy. It was horrible to learn that our daughters were steeped in a history that “mommy deserted you” and many other negative things as a result of my doing what I thought best in light of the fact he wanted a divorce back then and was threatening to have me involuntarily commited (especially knowing as I do now that I suffered shock, panic and exhaustion from a heavy load of responsibility for too long) to protect his status quo and access to resources.

Both you and Jenny have strengthened me, but I hear your words differently because of the fact that I know my daughters can’t “appreciate” a lot and hopefully, that is because of my being able to make contact with people here and some others who are either wise or understanding.

I’m glad that you made the point about CGs in denial. I have a great deal of admiration for those in recovery; this one (gambling) sucks because it is one of the few “problems” that is socially (and obviously politically) approved of to indulge in … it has to suck to walk into a store and have the clerk “suggest sell” a lottery ticket when you are trying/have quit and find such suggestions on the state sight to “maximize product”. And so on. But it becomes difficult to speak genuinely about my circumstances without sounding like I am condemning all/being negative about all CGs.

It’s not even them (CGs)… I figure people should be free to do as they like as long as they are not hurting others … all the destruction and malice has been largely or completely preventable … just that the powers who profit don’t want to acknowledge and deal with the collateral damage as you point out. I don’t like being under the control of a person or government that DOES NOT have my interests and well-being (and certainly not of children affected, mine and others) in their mind OR their practices; it is injustice and I will leave it at that.

I have a quite weird sense of humor/perspective and have been thinking … maybe I can make a perverse “loser” poster to place on my car, modeled after the pictures of winners on the state lottery site or the retailers, with a big check of costs … to at least raise awareness. When I walked through town in a sandwich board in the summer, people actually did stop me and ask questions and so I was able to discuss the issue, rationally. I could put together a one page tri-fold with information as well as resources to hand out, as well. For the time at least, it may help me and maybe it will help someone else as well. I have no thoughts of changing the world/system … I’m not sure where I want or hope my life to head (yet). With so many new perspectives and experiences, I realize life can never be “the same” as before and that demands difference in me. I can pretty much guarantee that if I were suddenly lifted out of this muck and was able to (truly) rest and merely live and work, I’d figure it out and make a constructive go of it, as well as a satisfying one :-).

“It’s just the situation”

I too hope for a better break and soon … will have to update soon … but it is not necessarily true that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Sometimes it merely prolongs the agony!

at least I can say that with a somewhat smile. And a heartfelt “thank you”. I am glad that I read of your experiences and “spoken” with you here; especially glad to hear the positives of future days through recovery. For my daughters, for me, for everyone who is dealing with this from the places we are, here on this forum.

[dadda]

Jenny, thank you. I missed several weeks after my reply to Velvet. I’m sort of afraid, because of all the repercussions that have sort of jumped at me out of the blue (not to mention the intentional ones MEANT to hurt or punish me, by people I cared about) certainly, but mostly because I am so darn tired. Not the tired when you don’t get enough rest, it’s the tiredness that is the result of everything that you do and try being useless.

I need to look into and FIND support group (in person) again. Unfortunately, since gambling is a politically regulated and permitted activity, it’s sort of hard to discuss it without any mention of same. It’s just very hard to believe that all of the things that have happened as a result of CG is even possible.

I’ve gone about a month without going to therapy. At least reassures me I’m not “crazy” or any of that … not that I have believed that for the longest time. Missed last appointment because mix-up of days … I find all this turmoil and stuff really messes up my attention and other mental faculties. Going to make an appointment again, though …

I guess it just strikes me that EVERYTHING (in the case at least of those who’ve married and have children with CG) is in someone else’s “court”. Even though that court is out of control and headed full on for destruction at whatever point … unless the problem IS recognized early enough to be able to take protective and assertive actions.

Your words helped me; strength and blessing I found in them. I think right now the hardest thing is trying to make sense from a “faith” standpoint. My faith is not mature enough to understand/withstand the fact that even God above is not smiling on my attempts … I can tell myself there is reason, I just can’t find it or feel secure.

No, I don’t want revenge … in past I’ve done plenty of stupid or merely thoughtless (or haven’t done) things that have had adverse impact on others … sometimes the consequences of our actions are quite unforseeable … or things that might have gotten me killed or whatever. I learned from it, though and was thankful for the mercy (maybe it was just delayed consequences LOL). I’m not enjoying any of this and honestly wish and hoped someone would have seen the reality and put an end to his destructive non-sense instead of the Court merely a tool and weapon for more. But yeah, when I am in a neutral head space, and when I have talked with my daughters in past, I have told them their father wouldn’t talk or behave as he has/does if he was in his right mind. I’m not giving it a “pass” or saying they (or I or anyone) should “accept” such behavior or talk. I’ve had my moments where it hits me that if I hadn’t taken him to the hospital with his heart attack or pointed out the spot of gangrene on his foot that all of his good “friends” missed … things would be different. But then, so should I. I’ve done enough (wrong) to know I’m not “noble”. But I made the right choice(s) and never have to doubt that!

[dadda]

Hi,Goodgirl. I am glad to hear the positive; that you will be able to supervise the finances while hopefully your mother progresses in treatment! I am glad to hear too that you will be getting support. Sometimes people don’t feel like it is “much” or “anything” to lend an ear or be there, but that has literally been a lifeline for me at times.

I won’t say too much now … but I wish you and your mother the very best; and even though it may not be easy, I am positive it will be worth it! A big hug and best to you!

[dadda]

Hi Velvet! I read your reply and it was good to just hear from someone. I started to rely last evening but then thought I just wanted to think on what you said,plus got busy with “problems” as per usual. I’m not sure whether I interpreted your response completely correctly, in this case (my relationship with CG) I have experienced malice (aka punishment) from not obeying (doing what is demanded of me). Unfortunately, the situation actually started in 1998 and I knew absolutely NOTHING about “gambling problems”. Once I became aware (after he filed THIS divorce) of THE PROBLEM, I still had no idea that everything I have been/am experiencing is actually “known”, at least on the surface.

I don’t expect anyone to necessarily comment on the political or legal stuff … we are required to take a “U.S. Govt” class in high school prior to graduation … I had no exposure to Courts other than for traffic ticket … nothing prepared me for being forced to stand “civilly” while my life is dismantled, my possessions and assets squandered on what turned out were unnecessary (but costly) legal fees, or just taken from me and given to ex-in-laws, all because I was left without funds to leave or remove them to another place.

🙂 Anyway, I read and thoroughly understand (and enjoy) Jonathan Swift’s writing on the matter of attorneys and Courts … it is as applicable today as when he wrote it hundreds of years ago …

It would take too long and accomplish nothing much to explain what I have learned … despite the numerous “advocacy agencies” and “help lines”, when it gets to the nitty gritty, there are no resources here to assist the families … and those associated with the Court system seem pretty ignorant about CG … although I did read that there is now a special Court in at least one state which addresses CG in cases where a criminal defendant suffers with it.

My whole complaint is that the roads, like legal gambling, are operated and etc under the auspices of the state … if there is a giant pothole, I can report it. It’s not that difficult. If the state doesn’t repair or warn of the hazard, people whose cars are damaged can file claims. I can’t figure out who or how a person is supposed to “complain” or report problems related to CG, especially when it pertains to a partner (or relative). Because of the number of efforts I’ve made and my level of intelligence, I’m “guessing” that complaints are not to be made …. “please play responsibly” being the level of “public awareness” that is supposed to suffice for the CG and unwitting relatives.

I hope this doesn’t come across wrong (any of my reply) but I AM about at the endof the rope. I had doctor appointment Monday, then went to the Court to see what I could learn about my money being seized … turns out I was supposed to be there for a hearing, earlier. For some unknown reason, all of my mail is being returned, even though I filed a confirmed change of address. And I had shown up for the initial meeting when I was sued by the creditor, explained my situation and that I had no income except for the disability. That happened the same day I had to be in Court later to get thrown out, with no place to go and no real funds. Once I was able to access the case, I went on-line to see what has happened. From what I can tell, funds were taken even before the creditor had answers … though the Court records showed I’d been there to the meeting (hearing). I tried to work with all the creditors and have effectively been a hostage for the four years before being thrown out. I called and met with reputable credit counselor well before finances were as terrible as they have gotten. I knew we couldn’t afford attorneys for the divorce and told the Court so … but I was forced to hire one; especially as the first thing his attorney did was file for an “emergency custody change” on accusing me of abusing our 17 year old … it wouldn’t matter what the truth was, then any more than now … as the whole thing was done to get me out, immediately, no matter the cost or consequences to me.

Sure, I am angry … I’ve been locked up several times under false pretenses, misdiagnosed with diseases I never had, had to pay for “treatment” for said diseases, have been deprived of children and assets … even a place to stay, twice before this time …. and have physical and very painful side effects that are likely going to last the rest of my life, from treatment I didn’t need. I was forced to come back to a relationship under what I now know were false pretenses, designed ONLY to protect his access to funds …

… it makes me angry to listen to a “victim’s advocate” (more than one) to tell me to “get on with my life” … a life that has been taken, even more than once … and I am supposed to start again, less than zero … and it turns out that all these “professionals” were wrong … “mistakes” continue, yet I (and my daughters) are the only ones who get to be accountable for the consequences of others’ “mistakes”.

Last night, I learned my account was -$25. Today, it was -$65. I won’t have money for two more weeks and none of this months bills are paid except the rent. There’s snow and tonight the wind chill down to the -20s, so I can’t even go look for cans. My phone has no minutes … sort of hard to hope to get a job, especially since that money will only get taken … and the car insurance DIDN’T get paid. In fact, a subscription I had made to try to get some legal information (and which was cancelled, per the representative months ago – I found the e-mail) has been getting charged. I feel sick and there is NOWHERE to turn.

On therapy … I had actually stopped going for about 2 years, until all this blew up with the affair with the nurse and the divorce being filed. I don’t have a problem with the therapist; it is actually difficult to find a good, knowledgeable one (in my experience). But there are things that therapy can’t really help with … and I think there are some problems that we are not meant to “cope” with. There have to be other actions as well as going to therapy, if there is going to be any change for the better. I am only one human and I have been doing everything I can, know how to do and have been forced or taken the initiative to try to deal with things I DON’T know … like repairing my car, finding ways to scrape up extra money when not having reliable transportation or gas money.

People tell me “he’ll get his” one day … like how is that supposed to help? I am not interested in revenge or hurting others … when I knew that he was not interested in reconciling or facing himself/problem, I merely wanted to get on with my life, but in a rational fashion, not being thrown out on demand. That is not unreasonable. Whether his intent is malicious or merely irresponsible (don’t know that’s the right word) doesn’t really matter, the results of his actions … totally unnecessary actions … have seriously damaged my life, the lives of our daughters as we WILL have to deal with those damages likely for years to come.

I just feel as if I am being buried alive and it must all be kept “hush hush” to protect the gambling industry. THAT is what I am most angry about … and if the state (gov’t) wasn’t getting a cut of the profits, I am positive there’d be a much different perspective and actions … and I guess that is likely the case, no matter what country we live in. I’m not trying to politicize the matter, only to make sense of what is otherwise incomprehensible.

Mostly, I am just tired …. extremely tired and feel like I am being tortured, more or less. It doesn’t matter what I do or how hard and long I work; it’s to no avail.

Velvet, I am just glad of your reply. Lately, I have felt like I really don’t even exist, other than as something to squeeze a few more dollars out of … that makes me want to cry. I see the stuff that goes “viral” and I know I don’t have “the worst” problems, but they do hurt and there seems no way out. This is going to kill me, if it doesn’t somehow ease up … soon. I’ve run out of ideas … and hope. Like the lady from Gam-anon told me on the phone when I was first grappling, (but put a bit differently) it is like trying to build a house faster than it can be burnt down. I know that’s impossible, but “the system” is forcing me to at least try … or die … or be thrown away to try to survive on a night like tonight, in the snow and in the -20 temperature range. It’s more than I can handle and here, I’m alone.

[dadda]

I started new posts, but gave it up; the browser crashed anyway … but for the moment, feel like I’m only talking to myself … get enough of that in everyday existence … pretty cold here and snowy. Have been working feverishly to find as many cans as possible before they are hidden by snow (as they are now).

Dr. appt., then off to Court to see what I can find out about this unlawful garnishment of my bank account. Also to storage to see if there is any arrangement I can make to keep from losing my things that are still there. No minutes on phone; can only text for now … no extra money. Hoping to get part time job shortly, but getting everything I’ve earned taken and no recourse … doesn’t help my motivation … especially since I am mostly bone tired … especially when I wake up … oh well, keep on plugging on through the injustice … gotta say, never believed such was possible in a supposedly “free” country with Constitutional rights … haha …. been learning more about the US than I ever wanted to know … surprised not to have an upset stomach to boot. Onward and upward …

[dadda]

Oh, also on telling his family … I don’t know what the consensus would be, but I think that also depends on how well you are acquainted and whether you truly believe they don’t know. Maybe if there is a member you are close to, you could have a conversation and include your concern(s), depending on the receptiveness. Or at least give them a link to a site like this one.

I actually did talk with his mother after he filed; turns out that most of his relatives are enablers (of him) and that I actually had been expected to “take care of him”, I guess to keep their level of “involvement” to a minimum. I only say that because of all that has occurred and reinterpreting things from the past (interactions of mine with relatives) with the hindsight new information makes possible. I think there was a level of knowledge there in his relatives, at least some of them, and this was kept deliberately from me. So if you choose to speak with them, don’t be surprised if you get poor reception … just know you did the best you could with what you had to work with … and with the concern for all involved in your mind and heart.

[dadda]

Hi, Ula. I was married to CG, twice as a matter of fact. I had no clue that he had a problem, until after he filed for divorce for the second time. Sad thing is that they change, or maybe the true colors come out … or maybe it depends on what pathology is there along with the addiction.

My experience is not expertise, but suffice it to say that many, many professionals do not recognize gambling problems/addiction. You can’t get them help or easily protect yourself, either, once you are legally entwined (for sure). Despite any niceness or other positive qualities he may possess (or seem to), the destruction that will certainly occur – to finances, peace of mind and so on – will never be outweighed by those qualities.

I think if you read some of the other threads on here, you can see what life will become – at least get a general idea.

I would have been thrilled if my husband had decided to get into recovery, once his addiction was discovered. I knew recovery would be hard, but so is divorce and I believed (and still do) that if we were both on board and with faith, it would be achievable and would happen … just not overnight or necessarily easy. But worth it … I believe it defintely would have been worth it. He chose not to, and dumped our children and me in order to be with someone who was married and a good source of funds. He has even caused more financial and emotional devastation than necessary, because he was angry that I didn’t just get out when he demanded I do so, and so has “punished” me (but also our daughters) because he views EVERYTHING (asset wise) as “his”, no matter what the law states. And even though he initiated the divorce, he was not willing to fulfill his legal obligations to obtain it. He got his divorce, and got out of any settlement. Days now are rough for me … back when I met him, I would never have dreamed this to be a possible outcome. In fact, I chose to be with him because he seemed a “solid investment” in terms of seeming to have similar values and also not having destructive habits or attitudes.

I won’t say to cut off ties completely, if you think/feel you can be objective and a true friend (which means not an enabler, etc). That is a choice only you can make. My thought is that getting involved in a relationship with an actively addicted gambler is a sure path to a lot of destruction in your own life. Best wishes and hopes to you!

[dadda]

Yesterday I went by the place where things were stored (by his relatives) after I was kicked out of the house. There is another padlock on there now as I have been unable to pay. So … it looks like those things are gone … I was down there after missing a doctor’s appointment that was the 2nd reschedule of the original. By now, I don’t even recall what occurred specifically to cause me to miss the first. Last time I tried to go, I ran out of gas and walked two miles before a lady picked me up and drove me the one and a half remaining miles. I actually got to this one, but I was about 15 minutes late and the office was closing for a Christmas party.

The night before, I didn’t have any gas money. My daughter loaned me $5 so I was able to get there and back (about 40 miles one way).

Today, I had to break down and call the car insurance company and ask if I could bring the money as there isn’t enough in the bank.

I’m tired. I’ve been spending hours collecting cans and etc. I’ve been moving things out of the storage up here; it’s been a long tiring process as I have to put what I take on or in the car and load it myself. The other night, I was able to get quite a bit; I had a tabletop, mattress and large dresser on top and the rest of the car stuffed to overflow. I actually had to use some mathematical thinking (or at least scientific) to figure out how to get the queen size mattress up and on top; I was pleased that I was able to figure out that opening the doors and just getting it that high would give me a basis for getting it the rest of the way there! 🙂 Fortunately there is not much left there and the man there graciously gave me some extra time without charge.

[dadda]

Hi! I am the mother of two daughters; my ex-husband is a CG who filed for divorce when our daughters were just about to go off into the adult world. I did not know about the gambling PROBLEM until after he filed. I just knew he bought “some” scratch tickets and lotto and very,very occasionally (or so I thought) he would go to casino.

I can’t begin to imagine what it is like to be the child, only that it must be harder than being the spouse, in several ways. One article I read put it well, as it explained how often children’s roles are reversed – they are “expected” to be the adult and the “parent”, or in some cases, sort of a “surrogate spouse” especially if divorce has occurred.

Anyone can tell you not to feel guilty, but in many cases, it is normal to take care of aging parents (who don’t have addiction problems). Obviously, there might be some ways in which if they do, some assistance is appropriate, but figuring out what is and isn’t might be very hard, I think.

Especially since you have responsibilities of your own and no unlimited funds to draw from, I hope that you get the information and support/encouragement to set appropriate limits. A lady in Gam-anon (phone conversation) made a good comment to me; she pointed out that if a person “did” $1,000 worth of cocaine, it would kill them – not so with gambling.

You might feel bad not to be able to help your mother, but AS a mother, I guarantee it sometimes was hard to say “no” or discipline my children even when I KNEW it was for their long-term good. Sometimes you have to act differently than your feelings tell you.

Anyway, I am living with our youngest (21) because neither of us can afford to live on our own. Her father wanted a divorce, but was not willing to follow through with the legal consequences of his “adult decision”.

As you can see with your mother, the same is occurring. There are consequences to the decisions she is making, and as an adult – she should be willing to take those. As an addict of course, she wants to continue on without those … and if she can talk you or anyone into accepting those consequences, she will. Who is going to bail you out, though, when you run up against a problem?

I hope you will find strength and encouragement, here and elsewhere, that will help you. I really love my daughters and was living life – not perfectly – to, as I thought, have some savings and assets for when their college or weddings came up, etc. I can’t even give them good suggestions, at this point, as to how to deal with the negative items on their credit that shouldn’t be there … and had to put my own student loans on forbearance the other day (and am grateful they were so understanding).

Please make sure that you can take care of yourself … one of the things people often don’t think of in budgeting are the “inevitable” emergencies … like car repairs … or economic trends beyond our control. I know an often quoted suggestion is that a person have about 6 months of living expenses banked for such things. If you don’t, I encourage you to seriously think of using that as a help to setting limits and if you help your mother, do it in ways that she can’t (easily) use it for gambling. It sounds like that is what you are aiming at, and I applaud you. I think you are definitely on the right track!

Please know too, I am glad you are here. My own daughters don’t like talking too much about their father or how they have been affected. Reading your and other posts from children affected helps me to understand some of the issues they are faced with.

[dadda]

I felt so much better the other day; maybe because I didn’t spend hours lugging things or bending down a million times (or so it seems) to pick up yet another can.

Despite feeling better, it still staggers my mind that I am still faced with so many giant difficulties, despite not having done ANYTHING wrong, while CG and etc go on … having made profit at my expense and that of our children.

I have to question, too, whether the brother who bought the house has a gambling problem. Both he and a son are listed on the “lottery winners” page as having won $1,000 on scratch tickets. The brother’s income is 4x what I have available, yet he filed for straight bankruptcy about 18 – 19 months before the sheriff sale … yet managed to come up with $57k cash.

I overslept today and have to make the most of the light. Go find some cans and go haul stuff. Also have to try to find the owner’s slip to car so I can sell it Monday to the junkyard, cause there has to be enough money to pay insurance.

Last night I was getting some cans and a man drove up and gave me a bag of them (people often will give me the cans out of their vehicle if they see what I am doing). It sort of hurt, though, when he and I talked for a few minutes. I don’t give a “sob story” but basically, just “what it is” as briefly and clearly as possible. It hurt because then he asked for a hug and I told him I don’t hug strangers. Oh well … I have already thought about the dangers, from sticking my hand onto a discarded needle to picking up something like hepatitis … but what are the alternatives? There is no “help” other than general and I don’t qualify. Just have to get through this time and hope I make it out alive and in general good health, I guess.

Feels like I have been sentenced though to hard labor or worse … all for having been a parent (and therefore, the Court jurisdiction over me). Even blatant criminals do not have to go through such, though I am not saying some are not subjected to pretty terrible/worse that they don’t deserve, either.

I taught my children what to do if they need help. And I have tried to get through and past this on my own efforts; when I saw I could not outstrip the destruction, I asked for help, communicated with the Courts and etc. I have gotten a bit of help, here and there. It has been piecemeal and unfortunately, often “too little, too late”.

Last night, a woman saw and called to me; I thought she was “chasing me away” but she was trying to hand me some money. I told her I wasn’t looking (or asking) for money but she insisted I take it. It was enough that I can fill the tank partially.

I am still feeling quite exhausted, but going to get on with the business of the day. Maybe will feel a bit better again later … and at least I still can. I remember how I used to think maybe I can help someone else … at the moment and for a while though, I am wondering if I will make it through. I hope so … I miss life … being able to relax … being able to choose.

[dadda]

Dear Hopeful,

Your story makes me realize a lot and I am thankful and glad you shared it. I truly wish you all the best for your future. A lot of what you said resonated with me; I too felt like a failure, was made to feel “to blame” for all of the relationship problems. I’ve felt particularly “stupid” because I was in my late 20s and consciously and deliberately tried to choose a partner who shared my values and faith, not just base things on stuff that doesn’t last/matter. Probably because I lost my mother and a dear stepmother through divorce while growing up and wanted my children to NOT go through similar.

Even though things are tough right now, I hope you an take some heart. I joined another support group on-line before I knew exactly what was going on, and didn’t find that one (for people with personality disordered partners) until going through many on-line forums, describing what sounded “crazy” and getting very little response from other members. What could they say? If I didn’t KNOW that what happened had, I would have thought the (my) situation was “made up” or exaggerated … or something. Sometimes, it still makes my head spin to think that some of what happened/is happening is even POSSIBLE. When you said you went to professionals for help, I can only imagine what that was like, if my own experience is any indication.

Twilight talking about her situation, too … since I have two daughters whom he got custody of earlier on … because he could control them and they were worth money, til they graduated from high school … he successfully convinced “professionals” that I really was not only a “nut” but a drug addict to boot (taking meds prescribed by doctor for 3 weeks) and I lost years with my children, as well as most of my assets and confidence … my career, more than once. He successfully got me to divorce him by threatening me with (permanent) involuntary commitment … I even thought or about half so, that I must or might be crazy.

I didn’t realize until doing some research, that people with CG often have other problems, including sometimes personality disorders, that make it harder to face their own problems but their involvement/responsibility as well. There is a great site, bullyonline.org, I believe that talked about how and why targets might be chosen. When we get bullied and otherwise get so much negativity from CG, it seems over time to erode confidence and even our correct perceptions. I didn’t realize how much I retreated into somewhat a daydream world, reading fiction and such, where I found “life” and a way to cope, over the years. I didn’t realize that I not only had so much untapped potential, but that I actually was an excellent wife, mother, nurse and etc. Like any other person, I was not perfect, but those small imperfections and insecurities I had were magnified all out of proportion to their reality. I realized that I had then become more dependent on him and his opinions of me rather than more accurate reflections from the results of my efforts, other people and so on.

Even though you are probably somewhat scared about money and the like and probably still healing, I think you still have made the very best choice. Especially since he came on so fast with the negatives. I can’t pay any of the bills right now other than immediate ones, like rent and groceries … utilities. And am going to be sharing expenses with my younger daughter. Both of us have been devastated, both financially and at times emotionally. She more so because she confronted the issues and has basically now been cut off by half her family; I know that has to hurt no matter how it’s sliced. But in the long run, she is better off without people who don’t care about her, reality or even in reality, her father (they enable). And I have my “bad” days and I think I am going through a lot.

But being divorced from this CG in past and learning that the only “mental issues” I have ever had were directly related to my “relationship” with him/his relatives … wow! I finally realized I had been injured, with PTSD, and not surprising when someone you are supposed to be able to trust … I made a new career and was doing as well as before all the stuff started.

I think you likely have a LOT of potential and strength within you and often, we look to professionals first … when we start finding out what the truths are, we start becoming quite capable of becoming experts (even if unrecognized) in aspects that no professionals around us are. And when I eliminate the finances, it is VERY CLEAR that nothing has changed about me, or even the situation. I am still a responsible person and someone who takes my word, promises and obligations seriously. Even the Court orders and shenanigans he and his relatives have played, enabling them to destroy any hope of settlement from the divorce, don’t change REALITY. So the Court and people in it are easily fooled … I’m not, any longer. And it REALLY SUCKS at times, to have to explain to people or scrounge around for information about a situation I didn’t create, but hey, I have at least survived (even with no credit) over a year, learned to do repairs on my car and so on. Not all peaches and cream, but there are also people who care and help, and I am very thankful to them and for them.

My guess is that if you move forward without expecting financial support of any kind, you will likely be surprised in future, to find out how far you can go. I got bogged in costly Court proceedings for years just to see our children and that is how I ended up going back and part of the reason my finances got so hard to manage. If you have your children and your sanity, you can get your confidence and potential back and other good things will follow. I kept a journal and it seemed to take forever, but it finally happened that my efforts started having results … and it was “a gusher” when it finally broke.

Again, best wishes and keep your chin up! Thank you VERY MUCH for sharing, because it has also helped me a great deal. I hope, too, that you will also update as to how you are doing in future. I will be thinking of you and remembering you.

[dadda]

I was reading a couple of threads last night … Berber’s and Jamesn’s. I can remember back to what seems a lifetime ago, when I discovered the gambling problem after he had filed for divorce and taken up with the nurse. I remember how I had gone to a therapist, who thought I was “nuts” to even consider sticking with a guy who was having affair (with his nurse, to boot). He told me 90% of women wouldn’t even consider it. At the time, I had thought maybe he was bipolar or maybe all that I was learning was related to his nearly fatal heart attack. I remember how happy I actually was, when I learned of the affair … because finally I had confirmation that I WASN’T CRAZY. I was merely responding (I’d been struggling with feeling depressed) to the lies and other games and things going on … the rages and weak but potent blame heaped on me for ALL of his “problems”.

Reading the threads of others brought back memories of how I had told him that “maybe this is why I had to go through all of what I had” back at the time he had first filed for divorce … I didn’t know, at the time, that I had been victimized intentionally and maliciously in order to make me look bad, to hell with the consequences to me … as long as he retained control over “his” money (meaning mine, too) and me, if possible. When he told me, back then, that he wanted to “cancel” the divorce and never wanted it … I believed him. I didn’t realize the “property settlement” his attorney had sent over, that awarded him all and me nothing, would NEVER have stood up in a competent Court. I remembered how I told him, though, that if he and I were “right” with God and each other, there was no problem that I couldn’t get through … didn’t mean it would be easy … just that it would happen.

Sometimes I feel sad … when I had to go to the women’s shelter years ago, I was one of the few women without her children. They had been snatched from me and custody given to him … his mother and he telling authorities I was “mental” and a drug addict … I was in out-patient counseling and had been taking medications prescribed by the doctor. He didn’t like it when I became assertive again and quit easily “giving in” to his “requests” and “desires”. I was the “odd one out” in the women’s shelter and it made me feel there must be something horribly wrong with me that I didn’t have my children … especially when I compared myself with others there (which I couldn’t help). I guess in a way it makes me feel the same, to know that my support and encouragement was “not enough”. I know that isn’t true … I don’t know yet if others are struggling with similar … being (seemingly) punished while CG goes on their merry way, continuing on and profiting at their spouse’s expense, despite the so-called “oversight” of attorney and Courts of law.

I sort of wanted to write a note of encouragement, but I thought better of it for the moment, as I am so angry and hurt that I would not be able to write something that would be “proper”; same reason I am not trying to work in nursing … concentration and all else are overshadowed by the chaos, drama and destruction and I don’t trust myself to be responsible for someone else’s life and health when my judgment and objectivity have been turned upside down.

Was hoping to get here for chat, but I went looking for cans so I’ll have enough money to get the bills due/coming due taken care of.

I was along the ramp of the freeway and a man called out to me; he had a couple cans in his hand so I went over to take them. He also handed me a $5 bill and a prayer card with Jesus on the front, a Catholic one (although I am not Catholic, I’ve had friends and recognize the pictures). I was reading the prayer on back, which ends …

“Let every angry word said to me or against me be returned with words of love and mercy not anger or revenge. Let every desire I have be for You. Let my will conform to Yours. Touch every cell of my body, Lord, and make me the person, the servant, You want me to be. Amen.”

I will admit I am not there … I have trouble when pain and need are wracking me, being exhausted and knowing that I have been unjustly treated … that my daughters are and have been … and that maybe they don’t see me as “failure” but they can’t see me as someone to emulate. It makes me think of Jesus’ suffering … i cannot say that mine “compares” just that I can’t help thinking … because it comes to my mind, that he GOT TO die … the suffering was for several days. And I cannot know what His experience here was (like) but as God, His knowledge far exceeds mine … it is one thing to believe something … it is so much harder to “have faith” when all seems dark ahead and no end in sight. Especially when I look around and see others who are of similar belief, whatever denomination, and their lives seem so placid in comparison. Or plentiful … that is hard. Used to think maybe I could help others once I “got through” this; now I sometimes wonder if I WILL survive it. I guess I will have to find out.

To those who are still with their CG partner, I just hope and pray for you the strength, patience and all else you need to keep going. I know what statistics say but I don’t know how much research, especially useful and accurate, is really done. So if you are with them … I hope that someone perks you up or reminds you. Either way is hard, that is the one thing I know. I knew divorce the first time had been hard (though NOTHING like this, which I think is punishment for my not giving in to demands plus destruction BECAUSE I did fine without him, once I got my bearings and the PTSD was identified), but I KNEW that things got better … and as far as the marriage went, I didn’t know if the whole time had been a “con” but it seemed like there had been a time when WE had been happy together and I thought he loved me and our daughters. I forget exactly who was describing the addiction (Nora?) and how it is separate from the person, but I sort of know how that makes sense. One thing I learned during the first divorce was how much I had changed … and yet had not. I mean I had changed as over the years I gave in to little requests and such that seemed “no big deal” at the time. There was some sort of struggle in me during the time I was thrown out that time and it certainly did seem a foreign part was there; it was tempting to give in and seemed to have advantages … but I recognize NOW that part of what I was going through was somewhat a spiritual crisis and integrity crisis.

Anyway, this is sort of rambly so am going to end for now. But if anyone bears reading my lengthy “catch ups” I wish all of you well and better, your partners and loved ones also. Hoping that more things simmer down so I can come on here when the chat is occurring. Anyway, once it snows it is pretty hard to find cans! So hopefully get caught up and at least maintain, get some rest and continue on … I know resentments and such are in the 12 steps … a lot of that I do use, though not as formally and I’m not sure I agree 100%. But I DO know that bitterness and resentment doesn’t help me or hurt them; I’m not interested in revenge, just wanted to leave somewhat fairly … and it hurts to know they are profiting but likely will still squander what I worked for and could sure use … and just say, like the man in the Bible, “I believe, help my unbelief!”

[Author]

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