[Callmecrazy]

Woke up today which is good because I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I have emotional swings from feeling doomed and desperate to feeling hopeful. Had a huge urge to gamble and escape once the emotional swings started. Now I’m reading about all sorts of addictions and through the mist of this chaos feeling grateful for not being a drug addict because I would have overdosed by now and would have probably been long dead.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you.
I feel awful. I want to isolate myself. I don’t want to spend time with people. Only with one particular friend I told last week about my problem. I have gone on a binge gamble last year and have not yet stopped. That is the horrifying, terrible truth. I have gone to banks for loan after loan. I thought I had a problem before but never had I before gambled away bill money until now.

I just called my bank and reported all my cards lost. Therfore I will have no access to money whatsoever and it’s the weekend tomorrow. I’ll try to sleep as much as I can and rest my body, brain and soul.

[Callmecrazy]

I managed to self – exclude and am lying in bed shaking.

[Callmecrazy]

Of course i’ve been gambling yesterday and today. How do I get myself off this rollercoaster? I feel desperate,hopeless, doomed.
When I stop gambling I get severe depression, irritation and feel extremely agitated and worried. When I gamble I get some relief and hope but that lasts only as long as the first half of my deposit lasts.
I ‘m so lost. I don’t have a life anymore. I get cold sweats from worry.
Slots are pure fraud. I deposit hundreds and get no bonus rounds. It’s always the same. Or I get bonus rounds 10 euro winnings after hundreds, thousand spent. It’s crazy. I’ m loosing my sanity not only my money.
I feel sick. What I ‘m doing to myself is masochism. I don’t even enjoy gambling.

[Callmecrazy]

I have a roof over my head thanks to my father who has worked all his life, had been responsible and ensured his children would have a decent life.

Otherwise, who knows?

I will not think about my debt. Just for today.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for the support. I’m a compulsive gambler, my MO is binge. I know the drill. Barriers, barriers, barriers! I’ve set up new ones. I also have hobbies that I’m passionate about and sometimes my trigger can be getting away from them even though I love them.

My number one trigger is the financial mess I’ve created. That’s why, for me, not gambling is not thinking about my debts. One day at a time.

Sometimes I want to shoot myself but I feel I’m not ready to go yet. I also wouldn’t know where to buy a gun which is good. I’m 40, female, single, no children.

I’m grateful that I still have a job that can service my debts. That this disease has hit me in my thirties after I finshed my masters degree. That I still have a roof over my head. That my career is still ongoing after 15 yrs.

I’m devestated because I piled up so much debt. That I feel guilt, regret, shame. That I still keep doing this to myself. That I can’t stop. That I sometimes can stop but don’t really want to and so many other things.

I hate the gambling industry. It’s a big fat lie. No one can gamble responsibly. Those that can, give it one try, loose and never come back again. Fine, take 40 k give me back 10! I would sign this any time, any day. However, the bastards are greedy pigs, worst of the worst, they will take your last penny and throw you under the brige for what they care.

My favorite time of day is the late evening, an anxiety pill and watching a movie while the medication’s sweet lullaby drives me to sleep.

That’s how I cope with myself. My laptop, no thinking about debt and an anxiety pill.

I’m really fucked up. 

[Callmecrazy]

Yes, we’ve been there , done that. Sometimes I could withdraw, sometimes I couldn’t. Every withdrawal took willpower. It’s so exhausting. I just don’t get my brain. But then again, if I ever withdrew with every time I thought about withdrawing, I would never have climbed up to 2200 euro. The bottom line is, I had a super shitty day. Feeling Guilt, wishing to turn back time, dwelling, fantasizing about stopping a thousand times, having urges to give it another go, cursing myself for blocking my account for 24 hrs, wanting to die, wishing I had millions to gamble as much as I wanted etc… I’m going to turn in early and go too sleep. See how I feel tomorrow…

[Callmecrazy]

I’m having a hell of a morning. I can’t concentrate on work at all. Prior to my binge this weekend, I was 40 days gamble free. I don’t really ***** days.
Not withdrawing my 2200 euro win is something I can’t forgive myself.
Why? Why?Why?
Why didn’t I just click “cool down for 24 hrs”? WHY????

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for your support.

As I dreaded, waking up was awful. I only have to make it through the day, tomorrow will be better.

[Callmecrazy]

Had some thoughts of gambling today. Two things trigger me: stress from work and having access to money. Tomorrow is a big day as I’m being payed out a loan.
Must do tomorrow:
-pick up loan and pay my huge credit card bill. Deposit remainder of cash to my bank account.
– get a haircut. I’m long overdue.
– go out and socialize
– if stress is felt, breathe, go with the flow, everything is going to be okay. Do not let your mind escape into thoughts of gambling.

Everything is going to be okay.
–

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up feeling better but had loads of stress at work. I don’t like the new takeover our company has had and I don’t like the new management. I’m sorry to say, it’s made up of bullies and small time criminals. I work in a government owned company and everything is about politics. It has always been. The difference now being that they don’t even care in hiding their true colors. Things have gotten progressively worse. Before it used to be at least mildly important if you knew how to perform well at your job. Now, it’s all about bullying and harassing and the rule of thumb is take it or leave it, everyone is replaceable. Things will not change until rock bottom is hit. For a minute I thought about escaping into gambling but pushed the thought aside. I recognize this trigger and decided not to give into it. Instead, I thought long and hard, how I’m not going to go into auto-destruct mode or take it out on myself. It’s other people’s poor behavior, I can’t do anything about it.  I’m disgusted where this society is going though. It’s a huge trigger for me.

I can’t believe I’m only on day 3 gamble free.

Had money on my account but paid bills.

Looking forward to relaxing and falling asleep watching a tv show.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi Laura, I read through your thread. I’m sorry to hear you have health issues, but I’m happy you’re making it into 1 year gambling free again. Good job! Nobody, but us CGs, know what a huge undertaking this is.

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you Bee.

Put those barriers up, remove all temptation, keep your money and your sanity safe. The noises will disappear once the barriers are up. Barriers are freedom.

There is life without gambling, even more, there is life AFTER gambling. I’ve seen it. I developed some very nice urges:

– the urge to relax. Watch my favorite show with a peaceful mind and stretch my legs.
– the urge to be kind to someone and brighten their day.
– the urge to socialize, be outgoing and laugh
– the urge to fall asleep carefree

None of these things can be done with a mind that is racing, high on slot dopamine, thinking how to get away and find solitude to gamble. Or when your mind races in a desperate attempt to find means to pay bills. Or when you do find the means you swore you would use to pay bills and your mind goes up and down, pay bills/ give to slots . Pay bills/ give to slots.

We did not choose to have this disease. We have it, let’s not let it rule and take our life.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi, Rayman, I’m wondering how are you doing?

I know what it’s like to loose a big chunk of your savings.

The regret, the wishing you could turn back time, the disgust,. Endless mind racing ….”Should I give it another try or not?”. I’ve been there. It’s hell.

You’ve only lost your money, don’t let them take your life.

[Callmecrazy]

Good job Bee!

Remember, slot machines will suck you dry. If you place just one small bet (because it can’t hurt!) and loose you might be able to control yourself for today, but tomorrow you will be back for another small bet. Then for another and another. Your brain might trick you that you’re in control, but you aren’t. Eventually you will get sick of loosing and start to play bigger and harder. You will be sucked dry. And this is the better outcome!

On the other hand, if you place just one small bet (because it can’t hurt!) and happen to win you will get a rush of dopamine so strong, you will be hooked immediately. You will continue playing, get a sense of omnipotence, love it and once your winnings are dryed up, you will be slammed back to earth and in shock. You will start regretting that you  lost your winnings. You won’t be able to relax or sleep until you have another go at reclaiming them.  Hence, the chase will start. You will chase hard and once you’ve gone through your money, you’re going to start chasing on debt money. This will happen so fast, you won’t know what took you. 

You will be drained, exhausted and an emotional mess of guilt, anger and shame . There is really no way for you to win.

The only time you win is when you don’t make the first bet and have all your barriers in place and the temptation is not running your life.

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